Ha! Bearclaw! I like it!
Well, that's my first response. Wanted to give you the most accurately account of my honest reaction. ;)
Before I start, you may want to know that I'm a very new writer (though I am an avid reader) and don't consider myself expert enough or good enough to really give you the review you deserve, but let me give it a try, anyway. Please, just ignore whatever doesn't seem helpful or is just outright wrong. ;)
First off, I felt the story moved along really well. Not too much description (my nemesis) but told me a good bit about who I was, what I was feeling, and where I wanted to go (I like to put myself right into the character's seat, right off).
I like the dialogue play. It sounds crisp and like what I would imagine these characters to sound like. I can tell a lot about their personalities, at least, I think so, by the way they talk. You do well with dialogue.
I come from the midwest and had to chuckle a bit at how familiar the language and way these two cowboys size each other up... quickly. Sounds like the way a couple of my uncles might sound out on a campout.
On the fourth chapter from the bottom (I counted from the top, but got sidetracked and forgot ;) so came up from the bottom instead), where Jubal is talking:
"Someone who thinks mighty of himself. Bryce Fargo is his name. He rode into the
valley, must have been about two years ago. Nothing special to him, just a small
time rancher like the rest of us. Then gun hands started showing up on his ranch.
Laying around and not one of them punches cattle. A month later things began to
happen to the other ranchers spreads. Fences pulled down, hay stacks burned,
gardens churned up by horses hoofs during the night. Little annoying things that
have steadily gotten worse."
I got a little twisted up and at first thought I'd suggest to you that you put the "Fences pulled...night." down two paragraphs later with his answer to Laredo's question because I thought it was possibly an editing mistype.
But, on rereading a couple of times, I think I see that you intended it to be a broad listing of the things they'd the bad guys had gotten up to... then, after Jubal's question, the more specific, more disturbing things were brought out.
My initial thought would've been to suggest something like:
"Someone who thinks mighty of himself. Bryce Fargo is his name. He rode into the
valley, must have been about two years ago. Nothing special to him, just a small
time rancher like the rest of us. Then gun hands started showing up on his ranch.
Laying around and not one of them punches cattle. A month later things began to
happen to the other ranchers spreads. Little annoying things that have steadily
gotten worse."
"Such as, Jubal?" I asked.
"Fences pulled down, hay stacks burned, gardens churned up by horses hoofs
during the night, cattle and horses rustled. Then, barns and houses set on fire.
Gunshots during the night. People have been hurt and finally two days ago, the
Murrays were found hung from them barn rafters. All of them. Mother, Father and
even the children. Katey was only three. What kind of animal hangs a llittle girl?"
Jubal looked at me and had tears in his eyes.
I have to say that the big punch point of the three-year old being hung along with the rest of her family is a really big 'GOT YOUR ATTENTION' and is done very well.
The only thing I have to offer, is that because I was a bit distracted (my brain trying to line everything up all the time...sometimes a real pain!) I don't think I got as strong an impact as I would have if it had been more clear-cut about the list of things that these bad guys were doing. Maybe putting them all in either one paragraph or the other.
This one point is such a small and subjective one, but it's all I have. I would still so enjoy this piece even if you made no changes. Just wanted to share my first gut-reaction. Please do with it as you will ;)
Very good piece.
My father and mother are avid readers, btw. And they just don't read anything but Western novels...always looking for the next one(s) (they love series). So, I'll have to keep up with you. ;) |
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