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11 Public Reviews Given
11 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of VIGNETTE  Open in new Window.
Review by Chinspinner Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, I hope this is useful, if not, please ignore it.

Absolutely without efficiency and clear of clouds was the morning sky that pierced its first hours; a generic little bird, agile and slim, had a brilliant idea: in less than 6 minutes he went down the steep ramps of his tree, which was worth at least two of the same.


This sentence has too many clauses. It should be divided into separate sentences. There are also unnecessary adverbs, such as "absolutely". It is unclear and a little purple. "The morning sky was clear." This tells me everything your first clause (before the first comma) told me in fewer words.

I got the sense that the bird was not a normal bird. You use unnecessary adverbs here "agile and slim" adds nothing to the flow of the story. Adverbs are not bad per se, but often they just interrupt the immediacy and flow of a story (although they may sound poetic bordering purple). "A little (I am keeping this adverb) bird had a brilliant idea, and alighted from its branch"

I think I have said everything in your first paragraph in 17 words rather than 50 (but using one more sentence). Clearness and conciseness is a virtue.

It was a piece of cake, but with some questions. After a short moment the bird's brain remembered of a typical marine inlet, and in doing so the winged creature felt joy.

I would consider not using human proverbs when using the POV of an animal, unless you intend to personify them. Is still do not know what the bird's thought process is, but I am joyfully intrigued. "a typical marine inlet"... do you expect most of your readers to recognise what a typical marine inlet is? An estuary perhaps, people tend to know that term.

Use of adverbs again, "short" is unnecessary. I am going to break this down further. "It was a piece of cake, but with some questions" OR, and I am removing all filtering here to get inside the bird's head "this should be easy, given certain conditions". "After a short moment the bird's brain remembered of a typical marine inlet, and in doing so the winged creature felt joy." Here you really are using filtering and it separates the reader from the bird's thought process, "Fantastic, a typical estuary!" as an alternative gets the reader immediately inside the bird's thought process and creates a connection and an immediacy. This is assuming you are intending to write in first person limited.

Randomly during the year the rain was eliminated in order to fight the pollution that was developing underground.

Authorial intrusion. If the bird was aware of this why would he be telling the reader about it? The truth is that you as an author are using the bird to provide your own exposition. This is easily resolved. "Was it the right time of year? When the rain stopped?" etc etc. get into the bird's head, create some uncertainty, have the bird question himself.

And so on.

I hope this is useful, if not please feel free to ignore it.
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Review of ENIGMA  Open in new Window.
Review by Chinspinner Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.5)
During the sixth attempt to widen the universe, a creature named Flip Jupiter created the newly frightened and incomparable Kale Arugula!!
While not completely sure why he existed, Kale decided to take a break and sat on a fake chair, and from that position he orchestrated an act of kindness.
Kale kept at hand one of the most beautiful suit, and inside one of the pockets he always found a nice piece of Reggiano cheese.

Bad formatting makes this a little difficult to read. An intriguing start though.

If you now flip this story upside down, you’ll discover the reason why Kale Arugula was created.

What story? This was a big disconnect for me. I hadn't read a story, just a few introductory sentences, certainly insufficient to be flipped upside down.

There was once a girl by the name of Hammerlina Smith. Kale thought she was very beautiful but she really wasn’t, and because she was very little interested in marriage, Hammerlina induced Kale Arugula to complete three difficult trials: recover a potent explosive situated in the basement of Magellan Lasagna, the warlock; paint an abstract work of art (up to a point), and last, create a title of a famous thriller!

The old cliche, "show don't tell". You do a lot of telling here. It come across as exposition, and given that I am not yet hooked it is not the good kind of exposition. You are also head hopping and using authorial intrusion to a degree, in that your POV is Kale, but you are telling the reader things that Kale could not possibly appreciate. The head hopping is acceptable if you are writing in omniscient rather than first person limited, but the authorial intrusion is not.

The house of Magellan was near a gigantic cliff, and easily spotted because its half was missing.
Kale arranged (or placed) a machine gun right by the front door and then stationed himself on the roof and waited.

Again, explain this from the POV. The fact the house is on a cliff provided him with a natural defensive position, maybe.


Meanwhile, but not at the same time, a tree house broke completely and fell on the ground several times; Magellan Lasagna, the warlock, visibly anxious, sparked off a furious thunderstorm that fellatio on the poor Kale Arugula, perplexed only on one side of his face. However, the power of the warlock did not last very long, due to an illness that he was dragging for years, caused by the use of tainted spells.

I think "fellatio" might be the wrong word here, but it made me laugh (unintentionally). "Meanwhile, but not at the same time" is a contradiction. Again, you are telling, this is all tedious exposition.

Kale did everything he could to retaliate, but the poor boy did not know that Mr. Lasagna was protected by two skillful trapeze artists that on their days off were working as sound engineers at the home of chief of police Lieutenant Alonzo Poowhistle.

Telling.

Kale at that moment was wearing a two piece suit very “ciucc’ame’ucaz”, and it gave him the untold strength to knock out one of the flying acrobat with a one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven punch combination.

Telling. We are too removed from the characters. Pick a POV and stick to it. This is trite but: "Strength surged through Kales body; the suit, it was doing its job". See how it is more immediate, see how it gets me inside the character's head? You filter a lot, filtering is when you remove the reader from the character by explaining in turgid detail rather than allowing the reader to experiance the character's emotions.

The left over trapeze artist, who read minds, added the number of words that Kale Arugula was thinking; then, subtracting from the ones that didn't make any sense at the end of each phrase, obtained a number of letters equivalent to the conversation that took place between Magellan Lasagna and him 3 days ago. Enigma solved.

Again, telling.

Honestly, it is a nice idea but it needs a lot of work. You need to pick a POV, and write from that character's viewpoint. You need to cut out the authorial intrusion, the filtering, and you need to get the reader into the action.
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Review by Chinspinner Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hi, I have been through your piece and have a few suggestions on the first paragraph, which should hopefully serve to improve the structure and clarity a little. Obviously feel free to ignore these is they are not useful: -

A simple kiss turned into a what was suppose to be a hot rough night of pleasure for Cindy and her mystery woman who had not given her name, saying that it can be whatever Cindy would like it to be.

Long and awkward sentence. It has too many unrelated clauses. "A simple kiss turned into what was supposed to be a hot (too many adverbs, I removed one) night of pleasure for Cindy. Her mystery woman had not given her name, saying it can be whatever Cindy liked (I have removed the decorative clause at the end of this)".

The beautiful woman was named to be Mary according to Cindy.

Confusing. "Cindy had settled on the name Mary."

Mary was in a tight black dress that went lovely with her red hair and gray eyes that pierced your soul.

Again, too many clauses in this sentence. "Mary was wearing a tight black dress, which complimented her red hair. Her grey eyes seemed to pierce your soul." I would add that the last description is a little of a cliché.

Cindy on the other hand was just dressed in skinny jeans and a low-cut shirt. Crashing into the apartment, trying not to break the kiss, they fell onto the soft silky blankets.

These sentences are a lot clearer.

Mary skillfully got the jeans off Cindy, while a not so skillful Cindy had trouble getting her shirt off. Mary’s hands went up the shirt to get it off, giving Cindy a playful squeeze on her right breast.


the wording is a little awkward here. "Mary skilfully removed Cindy's jeans while Cindy fumbled with her own shirt. Mary moved on to her shirt and swiftly unfastened her buttons, playfully squeezing her right breast."

Cindy was now only in pure white undergarments, giving her partner the feeling to take away whatever was left of her innocence, despite this not being Cindy’s first time.

Another slightly awkward sentence. You also switch POV's in this sentence. You seem to be writing in Limited Third Person from Cindy's POV, but halfway through this sentence we see things from Mary's POV. This is called "head-hopping" and it is confusing for readers. you are best to stick to one POV. "Cindy was in her pure white undergarments. Mary had a hungry look in her eyes, as if she intended to remove whatever was left of Cindy's innocence." See I changed the sentence so that the POV remains with Cindy, but she is reading Mary's emotions from her expression. I would also start a new paragraph here.

The pale hand ran up Cindy’s thigh. Their lips clashed once again, tongues dancing with each other, but also fighting for dominance. The black dress slowly started to fall off Mary, revealing [that she had -DELETE] a black and red corset underneath. Cindy [couldn’t help but to - DELETE] stare[d] in awe and lust. She [soon -DELETE] snapped out of it when she felt a nip on her neck. Blood mixed with saliva ran down her neck. A sense of fear [but- not "but", "and"] excitement ran through her. She let out a moan as Mary sucked on her neck, lapping up the blood.

This section reads better.

I hope this is helpful.

Chinspinner
4
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Review by Chinspinner Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
With a new age of medicine, people live longer than ever before. My future children will likely live to see their great-grandparents, while my grandfather wasn’t old enough to remember his mother before she died.

I think the first part of the first sentence is self-evident and can be deleted. Moving to the second sentence, surely your grandparents will live long enough to see your children, rather than the other way around? I think the last part of this sentence is also self-evident and can be deleted. I would word it "People are living longer than ever before. My grandparents will probably live to see their great-grandchildren." It expresses the same idea more concisely.

However, all these improvements come with costs. I witness and remember more deaths than ever before. I realize seeing these deaths are inevitable, but the trouble comes with the remembering part.

I would delete "these" from the first sentence so that it reads more smoothly; "However, all improvements come with costs." The meaning of the second sentence is unclear. Do you mean you witness more deaths now then when you were younger, or that you witness more deaths than your ancestors would have at the same age? I am assuming it is the latter. If it is you maybe comparing yourself to generations who lived through world wars, in which case this would be a logical fallacy. Perhaps; "It seems that at a young age I have witnessed too much death. I realise that seeing death is inevitable, but the trouble comes with the remembering part."

I remember aunts not being able to go to the bathroom on their own because ovarian cancer had progressed too far. I remember friends not being able to communicate at all due to stroke. I remember grandparents too sick to be around family at thanksgiving as a result of prostate cancer. And I remember my mom, who is living with fibromyalgia, too tired and too hurting to do anything besides lie on the couch and sleep all day.

I would reword some of these sentences slightly; I would also get rid of the plurals and describe specifically who you are referring to. "I remember when my Aunt was unable to use the bathroom unaided due to advanced ovarian cancer. I remember my friend rendered unable to communicate due to a stroke. I remember my grandparent unable to attend a family thanksgiving due to prostrate cancer. And now I witness my mom living with fibromyalgia. She is tired and in pain and spends her days lying on the couch where she drifts in and out of sleep."

These are not the memories that neither I nor anyone else should have to keep.

Wording is slightly wrong here. "These are memories that no-one should have to keep."

Inspired by these recollections, I fell in love with helping others. My dad will be the first to admit that I was the one to grab him glasses of water and aspirin when he had a minor cold. But, I still was the “do everything” type of kid. I wanted to try every sport, every instrument, every subject and succeed in it all. And succeed I did…until high school, where reality set in. I realized I was pretty good at a lot of different things. However, I wasn’t really truly great at something.

This reads well. The final sentence I would reword to "However, I wasn't truly great at one thing."

When I was finally exposed to biology in my sophomore year, life really clicked together. I loved the subject, I was good at it, and it was a direct path to helping others in the future. I took the AP Biology exam that year and attended lectures at UCONN health center, given by doctors from all different fields. Then earlier this year, Dr. Mor spoke to my class about his Ovarian Cancer research, and, I have to admit, it was motivating to see his passion. With all these events adding up, I found what I know I’m meant to do.

Again this reads well. Parts I would alter, "Earlier this year Dr. Mor spoke to my class about his Ovarian Cancer research and I was motivated by his passion. I now know what I am meant to do." Should Ovarian Cancer be capitalised here and if so should it be elsewhere in the piece?

My goal with medicine is to minimize the scary memories and replace them with happy people fulfilling their lives. This means we need better cures and treatments. And this is where your program comes into play. I want to be a part of the revolution to restore happy memories to families. And I want to start that now, helping out with your research.

Some changes I would make. "My goal with medicine is to take my unpleasant memories and replace them with happy people leading fulfilling lives. This means we need better treatments and cures, and this is why your program is so important." The final lines are good.

Please feel free to ignore this if it is not of use, but in either event I wish you all the best with this application.

Cheers

Chinspinner
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