Pico ヨハネス's (picodoll) Reviews

Pico ヨハネス

Review Requests: OFF

601 Public Reviews Given

603 Total Reviews Given

Review Style

I am a published author. That doesn't make me an expert reviewer but it does means I've learned a few things about good writing. You can expect me to critique storytelling, character development, plot, transitions and other building blocks of writing. I will point out grammar and punctuation issues when I notice them but if you are looking for someone to give that kind review, there are others who will do far better than I. I try to be honest and encouraging but if you're requesting a review, I'm sure you expect it to be thorough. Good reviews sometimes hurt. I can't spare you that and give you an honest review.

I'm good at...

Critiquing your storytelling skills, especially first chapter reviews. I'm also good at building believable characters and recognizing good dialogue. I can review whole novels but my time is limited and it has to be worth my while.

Favorite Genres

Action adventure, comedy, historical, sci-fi and well-conceived fantasy.

Least Favorite Genres

Horror, Erotica, LGBTQ, Poetry. Some of this I don't like at all while the rest I am wholly inadequate to give a review on.

Favorite Item Types

Short stories, first chapters, and complete novels if they are not astronomically long.

Least Favorite Item Types

Extremely long novels, poetry, random chapters from the middle of a longer story.

I will not review...

Horror or Erotica. I will also not give reviews on random middle chapters. I don't believe they can be adequately reviewed out of context. Please don't ask me to review Vampire or Zombie stories. The sub-genre has been beaten to death and I don't want to read another one.

1

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4361235

Review of Threads in the Tapestry

for entry "Vit"

Review by Pico ヨハネス

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

This is a review from the "Novel Review Group" and "Simply Positive Review Forum "

Title: Threads in the Tapestry

Chapter Reviewed: Vit

User Name: jonjames

Remember I am not a professional reviewer. These are just my personal impressions and thoughts. My goal is to be encouraging and give you something that will actually help your writing.

Plot:

Vitaly Petrovich is working for the Russian government on a toxic dump site. He first deals with an on the job complication before we move into the reason for the chapter. He is once again needed by his American special forces team and is about to be retrieved by them after a surprise visit by General Vukov. He exits the stage on a specially equipped Osprey sent to him for that purpose.

Characters:

Captain Vitaly Petrovich - Big man and a member of this special team being assembled for what exactly we haven't been informed of yet. Definitely a man of action. I do wonder how he became a part of an American special forces team seeing that he is obviously well connected with the Russian military.

Pavel Tickinoff - Bit character, a well-constructed foil to our man Vit.

General Vukov - He's well described and fits his role here well but he does just kind of walk onto the scene and then leaves.

Grammar:

Nothing noted.

style/voice:

From Vit's point of view. I thought the chapter was very well written.

Setting:

Sayda Bay, Russia - An inhospitable military toxic waste site.

Overall:

I loved the way you started this chapter. The symbolism of the tree, the accident requiring Vit's attention. The surprise arrival of his Russian superior just before the arrival of his ride to who knows what. I honestly wouldn't change anything in this chapter. For that reason, I'm not expecting gp rewards for this one because I'm really not offering much besides a pat on the back.

Line by line

Didn't see anything.

Keep on writing!

Pico

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2

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14 days may be credited.

#4357950

Review of Ghost Tales: Salem Times

Review by Pico ヨハネス

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (4.5)

This is a review from "Simply Positive Review Forum "

Remember I am not a professional reviewer. These are just my personal impressions and thoughts. My goal is to be encouraging and give you something that will actually help your writing.

First Impressions:

Not really my genre but the writing, character development, and story telling are superior. You hook the reader right at the beginning. I'm not left with much to critique.

My Favorite Elements:

The story is really well told.

Suggestions:

On my initial reading, I honestly didn't notice anything and was considering giving you one of my rare 5-star ratings and gifting you back the gps offered. I did run some search scans and found a couple of nitpicks though.

There is a school of thought when it comes to writing that requires the word 'was' to be eliminated. You have a lot of them, especially in one particular paragraph. If I were you I would try to write them out as much as possible.

Same thing goes for adverbs. You don't have as many of those but most of them can be gotten rid of without hurting the story or the mood. I have no objection to keeping the ones that occur within dialogue. Real people use adverbs when they speak.

Overall:

This is really well written. The storytelling is so good that it almost masks the minor issues that I pointed out. Excellent work though. I've read published work that wasn't this good.

Keep on writing!

Pico

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3

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14 days may be credited.

#4354098

Review of Threads in the Tapestry

for entry "The Twins"

Review by Pico ヨハネス

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 13+

| (3.0)

This is a review from the "Novel Review Group" and "Simply Positive Review Forum "

Title: Threads in the Tapestry

Chapter Reviewed: The Twins

User Name: jonjames

Remember I am not a professional reviewer. These are just my personal impressions and thoughts. My goal is to be encouraging and give you something that will actually help your writing.

Plot:

Merci is on a mission to pack up for her boyfriend Rho. She goes to his place and is immediately sidetracked by a phone call from Roger. He sends her to visit a couple of psychic twins who give her some additional information about her paranormal experiences. The chapter is quite short it leaves us with Merci back at Rho's place where she left off.

Characters:

Merci - Pretty much stays in character and does her thing.

Roger - Who the heck is Roger? Where did he come from and what is his connection to Merci. It really isn't laid out. For the reader, it is obvious he is a friend of Merci's but for us he is this disembodied voice injected into the story.

The Twins - Two people but for all intents and purposes one character. Kind of a circus freak air to the two of them.

Grammar:

Again wasn't paying attention.

style/voice:

This chapter was pretty much entirely from Merci's pov. I didn't have any problems with how the chapter was written.

Setting:

Changes as the scene changes. I thought the description was more than adequate.

Overall:

This chapter feels like a side trip or interruption and not a necessary part of the story. As a reader, I don't feel like I learned anything that I hadn't already figured out. If this is really necessary for Merci more has to be made of that need before we get to this point. That might be able to be coupled with an introduction to Roger who we have not previously met. I'm assuming he's important to the story as well.

The twins themselves have a circus sideshow air to them. Don't get me wrong I did find the whole thing entertaining. I don't believe you should just chop the chapter. Going back to Merci at this point was needed anyway. It fits the rhythm as we go through the chapters. This is the first chapter though that I believe needs quite a bit of work.

I imagine other reviewers have said similar things. Hope this all makes sense because I'm far from myself right now.

Line by line

"I'm just sent a Google map to your phone..." I think Roger meant to say I've.

Keep on writing!

Pico

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4

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14 days may be credited.

#4350362

Review of Threads in the Tapestry

for entry "The Great Oz"

Review by Pico ヨハネス

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

This is a review from the "Novel Review Group" and "Simply Positive Review Forum "

Title: Threads in the Tapestry

Chapter Reviewed: The Great Oz

User Name: jonjames

Remember I am not a professional reviewer. These are just my personal impressions and thoughts. My goal is to be encouraging and give you something that will actually help your writing.

Plot:

The first half of this chapter is a meeting between Sam Remy and his superior officer Kohl. Sam's special ops team is being reassembled and he is given only the need to know information. There is a lot of important foreshadowing and I thought it was all handled superbly. Immediately after the meeting, we meet Angel who is the team's transportation specialist. He has already begun the process of retrieving all the team members. From there we get served some backstory on Sam and then meet Jesse who's really just there to provide some more ominous foreshadowing. The chapter ends with Sam looking forward to reuniting with his team.

Characters:

Sam Remy - This meeting gets his alcohol problem under control. We've already met him and he stays in character. He's the guy who gets things done. My only concern with his character is where he is suppressing his anger in one paragraph. I think that might hint at him being too unstable for the job. Judging from the chapters I've read I don't think that was your intent. If it wasn't, consider revising that paragraph. The backstory was excellent and very clearly revealed that he has a conscience and that is going to be important down the road.

General Mathias Kohl - AKA The Great Oz. How did he get the nickname? Don't think I remember the answer to that if it was mentioned. This is the man that gives Sam's team their orders. He's going to remain mostly in the background from what I can tell. The face to face meeting helps show the gravity of the situation. He's also afraid, even though he doesn't say so. His body language is telling Sam and the reader that this is going to be the worst nightmare Sam's team has ever had to deal with. He seems a little uncertain about the commands that he is giving, which suggests he might not completely trust his superiors but he is confident that the team has what it takes to make it all work out. Not sure if I'm guessing right. He leaves with most of his mystery still intact, which is a good thing.

Angel - The bus driver. We meet him through a sat phone conversation. Sam's call to him sets things in motion. His job is to bring the team together. He's the one who will be transporting the team throughout their mission and he's the one that is supposed to bring them all home again.

Major Jesse Riker - Sam's best friend where he is currently working. For the purposes of this chapter, he's mostly a prophet of doom.

Grammar:

Didn't note anything here.

style/voice:

Same criticism as with Merci in the previous chapter. The piece "written" by Sam has your voice, your turn of phrase and is stylistically identical to yours. I don't think it is worth half a point off your score but that's my best option. The bigger question is how to fix it? I base my character personalities on people I know or have known and try to think of how they might have phrased things. Have you ever tried to write a piece in someone else's voice? I have done this for fun before. I wrote my story as told by Canadian comedian Red Green (AKA Steve Smith). When it was done it really sounded like it was written by him rather than me. Ideally, though you want to just tweak what you've got rather than do a complete rewrite of those sections. The issue isn't so bad that I think it would lead to a rejection of your manuscript by itself.

Setting:

Sam's digs in a bunker in Area 51. I wouldn't change a thing in the description.

Overall:

I don't think anything in the chapter was over described, in fact, a lot of your description adds foreshadowing and is an important part of the story. It isn't just window dressing. I especially like the "H.G. Wells' time traveler" reference. It fits.

Area 51 is intriguing. Gets a writer's juices flowing. What if...? Closest I've been is cycling across Nevada on a bicycle in 1986. I-80 is a long way from there though.

Not sure I have too much to offer on this chapter. I'm rubbing my hands in evil glee for the next one though.

Line by line

Didn't actually see anything of note here either.

Keep on writing!

Pico

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5

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14 days may be credited.

#4346640

Review of Threads in the Tapestry

for entry "Simene"

Review by Pico ヨハネス

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

This is a review from the "Novel Review Group" and "Simply Positive Review Forum "

My apologies for not getting on this sooner. My summers are full as well. We live in a hunting camp in the bush and there are a lot of chores to get done besides working full time. One thing I will mention here at the beginning of this review. The previous three chapter review was requested. I, unfortunately, did it as a review of chapter three. The gift points did come through to me. I'm assuming they were returned to you. I'm sure you can confirm that easily enough.

Title: Threads in the Tapestry

Chapter Reviewed: Chapter Four Simene

User Name: jonjames

Remember I am not a professional reviewer. These are just my personal impressions and thoughts. My goal is to be encouraging and give you something that will actually help your writing.

Plot:

The scene opens with Merci in the aftermath of her latest event. We are introduced to Simene. Already part of her inner circle of friends he is pulled in even closer. The chapter goes through detailed backstory about Merci's original encounter with Inman Island. Merci is preparing for a trip to Ketchican, Alaska for an archeological dig with her boyfriend. Simene will be cat sitting Manny. We are introduced to the Franken phone an invention of Simene which will become more important later on. I have read all the available chapters at this point to get the context. That's part of the reason it has taken me this long to get going on further chapter reviews.

Only one criticism here. As the story develops there seems to be an air of doubt in Merci's mind at least that this is pointing to Inman Island. I haven't noted any reason for her to question the connection from the very beginning of the chapter. I don't think any hint of lingering doubt is helping you here.

Characters:

Simene - He's a stock techno-geek character. Not saying that as an insult. That's just what he is. You dressed him up and fleshed him out very well. He is necessary to the story and fills his role well.

Manny - The cat has been advanced to an actual character. I like it.

Merci - This is your heroine. I mostly like the character but there are a couple things that nag at me. First, a question is she a wholly made up character or is she based on a real person or a composite of people? One thing I noticed is that I can find no real distinction between your writing as the author and hers as the main character. At times, this leads to the impression that she thinks like a man rather than a woman.

I also find it a little odd that, while on the one hand, she is very self-conscious about her white skin and makes every effort to conceal it, but is very quick to show a whole lot to Simene in the name of full disclosure. In my mind, it clashes. I think she could have shown her secret a lot less dramatically.

Grammar:

I didn't see anything but I really wasn't paying attention.

style/voice:

Echoing the point on Merci's writing. When you get inside your characters head they all seem to have the same voice as the author. This is an impression I'm not sure other readers will share. Have any of your other reviewers mentioned this at all?

Setting:

Merci's home. Very well described. I don't see anything here to fault.

Overall:

The writing and storyline to this point are excellent.

Line by line

" At times, he squirmed at bit, but never an indication of disbelief..."

There was another error I saw but can't find for the life of me now and I don't remember exactly what it was.

Keep on writing!

Pico

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6

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14 days may be credited.

#4340760

Review of Threads in the Tapestry

for entry "Dead Soldiers"

Review by Pico ヨハネス

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

This is a review from "Simply Positive Review Forum "

Remember I am not a professional reviewer. These are just my personal impressions and thoughts. My goal is to be encouraging and give you something that will actually help your writing.

First Impressions:

I read through the first three chapters, meandered over to "Voyager" for a quick peek and then took a look at the beginning of chapter four. I very much enjoyed what I read. I did see some nitpicks. Most of what I have though are questions, which is likely your intention as a writer. From my perspective, this could be a very good book. Your style and skill lead me to believe it will be. The plot does, however, have the potential to go right off the rails. Sounds like fun to me.

My Favorite Elements:

Your descriptions are excellent. The storyline as presented is interesting. At the end of each chapter in a work, I am reviewing, I always ask myself whether I want to keep reading. Each time the answer is yes.

This starts out with a strong air of mystery and it is sustained through the first three chapters. I want to know what happens next. I want to know how the pieces fit together. That is your story's biggest selling point.

Suggestions:

Your work at this point in my reading seems just a tad description heavy. I don't see it as a problem in these chapters but I can see things bogging down a little as I go. If I review the rest of the book, that is one thing I will be looking for.

Merci Pleasant and Sam Remy appear to be the two main players. They're both haunted. They are well described but outside of that I really don't know that much about them. I see personality but not complex motives. Motives drive characters and characters drive novels. That has plenty of time to develop so at this point it is just an observation.

I loved the prologue and am curious as to how it connects with the story. Personally, I prefer my prologues without a chapter number attached. My only other criticism of it is the use of the word presents near the end which should obviously read presence.

Throughout there are a few places where I run into adverbs that could be weeded out but I didn't see it as much of an issue. I try to restrict my adverb usage to dialogue knowing that some publishers are real sticklers about getting rid of them.

Overall:

Your writing is superior. In these three chapters finding things to critique was a bit of a challenge. I'm interested in reviewing the rest of the book. We'll see what you think of this review. From here I would take it a chapter at a time. I have chapter review template and would work with that. Hope this review lived up to expectations.

Keep on writing!

Pico

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Please take the time to visit my portfolio and don't be too shy to sign my guest book. Reviews are always welcome.

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7

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14 days may be credited.

#4340119

Review of The Plan! (Full Short Story)

Review by Pico ヨハネス

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

This is a review from "Simply Positive Review Forum "

Remember I am not a professional reviewer. These are just my personal impressions and thoughts. My goal is to be encouraging and give you something that will actually help your writing.

First Impressions:

There is a lot to like in this short story. My review, however, will be focusing on this being part of a novel. The quality of the writing is technically excellent. I would weed out a few adverbs but would otherwise leave that aspect alone. You start off with a good hook and work through the story from there. While this is science fiction genre wise, it does stick to the plausible and possible.

My Favorite Elements:

The idea of colonizing other planets in our solar system fascinates me and probably a lot of other readers.

You give us what we need as readers as far as building this future world without overdoing the description. In this regard, you've laid an important cornerstone for a possible novel. I think this is where most of your fans see the potential for turning this into a novel.

Suggestions:

Your protagonist is Nathan Marcus. He is the only character in your short story that is fully fleshed out. As he is portrayed he is good enough to carry five chapter but not a novel length story. Good protagonists spend at least some time in hell. It's rare to find a good novel lead that hasn't got some painful backstory. We usually give them more pain as the story progresses. Nathan is almost there but we need that little bit more to go for a longer ride with him.

In real life, the guy who does the planning isn't usually the one who implements this kind of plan but this is a book and he can and you'll get away with it.

From there you need a larger more developed cast. One guy is not likely to cut it especially with a story premise this big.

There is no real conflict in this story as it is written. This is a minor problem in five chapters. It will loom huge in a novel. I'm not saying you have to create an uber evil villain. Colonizing Mars would be an epic struggle with nature the way it is. If you are going to turn this into a book though you have to be aware of the conflict and use it to keep you readers with you. You will at the very minimum need to inject some of it into what you've already written with well-placed foreshadowing.

Overall:

I think the potential for a novel is here but it isn't as simple as just writing more. Hope this has been helpful.

Keep on writing!

Pico

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8

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14 days may be credited.

#4337079

Review of Mushrooms to AI

Review by Pico ヨハネス

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (4.0)

This is a review from "Simply Positive Review Forum "

Remember I am not a professional reviewer. These are just my personal impressions and thoughts. My goal is to be encouraging and give you something that will actually help your writing.

First Impressions:

"Informal musings" and you end up with what amounts to a short informal article. As far as that goes, I thought it was a little odd but on the other hand good enough.

My Favorite Elements:

The thread of logic running from beginning to end. I didn't have any difficulty following your train of thought.

Suggestions:

Your title doesn't do anything for me or anyone else I foisted it on. I think you need something that might lead people to read it. I think a "why" or a "how" title might fit that. A good title needs to draw people in while the article itself delivers the goods.

For polishing, you might do a little adverb weeding too. Adverbs are words ending in "ly" and can usually just be deleted without changing the meaning. A lot of writers and editors will encourage their almost total elimination.

Overall:

I thought this wasn't a bad rough draft for an article. For your rating, I only docked you for the title and the nitpicks. Hope this is helpful.

Keep on writing!

Pico

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9

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14 days may be credited.

#4288677

Review of Gurlock Study Mishaps-C and B series #4

Review by Pico ヨハネス

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (4.5)

This is a review from "Simply Positive Review Forum "

Remember I am not a professional reviewer. These are just my personal impressions and thoughts. My goal is to be encouraging and give you something that will actually help your writing.

First Impressions:

I read the first paragraph and asked myself if I wanted to keep reading. I decided to go ahead and enjoyed your work. I like well written fantasy but I'm not a big fan of the genre. Maybe because I've read a lot of badly written fantasy. This was well done.

My Favorite Elements:

The bit of humour this was written with. The story line flowed logically. There was conflict and drama.

Suggestions:

Where I struggled a bit was at the beginning. Fantasy invariably throws up a lot of questions, especially in a short piece, or it spends way too much time explaining things. Some of the questions my mind was asking at the beginning, I wasn't sure I wanted to have answered. Gurlocks sounds "Ewww!" and I wasn't sure I wanted to know more about them. Not quite sure how to fix that or even if it needs to be.

Overall:

Great work. I enjoyed reading it.

Keep on writing!

Pico

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10

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14 days may be credited.

#4286162

Review of Attacked at the Campfire

Review by Pico ヨハネス

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

This is a review from "Simply Positive Review Forum "

Remember I am not a professional reviewer. These are just my personal impressions and thoughts. My goal is to be encouraging and give you something that will actually help your writing.

First Impressions:

This was a delightful short piece of writing. Brilliantly executed. I thoroughly enjoyed it from beginning to end.

My Favorite Elements:

I like the way the story progressed right down to the final sentence.

Suggestions:

I'm sure if I tried real hard I might find something to nitpick. I don't see any point in doing so.

Overall:

Great job. Look forward to seeing more of your work in the future.

Keep on writing!

Pico

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Please take the time to visit my portfolio and don't be too shy to sign my guest book. Reviews are always welcome.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

11

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14 days may be credited.

#4285487

Review of Think of Home

Review by Pico ヨハネス

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

This is a review from "Simply Positive Review Forum "

Remember I am not a professional reviewer. These are just my personal impressions and thoughts. My goal is to be encouraging and give you something that will actually help your writing.

First Impressions:

Overall I think this is very readable and well written. A couple question marks do pop up along the way. The action sequence and the confusion is well portrayed. The dialogue is mostly believable.

My Favorite Elements:

The action sequence at the beginning and then the progression of the story. A lot of writers struggle to get anywhere near the level this is at.

Suggestions:

First sentence his gun slips from his hands and there is no further mention of this event. In the middle of battle this is a big deal. No mention is made of him picking it back up so I suspect that he didn't actually drop it although that is what the wording implies. Hope he didn't get any dirt in the barrel. That really is a big deal and you should fix it. It doesn't make sense to me that a trained soldier could drop his weapon accidentally in this fashion.

Second issue for me is when you listed his injuries. How did he lose a lot of blood? The injuries are serious and painful but none of the ones you listed usually involve a great deal of blood loss. I think you have to get a severe laceration in there somewhere.

Overall:

I think this is excellent and only needs a bit of work to be spot on.

Keep on writing!

Pico

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Please take the time to visit my portfolio and don't be too shy to sign my guest book. Reviews are always welcome.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

12

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14 days may be credited.

#4285131

Review of Daily Flash Fiction Challenge

Review by Pico ヨハネス

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

This is a review from "Simply Positive Review Forum "

Remember I am not a professional reviewer. These are just my personal impressions and thoughts. My goal is to be encouraging and give you something that will actually help your writing.

First Impressions:

This brings to mind a lot of not so warm memories. Been through a number of severe blizzards in my time. If it's that cold that a man with gloves has ten or fifteen minutes of time before frostbite sets in, the snow is just blowing around. I'm actually writing this review while taking a break from cutting, hauling and chopping firewood out in the snow. It's cold but actually a very nice day. I liked this because I could easily identify with it.

My Favorite Elements:

The description. I think it is very well done.

Suggestions:

North of Fargo. I understand the technique being used and it was effective but by time I'd gotten into this piece I'd read it three times. I would delete the subheading at the beginning.

Overall:

Excellent work. Hope you do well in the contest.

Keep on writing!

Pico

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13

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#4285074

Review of Queen of Hearts

Review by Pico ヨハネス

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

This is a review from "Simply Positive Review Forum "

Remember I am not a professional reviewer. These are just my personal impressions and thoughts. My goal is to be encouraging and give you something that will actually help your writing.

First Impressions:

This was a very well written crime story. It has all the elements a story like this should have. Excellent dialogue and description throughout. You appealed to most of the senses. A reference to smell could have been effective but won't fault you for that. I liked the story and the telling.

My Favorite Elements:

I liked the plot.

Suggestions:

I'm kind of blah on the name of your protagonist and I'm not sure why. Didn't mark you down for that. Might be just my own personal thing.

I normally don't notice things like this but you did it in your first sentence. Passed should read past. Also just lose the adverb (purposefully). It adds nothing. You'll get away with stuff like that in the middle of the narrative but not in your opening.

I didn't notice anything else.

Overall:

Excellent work. Loved it. Definitely deserving of any praise you've been given.

Keep on writing!

Pico

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14

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14 days may be credited.

#4284629

Review of Where Faith and Love Meet Together

Review by Pico ヨハネス

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (5.0)

This is a review from "Simply Positive Review Forum "

Remember I am not a professional reviewer. These are just my personal impressions and thoughts. My goal is to be encouraging and give you something that will actually help your writing.

First Impressions:

I thoroughly enjoyed this from start to finish. I did read in your bio about your love for Pittsburgh. It shines through in this story.

My Favorite Elements:

I find a lot of writers overdo description or do it badly. You added a lot of it but it is the part of the writing that I like the best. You painted pictures I could see in my minds eye. Bravo!

Suggestions:

Many people frown on the use of adverbs. I noticed them but thought they worked.

Your father asks Sal if he sees that girl after his friend has already acknowledged her. Seems illogical but I can see a love struck man saying exactly that in this situation.

I honestly don't see anything wrong with this piece.

Overall:

Great job! May visit your port again when I have more time.

Keep on writing!

Pico

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Please take the time to visit my portfolio and don't be too shy to sign my guest book. Reviews are always welcome.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

15

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#4284058

Review of Edible Fungi

Review by Pico ヨハネス

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (4.0)

This is a review from "Simply Positive Review Forum "

I am not a poet and have only rudimentary knowledge on the subject. I do think that poetry should have a general appeal that goes beyond lovers of poetry. For that reason I'm giving my opinion. It is just an opinion but I hope you find it helpful.

Overall Impression:

As a youth I enthusiastically studied mycology for some reason or other. Just found it very interesting. Your opening line is a common myth. The majority of fungi in the wild are inedible that doesn`t mean they are poisonous. It`s been a long time but I seem to recall the percentage of poisonous species at something like ten to fifteen percent. Edible species were a slightly higher percentage. The rest were simply unpalatable but not poisonous. The danger is that some of the poisonous ones are extremely deadly and similar in appearance to the untrained eye as some of the more delicious species. A mistake is a horrible way to die as well. I`ve read the progression of symptoms. Personally I`ve collected and eaten a number of species and know them very well. They included Fairy Ring Mushrooms, Meadow Mushrooms, two species of ink cap, Oyster Mushrooms and Giant Puffballs.

Rant aside I enjoyed your poem.

Structure:

Consistent rhyme scheme throughout although the rhythm didn`t really seem to be.

Imagery:

Not really applicable in this case. This was more an education type poem. So I don`t see any fault here.

Suggestions:

I know it`s less dramatic but I`d fix the first line and possibly tinker with the rhythm some. The title was kind of bland but it did catch my eye.

Final Words:

A nice little poem on the subject. I enjoyed reading.

Keep on writing!

Pico

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Please take the time to visit my portfolio and don't be too shy to sign my guest book. Reviews are always welcome.

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16

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#4283308

Review of The Marsh (Haiku)

Review by Pico ヨハネス

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (4.5)

This is a review from "Simply Positive Review Forum "

I am not a poet and have only rudimentary knowledge on the subject. I do think that poetry should have a general appeal that goes beyond lovers of poetry. For that reason I'm giving my opinion. It is just an opinion but I hope you find it helpful.

Overall Impression:

I looked at several of your poems before deciding to go ahead and write a review of this one. I like the simplicity of it.

Structure:

I'm not much of a poet and I am glad you included in the title the fact that this is a Haiku. This Japanese form has gained a great deal of popularity and you followed it flawlessly. Personally I would find it very difficult.

Imagery:

Excellent.

Suggestions:

Here's a nitpick. Splender should be spelled splendor.

Final Words:

As a poet you are quite skilled at least from my perspective. Keep up the good work.

Keep on writing!

Pico

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Please take the time to visit my portfolio and don't be too shy to sign my guest book. Reviews are always welcome.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

17

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#4282983

Review of The Right Path

Review by Pico ヨハネス

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (4.0)

This is a review from "Simply Positive Review Forum "

Remember I am not a professional reviewer. These are just my personal impressions and thoughts. My goal is to be encouraging and give you something that will actually help your writing.

First Impressions:

On first reading I found the story good, but to me it didn't flow. Think I've figured it out.

My Favorite Elements:

Your mother's helpfulness. My mom would've done that and so would my wife.

Suggestions:

Here's the fun part for me. First paragraph, I would change the first two sentences slightly to, I was making the bed. It was my habit.

After that you have a verb agreement problem. I would change everything to past tense. I'm surprised it bothered me as much as it did while I was reading it. Example: Immediately pulled the blanket right off. Giddy with power, I grabbed the pillow and flung it in the air. The are more so you'll have to look for them. Might have to make some adjustments after that to stay within the word count.

Overall:

This is a great little story and I honestly thought to only dock you half a point. Hope your entry does well in the contest.

Keep on writing!

Pico

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Please take the time to visit my portfolio and don't be too shy to sign my guest book. Reviews are always welcome.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

18

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#4282709

Review of Nothing To Be Afraid Of

Review by Pico ヨハネス

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (4.0)

This is a review from "Simply Positive Review Forum "

Remember I am not a professional reviewer. These are just my personal impressions and thoughts. My goal is to be encouraging and give you something that will actually help your writing.

First Impressions:

Flash fiction entry so you're writing in a hurry. You fulfilled the prompt. Just a note. The people who run this contest really like it if you include a word count. I liked what you came up with. It is a complete story which is important some of the entries are not.

My Favorite Elements:

Awesome ending. The global warming line is genius.

Suggestions:

There is quite a bit of passive writing and it would more effective to fix that. For example: "A carrot would make a good nose." I would change would make to made. Last two sentences also used the word really twice.

Overall:

Great job. I really liked it. Good luck in the contest.

Keep on writing!

Pico

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Please take the time to visit my portfolio and don't be too shy to sign my guest book. Reviews are always welcome.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

19

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14 days may be credited.

#4282436

Review of We Haul, U-Haul--Don't Fall!

Review by Pico ヨハネス

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 18+

| (5.0)

This is a review from "Simply Positive Review Forum "

Remember I am not a professional reviewer. These are just my personal impressions and thoughts. My goal is to be encouraging and give you something that will actually help your writing.

First Impressions:

Haha! Loved it. Reminded me of a number of situation/stories I've been through. You can obviously hold a lot more vodka than the little lady I was with. Six foot five trying to help four foot nine walk does not geometrically work. Hope you weren't stuck out in the cold too long.

My Favorite Elements:

The humour. You're a great storyteller. It's a talent. Your timing is flawless.

Suggestions:

I'm sure if I strained I could find something to nitpick but why bother. I was thoroughly entertained.

Overall:

I'm just guessing but I've probably read and maybe even reveiwed something you wrote in the past. The writing style did seem familiar. At any rate I enjoyed it.

Keep on writing!

Pico

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Please take the time to visit my portfolio and don't be too shy to sign my guest book. Reviews are always welcome.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

20

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14 days may be credited.

#4281794

Review of Captain Jack and the Aqua Planet

Review by Pico ヨハネス

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (3.0)

This is a review from "Simply Positive Review Forum "

Remember I am not a professional reviewer. These are just my personal impressions and thoughts. My goal is to be encouraging and give you something that will actually help your writing.

First Impressions:

Stumbled upon this while clicking for random reviews. There is a lot to like here but there is at least one serious storytelling flaw. The story for the most part is told logically and it flows. Overall I liked it.

My Favorite Elements:

I love little elements of humour that pop in all over the place.

Suggestions:

In any story as the author your goal is to capture and hold your reader from the first couple sentences. Most readers will respond to action, conflict, drama and intrigue. You spent the entire first paragraph setting the stage with maybe a hint of intrigue. That isn't good enough. This story lends itself to action and I would have started the action right there. The description is important but should come later, when your reader is already hooked.

I could offer a few nitpicks but I won't because addressing this one point would make a huge difference in the quality of your work.

Overall:

Your writing is good and I hope I'm not saying anything to discourage you. I found the writing fresh and authentic. You have a good writing voice. Keep up the good work.

Keep on writing!

Pico

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Please take the time to visit my portfolio and don't be too shy to sign my guest book. Reviews are always welcome.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

21

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14 days may be credited.

#4281786

Review of My best season

Review by Pico ヨハネス

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (4.5)

This is a review from "Simply Positive Review Forum "

I am not a poet and have only rudimentary knowledge on the subject. I do think that poetry should have a general appeal that goes beyond lovers of poetry. For that reason I'm giving my opinion. It is just an opinion but I hope you find it helpful.

Overall Impression:

Found this clicking on random reviews and liked it. Very appropos for this morning considering we had the coldest night of the winter so far. Just thinking of spring brings a smile to my face. The whole poem is simple and straightforward.

Structure:

The rhyme scheme and rhythm were evident and easy to identify. It rolls off the tongue well when read outloud.

Imagery:

Uncomplicated easy to relate to.

Suggestions:

I think some of the imagery could have been tweaked a little. Nothing specific just a feeling while I read it.

Final Words:

Nice poem about spring. I thought it was well done. Keep up the great work.

Keep on writing!

Pico

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Please take the time to visit my portfolio and don't be too shy to sign my guest book. Reviews are always welcome.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

22

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#4281222

Review of Of Cities and Wild Flowers

Review by Pico ヨハネス

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (5.0)

This is a review from "Simply Positive Review Forum "

I am not a poet and have only rudimentary knowledge on the subject. I do think that poetry should have a general appeal that goes beyond lovers of poetry. For that reason I'm giving my opinion. It is just an opinion but I hope you find it helpful.

Overall Impression:

Probably not the first Oddquain I've read but definitely the first I've reviewed. I'm quite impressed with it and feel that I've learned a little something about poetry that I wasn't aware of before.

Structure:

I like that you identified the structure along with your poem. It makes it a lot easier for someone like myself to understand, appreciate and review. Easily the part of this that I like the most.

Imagery:

You created excellent images within the syllable count for each line. Not an easy task. I am impressed.

Suggestions:

None I think this is a gem.

Final Words:

I enjoyed reading and reviewing this piece of work. Keep up the great work.

Keep on writing!

Pico

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Please take the time to visit my portfolio and don't be too shy to sign my guest book. Reviews are always welcome.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

23

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#4280972

Review of Here Lies Santa Clause

Review by Pico ヨハネス

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

This is a review from "Simply Positive Review Forum "

I am not a poet and have only rudimentary knowledge on the subject. I do think that poetry should have a general appeal that goes beyond lovers of poetry. For that reason I'm giving my opinion. It is just an opinion but I hope you find it helpful.

Overall Impression:

Haha! Nothing like a little tongue in cheek mutilation of a popular song. My evil sense of humour can't help but appreciate you effort.

Structure:

Following the pattern of a popular Christmas song. The rhythm seemed to deviate a little from the original otherwise it follows along perfectly.

Imagery:

Clear and funny at least for me.

Suggestions:

I'm docking you for the rhythm thing because I can but I honestly would keep it just the way it is.

Final Words:

Brought a smile to my face. Enjoy the holiday season. As always -

Keep on writing!

Pico

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Please take the time to visit my portfolio and don't be too shy to sign my guest book. Reviews are always welcome.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

24

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14 days may be credited.

#4280851

Review of A Slippery Wet Disaster

Review by Pico ヨハネス

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (3.0)

This is a review from "Simply Positive Review Forum "

I am not a poet and have only rudimentary knowledge on the subject. I do think that poetry should have a general appeal that goes beyond lovers of poetry. For that reason I'm giving my opinion. It is just an opinion but I hope you find it helpful.

Overall Impression:

Very appropriate topic this time year. I had no difficulty identifying with the images. I hate battling the roads in this weather and look forward to warmer days.

Structure:

The basic line structure of this piece is clear enough. I do have trouble finding any kind of rhythm or rhyme scheme. Even reading aloud I couldn't make it sound poetic. I think this is the area where the greatest improvements could be made.

Imagery:

I don't think the imagery was impressively evocative but with this subject I don't think it needed to be either. It's pretty straight forward. I can't fault you for that in fact I kind of like it that way.

Suggestions:

Nothing that I haven't already mentioned.

Final Words:

I'm a novice when it comes to reviewing poetry. I this was okay but I didn't love it. Don't be afraid to take my words with a grain of salt. Good work.

Keep on writing!

Pico

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Please take the time to visit my portfolio and don't be too shy to sign my guest book. Reviews are always welcome.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

25

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14 days may be credited.

#4267118

Review of The Imperial Starship Chocola

Review by Pico ヨハネス

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

This is a review from "Simply Positive Review Forum "

Remember I am not a professional reviewer. These are just my personal impressions and thoughts. My goal is to be encouraging and give you something that will actually help your writing.

First Impressions:

Took me a few moments to orient myself to the names of the characters and their races. Creating a science fiction/fantasy world is no easy feat. I thought you did well and I liked the story.

My Favorite Elements:

The basic premise of these aliens needing to rescue their civilization from a chocolate shortage.

Suggestions:

At the beginning something is made of the Admiral's odour being the first on the ship in a long time yet his race is needed for navigation. Isn't there always one on the ship? Just a nitpick.

Overall:

Excellent job. I thought it was well written. Good luck with the contest.

Keep on writing!

Pico

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Please take the time to visit my portfolio and don't be too shy to sign my guest book. Reviews are always welcome.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .