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Review of Four Seasons  Open in new Window.
Review by DevonMarie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, GhostDragon Author Icon!

         *Leaf4*Overall

Awesome poem! It's pretty and refreshing after all the emotional stuff I've been reading. The four seasons are always fun to read about, and you wrote it nicely. I'm glad I had a chance to read your works.

I have a suggestion, though. Why don't you use commas/periods at the ends of your sentences? I know a lot of poets don't, but it's always something that bugs me. Since it is a personal issue, I won't lower your rating for it, but I'm curious. Sometimes, commas and periods at the ends of the lines of poetry is the only thing that helps me sort out where to stop, and where to only pause. I have gotten confused many, many times while reading a poem, and the cause was usually the end punctuation.

Like in your stanza here:

Leaves fall and trees go bare, the days get shorter and darker
Everything begins to sleep
Leaves litter the ground on every lawn and every street
People begin to rake their lawns in the days of autmn


With proper end punctuation, you would add commas and periods like this:

Leaves fall and trees go bare, the days get shorter and darker.
Everything begins to sleep.
Leaves litter the ground on every lawn and every street,
People begin to rake their lawns in the days of autmn.


Above, while I was writing out the example, I had trouble even then. Because, while reading, I paused at the end of the third line, while stopping briefly at the end of the first one, because that was what I thought I was supposed to do. I don't know if that was what you had in mind at all, however. Without the commas and periods, it's totally up to the reader where to pause and stop in your poem, and that can lead to low ratings if they think you're flow is off because they're stopping at the wrong times and completely throwing the mood and flow off.

Anyway, I'm done ranting, and Write On!

         *Leaf2*Favorites

         *Leaf2**Bullet*Leaves fall and trees go bare, the days get shorter and darker
Everything begins to sleep —
I really liked these lines. Very pretty.

         *Leaf2**Bullet*The four seasons are all great in their own way
Snow, new life, time at the beach, and falling leaves —
I think I liked this line because it sums up everything that is in your poem in less than a line. It shows what you were saying about summer, spring, fall and winter. Beautiful lines.

         *Leaf4*Spelling/Grammar/Suggestions
These are just my personal suggestions. If you do not agree with me, feel free to ignore me.


         *Leaf2**Bullet*Freezing rain falling down(,) covering the ground — I think you could use a comma where indicated; it would make the flow more natural and help the reader out a little.

         *Leaf2**Bullet*Like they are melting in the summer(.) The perfect time to go — I have a question; why did the word 'The' get capitalized? If it was because you were starting a new sentence, I suggest you add a period where indicated.

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Review by DevonMarie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
         Hi, Richard T. Clark Author Icon!

         *Leaf4*Overall (-/+)

Oooh, no! Cliffhanger. Ouch. I can't wait for more! Would you e-mail me when you finish the new chapter? I hope it's soon. *Smile*

Anyway, this was a really good chapter. I liked it because more characters were introduced, and more feelings were shown. I felt sad when it was mentioned that Séamus would never be able to visit his mother's grave again, and I felt excited at the end of the chapter when you ended it like you did. The intoduction of Séamus's brother was very intresting, and I can't wait to see more with Matthew. The boy seems like the kind of character that will stir things up and never let them get dull.

Write on!

         *Leaf4*Characterization

As I said before, I think I'm gonna like Matthew and Gerard. They seem like very cool characters. In this chapter of the story, it was Séamus's character that got developed, and Treasa was left out of the loop a little. Still not much development on the little baby, however.

         *Leaf2*Plot/Finishing the Plot(s)

The plot... oh, my! Don't get me started! The cliffhanger you left the readers on is terrible. I can't wait to see what happens, and I think it's going to be very interesting to see how they escape. And as I've mentioned four times before, as this is the middle of a multi-chapter story, I cannot comment on the finishing of the plot(s).

         *Leaf4*Dialogue/Spacing

The dialogue and spacing were nearly perfect in this chapter. There were only one ot two places where I noticed dialogue tags that needed to be fixed. Awesome job!

         *Leaf2*Spelling/Grammar/Suggestions
These are just my personal suggestions. If you do not agree with me, feel free to ignore me.


         *Leaf2**Bullet*A breeze blew in from the north, riffling Séamus' hair as they advanced through the rows graves, — Shouldn't it be "Rows of graves"?

         *Leaf2**Bullet*As they walked(,) their tired feet scuffed the path running through the graveyard and reverberated off the tombstones. — I suggest adding a comma where indicated, or else it seems as though they're walking their tired feet like they'd walk their dog.

         *Leaf2**Bullet*Not now, there were more pressing matters. — I suggest that you either add the word "When" after the comma, or change the comma into a semi-colon.

         *Leaf2**Bullet*let off a slight(,) resounding echo through the interior of the cathedral as it came to rest in its frame. — I think you could use a comma where indicated.

         *Leaf2**Bullet*“So, you’re not going to try and persuade me to turn me self in?” — Shouldn't "me self" be "myself"? I wouldn't think much of it usually if a character spoke that way normally, but I found that Séamus spoke normally and clearly in the rest of the chapters, so I figured it must have been a simple typo.

         *Leaf2**Bullet*'Men of 48'' — I think you accidentally added an extra apostrophe.

         *Leaf2**Bullet*“Likewise, and thank you(.)” She said. — The indicated period needs to be changed to a comma, and "she" doesn't need to be capitalized.

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Review by DevonMarie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
         Hi, Richard T. Clark Author Icon!

         *Leaf4*Overall (-/+)

This was a pretty good chapter. I was wavering a little in the middle because it seemed to stretch out for a while, but when I reached Tresas's "news" I understood that, if their journey hadn't been described a little, the news would have been to direct and it would have seemed to sudden. All in all, I enjoyed it, and I hope they do get to name the baby (If it's a girl!) after Tresas's grandmother!

Write on!

         *Leaf4*Characterization

More development on Tresas's character in this chapter, but not much more on Séamus's. The little baby doesn't seem like he's getting much development at all, but as he can't even speak, it's to be expected. You could, however, show a little more what he looks like, what his little cries sound like (Soft, loud) or even what his personality is like.

         *Leaf2*Plot/Finishing the Plot(s)

The plot wasn't developed a whole lot in this chapter, but now we have an idea of where the characters are going, how they plan to get there, and that there will be another character soon! As always, since this is an ongoing story, I cannot comment on the finishing of the plot(s).

         *Leaf4*Dialogue/Spacing

The spacing was constant, and the dialogue was properly marked except for a few small places which I will list below.

         *Leaf2*Spelling/Grammar/Suggestions
These are just my personal suggestions. If you do not agree with me, feel free to ignore me.


         *Leaf2**Bullet*Side by side they walked on, Séamus on Treasa's left carrying Connell. — It confused me a little as to who was actually carrying Connell. I sorted it out in the end, but it could stand to have a little more description.

         *Leaf2**Bullet*They had been trading off carrying him between one and other in order to give each other intermissions, the infant becoming progressively more restless as they traveled. — Awkward sentence. Perhaps something like this: They had been taking turns carrying the small baby in order to give each other intermissions, for the infant was becoming progressively more restless as they traveled.

         *Leaf2**Bullet*Treasa could remember hearing the door open and turning around expecting to see Séamus. Instead seeing the soldier that had constantly stared at her making her feel uneasy the last time she had gone into town — Once again, this sentence is a little awkward and it breaks up the flow of the story. I suggest rephrasing it, and one suggestion as to how would be: Treasa could remember hearing the door open, and she could remember turning around expecting to see Séamus, but instead seeing the soldier that had constantly stared at her, making her feel uneasy the last time she had gone into town. Just a suggestion. You can do the wording however you want, but I do think it needs to be re-written.

         *Leaf2**Bullet*Despite writing them the letter, it still sadden her that she wouldn't be able to see them one last time. — Shouldn't "sadden" be "saddened"?

         *Leaf2**Bullet*The four month old now content with a full stomach — Nothing wrong, really, but I suggest that you edit "four year old" to "Four-year-old". Since you're speaking without pausing too much in the middle of the three words, it's always best to join them together with dashes.

         *Leaf2**Bullet*Séamus went to refill their water supply at the side of the creek(,) leaving Treasa to rest against the trunk of a tree while she fed Connell. — I think you could use a comma where indicated.

         *Leaf2**Bullet*“Quite(.)” she replied. — Indicated period needs to be a comma.

         *Leaf2**Bullet*It was entirely dark when they reached Kilkenny, (and) to their advantage the moon had not yet risen. — I think you should add the word "and" where indicated. It would make the sentence flow a little better.

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Review by DevonMarie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
         Hi, Richard T. Clark Author Icon!

         *Leaf4*Overall (-/+)

Woah. Strong chapter. So many emotions rushing forth. I'm glad you took time to stop and write through everything that I was so sure the characters had to be feeling. I think my favorite part of this chapter was imagining Mary's sorrow at not being able to have a child of her own, and we knew that at one point, she must have been thinking back on when Mary saw Treasa pregnant, ready to give birth to a child of her own. Although nothing like this is shown in the story, I know that Mary probably felt jealousy toward Treasa for having a child; something she couldn't have.

I have one thing to pick at:

Treasa's crying started to subside, more from having nothing left in her tear ducts than actually feeling any better.

I dunno why this line bothered me, but it did. Telling that "she doesn't have anything left in her tear ducts" broke the emotional flow of the story a little. Perhaps, "more from not having the strength to cry any longer than actually feeling any better" would keep the emotion there.

Anyway, good job!

Write on!

         *Leaf4*Characterization

OK, I really liked this chapter! It was really nice to see some more in-depth emotions of the characters, and I really liked the two new characters mentioned: Mary and Aiden. Although it doesn't seem as though they're going to be in the story for very long, I think they had strong personalities where you did show them. I loved the development on Treasa's part. It's nice to finally see her emotions and feelings.

         *Leaf2*Plot/Finishing the Plot(s)

The plot continues to get better and better and better. *Smile* I can't wait to get to the next chapter, but I don't know how long that'll take.

         *Leaf4*Dialogue/Spacing

I noticed that, in several places, you have triple spaced instead of just double spacing. I was very confused at first, thinking that they indicated place switches, and some did, but not all of them. I suggest indicating a place/time switch with some sort of emoticon or something. The dialogue tags still had a few mistakes, and as always, I listed them below.

         *Leaf2*Spelling/Grammar/Suggestions
These are just my personal suggestions. If you do not agree with me, feel free to ignore me.


         NOTE: A lot of the suggestions here are going to show different ways you could fix awkward sentences/sentence fragments, and you do not have to copy my exact words. I'm just putting my own thoughts down.

         *Leaf2**Bullet*“Thank you Aidan, this really means a lot to me(.)” He said, every ounce of gratitude in his voice. — The indicated period needs to be a comma.

         *Leaf2**Bullet*beside it was a table with assorted trinkets spread across the surface, and a candle. Which was the sole source of light in the room. — "Which was the sole source of light in the room" is a sentence fragment. In order to fix this, maybe phrase the sentence something like this: ...beside it was a table with assorted trinkets spread across the surface and a small candle, which served the purpose of being the sole source of light in the room.

         *Leaf2**Bullet*In the opposite corner Treasa sat in an old wooden rocker still and unmoving; beside a desk. — This seemed a bit awkward. Perhaps rephrase to make it look something like this: In the opposite corner, beside a desk, Treasa sat in an old wooden rocker, still and unmoving.

         *Leaf2**Bullet*Mary laid the sheets of paper one on top of another upon the desk, (she) sat the ink beside it, and unscrewed its top. — I think this sentence would flow better without the indicated "she". I also think that, if the word "its" were changed to "the" the sentence would work better.

         *Leaf2**Bullet*Séamus sat down the pen and glanced over at Aidan(,) who was throwing fresh logs onto the fire. — I think you could use a comma where indicated.

         *Leaf2**Bullet*“Sounds like everythin's in order then.” — Everythin's should be Everything's.

         *Leaf2**Bullet*They've taken enough(.)” Séamus said bitterly. — The indicated period should be a comma.

         *Leaf2**Bullet*“Has been their way for the last three-hundred years; the 'Act of Union' just made it legal. — I suggest putting "Acts of Union" in italics, as it is a reference to an actual event/document/book.

         *Leaf2**Bullet*they'll never have enough to satisfy their insatiable hunger(.)” Aidan said in disgust. — The indicated period should be a comma.

         *Leaf2**Bullet*“Getting along well. She’s found work in a factory not far from the farm. Only,” Mary hesitated. — Since Mary is hesitating, I think, instead of the indicated comma, it should be like this: Only..." Mary hesitated. It shows the hesitation more.

         *Leaf2**Bullet*“I don't know; it's been twelve days, I think(.)” Séamus replied. — The indicated period should be a comma.

         *Leaf2**Bullet*He handed Séamus an old single shot pistol along with six extra rounds(,) and a small amount of powder. — I don't think you need the indicated comma, but whatever works best for you.

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Review by DevonMarie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
         Hi, Richard T. Clark Author Icon!

         *Leaf4*Overall (-/+)

The thought plickens! Sorry; inside joke. Translated: The plot thickens! The story is getting better as I read on, and I can't wait to get to read chapter three. I should be able to jump on over quickly because my sister is sleeping.

Anyway, as for the story. I really like this chapter because it shows how your characters would act in such situations where they'd be forced to give up everything they know and love. The part of this chapter where Séamus began to burn the house made emotions run high; it really reinforced the pain that the two characters must have been feeling.

All in all, great work on this chapter! As before, I have several suggestions that I will list below.

         *Leaf4*Characterization

Yay! We get to see more development with Treasa. She's slowly developing, but we haven't seen much of her so far. We know she cares for her baby a lot, and the little line that said she'd knitted the baby a blanket while she was still pregnant showed that she was happy to be having a child. Séamus's character is growing more and more, and I really can't wait for more development.

         *Leaf2*Plot/Finishing the Plot(s)

The plot continues to get better and better! Once again, as this is only the second chapter of the story, I cannot comment on the finishing of the plot(s).

         *Leaf4*Dialogue/Spacing

The spacing was constant, and easy to read. I have one spacing suggestion, however.

         *Leaf2**Bullet*We will need to travel light and quick, don't pack anything we don’t absolutely need.” She nodded in acknowledgment. — After the quotation marks at the end of the sentence, you should probably put the words "She nodded in acknowledgment" on a new line, since you're speaking about a different person here than before.

As for the dialogue, there was a few places where you use commas where periods should have been, and periods where commas should have been. I'll list them all below in my suggestions portion of this review.

         *Leaf2*Spelling/Grammar/Suggestions
These are just my personal suggestions. If you do not agree with me, feel free to ignore me.


         *Leaf2**Bullet*Séamus lifted him up from the floor, taking note that while upset, he appeared relatively unscathed as Séamus wrapped him in the woolen blanket Treasa had knitted while she was pregnant. — I got mixed up a little with all the times "he" was used in this sentence. Perhaps, to make things a little more clear, you could say that "The baby appeared relatively unscathed as Séamus wrapped him in the..." Using the words "the baby" would help clear up any confusion as to who "he" was.

         *Leaf2**Bullet*Returning the cradle to its upright position he laid Connell within its' depths — I had a question about this one, as I wasn't sure if I needed to point it out or not. Why did you write its'? Should there be that extra apostrophe at the end of the word its? I'm not sure.

         *Leaf2**Bullet*He brushed her long(,) red hair gently from her face — I think you need a comma where indicated, as long and red are both describing her hair. I forget the exact wording of the grammar rule, but you're supposed to use commas in between words that describe something in a sentence.

         *Leaf2**Bullet*Taking a knife from the table(,) he cut the seams of the sack from top to bottom, — Again, I think you need a comma where indicated, but not because of descriptions. It just sounds better while reading through the story. Try reading it aloud with and without the comma, and go with what sounds best to you.

         *Leaf2**Bullet*Placing a hand on the man's shoulder, he noticed three golden stars denoting a captain, on the red coat stained partially carmine with blood. — This sentence appeared a little awkward; not too much, but enough to stop me while I as reading through. I thought it over for a second, and thought it best to point it out. Perhaps something like this: As he placed a hand on the man's shoulder, he noticed three golden stars denoting a captain on the red coat stained partially carmine with blood.

         *Leaf2**Bullet*Please lord, I ask you to have mercy upon his soul, as he was unable to repent for his last sin on this earth... Please guide me and keep safe my wife and son... In the name of the father, the son, and the holy ghost, Amen — In this sentence, I noticed that you didn't capitalize several words that should have been capitalized. I highlighted them all in bold. You should capitalize when talking about God. Words such as You, He, Lord, God, Father, The Son, Holy Ghost... since they all speak about God directly, should be capitalized.

         *Leaf2**Bullet*She sat bolt upright, “Connell(,)” she said urgently. — Comma needed where indicated.

         *Leaf2**Bullet*Her breathing finally eased(,) “We’ve got to tell the authorities, we’ll explain what happened, and-”
The indicated comma, which was already in the context of your story, should be a period.

         *Leaf2**Bullet*Treasa looked around their usually tidy home(,) items were strewn about everywhere, some shattered to pieces. — Personal opinion: I think that the above sentence should be reshaped a tiny bit to look like this: Treasa looked around their usually tidy home; items were strewn about everywhere, and some were even shattered to pieces.

         *Leaf2**Bullet*There was(,) however(,) enough to suit Séamus' purpose. — Commas needed where indicated.

         *Leaf2**Bullet*"I think we're ready(.)" she said. — The indicated period should be changed to a comma since the sentence she spoke was followed directly by a dialogue tag.

         *Leaf2**Bullet*"We can't go into town, to market, not now(.)" Treasa said. — Once again, the period should be changed to a comma.

         *Leaf2**Bullet*"I'm not sure if Aidan could afford to buy me out, but I don't see any alternatives(.)" Séamus replied. — The indicated period needs to be changed to a comma.

         *Leaf2**Bullet*"We wouldn't compromise them, would we?" She inquired. — Since "she inquired" is a dialogue tag, and is preceded by a spoken sentence, "she" does not need to be capitalized.

         *Leaf2**Bullet*The seconds became minutes, (and) the minutes stretched into hours. — The indicated word was one I stuck in there. I think the sentence would flow better if you added it, because otherwise, the sentence is a little awkward.

         *Leaf2**Bullet*Silhouetted against the numerous stars that doted the night sky, a two room cabin with smoke rafting from its chimney in the cool air. — This is a sentence fragment. It should be something like: Silhouetted against the numerous stars that doted the night sky was a two room cabin with smoke rafting from its chimney in the cool air. By simply changing a comma into the word "was" the sentence fragment becomes a complete sentence.

         *Leaf2**Bullet*A deep, coarse voice issued from within(.) "Announce yourself!" — A period is needed where indicated.

         *Leaf2**Bullet*"Séamus and Treasa Kelley(,)" he replied. — A comma is needed where indicated.

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Review by DevonMarie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
         Hi, Richard T. Clark Author Icon!

         *Leaf4*Overall (-/+)

This is AWESOME! I love the story so far, and I would read the next chapter right now if my sister didn't want on the computer. She's making me get up. But the story is really good! It's well described, and even in the first chapter, I have a good idea of what is going on and you didn't take chapters and chapters to get to the plot-line. (I've seen some people do this).

You're doing a wonderful job, and keep up the good work! I have several suggestions below, but those aside, I have nothing to complain about.

Write on!

         *Leaf4*Characterization

I didn't get to know any characters other than Séamus very well, but Connell sounds like a cute little child, and Séamus is proving to be very interesting. Looking forward to more development in the future!

         *Leaf2*Plot/Finishing the Plot(s)

The plot is awesome! You have me itching to read more! I like it a lot so far, and will most surely continue reading. I like the idea of how the story is pulling together from just this one chapter.

Since this is just the first chapter in what proves to be a good story, I cannot comment on the finishing of the plot(s).

         *Leaf4*Dialogue/Spacing

There was no dialogue in this chapter, so I cannot comment on it. The spacing was constant, and nothing was squished togehter, although I would suggest that you space your paragraphs out a little. I lost my place while reading at least ten times because of the length of the paragraphs.

         *Leaf2*Spelling/Grammar/Suggestions
These are just my personal suggestions. If you do not agree with me, feel free to ignore me.


         *Leaf2**Bullet*The rain had been falling in minuscule drops since just after dusk, and finally dissipated as dawn broke over the horizon(,) leaving the hills blanketed in a dense fog — I think you could use a comma where indicated, because it just sounds a little awkward without it. Try reading the sentence aloud to yourself without the comma in place(Not pausing for even a slight second while reading), and then again with the comma (Pausing for a second). Which sounds better to you? Go with it.

         *Leaf2**Bullet*The only sound disturbing the silence, a creek not far off crashing over stones, running its course — This sentence just came off as a little awkward. Perhaps make it say something like this in order to make it a complete sentence: The only sound disturbing the silence was a ceek not far off as it crashed over stones and ran its course.

         *Leaf2**Bullet*At the base of one of the grassy knolls stood a cabin covered in peat moss(,) protecting its inhabitants — Again, I suggest adding a comma where indicated. Once again, read it aloud to yourself, and go with what sounds best to you.

         *Leaf2**Bullet*The cabin was not any more lavish inside than out, although much warmer. — I had to stop and go over this sentence several times before I udnerstood what it meant, and even then, it still sounded a little awkward. Perhaps something like this instead: On the inside, the cabin was not any more lavish than on the outside, although it was much warmer. — The reason I suggest reshaping the whole sentence instead of just adding a word or two is because if you wrote something like this—The cabin was not any more lavish inside than out, but much warmer inside—it seems a little repetative by using the word "Inside" twice in such a small sentence.

         *Leaf2**Bullet*holding his wife and recalling the discussion they had the night before. — I sugges changing the word "they" to "they'd". Read it aloud to yourself and go with what sounds best.

         *Leaf2**Bullet*With all of the wonderful stories of (the)success of its inhabitants that appeared to flow continuously — I suggest adding the word "The" where indicated.

         *Leaf2**Bullet*Séamus climbed gingerly from bed careful to not wake his wife, and made his way over to the table, pulling out a chair and sitting down. — Once again, I would reshape the whole sentence so it doesn't sound as awkward. Here's an example of what you could do—Séamus climbed gingerly from bed, careful not to wake his wife, and made his way over to the table where he pulled out a chair and sat down. The reason I suggest editing the whole sentence is because, first off, you used the word "sitting" in a story that is supposed to be told past-tense, and "sitting" is present tense. Another reason I suggest editing it is because, to make the sentence flow right, you'd have to add another comma, and it would then become a run-on sentence.

         *Leaf2**Bullet*Maybe Treasa was right about life being easier in America he thought — Usually, thoughts are placed in italics, and if you don't want to do that, at least seperate "he thought" from what he was thinking with a comma, so as not to confuse readers. Like this: Maybe Treasa was right about life being easier in America, he thought.

         *Leaf2**Bullet*As Séamus began to wash his teeth with the cloth, he wondered if his son would ever have to make this kind of decision, he hoped Connell would make the right choice as he had. — I suggest changing the first indicated comma to a period. It seems like a run-on sentence otherwise, and if not a run-on sentence, it still sounds a little awkward. If you do change it to a period, consider adding a comma after the words "right choice".

         *Leaf2**Bullet*A light breeze began to blow(,) providing a relief to the still intensely saturated air. — I suggest adding a comma where indicated.

         *Leaf2**Bullet*In the past he had had problems with wolves taking sheep from the flock during — Maybe instead of "he had had", you could write "he'd had". He'd is a contraction of "he had".

         *Leaf2**Bullet*Opening the gate wide, Séamus began to herd the flock out in to the open, while gazing fondly at a set of twins only two days old bringing up the rear. — Once again, it sounds a little awkward, and I'd suggest reshaping the sentence to something like this: Opening the gate wide, Séamus began to heard the flock out into the open, all the while gazing fondly at the set of twins who were only two days old as they brought up the rear. — Also, you could describe what kind of twins. Sheep? Cows?

         *Leaf2**Bullet*Upon reaching the pasture Séamus set out to dispersing the flock, before taking a rest under a splendid old yew. Leaving plenty of time to contemplate and reflect, while keeping a watch over the herd. His thoughts wondered to and fro, not lingering on any one subject for very long, until Treasa again came to mind. — Once again, a run-on, awkward sentence. Perhaps soemthing like: Upon reaching the pasture, Séamus set out to dispersing the flock before taking a rest under a splended old yew, still leaving plenty of time to conremplate and reflect while keeping a watch over the heard. His thoughts wondered to and fro, not lingering on any one subjest for very long... until Treasa came to mind. Once again, these are only my personal suggestions, and you can very happily ignore me.

         *Leaf2**Bullet*Rousing them, and grouping them with the rest of the flock he began the drive back to the paddock. — I suggest moving the comma in this sentence so it rests after the word "flock", so the sentence would look like this: Roucing them and grouping them with the rest of the flock, he began to drive back to the padlock.

         *Leaf2**Bullet*It was slower work getting the flock back, now on a full stomach, but still manageable in good time for some one with a goal, Séamus’ goal, to fill his aching stomach. — This was a hard one. I was a little confused, because at first, you mentioned that it was slower work on a full stomach, but then mentioned that the character was hungry. Perhaps you meant that his mind was on a full stomach. If so, the sentence would look like this: It was slower work getting the flock back, his mind now on a full stomach, but still manageable in good time for someone with a goal to fill his aching stomach. It still sounds a tiny bit awkward, but the reader would understand it better.

         *Leaf2**Bullet*He was 100, 75, 50, now 20 yards from the cabin, — I find it best to always spell out numbers in writing; it doesn't disrupt the flow of the reader that way. So, instead of 100, 75, 50, and so on, which, by the way, is easier to write, you would say "one hundred, seventy-five, fifty..." and so on.

         *Leaf2**Bullet*The door to the cabin was standing wide open and sound of a struggle could now be heard from inside, as he reached the entrance at top speed, while time seemed to slow to a halt. — This seems like a run-on sentence. Perhaps something like this: The door to the cabin was standing wide open, and sound of a struggle could now be heard from inside. As he reached the entrance at top speed, time seemed to slow to a halt. Once more, read both aloud to yourself, and go with the one that sounds best to you.

         *Leaf2**Bullet*once, twice, 3 times, 5 times, — Once again, I find it best to always spell out numbers in writing.


Sorry for taking up so much of your time! Once again, these are personal suggestions, and I'm sorry if I offended you or anything; if you don't agree with me, tell me and I'll try not to bother you with the same things in the future.

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Review by DevonMarie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi, Muca Author Icon!

         *Leaf4*Overall

Thank you for entering my poetry contest, "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window. ! The contest will close on 6/6/07, and the winners announced shortly after. And Welcome to WDC!

Wow! At first, I wasn't too sure what the poem was about, but as I read on, and glanced back up at the short description, I began to realize what it was. And this is a truly amazing piece of work! Your words painted a picture for the reader, and I love the way it was put together. And although it seems like a free-verse poem, the flow was constant.

Write On!

         *Leaf2*Favorites

         *Leaf2**Bullet*When the moon fell
It left shattered stars in its wake. —
This was, by far, my favorite line. Although the flow of the poem didn't cut me off at any point, this line made me stop in the middle of reading. Awesome work!

         *Leaf2**Bullet*Then the sun rose
And the houses caught fire with the dawn. —
Oooh, pretty mental picture.

         *Leaf4*Spelling/Grammar/Suggestions
These are just my personal suggestions. If you do not agree with me, feel free to ignore me.


         *Leaf2**Bullet*I found nothing spelling/grammar wise that could be changed for the benefit of the poem.

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Review of Peephole  Open in new Window.
Review by DevonMarie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, qaz4 Author Icon!

         *Leaf4*Overall

Thank you for entering my poetry contest, "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window. ! The contest will close on 6/6/07, and the winners announced shortly after. And Welcome to WDC!

*Sighs happily* Awesome work on the poem! The rhyme and mood were constant, and except for one suggestion below, nothing broke the flow. (Haha, I rhymed)

Write On!

         *Leaf2*Favorites

         *Leaf2**Bullet*But when the stronghold's broken
and the spies have been and gone,
I can put my trust in one thing -
that together we are strong. —
I didn't want to copy and paste this whole part, but I couldn't comment on only part of the stanza and not the stanza as a whole. I love the end of the poem. I believe, because of the rest of the poem above and the genre "friendship", that your poem was based on friendship, and this last line just drives it home. "I can put my trust on one thing - that together we are strong" — I love that line; it's beautiful.

         *Leaf2**Bullet*The connection has been forged,
I no longer stand alone. —
*Sigh* I love the way your poetry is written; it would make any poet happy! *Huggles poem*

         *Leaf4*Spelling/Grammar/Suggestions
These are just my personal suggestions. If you do not agree with me, feel free to ignore me.


         *Leaf4**Bullet*But this castle has stood strong(,)
for over a thousand years.
— I think you need a comma where indicated, as you seem to have used constant periods and commas at the end of your sentences almost everywhere else. I might be mistaken, however, because if this was in story format, a comma would break up the flow of the story. I'm not sure; only take my suggestion if you think it would be for the best.

         *Leaf4**Bullet*This hole (ain’t) so safe and strong,
and on the other side I find
— I think that the indicated word above could be changed to "Isn't". Ain't isn't really a word, and I came to a screeching halt while reading the poem because of it. It's slang, and a lot of people use it, so I guess that it wouldn't really be against the rules of spelling and grammar, but it just bugs me. Lol. But the word "Ain't" really does sound awkward in the middle of such a beautiful poem. The rest of your words are descriptive and, well, not slang. Anyway, take my suggestion only if you feel you should.

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Review of Nature's Wisedom  Open in new Window.
Review by DevonMarie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi, Spazzy Author Icon!

         *Leaf4*Overall

Thank you for entering my poetry contest, "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window. ! The contest will close on 6/6/07, and the winners announced shortly after. And Welcome to WDC!

Ooh, such a pretty poem. *Smile* I like it; the descriptive words used really help to paint a vivid picture in the readers mind, and I think you did it very well. The color used for the font was also very pretty; it fit.

Write On!


         *Leaf2*Favorites

         *Leaf2**Bullet*In the sun like precious treasures,
And filled with beauty beyond measure. —
This is such a descriptive, beautiful line. It makes me happy. In the whole of the poem, this was, by far, my favorite line.

         *Leaf4*Spelling/Grammar/Suggestions
These are just my personal suggestions. If you do not agree with me, feel free to ignore me.

         *Leaf2**Bullet* — Your poems title: Nature's Wisedom
"Wisedom" should be "Wisdom". The noun form of "Wise" is spelled without an "e".

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Review by DevonMarie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, ShiShad Author Icon!

         *Check2*Overall

Thank you for entering my poetry contest, "Best of the BestOpen in new Window. [13+]! The contest will close on 5/6/07, and the winners announced shortly after.

Very cool poem. *Smile* I didn't understand it at first, but as I read on, I understood more and more, and soon, I began to like it a lot.

Write On!

         *Check2*Spelling/Grammar/Suggestions
These are just my personal suggestions. If you do not agree with me, feel free to ignore me.

         *Check2**Bullet* — I found nothing spelling/grammar wise that could be changed for the benefit of the poem.


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Review by DevonMarie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, Dennis Cardiff Author Icon!

         *Check2*Overall

Thank you for entering my poetry contest, "Best of the BestOpen in new Window. [13+]! The contest will close on 5/6/07, and the winners announced shortly after.

That was great! I really liked it; it was an adventure poem, and it made me grin. The WritingML used really brought out the best of the poem, and I enjoyed reading it.

Write On!

         *Check2*Spelling/Grammar/Suggestions
These are just my personal suggestions. If you do not agree with me, feel free to ignore me.

         *Check2**Bullet* — I found nothing spelling/grammar wise that could be changed for the benefit of the poem.


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Review of To Learn to Fly  Open in new Window.
Review by DevonMarie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, BD Mitchell Author Icon!

         *Check2*Overall

Thank you for entering my poetry contest, "Best of the BestOpen in new Window. [13+]! The contest will close on 5/6/07, and the winners announced shortly after.

Such a pretty poem! I love poems about flying, as it has always been a childhood dream of mine to fly, although I doubt I ever will, airplanes excluded. *Smile*

Anyway, awesome job, and thanks for entering!

Write On!

         *Check2*Spelling/Grammar/Suggestions
These are just my personal suggestions. If you do not agree with me, feel free to ignore me.

         *Check2**Bullet* — I found nothing spelling/grammar wise that could be changed for the benefit of the poem.


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Review of NAGGING PAIN  Open in new Window.
Review by DevonMarie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi, Dr M C Gupta Author Icon!

{indent*Check2*Overall

Thank you for entering my poetry contest, "Best of the BestOpen in new Window. [13+]! The contest will close on 5/6/07, and the winners announced shortly after.

Oh, how pretty! And, even though I found it pretty, it was very emotional, too. The words really cut through the reader, and I felt the emotion as I read this. Good job!

Write On!

         *Check2*Spelling/Grammar/Suggestions
These are just my personal suggestions. If you do not agree with me, feel free to ignore me.

         *Check2**Bullet* — I found nothing spelling/grammar wise that could be changed for the benefit of the poem.


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Review by DevonMarie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi, Connor Delaney Author Icon!

{indent*Check2*Overall

Thank you for entering my poetry contest, "Best of the BestOpen in new Window. [13+]! The contest will close on 5/6/07, and the winners announced shortly after.

The poem was really good. *Smile* The flow was constant, as was the rhyme. And I really like the words that you used to stick the whole thing together.

Write On!

         *Check2*Spelling/Grammar/Suggestions
These are just my personal suggestions. If you do not agree with me, feel free to ignore me.

         *Check2**Bullet* — I found nothing spelling/grammar wise that could be changed for the benefit of the poem.


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Review of Worlds apart  Open in new Window.
Review by DevonMarie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, Humming Bird Author Icon!

{indent*Check2*Overall

Thank you for entering my poetry contest, "Best of the BestOpen in new Window. [13+]! The contest will close on 5/6/07, and the winners announced shortly after.

Wonderful poem. *Smile* Very touching and sad; you really did a wonderful job. My sister used to live really far away from us, but I didn't know her all that well, so it wasn't too bad. But she came and lives close by now, so if she left again, I know I would be very sad.

Thanks for entering my contest, and I really like your poem!

Write On!

         *Check2*Spelling/Grammar/Suggestions
These are just my personal suggestions. If you do not agree with me, feel free to ignore me.

         *Check2**Bullet* — I found nothing spelling/grammar wise that could be changed for the benefit of the poem.


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Review of LAVENDER SHORE  Open in new Window.
Review by DevonMarie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi, jc_hall Author Icon!

{indent*Check2*Overall

Thank you for entering my poetry contest, "Best of the BestOpen in new Window. [13+]! The contest will close on 5/6/07, and the winners announced shortly after.

Wow! Very beautiful poem! *Huggles it* Sorry, I'm random because it is very late. I have no suggestions, as I could find nothing wrong with your entry; it's perfect. These were my favorite lines:

To reach this rumoured land of gardens,
One needs to board a little ramshackle boat,
For Courage is needed for the task undertaken
And one steers by the stars for the Lavender Coast.
Fear not the squalls nor by tempests be shaken;
Be guided by the star that goes by the name of Hope.


Wonderul job, and Write On!

         *Check2*Spelling/Grammar/Suggestions
These are just my personal suggestions. If you do not agree with me, feel free to ignore me.

         *Check2**Bullet* — I found nothing spelling/grammar wise that could be changed for the benefit of the poem.


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Review of My Love and I  Open in new Window.
Review by DevonMarie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, kidsmom50 Author Icon!

*Check2*Overall

Hello and welcome to WDC! *Smile* I was poking through your portfolio and happened to come upon your poem, My Love and I. I really like it! The rhyme and flow were perfect, and the poem itself was very sweet.

I have a question, and a couple of suggestions, however. Question first, I guess: Why is the poem rated 18+? I didn't notice it when I dropped in, but I did just a bit ago, and I honestly couldn't figure it out.

Suggestions... *Down*

I am floating around like a feather.
©Caroline Kay Holt


I think you need a space between the two lines, because at first, I thought that the copywright was part of the poem. *Smile*

At the top of the poem, I'm guessing you were trying to use WritingML, and must have made a small typo; you wrote {c"purple} where it should have been {c:purple}

Anyway, awesome poem and welcome to WDC!

Write On!

*Check2*Spelling/Grammar/Suggestions
These are just my personal suggestions. If you do not agree with me, feel free to ignore me.

*Check2**Bullet*When I was young I fell in love and it did not last(.)Hadto put it into words — This is your short desctiption. You need a space after the indicated period, and a space after the word "had".


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Review by DevonMarie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, youngwriter Author Icon!

*Leaf2*Overall

This was a really cute poem! It flowed well, and it really drew me in. I really like it! I do, however, have a few suggestions that I'd like to list here instead of below in my suggestions list.

about the sun the stars the sky, about the pure white snow? *Down*

This line was so beautiful, and I smiled when I read it. However, although it seems like it would look weird, I suggest putting commas where indicated below. While I was reading, it didn't jump out at me at first, but going over it again, I realize that you need commas there, but this is only a suggestion. Below, in the line copied from your poem, I suggest adding the word "And" where indicated.

about the sun(,) the stars(,) the sky, (and) about the pure white snow?

I also suggest splitting up the lines. Although it would make the poem seem longer, it would seem more natural; short lines and long lines together can turn people away from a poem. Again, this is just a suggestion, and if you disagree with me even in the slightest, ignore me.

about the sun the stars the sky,
about the pure white snow?
Why the birds where made to fly,
and the flowers made to grow?
I wonder why, I wonder why?

(Also, split up the lines, like indicated above, in the other two stanzas, not just this one.)

The last stanza in the poem seemed a little forced, and I read it through a few times trying to get the feel of it. I have one last suggestion, and that would be to make your short description more interesting. "Just a poem" is fine, but when people scroll down the pages of poetry, looking for something to read, a short description with more telling about the poem might be better in the long run.

All in all, really cool poem, and again, ignore me if you don't agree with me. Awesome job, welcome to WDC, and have a wonderful time here!

Write On!

*Leaf4*Spelling/Grammar/Suggestions
These are just my personal suggestions. If you do not agree with me, feel free to ignore me.


*Leaf2**Bullet*How come i want to know, — "i" needs to be capitalized. I was never sure why, but my sis said it's proper grammar, so... *Smile*

*Leaf2**Bullet*how come i need to strain, — Once again, "i" needs to be capitalized.

*Leaf2*Please check out:*Leaf2*
 Invalid Item Open in new Window.
This item number is not valid.
#1256497 by Not Available.
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Review of A array of poems  Open in new Window.
Review by DevonMarie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi, Make me suffer for others Author Icon!

*Check2*Overall

These are all wonderful poems, but I have to point out that the content rating should probably be ASR. There are a few things in here that you might not want a small child reading. Wonderful work on the poems.

Write On!

*Check2*Spelling/Grammar/Suggestions
These are just my personal suggestions. If you do not agree with me, feel free to ignore me.

*Check2**Bullet* — I found nothing spelling/grammar wise that could be changed for the benefit of the poems.


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Review of Death's Claim  Open in new Window.
Review by DevonMarie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi, Ray Hawkins Author Icon!

*Check2*Overall

Thank you for entering my poetry contest, "Best of the BestOpen in new Window. [13+]!

This sent a shiver through me, but it was written so well! Even though it gives a person a whole new view ont he subject, it still makes the reader, pr at least me, get to the review box with a shiver of the shoulders and their eyes a little wide.

Awesome job with the rhyme and the flow, and I'm still a little weirded out, as I live in the middle of nowhere, it's night, and there are weird sounds outside. Lol. Anyway...

Write On!

*Check2*Spelling/Grammar/Suggestions
These are just my personal suggestions. If you do not agree with me, feel free to ignore me.

*Check2**Bullet* — I found nothing spelling/grammar wise that could be changed for the benefit of the poem.


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Review of London - Summer  Open in new Window.
Review by DevonMarie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, JPhippen Author Icon!

*Check2*Overall

Thank you for entering my poetry contest, "Best of the BestOpen in new Window. [13+]!

I have never been to London before, but this is a very descriptive poem that gives the reader some thoughts on the city that it is being written about. It seems to be free-verse, so I can't make any comments aboutt he rhyme. The flow was constant, and I went through the whole poem without having to stop.

Good luck in Best of the Best!

Write On!

*Check2*Spelling/Grammar/Suggestions
These are just my personal suggestions. If you do not agree with me, feel free to ignore me.

*Check2**Bullet* — I found nothing spelling/grammar wise that could be changed for the benefit of the poem.


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Review of Shadow  Open in new Window.
Review by DevonMarie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi, Shellyblueeyes Author Icon!

*Check2*Overall

Thank you for entering my poetry contest, "Best of the BestOpen in new Window. [13+]!

This poem was really emotional, but well written. When I read the short description, I didn't know what to think about the poem, but it turns out that, like few others, it touches the readers heart.

Write On!

*Check2*Spelling/Grammar/Suggestions
These are just my personal suggestions. If you do not agree with me, feel free to ignore me.

*Check2**Bullet* — I found nothing spelling/grammar wise that could be changed for the benefit of the poem.


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Review by DevonMarie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, Elpzy Author Icon!

*Check5*Overall

I noticed that this is of the Children's genre. That, and a typo that I will not below, are the only things I'd like to mention. If this is indeed for children, I think you need to change some of the words; I myself had trouble with one or two words. In children's stories, and I find I have trouble with this, too, you have to be careful what words you use, because small children will not understand that the larger ones mean.

Here is an example:

—It is delectable!—

The word 'delectable' would be pretty hard for a small child to understand. For any kids over ten or so, and this story seems it's for a younger group of children, it would be fine. But words like this, I think need to be changed to more simple words. The word "Yummy" means the same thing, and it is a word that small children would understand.

The last thing I wanted to mention was that large, blank spot at the bottom. I think you could edit this item and take it out.

Anyway, this was really cute!

Write On!

*Check5*Spelling/Grammar/Suggestions
These are just my personal suggestions. If you do not agree with me, feel free to ignore me.

*Check5**Bullet*could not understand why I had no trusted myself to sample the dish earlier — I think that is supposed to be 'not'.

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Review of If I  Open in new Window.
Review by DevonMarie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi, Peter Parker Author Icon!

*Snow2*Overall*Snow2*

This is a very touching poem. I think it has a lot of emotion in the simple sentences and that you did a very awesome job with it.

*Snow2*Flow/Rhyme*Snow2*

The flow was very beautiful and it seems to be free-verse, so I cannot comment on the rhyme.

*Snow2*Spelling/Grammar/Suggestions*Snow2*
These are just my suggestions. You have every right to ignore me, or yell at me, or anything else you feel like doing.

*Snow2**Bullet* — I found nothing spelling/grammar wise that could be changed for the benefit of the poem.

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Review of Stealing My Brain  Open in new Window.
Review by DevonMarie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi, Tom Author Icon!

*Snow2*Overall*Snow2*

Wow! This is a really powerful poem. I have never had my work stolen, but every time I post something new, I am worried that someone might take it and use it under their name. It frightens me because I have just gotten a letter from Poetry.com that I am having my first poem published.

I love how this poem is put together. At first glance it seemed like the kind of poem that I usually don't read, but I found myself captured. To be truthful, it was the poem name that drew me in. *Smile*

*Snow2*Flow/Rhyme*Snow2*

The flow was almost perfect and the rhyme was constant.

*Snow2*Spelling/Grammar/Suggestions*Snow2*
These are just my suggestions. You have every right to ignore me, or yell at me, or anything else you feel like doing.

*Snow2**Bullet* — I found nothing spelling/grammar wise that could be changed for the benefit of the poem.

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