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1
1
Review by Pia Veleno Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Initial Impression:

*Reading*An incomplete story (first chapters) of vampires.

Characters:

*Reading*Several characters are introduced. Some pop off the page, like Delphine, with her child-like manner that hints at something darker. Other characters need a little more definition, like Nathan, the head of security on the ship.

Plot/Storyline:

We get the impression that Cairo was on this ship to retrieve the stranded Danae from the Arctic Ocean. While there is conflict - Danae and Cairo fight during her "rescue", Delphine attacks a young boy through a wall, and other such things, the story seems to move slowly.

Structure/Grammar:

*Star*Check your punctuation for dialogue - if joined with a dialogue tag, there should be a comma before the close-quote - be cautious and sparce with words other than "said", sometimes too many can be distracting - A change in speaker should be a new paragraph too.

*Star*You have some very nice descriptions. I think they can become more powerful through two steps. 1)Try use definite words - avoid 'perhaps', 'maybe', 'almost', and similar words. Be confident in the description and it will come through stronger. 2)Try to avoid words ending in -ly. Adverbs tell a scene, emotion, etc, but replacing adverbs with active verbs and descriptions can bring the reader into the story to experience it.

Summary:

Your story idea is solid so far. Clean up words used repetitively, like 'was' and 'atop', and tighten up your presentation of dialogue, and this story will flow nicely.

Keep writing!
~Pia

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2
2
Review of Nine Out of Ten  Open in new Window.
Review by Pia Veleno Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
I found this story on "Please ReviewOpen in new Window. [E].

Initial Impression:

I liked the small town crime idea, and especially the intro with the sirens wailing as if to foretell the trouble we are about to see.

Comments/Suggestions:

One suggestion I have is to check your formatting. Presentation means a lot. Currently the paragraphs run together. Consider double spacing between paragraphs, or adding indents by typing {indent} at the beginning of each paragraph.

My second suggestion is to take this great story to the next level by tightening up on phrases such as 'he heard' or 'he looked'. Most of the time, you can just describe the setting he sees or the sounds he hears and without the 'he heard' or 'he looked' the reader hears and sees and thus is drawn deeper into the story.

Summary:

This is a good story. I enjoyed the path you took, following these criminals from meeting up, through their crime, until they part ways at the end. I enjoyed the ending - coldly leaving behind his partner, yet finding some compassion for the near-starved dog. Very interesting, and could be used as a jumping off point for a more in-depth look at the life of Nate.

Write On!
Pia Veleno


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3
3
Review of The First Year  Open in new Window.
Review by Pia Veleno Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Initial Impression:

Found on "Please ReviewOpen in new Window. [E] ~ A story of friends and relationships in a college setting.

Characters:

*Reading*Grace: The main character. The story revolves around her. We should know more of her - physical description, for example. She has some interesting problems, but make her more detailed to draw your reader into those issues.

*Reading*Kyle: Grace is uncomfortable around Kyle, but it takes several pages for us to learn why. That alone, is good suspense, but built up the curiosity, by allowing some emotion to show through. For example, when she walks on the grass instead of right beside him, what is she feeling? Angry? Disappointed? Afraid? Revulsed?

*Reading*Faith: A friend only appearing online. So far, she has added nothing to the story. Unless she has a specific part to play down the road you may wish to consider removing this character.

*Reading*Jack: Grace's newest friend. I feel I know Jack the best because we see how outgoing and friendly he is through his actions. He makes Grace laugh and she doesn't mind spending time with him on their projects.

Plot/Storyline:

*Cut*I am not certain of a specific goal in this story. It is about friendships, I believe. This is where I suggest you tighten up your ideas and focus on what kind of plot or message you want to deliver.

In approximately six pages, Grace goes to classes a couple of times, sleeps, IMs, emails... many of these things are mundane. Be careful using them, because they can slow down the story. For such things, use them only to progress the story. For example, the IM conversation between Grace and Faith does not add anything to character development or hint at a plot developing. If you want to keep Faith as an intregal part of the story, try adding something like a quick comment from Grace about seeing Kyle again and still feeling queasy... or something similar that would bring her into the plot.

Structure/Grammar:

*Cut*Check your dialogue tags. There were several places where dialogue was missing a comma before the close quote symbol.

*Cut*No spelling or grammar errors. Good paragraph lengths.

Summary:

My first, biggest suggestion is to work on "Show, Don't Tell". I can see you have an idea to weave together a set of friends. But, this reads more like a summary or loose outline. Now, take what you have here and instead of telling what happened, show it with active verbs and in-depth descriptions. Avoid words like was, began, looked, very, got. Instead use words that demonstrate, or show action.

Here is an example of the opening paragraph with more active words/descriptions -

The first day of class brought excitement and dread. A whole year of studying stretched out before her, but also a year of friends and fun. Grace slid into a desk by the window and smiled at the tree beyond. The leaves started already changing with the cooler than usual nights. The teacher dragged her from her daydream with a quick introduction before launching into the first assignment.

"Oh great," Grace thought. "I can't stand working with a stranger."


"stretched", "slid", "launching" all bring a little livliness while the same thing happened. Adding a comment about the weather, or even adding something about the teacher or Grace herself would also help set the scene. Show the story happening to make the reader feel she is there within the story.

*Star*Conflict among friends, especially when love/lust is involved does make interesting stories. You have several characters here, and you clearly have an intent for them to become more intertwine. Run with that, but do it by diving deeper into your story and into the minds of your characters. You have a good start here. Keep writing!

~Pia Veleno

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4
4
Review by Pia Veleno Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This is a great start to what I hope will be a wonderful story. There is good character development in Kimberly, especially through the flashback of her kidnapping. I'd like to see more development of Darius, unless he's not going to be a major character in the story.

There are only a couple of minor spelling errors. Check your dialogue tags though. There was one or two places that had a capitalized tag instead of a comma and lower case tag.

I'm curious to read more when you have it ready.

Write On!
~Pia

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5
5
Review of Reunion  Open in new Window.
Review by Pia Veleno Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Initial Impression:

*Star*Another enjoyable chapter about Gabriel and Lilith.

What I like:

*Star*We meet Lucifer. He is an engaging, interesting character.

What I didn't like:

*Star*Lilith takes a back seat in this chapter so Gabriel can meet the fallen angel. I like her and I see that there are no further chapters in your port. *Frown*

Structure/Grammar:

~ When L brushed her hair... "pulled a brush off of the nightstand."

~ When he noticed the sun in Hell - "When her words sunk in..."

~ In paragraph starting, "Lucifer interrupted sounding a little angry..." *Right* "...on that planet they're slowly destroying..."

~ Capitalize Earth throughout

~ Semi colon should only be used to join two phrases that could stand alone as complete sentences.

~ If you use a dialogue tag, use a comma to attach it to the dialogue and do not capitalize the tag... For example, "This is just a suggestion," she said.

Comments/Suggestions:

*Star*This is a captivating storyline. I can get sucked right in to the three dimensional characters. I enjoy the use of Hell, Lilith and her little known history, and the fallen angels.

*Star*Take your writing to the next level by looking to avoid the -ly words. By avoiding those as much as possible, you will find yourself 'showing' more of the story.

Summary:

I really want to read more of this story. I'm sad to see you haven't added chapter three... or anything to your port in a while. I think you have talent as a writer/storyteller.

Write On!
~Pia

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6
6
Review by Pia Veleno Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Initial Impression:

I wonder what the contest prompt was... for unusual prompts, including it at the top of the story let's the reader know what you were required to provide within the story.

What I like:

*Star*Definitely unique! I have not seen another story based on the ice cream's point of view.

What I didn't like:

*Cut*While the story idea was unique, the story did not grab me. I think this was because it did not move along. Many of the descriptions were passive and not engaging. What I mean by "engaging" is I prefer to be "in" the story, instead of watching from the outside... draw me in and make me care what happens to that ice cream.

Verbs like wondered, watched, and looked tell what is happening, but don't engage the reader. Verbs like scooped and grabbed work better.

Structure/Grammar:

*Cut*In dialogue, a change in speaker should be given a new paragraph.

*Star*Focus on word choice. Your word choices weren't incorrect, but by focuing on more engaging, active words you can bring your writing to the next level. *Smile*

Summary:

I'm guessing this was a difficult prompt - one that encouraged the POV used. While the ice cream itself can't dance a jig, it can entertain. *Pthb* If you do any editing, and would like me to re-review, please feel free to drop me a note.

Unique stories are a key to getting/keeping readers. Even the best writers aren't going to keep selling books if they write what has been done over and over before. So work with this. It is definitely unique. *Delight*

Keep writing!

Pia Veleno

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7
7
Review by Pia Veleno Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Initial Impressions

Cute children's story about the tooth fairy and her small goof up.

Compliments

*Star*"How could little Sammy sleep with such wonderfully delightful scents filling every corner of the house?"

Oh how I know that scent! Mmm...

*Star*Ending line - it made me smile. *Delight*

Suggestions

*Cut*Sentence starting, "The wisps of the popcorn..." I suggest adjusting punctuation as follows - ...square in the face like, well, a bag of popcorn...

*Cut*The sentence starting, "With the skill that thousands of..." feels awkward. Perhaps try something like this - With the skill borne from thousands of tooth recoveries, she removed the tooth.

Summary

Adorable children's story. Thanks for sharing it.

Write On!

~Pia

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8
8
Review by Pia Veleno Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Initial Impressions

I'm still giggling at a vampire wiping down the neck of his victim. *Laugh*

Overall a unique story idea with an intriguing main character. He's far from perfect, and yet endearing in his flaws. Now, he has a little Goth friend who is determined to cure him from his "belief" that his is a vampire!

The storyline is progressing nicely. There were a couple of spelling errors and punctuation errors (usually with dialogue), but they were minimal.

I would like to see you work on your wording to "Show" more of the scene. Try to avoid words like "was" and "were", in favor of more descriptive words.

Suggestions

*Cut*In describing Charles' childhood trama - "He was getting clean and he never had felt better in his life."

This is an akward sentence. How about something like this - He woke to his aunt wiping dirt from his forehead with a warm washcloth. Free of grime, cobwebs, and the spider, he never felt cleaner in his life.

*Cut*At the end of the same chapter, "He finished watchign TV and went to bed."

'He finished' feels akward here. How about, After another hour of TV, he felt drawn to sleep and retired to his sunlight-free bedroom.

*Cut*In chapter 6 dialogue - "So what you're saying is you think..." I wasn't sure until a couple of lines down who started talking again. A quick "Ms Anderson said" would clarify that.

Compliments

*Star*Loved how he ran to the kitchen to test the garlic myth, and to the bedroom to test the myth about crosses.

*Star*"Who knew, may be they kept some O positive in the back for the weird ones."

*Laugh*Nice line! I would adjust it slightly to - Who knew? Maybe they kept...

By the Blood,
Pia Veleno, Vampire


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9
9
Review by Pia Veleno Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Beautiful Nikola! Only a woman could think of such a subtly vindictive story. *Smirk*

What sweet justice for the item she asked him for to be the item conveying his punishment. Well done!!

Ciao,
Pia

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10
10
Review by Pia Veleno Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Initial Impression:

*Star*Ghost stories are great for the supernatural fear, but be careful not to fall into stereotypical plot twists.

Characters:

*Star*One young man, walking alone as a storm brews. He seems lost already in his actions and in the description of him... foreshadowing what is to come?

Plot/Storyline:

*Star*The abandon carnival in the middle of no where is cool. Haunted with bats and rats, and decorated in cobwebs, it is a spooky place all on its own. The clown that is not funny but scary is often overdone, you may wish to put in something else to push the boy over the edge.

Structure/Grammar:

*Star*There were a couple of spacing problems, but I don't consider that an issue. It is more likely from formatting issues while copying it to the website.

*Star*Be bold in your prose. Words like "seemed" make you, as the author sound unsure of your story. Use decisive words, even to show uncertainty the characters may feel.

For example, "He stood there, enthralled by the grand park that had just seemed to appear."

Try something like this - He just stood there, enthralled. Where there had been no more than a clearing of long, yellowed grass, now stood a grand amusement park, complete with a rusted ferris wheel...

*Star*Along similar lines, try to chose active words in order to show, not tell. This is something that is more difficult to a lot of us, and I find myself forgetting my own advice here. *Blush*

For example, "Inexplicably, he was drawn to it. It was captivating, mesmerizing. He forgot about the horrors above and around..."

Try how this sounds, Drawn forward by unseen forces, he resumed walking. Captivating, mesmerizing... he could not pry his eyes from the large, laughing clown face above him. Hail and bats forgotten, he focused on the silent carnival.

Summary:

You have a good start within the horror genre. Read a lot. Write a lot. Don't be afraid to rewrite too. Describe everything. Don't just tell your readers the story - show them as it unfolds.


Write On!

Ciao,
Pia Veleno


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11
11
Review by Pia Veleno Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Finally, a rhyming poem that I like! *Laugh*

Last time I put the romance genre on a not-lovey-dovey piece, I got a bit of negative feedback on it... but this is indeed part of romance and part of the ongoing ritual we call love. *Laugh*

This one is going in my favorites!

~Pia

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12
12
Review of Tangled Webs  Open in new Window.
Review by Pia Veleno Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Initial Impression:

*Sick*Horrifying and grusome!

What I like:

*Star*The overall story line. The villian getting a taste of his own medicine.

What I didn't like:

*Cut*I don't really know why he wanted to kill his wife. Is just being tired of her enough to plot such a murder? Perhaps a little more development of that angle would make me sympathize with the doctor (at first).

Structure/Grammar:

*Cut*Be wary of "was"... Was tells, but if we show through description and action, we can draw the reader into the world instead of just watching from a distance.

For example, in the entry for 5/22 you used "was" five times and "were" twice! What if you replaced some of those with active words?

June's sudden illness stumped the ER doctors. They knew her condition was serious, perhaps fatal, but they could not determine the cause. Even as her symptoms worsened, they ordered her admitted to the ICU for continual supervision. Hydrated and medicated heavily, she continued to deteriorate. When she could no longer breathe on her own, a specialist was summoned and everyone prayed as the doctors stood by helplessly watching her die.

I took some creative liberties to play with the wording, and this is just a suggestion, so take it or leave it as you wish. *Smile*

Comments/Suggestions:

*Star* I like the disease named after him. He doesn't deserve even that much fame. I'm glad he "got it" in the end!

Ciao,
Pia Veleno


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13
13
Review of Roleplaying Games  Open in new Window.
Review by Pia Veleno Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
I figured in a creative community such as this, we'd see more people who RP'd. Ah well... I'll have to check back in a month or two to see if the tides changed.

How about LARPing? Ever do that?

Ciao,
~Pia Veleno

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14
14
Review by Pia Veleno Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Absolutely adorable, Vivian! I have no suggestions.
Playful and sweet. I simply enjoyed it. *Delight*

Thanks for sharing this!

~Pia

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15
15
Review of Love/Hate  Open in new Window.
Review by Pia Veleno Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (1.0)
I think I like the purposely bad poetry better than the stuff people labor over for the sake of beautiful prose. Is that wrong of me? I enjoyed this because it is a mockery of a "great" love affair, that, while I love Shakespeare, I never understood how something so corny could be believable. *Laugh*

Thanks for sharing your work.

Write On!

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16
16
Review by Pia Veleno Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I saw your post for this story in "Troublesome MusingsOpen in new Window. [18+]

Oh Hopkin! That was demented, disgusting, and terrifying! I LOVED it!

You are truly going to give me nightmares tonight. *shudder* My iron is sitting on my dresser, and it is getting moved to the closet before bedtime!

Creepy! Creepy! Creepy!

Keep up the great work *Smile*

Write On!
~Pia


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17
17
Review of Juliet Aurora  Open in new Window.
Review by Pia Veleno Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is an amazing story. Mandik, your writing pulled me in until I could see her dark eyes and feel her warm fur. You love for this dear creature comes through in your writing.

You are the first to make me cry here. Not just a single tear, but I had to step away from the computer for a moment before writing this. I'm glad you found such a dear soul and that she was able to help you and your family through a rough time. Dogs truly are angels on earth.

*Cry*Pia

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18
18
Review by Pia Veleno Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Well done! It brought a tear to my eye. What more can I say?

Write On!
~Pia

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19
19
Review by Pia Veleno Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Initial Impression:

*Star*First love and first lost love

What I like:

*Star*Starting it with "Will you go out with me?" Yet it is truly about breaking up.

*Star*"Or perhaps that's just a dream..." I think this line says what you're not ready to admit - that it is really over. It is a good ending line.

What I didn't like:

*Cut*"He was the one I just knew it..." We have all felt that way at one point or another. It is most prevelant at your age, but even us old folk want what we cannot have.

*Cut*Punctuation needs to be cleaned up.

Structure/Grammar:

*Cut* Double space after a period. Single space after a closed quotation if followed with a dialogue tag.

*Cut* Check usage of punctuation throughout. For example, in the last paragraph - "He was the one (semi-colon) I just knew it (period) Some day he will know it too (period) He'll return to me (comma) begging me to take him back (comma) and I'll say "yes"...

Comments/Suggestions:

*Star* Reconsider your second to last paragraph. It could be tightened up a little bit, or perhaps broken into a couple smaller paragraphs to separate the ideas.

Summary:

The emotion, the feel, the pain... it is all there. But clean up your punctuation and paragraph formations. Also consider going a bit more in depth with the descriptions of the emotion. Instead of "I cried for hours and I still cry a lot." Try I cried for hours. I still hear those fateful words in my thoughts and they bring tears to my eyes.

Write On!
~Pia

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20
20
Review of Big Eddie  Open in new Window.
Review by Pia Veleno Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
A great introduction of Eddie, but not Woody. You're intro mentions introducing the characters, so you may wish to add more about Woody to truly introduce him.

Woody - scared,

Eddie - works for someone; not a smoker, but trying; potentially allergic to smoking, or other medical issues (due to dramatic reaction to cig); dresses nice; big man, intimidating size.

See the difference? You can introduce Woody through behavior while watching Eddie. Nervously shifting weight from foot to foot; eyes widening afraid and hopeful that Eddie might pass out; flinching at loud cough...

Your writing is good and I saw no spelling or grammar errors.

Write On!

~Pia

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21
21
Review by Pia Veleno Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Star* I didn't know that about Google/googol!

*Star*A wonderful article! I read this to review, thinking I knew how to use a search engine. Well, I played along using my own terms to search. It is so much easier to find pictures of my dear Johnny Depp using that
"Images" link that I never seem to have noticed before now.

*Star*This is a well written article and well presented too, using WritingML for color, bolding, and underlining.

Great Job! Write On!

~Pia

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22
22
Review by Pia Veleno Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Laugh*

That was wonderful! I was thinking, hmm... ok, another bite, ok... Then OMG! You got me! LOL

Thanks for sharing *Delight*

Write On!

~Pia

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23
23
Review of The Room  Open in new Window.
Review by Pia Veleno Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Good building of suspense.

Write On!

~Pia

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24
24
Review of Playing House  Open in new Window.
Review by Pia Veleno Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Initial Impression:

The title said it but I didn't suspect the ending until he took out his money. Nicely presented.

Characters:

His nervousness. Her boredom. Both characters are unique.

Plot/Storyline:

Interesting scene. Could be made into a fuller story about this fellow.

Structure/Grammar:

Check you punctuation with dialogue. Anthing with a dialogue tag should be joined to it with a comma, not a period.

Summary:

Try to keep away from adverbs the -ly can be tough on a story. Describe it - show, don't tell - and adverbs tend to fall in the telling category too often.

For example, began fidgeting with his shirt nervously

Nervously, is unnecessary. His fidgeting shows his nervousness. So does, "restless fingers" a little beyond that.

She shook her head glumly and tried to pass off a painfully insincere smile.
Try -
She shook her head much the same way a disappointed mother would do. The corners of her lips cracked into wrinkles under the stress of her insincere smile.

That's just an example, take it or leave it. *Smile*

The story is a good one, though sad. You may wish to take advantage of the genre listings so that when readers do searches, your story will pop up.


Write On!

Ciao,
Pia Veleno


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25
25
Review by Pia Veleno Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Absolutely lovely!

You truly captured the beauty of that ancient city. And the quips of the 'wild woman' stuck in workshops broke up the story nicely.

Well done *Smile*

Write On!

Ciao,
Pia
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