Reading this brought me to a new world as I have never been to a scifi convention. I'm glad at conventions you learned to get over your shyness even if it took a costume at first.
This makes me want to visit a convention, I would get to see famous writers and people dressed up in costumes of all colors, shapes, and sizes.
One bit of confusion: "Ted pulled over to get out of his shirt." & "Ted stripped out of his soaking wet shirt as he walked around the car, inspecting the wheels."
It doesn't say anywhere that Ted put his shirt back on but that is what the reader has to assume. I was confused because I thought Ted kept his shirt off.
Highlight: I like Ellen's attitude at the end where she just shuts Ted out and does her own thing. After all, Ted didn't listen to her in the first place.
The way you built up the tension in this flash fiction was very good, I was on the edge of my seat. I do have to say the fear I felt completely left me at the last two sentences. It's probably because I'm affected by psychological horror and none other.
Some suggestions:
"Screak screak" I think a period between the two words would do.
Again, the best part was the building of tension to the final moment when the reader finds out what is wrong.
Cute. My heart was touched with this tender story.
Things you could improve:
With all the houses on the block waiting for the army mail truck one gets a vivid picture. Although the imagery is good I feel that it's an over-exaggeration. Just my opinion.
Problems:
"Though he thought about laying across them a couple times after his mom up and left him three years before when he was 12 years-old; for then the weekly beatings from his father began."
This sentence is confusing. I would fix it this way: "Though he thought about laying across them a couple times after his mom up and left him when he was twelve years-old; three years ago. For then the weekly beatings from his father began."
Thing I liked:
The message behind this is short story is a positive one. The way you told it put a smile on my face.
This poem never tells the reader why Buck's mind is filled with yucky things. It only highlights on the good aspects of him.
Things I enjoyed:
The rhyme schem was pleasant and your word choice is excellent.
This poem moves along at a nice pace. It also gives the reader a good understanding of Buck.
"Mr Ferguson" should be "Mr. Ferguson" Pretty self explanatory.
Neutral areas:
Nothing.
Things I really liked:
So much imagery in this flash fiction. I'll point out my favorite ones.
"tower of Xbox games"
"pyramid of empty beer cans"
"kicking a path through the wasteland of curry tins, pizza boxes and polystyrene burger boxes that the floor had become."
"channels of dross"
I enjoyed the last sentence. Johnny seemed to realize that living it large wasn't living at all. It has a great message behind it.
~Mini
It was very vague at first, and I got lost pretty quickly. I'm guessing you did this to keep the reader interested in reading, after all nothing can get a reader to read like curiosity. But it was a little too vague for my liking. Just be careful how vague you make it, because what can be a writer's greatest toll can also bring great destruction.
Things I liked:
Your use of words to create imagery.
My favorite word or phrase:
"she untied her ponytail and let the breeze unfurl her hair"
I love it because of the image it creates in my mind. You did a great job.
First off, I love the last sentence, and the very last word in that sentence is why I love it. The way you use the word somewhen fits very well into the whole story and effectively ties the whole thing together. I personally love unusual words or unusual metaphors and smilies. And somewhen is unusual. I think that sentence may have made my day.
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/phone99999
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.12 seconds at 11:58pm on Nov 22, 2024 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
A DDS Raid Review for You 
