Wow. This really grabbed me. There is some real potential in this poem, despite the fact that it really, really needs a lot more work. If you don’t mind me saying so, the basics (spelling, grammar, punctuation, word choice, and metre) suck.
But, the really ‘hard stuff’, the stuff most would-be poets find difficult to come by and produce, stuff like shape (you hit that strange spot right in between the intellect and the emotion, and manage to integrate them in a disarmingly effective way), tone (boy, it’s powerful) and persuasion/message (it makes me think, both in my head and heart). This is the stuff that separates those who are poets from those who try to be poets. And it is this and purely this that I give this poem a rating of 4.0.
The first thing that grabbed me about this poem was the title itself: ‘Life Wrote The Written’. In its quiet sort of boldness, it draws my curiosity and invites my intellect to listen to what you have to say.
As I step into your poem (in my mind’s eye, I see myself stepping into a boxing ring with you at the opposite corner), you deal me your first punch line: ‘Only an atheist can correct a Christian’ – you send me reeling, thinking hard. I may not necessarily agree, but my mind had to work, to think, to try to see the universal truth you imply when you state the fact so boldly.
You then hit me just as hard with your second line, in a very matter-of-fact manner that sets the scene for what you have to say for the rest of the poem. But I think that it could be better worded thus: ‘Otherwise we’re told what we are told.’
You could have knocked me out with your third and fourth lines, had they been better constructed. I get the message, your intent, but the force is somewhat diminished through poor diction and forced rhyme. I know you have it in you to produce better diction, a better choice and flow of words, to make a more forceful reading. You showed glimpses of this talent in “Old Agenda”, “Twisting” and “Christian Envy”.
I don’t wish to go on analysing line by line in this review (I could if you want me to, just email me). By the way, who or what are ‘The Champs’?
Without meaning to patronise you in any way, I think the central message in the title and your poem’s body text shows a depth of thinking, a certain level of grave maturity that goes beyond your years (light, judging by the type of words you choose to use). The theme you write about is an age-old theme, and many philosophers and intellectuals have suffered for, been persecuted for, paid for with their lives: the exercise of one’s own free will and intellect, to question the intellectual and philosophical basis of the so-called ‘Written Word’, and along with that, the authority of those people who derive their power from it (‘the patriarchs’ as you call them).
You probably already know that Christianity, Judaism and Islam belong to the same category of religion, a religion that is built on the foundation of the written word, a book (the Bible, the Tora and the Koran, respectively). One of the fundamental problems for these religions is the interpretation of the written word. As there are many different interpretations of the same words, the same book, so there are as many different denominations of that one religion. It is a common feature for all three religions. You have, on the one hand, hard-line extremists who interpret the book literally, word-for-word, and (as you point out) living by the customs and practices of those who wrote the book some two thousand years ago. You have, on the other hand, free- and over-interpretation of specifically selected passages/messages from the book, the selection done by some religious ‘freeloaders’ who use a universally accepted concept, like ‘God is Love’, to establish a cult following to suit their own agenda. People flock to either extremes because they don’t, they won’t, they can’t, or they are prevented from thinking for themselves. If only everyone thought for himself or herself, acted in accordance to his or her own conscience, based on his or her own direct relationship with God, I too believe the world won’t be the f***ed up, terrorised, divided world it is today.
But if everyone were to have that direct and personal relationship with their own god, what about those involved in the business of organised religion? They will all be out of a job. Worse still, they’ll lose their power, their hold, over those intellectual sheep, their ‘flock’, the people who don’t, won’t, and can’t think independently.
For me, the whole poem really sums up the proposition you offer in your title, and I conclude thus: (1) that people should try to know God directly and personally, not through any intermediaries, not through what other people wrote or said; and (2) nothing is ever ‘written in stone’ other than what’s gone, what’s past, that which is history; that which is yet to be written will be written by life itself and those living it. Yet, somehow, I feel you could have said more, or may have wanted to say more.
What I liked about this poem was that you presented the material, a serious and an often discussed theme in a fresh, personal and uniquely you point of view.
After reading all the other poems in your portfolio, I sense there is a certain power in your poetry. It is strong, yet not bitter or angry as young writers tend to become. And if it were properly crafted, polished, it will certainly blow a lot of people away. I don’t know whether you’ve considered or actually participated in slam poetry, or checked out the work of The Shane. It’s instructive to just see word-craft in contemporary, live form, and admire the talent and be lifted by the energy there is in this aspect of poetry. But I also think you may be made for higher things, a messenger with a smoulderingly serious, softly wondrous voice. Work on your craft that it may not mar that voice.
Before I finish, let me leave you with this one thought. Something that Mary Oliver, one of my top-10 favourite poets of all times, said in a magazine interview once: “I feel that the function of the poet is to be … somehow instructive and opinionated, useful even if only as a devil’s advocate … The question asked today is: What does it mean? Nobody says, ‘How does it feel?’”
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