Great job and I encourage you to keep up the good work. There are a few small items that could be better and as an example see this It grabbed the husband with her sharp talons . You have already defined it as a she and should have held to that when starting the sentence She grabbed the husband....... spread her wings open, and held out
no need for the comma before the word and...Small points but worth attention
Very well done and told in the proper voice. There are several typos and you are missing a few capitals but with a proper edit it is an excellent story. There were a few points that could have used more explanation, such as why you went to Vienna and what did you expect to find there. Some parts of the story could use a little more detail. Overall well done Keep Writing
I loved your story, and believe that you are indeed a writer. The characters were well understood and the story line held my interest/ I would offer one comment and that is this. When I see an extra word used in a sentence, that does not add or enhance the story, I worry. Is the author working aginast a word count requirement or simply filling a page.
I believe that if extra or un-necessary words are present they detract from the story not add to it. Especailly the adjectives, if you don't need them leave them out..
Examples .. giving the contents two quick counter-clockwise stirs followed by a slurpy sip from the wooden spoon This would be just as effective in the story without the counter-clockwise stirs. ie two quick stirs with a large wooden spoon.
Example.. some kind of weird recessive-slash-autoimmune-slash-hereditary something or other. This may be very descriptive, but as areader it slows me down to interpret. Did not add to story line, detracted from it. Would have been better to simple say some kind of weird hereditary disease....Too many words in the brew will spoil the flavor. Just my thoughts, could be shortened and still would have been a winner.
You have a good imagination. You have created words that no person could ever have thought of. You have strung them together in all of the wrong ways. You have submitted this work as a story, and I trust you have done this as a gag, or prank. Yes a great imagination indeed.
An excellent message for all to read. Tells it like it is and you have really covered the bases. Your style is still a bit rough but then no one is perfect and you should apply yourself on a regular daily basis to perfecting style. Keep on writing and I will keepp on reading . Well Done
A good rememberance of childhood. Yes we have all been there. I noticed a few small errors that you may want to clean up.
1st paragraph: focus to a different type of lessons... Would be better phrased as focus to different types of lessons.
5th paragraph: she skid to the side and waved ....s/be she skidded to the side...(past tense) Lynn was next, her bumpy
s/be Lynn was next to ride. Her....
6th paragraph: older than the rest of use ..s/be older than the rest of us....probably a typo
A little more editing might have shown these simple flaws.
I do like your style of writing, write on! Peter Yole
Very Nice. A well told story carefully crafted and opened one line at a time. I think most readers could anticipate the ending, however I just had to read it through. Just an opinion, but I do feel that one or two sentences could have been told a bit differently and be somewhat easier for the reader.. Example: His glance flickered over the gray canvas bag on the passenger’s seat and moved on to the rearview mirror. Could it be said that He quickly glanced over at the gary canvas bag now placed on the passenger seat, and then back to the rearview morror.
A very pleasurable read, Glad I stopped by. Peter Yule
My overall impression is that although you have some hopes to be a creative writer, you are lacking in the basic skills and understandings of the calling. You would be well advised to take one or more courses at your local schools in basic english and then in creative writing, Your works all need significant editing and as with all work, once created it should be examined in detail for errors in grammer and spelling before being presented.
The three sisters have magikal ?magikal? run spell check before posting!
Everyone had different stories of that night, that when the soldiers got to the baby's bed they were or weren't there, disappeared into thin air, or that they just crawled out of their beds because they knew something was about to happen.
Very poor structure. toss this sentance and re-write it to give it some kind of fluidity and purpose!
The way i remember it best is that, "the sisters' powers joined together to let them escape that place. They made themselves go to the Mortal world. But the powers backfired and made the sisters go to different place of the world. The Eldest landed in London. The middle went to present day Hollywood. Then the youngest landed in present day Loganville, Georgia."
The way that ( I ) I is always capital letter...."the sisters' ?using quotations is reserved for when you are actually quoting some one but of course you did not really use correct quotation marks now did you? " "
Eldest poor child why did you use capital here. Please, all microsoft tools include spell check and grammer check. Learn to use them.
King and Queen figured where their daughters were, someone already took ... No way..a complete waste of your time
King and Queen had figured out where their daughters were, someone had already taken them....
.that me and my two best friends xxxx grade school english my two best friends and I
Trust me on this, you may have the desire to write and if that is the case, you must take the time to learn how. There are several places on the internet where you can improve your skills, and all are worth the effort. Keep on writing if that is your desire.
Sorry love, just an honest opinion. If you have the desire, I am sure you can do much better. Writing is not a past time, it is a skill, learned over many years and with considerable hard work and dedication.
Your Story is good, held me all the way through, but left me with a few questions that mught have been ommitted for a reason. Was Mark questioning because he was in some way a police officer? Why did it take Margie so long to realize the ring held some powers? She seems to be a little to shallow. Oh well, too much detail can spoil a good story, and yours was good. I do not often review such works, but I salute your efforts here! PeterYule
Just Kelly, you hit the nail on the head. Creative well structured, very captivting. Just what an old "storyteller" like me needed on an otherwise depressing Sunday. I was just looking around when I was drawn to your work. I will be back for more.
If you have a moment you might find fodder for the joke book in some of my short stories. Peter Yule
Jerry, writing is a noble task when done well. It takes a lot of work to make a story flow and to have it tell itself to the reader. You have a story, that can be developed into an amusing moment of reality BUT THERE ARE A FEW PROBLEMS.
My daughter Emily visited a few days ago with Arianna and Kailey, my granddaughters. Emily and another daughter Janette went shopping and took Kailey with them
This intro leaves us with questions, and could be smoother. ie: I am a grandfather still in the learning process. Let me show you how. I have two daughters and three grandchildren and just a few days ago my (youngest), Emily arrived with her two children. She was meeting here with Janette my (oldest), to go on a shopping spree. My chore would be to watch over Arianna.......Take it from there and tell the story.....
the one he previously took, poor structure...
the one that he had previously taken.
Pictures are nice, when they relate to the story in some way. these don't. Hope this helps..Keep writing
Great Stuff Barb. Honest and from the heart. You have put the problem in God's hands, and that is that . Let it be, and it will be. Let Go, and Let God. Not always easy,but a true testimony to our faith in Him. Remember always that YOUR LIFE IS THE ONLY BIBLE THAT SOMEONE MAY READ.
Having said all that I hope you have fun on your first new date. It will be.... Peter Yule Ken
Sounds realistic enough to be a slice of life event. No need to be embarrassed. You may have been embarrassed if she had said she had "Babies Breath and you offered her a mint. I have seen a lot of new cashiers confused at the register. Most don't write about it. Good tosee people who do write about things that are real. You might try my folder for longer slice of life events. Peter Yule. The Old Yankee Storyteller.
Some how, as a reader, I felt the ending coming, but still I held on and read every line. Yes you have a gift for the genre of your choice. I do hope you don't share these with the kids for years to come. Well written, but I could not adjust the old age factor, the advanced aging and hag like appearance of mom, even though she had been in the water, and died there. Just a stretch too far. Your thing, well done.
I can relate well to Andrew Fellows. While my efforts did not involve tree houses, I know just how he feels. This week I did a 500 word dialogue entry for a WDC contest. It is called "I Have it all planned". I think we were on the same page as we wrote our handy man stories, but credit here is to you.
Keep up the good work. Stories of the often times overlooked down home and ordinary events are by far the ones that are easiest to remember and they have a lasting affect on the reader when done well.
Rising stars is of course a Great WAy to help newbies, and established writers as well. The input from other members of the community the ratings, the reviews, (good and bad) have realy helped a lot. Being named as a rising star gave me back some confidence and gave me a high bar to shoot for. Keep up the good work. Peter Yule
I felt that I had gone from one chapter into the next without there being any breaks in the story. It was a good story, but in the dialog a little confusing at times. Had to stop go back see who was talking. It would make a good TV Detective script, Very well done. We should have known about his pockets filled with tricks just a little before we see him pulling one after another including a gun from inside his clothing. That stretches it a little don't you think.
Peter Yule Best to you
Somewhere in this there is a story. It is hidden in paragraphs that are to long, and in converstaion that is to unconected. The dialog has the flavor of one person talking in an almost simple manner. You must take the time to give each character his/her full identity. Let them speak. At points, with glass crashing in the fireplace, I was confused as to it's significance. My suggestion is to put this work on ice for a month or two, forget about it. Take it out again and hand it to a friend to read to you, just as it is. At every point in hearing the story told, that you or the reader find an unanswered question, rewrite it, Please shorten and identify your para graphs. Ask honestly of yourself, is this the best that I can do? if your answer is no, do not give up, do it over and you will grow as a writer. I have spent years, as a speaker and a story teller, before I found a way to put forth my best works for readers, hoping that with each sentence they will "hear" the work as all writing is meant to be.There must be depth beyond the written word.
my best to you; Peter Yule
Well Tasca I have read your fantasy story, and I do hope it is far from your reality in life. Please say it isn't true. Wow that's a relief. Liked the detective, was he realy collecting eveidence or was he outto get a good story for his own retirement. I have had 3 or 4 very good careers, and now I am forced into retirement. Past the legal age for such privilege, and only now can I share my fantasy. I have been writing for as long as I can remember and now I am exposing my genius to the unsuspecting masses, all I hope quite eager to pay up. My price is reasonable 8 and 1/2 million. Call me when you find the stuff. PS Take a look at my folder, you might like it Peter Yule
Well foxy Ida,
I gave you a 4.5 because I see a vivid imagination at work here. I must tell you, I did have some difficulty with sentence construction in several places. Most notably in the paragraph starting with"I believe it's a manifestation, I think you might have explained who was talking with your boss a little better, before we hear what he has to say. It is at best awkward, to have to stop the flow of the read, and then to put it back into perspective.I like reading when I know who is speaking, without having to go back and plug the speaker in first. Also like all of us, a couple of typos. My advice to all writers, when you have finished a story, call upon a friend who has not seen it. Have them read it out loud to you. If their reading is stunted, then too is the writing. If as a listener you have an unanswered question, then go back to writing and answer the question. It all takes time.. Best regards Peter Yule
You are quite obviously an astute observer of the human condition, and are to honoed for that. In your writing you have captured the essence of parent child relationships, deteriorated by time and not by a loss of love, and difficult to cope with from a distance. You tell the story well with sufficient detail. I hope you can personalize more of your experiences and share them with the community. Well done.
Peter Yule
Truly not my cup of tea, but in a logical sense, well done. I hope you have not experienced such a traumatic experience, No probably not, more than likely the result of a late night pizza served a bit too cold. or perhaps some bad mushrooms. Still the logical sequence of diminishing items and increas in abnormal occurences does hold ones train of thought to endure to the end. Well done
You obviously have the ability to tell a story. This does not translate well into writing a story. There are many weaknesses in your writing, all of them being correctable with time and experience. You start off in your first paragraph, you write It was a warm early spring day and all the tree fairies planned on taking complete advantage of it. As normal for all faires, they would dance, play and sing all day and hours into the night, until complete exhaustion finally overtook them. Than they would all go to their homes to sleep comfortably till they would be completely rejuvenated once again.
I think that you might compare that to this suggested re-write: It was early in the year, a warm spring day, and all of the tree fairies had planned to take complete advantage of it. It would be quite normal, for tree fairies to dance and sing and play all day and into the wee hours of the night, when exhaustion would inevetibly reign over them.At that point they would all return to their homes to sleep comfortably into the early morning hours when they would all be refreshed and rejuvinated once more.. You must learn the correct use of then vs than, As I said, your story is good, worth telling, but needs a lot of TLC. Please continue to work at it. Do not be satisfied with the first or second drafts, write it read it set it aside for a few weeks go back and do it all again.
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