The storyline is about a guy who likes a girl and puts down his thoughts on how he is going to get together with he in his diary. It is very good to be able to write like this, writing to a diary, and you have done it well. The person talking is talking to his diary as if he is writing in it, well done :)
How it made me feel
It made me remember when I was at high school and there was a lot of people getting together with girls and boys and it was a big thing at that time so it brought me back. I can sense that the guy really wants to be with her and he is very optimistic about the whole thing, thinking it will all go well, thinking about every detail and not expecting a thing to go wrong. It made me actually worried fro him, in case firstly, the girl just said no outright or even if she said yes then what if her parents didn't like her..oooh it got me quite stressed but in a very good way. That shows quality writing, well done :D
Spelling & Grammar
I couldn't see anything wrong with any of the spelling or grammar at all :)
Final Thoughts
I like this little story, it brings lots of emotions about and makes me remember when it was this part of my life, no for me but for a lot of my classmates. It shows good quality writing when you can bring about so much emotion in a small story like this. I would like to know more about what happens. I like the little bits you include like the part about the grandmother saying how he was a good lad, that is a good bit of detail. I would liek to see what he puts in the diary for afterwards, I want to know what happens :)
Now this is very good indeed! To be critical of your own work is at times good but I don't think it is in this instance! This is what you would find in a book of poetry, you should keep this up! i love where you say "Desperate to gather what I thought was all mine
Or at least ours" When you say "Or at least ours" This is what makes it deeper into the professional category as you have expanded and gone deeper into it. this is amazing, keep writing more!
Firstly, you need to make sure your paragraphs are set out properly, otherwise it looks unprofessional. Make sure when a new person talks that it is on a new line. Also, tell us who said what sentence, so we don't get confused. It lacks detail. When you talked about him falling into pool players, you could include what the pool players did in reaction to that.
Although I have criticized this, it is a good story line. make sure that you don't get disheartened and just sort the paragraphs out and it will be really good :)
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