This is a good start to a story. I gave it three and a half stars for its current state. With work, I think it could easily get a higher rating. One thing, which I think you briefly attempted to do, but which could be developed more, is the reason why Carole wanted to become an eating machine. What about her life to date has caused her to want to purposefully adopt a habit which might be thought, by others, to be an eating disorder? I have gone through and made notes in the story. Some are comments, and some are style/punctuation errors. I noticed that you often put end quotes before end punctuation, but given I speak and write American English, I wasn't sure if that punctuation style was acceptable in another English speaking country, so I left it. I did run this through Microsoft Word's grammar checker marking it as UK English in order to have it accept non-American spellings and punctuation. I have delimited my comments with section breaks. I hope this is helpful.
-Bryce Kenn
Chapter 1: The life changing find §Note: This chapter title starts with a capital letter. The others don’t. /§
"CAROLE!!!!!” Bellowed Melanie §Melanie bellowed/§ as she came storming into the small accounting office that Carole was working in. “What’s the problem, boss”? Carole asked while trying to put on an innocent face. “Don’t you give me the old sweet talk trick” §trick,/§ Melanie snapped §snapped./§ “My office NOW”. Carole rolled her eyes and sauntered out of the room behind Melanie all while her hands were stuffed deep into her pockets. This body language was a sign of her opinion of the way Melanie ran the business. To Carole it was one thing to run a by the book §by-the-book/§, tight ship §tight-ship/§ organisation but it was quite another to run it with an almost Draconian rule, after all Melanie had fired employees in the past just for one misplaced handling of the equipment that was delivered or even more bizarrely for not washing their hands. Carole lumbered her way past the other workers' offices and just followed Melanie in silence like some naughty schoolgirl getting a lecture for not doing her homework.
Melanie slammed the door after Carole had entered her office and immediately marched over to unlock her filing cupboard. It was a tray designed to hold 20 doughnuts but only 4 of them were left. Melanie then wheeled out a small TV connected to a video camera and put the tape on. It revealed footage of Carole taking half of the donuts out of the tray while everyone was returning from lunch break. She’d made sure no one was looking, but §looking but/§ had forgotten that Melanie’s eyes and ears were all over this building.
“WELL”? Melanie demanded, “What do you have to say for this”? Carole’s response was the same as it had always been: “I love to eat and I’m trying to fulfil my dream of eating continuously.” And as usual, Melanie scoffed at it. “This is the 3rd time this month I’ve had to pull you up for taking most lunch break supplies”. “I put up with the first 2 because of your excellent working skills but this just can’t go on, Carole I’m afraid to say that your fired”.
While Carole was at least happy that she didn’t have to work for that bossy cow Melanie anymore, she was still upset that nobody seemed to be in any way supportive or respectful of her burning ambition to become an eating machine. This had left her feeling very isolated and sometimes depressed because every time she mentioned it to someone they’d always reply “Who’d want to be an overweight blob”?. §omit “.”/§ Fortunately Carole was very thick skinned so §thick-skinned, so/§ it was easier to combat these words and feelings and it only fuelled her ambition further to become a so called §so-called/§ eating “blob”.
Ironically, it was Melanie’s decision to fire Carole that proved the tipping point. As she got into her car to leave the young woman shook back her light brown hair and said to herself “I’ll prove to all of you I’ll achieve my dream in one way or another” then she set off for home and at this point she was just desperate to get in and relax. Such was her desperation that on this particular night §omit “particular”/§ she took a shortcut onto a singular road instead of taking the usual motorway. She was halfway down this road to her home when she looked up and see what appeared to be a shooting star. Carole thought to herself “I wish there was someway §some way/§ that I could just eat all the time” As the thought passed through her mind §mind,/§ she noticed that it wasn’t a star at all, it was actually a meteorite and not only that she also saw that it was heading into the area close to her car. The meteorite flew into the big forest of trees and crashed into the woods right next to the road Carole was on.
With no other cars around her, Carole drove into the parking area at the woods entrance and investigated where it landed. Switching on her torch she waded her way through the thick mossy branches and patches of wet mud which got her hands and clothes quite muddy until at last she reached the crash site. The ground was venting smoke §smoke,/§ and the meteorite had appeared to burn up into a small rock crater, which was now a brownish red colour because of its fiery entrance. Carole was just about to touch it when suddenly it started cracking and then burst open into small pieces. Carole ducked behind a bigger rock to avoid any injuries.
When she regained her courage, she poked her head out to see what remained, and she was amazed. Revealed on top of the only remaining piece of the meteorite was a small glowing blob of light green goo, which seemed to be a little sentient as it was moving around on its own slightly. Deciding she needed to act quickly before the police arrived, Carole scooped up the blob using a stick and stuffed it into her coat pocket before running back to her car where she placed it in her lunch container. She vacated the area, intrigued with her find and what it might do... §do./§
Chapter 2: the big decision
As Carole reached her apartment building and parked her car, the blob in the lunch container was the only thing on her mind. She made her way straight up to her apartment, not stopping for anyone or anything. Once inside, she locked the door and sealed the windows. Firstly, she composed herself by having a relaxing shower. She took the blob of goo into the bathroom with her just in case it ran §in case it might run/§ amok and cause havoc in one of her other rooms while unsupervised.
While she was showering §showering,/§ Carole wondered if it was really her lucky day or if the wish she had made had anyway influenced her discovery of this strange lump of goo. And then something twigged in Carole’s mind. This blob looked quite similar to the one she’d watched in a Simpson’s §Simpsons/§ Halloween episode. Carole’s heart beat a little faster at this thought, and she was wondering if this green goo could potentially be her way to fulfilling her dream of becoming an eating machine. After her shower Carole put her Pajamas §pyjamas/§ on, a plain red top with some white shorts and then spent the next half an hour just studying the Blob’s §blob’s/§ behaviour §behavior./§ It hadn’t moved out of the container in that time but §time, but/§ it was moving eagerly like it wanted something and §something, and/§ the more Carole watched it the more she believed that her ticket to fatness was sat §sitting/§ right in front of her §her./§
With her heart beating even faster and now wearing §faster, she put on/§ a pair of gloves in case it melted §might melt/§ her hands, §hands./§ Carole picked the blob up out of the container. “This may be my last chance to achieve my dream, here §dream; here/§ goes nothing” §nothing”,/§ she said to herself. She opened her mouth as wide as possible and shoved the blob inside with both hands. Surprisingly §Surprisingly,/§ it tasted just like a normal jelly, Carole was §jelly. Carole had been/§ expecting it to taste so bad that she would be sick everywhere. She could bite it easily and savoured every second of the taste §taste,/§ and then came the moment where she took a big gulp of faith and swallowed. And with that, the blob was now inside Carole’s body.
Carole waited to see if her body would react in any way at all. 5 minutes §five minutes/§ passed after consumption, then 10 minutes §ten minutes/§, then 20 minutes §twenty minutes/§. By the time half an hour passed, Carole felt a major sense of disappointment. “I went and got this blob out the woods for it to just taste like a normal jelly, I §jelly; I/§ should have known it was only a fantasy” she §fantasy”, she/§ said miserably. She was so miserable that she went into her bedroom and went straight to sleep, gutted that her chances of eating all the time were seemingly over.
However, what Carole didn’t know was that this blob was a slow burner. It needed time to spread its way throughout Carole’s system and settle itself in. As midnight approached, it got to work and gave Carole’s body its influence. It took residence in her stomach and merged itself into her stomach acids before spreading itself around and softening the flesh §flesh./§ Then §Then,/§ it moved to her mouth and neck and began work on that by stretching her windpipe and jaw. Next §Next,/§ the blob started altering her mind and §mind, and/§ while her memories were still intact, it made her think of one thing above all else: eating food. It also had much grander plans for her body later on. When it had finished, its work §had finished its work,/§ it had given Carole’s body multiple upgrades including:
A stomach made like Elastic/Rubber so she could eat without feeling like exploding
A jaw and neck that could stretch wide enough for her to fit a whole watermelon inside her mouth and swallow it easily
Teeth that were indestructible to even the most metallic of surfaces
A motor in her mouth to suck up food from long distances
A bouncy bottom to get to higher levels she couldn’t normally reach
§Consider expressing these “upgrades” as a paragraph rather than a list./§
Chapter 3: carole §Carole/§ 2.0
As the clock struck midnight, the blob was ready. It made Carole’s stomach rumble violently and her eyes shot open in a wide-eyed and hungry manner.
Carole’s first thought to the noise in her stomach was “is it morning already”? But it was quickly replaced with “I’m absolutely starving”. She shot out of bed and made her way into the kitchen. She pulled up a chair towards her fridge as she was that hungry. Once settled, Carole proceeded to fill her face with the fridge’s content. All the yoghurts, grapes, jelly’s §jellies/§ and sausage rolls were among those devoured in a matter of minutes. When she’d finished though Carole §When she’d finished, Carole/§ found she was still hungry so next she reached into the top cupboard where she kept her biscuits, crisps and sweets §crisps, and sweets/§ and again everything was gone within 5 §five/§ minutes. And so it continued as Carole ate everything in the fruit bowl §bowl,/§ and then she was tearing through her huge carton’s §cartons/§ of ice cream from the freezer among all the smaller ones. After that she was opening no fewer than 8 §eight/§ tins of beans and piling them all up on one plate and §plate, and/§ she finished the whole thing in 3 §three/§ minutes. It was a relentless speed she was going at §She was eating at a relentless pace,/§ but no matter how much she ate Carole’s hunger seemed to get more ravenous, not less as more and more food substance §stuffs/§ passed through her big red lips. Eventually she had devoured everything that didn’t need to be cooked, and that was the cue to take a minute. Carole massaged the monstrous blob of flesh that was now her stomach and got quite amused at how squishy it was and how much the sides tried to overhang on her legs.
Eventually managing to stand up, Carole went to study her new appearance in the mirror and was amazed at what she saw. Her hair and eyes were the same,, §omit second comma/§ but that was it for similarities. Her face had taken on a much rounder shape with a clearly defined double chin with her cheeks all puffed up and her lips now plump and full. Her hands and arms had swollen up and were a lot beefier than before, and her fingers were now as thick as sausages. The same things could be said for her legs, feet §feet,/§ and toes while her butt which §butt, which/§ had previously been barely visible §visible,/§ was now one giant bubble. But the biggest difference was Carole’s belly, §omit comma/§ which was basically now a massive round dome complete with 2 rolls of flab.
Carole had been in some sort of trance throughout her spell of eating, but now §that/§ her mind was thinking §thinking,/§ she suddenly had so many questions about her body because it didn’t feel the same. Why wasn’t her jaw aching from the relentless amount of food she’d eaten? Why did her stomach feel so stretchy and elastic and not like she wanted to pop? Carole’s mind soon forgot about all these questions though as her stomach let out a monstrous gurgling noise which she silenced by slapping her huge fingers on it. It was time to get back to business.
With the remaining food needing to be cooked, Carole decided to start with food that just needed a simple microwave, so she reached into another top cupboard to gather all her packets of rice. As she touched the first packet §packet,/§ however, it started to shake and rattle before it suddenly transformed into a readymade §ready-made/§ bowl. The blob had just given Carole another ability: anything that needed cooking just needed a single touch from Carole’s fingers and it’d be cooked in a flash. After the initial shock at this supernatural movement §movement,/§ it suddenly dawned on Carole what was happening and who was doing this to her, no not who it was more like “what”. A huge smile spread across Carole’s round face as she realised §realised,/§ “The blob wasn’t a dud after all, it s §it’s/§ helping me realise my dream, this is amazing!!!”, “ §omit the quotes and the comma/§ I’m becoming Carole 2.0” §2.0”,/§ she whooped with joy.
Carole soon discovered the other upgrades to her body that the blob had given her because of communication in her mind, and now she felt unstoppable. She quickly touched everything that needed cooking §cooking,/§ and before long she’d devoured all the pizza’s §pizzas/§, chips, steak §steak,/§ and noodles, among other things. From 125 pounds, Carole’s weight had doubled that size §omit “that size”/§ , and she was looking like the blob that §omit “that”/§ she’d consumed. The bad news now though §omit “though”/§ was that §omit “that”/§ Carole was out of food and few places were open to get more, but her new ravenous hunger meant waiting was impossible. Luckily §Luckily,/§ she’d bought a set of clothes specifically for a day like this and now was the time to use them. She squeezed into a black button down §button-down/§ blouse and then her wide legged white trousers. She then tucked the blouse inside as she added a pair of red braces to keep the pants up. Finally, a pair of shiny back slip-on shoes and white blazer completed her new look. Carole wasn’t sure how long the clothes would last §last,/§ and she was quite amused at how her belly was already pushing against the braces, but for now it would do. Carole was now ready to go on the biggest eating binge of her life.
Chapter 4: to the food court
Despite the increased ballast slowing her down, Carole had made it out of her apartment building with little problem. Helped further by the fact that because it was §replace “the fact that because it was” with “it being”/§ 2 in the morning, no one was up to see her. It was only when she got out that §replace “it was only when she got out that” with “once outside”/§ she discovered that as well as her weight, the blob had also made her gain height in this initial surge §… she discovered the blob had not only caused her to gain weight but height as well/§. She was now well into the 6 foot §6-foot/§ range and it wouldn’t be long before she got into the 7’s. All of this continued to fuel Carole’s happiness,, §omit second comma/§ and she was going to savour every second of eating and transforming while she could.
First though Carole needed to find a place §“that had a lot of food, so she headed for the massive food court ten minutes away.” Omit the rest of the sentence./§ where so much food was waiting and that’s when she remembered that there was a massive food court about 10 minutes away from where she lived. Now it was §omit “it was”/§ fused inside her, the blob could read what she was thinking and feeling so when it heard the words “food court” §court,/§ it needed no second invitation to make a charge. It made its host’s belly gurgle impatiently again §again,/§ and Carole replied almost robotically §robotically,/§ “Must find food court and consume everything” as if the blob had now become her new master which in a way it had as she was only listening to its noises and her own altered mind. Then Carole put her feet in motion and set off on her quest for food. She was more stomping rather §omit “rather”/§ than walking to the food court because her body had almost taken the shape of a bowling ball with limbs and she had her arms stretched out to keep balance and avoid toppling over. Also §Also,/§ because her cheeks and lips were so full Carole felt that speech was impossible except for grunting noises but that was fine, she hadn’t consumed this blob to talk after all §all,/§ and it seemed to respond well to her thoughts.
As she made her way further down the street, a bright light caught Carole’s eye. She realised it was a newsagent's shop that was still open and that contained all sorts of food. Carole decided to make a stop here before she ravaged the food court. Just about §omit “Just about”/§ squeezing her monstrous girth through the tiny door, Carole saw that there was no one at the counter or indeed in the shop at all. She needed to strike now before she got caught, so she got to work. Tearing her way through the chocolate bars and sweets, Carole felt the same amount of pleasure and ecstasy as in her apartment, she genuinely couldn’t believe she was living her dream of becoming an eating machine. She remembered how her parents had always kept her on a strict diet to maintain “positive body image” and even when having a roast dinner, her proportions §portions/§ were always limited to a measly amount. Carole didn’t care about that now though, §though;/§ this was the real her §her,/§ and she loved it.
Suddenly she was snapped out of her pleasure by coming face to face with an elderly woman who’d suddenly appeared out of nowhere. Carole was worried that §omit “that”/§ the woman would go mental at her and when she raised her hand, she was fearing a beating. Instead though, §consider just using “Instead,” and omitting the “though”/§ the woman was raising her hand to open the lock on the counter’s door and went inside. Carole was puzzled, even more so that she also hadn’t noticed the pile of wrappers littering the floor. She didn’t want to know, so she tried to pop herself out of the door. As she was doing this, the buttons on her blazer all burst free at once and pinged around the shop. With a bit more effort Carole finally squeezed out of the door and quickly moved on her way, but she was baffled why the woman hadn’t seen her.
The blob had worked its magic again. It knew that it needed to protect itself as well as its generous host from being seen as they were so it decided that anyone in Carole’s vicinity would have their perception temporarily altered so that they couldn’t see her §her,/§ or the damage caused §caused,/§ until they’d gone. The mess could then be blamed elsewhere. Once they’d left the shop, the blob relayed this to Carole’s mind §mind,/§ and it was like a pair of prison shackles had broken off for her. “I can eat destructively without being detected? §detected./§ That’s so cool” Carole thought. “Pinch me, is this really happening”?. §omit “.”/§ She decided to discard her blazer at the bottom of a nearby alley bin before continuing.
Getting back onto the Main Street Carole continued her progression up to her main point of focus until she finally reached the food court entrance. Because she’d only been in a small shop previously, Carole had only expanded in size and girth slightly. However, it wouldn’t be long until she would consume enough food to reach the crossover point from Human to blob of jelly.. §omit second “.”/§
Chapter 5: the cake shop
This food court was unusual in that the corridors were always open, even though the food shops were closed. Carole made her way past the entry door §main entrance/§ and lumbered through the dimly lit hallways. She had always loved coming here on her days off, and the only issue she was facing was which place to ravage first. She could try the sweet shop and eat her favourite jellybean flavours, there §flavors. There/§ was another shop that sold pizza bases allowing you to make your own and with her new abilities Carole could just touch it and it’d be ready. There was also a massive shop of cheese at the far end, and Carole was certainly looking forward to going there. The thought of stuffing entire cheese wheels down her wider stretching mouth was making her drool. Wherever she started, there was plenty of opportunity
Suddenly Carole caught a view of the most magical place she had seen in the building. It was a completely new shop that she’d never seen before. “This place must have opened only recently as I’ve not been here a while” §note: If she hadn’t been there in a while, how would she know the shop had only opened recently?/§ Carole thought to herself. The shop was a big pink rectangle, and its title was §omit “and its title was”/§ simply called “Shake and Cake” and §, and/§ it contained some of the biggest and well designed §best-designed/§ cakes that Carole had ever seen. Her mind had been altered to make eating food the main priority, but this cake shop had melted her heart in delight so much it had now made eating food Carole’s ONLY priority. The blob had to work its magic to help Carole get inside, so it melted her down into a puddle of sludge and moved its way through the gap at the bottom of the entry door. Once inside, she regained her current physical form. Carole looked around and felt like she §she’d/§ died and gone to cake heaven. Her feelings were so powerful that §that,/§ for the first time since consuming the blob, she went all in.
“Time for me to show what you’ve given me master” §master,/§ Carole told the blob in her mind. She picked up a cake the size of a balloon and stretched her mouth as big as she could. Then she shoved the whole thing inside, chewing it with ease and swallowed it. Carole let out an excited laugh, and from there she was relentless. Whatever the size of the cake, she ate them at a frightening pace. Her face increasingly getting covered with sticky icing, crumbs §crumbs,/§ and chocolate. The shop also had iced buns and muffins, which stood §offered/§ no resistance to Carole’s ravenous appetite. She chose to eat these in between the big cakes so she could savour them more. Then she had even more fun by using the powerful motor in her mouth to suck the cakes and muffins into her ever expanding gullet. To say she was enjoying herself was describing it very kindly.
About halfway through Carole’s binge, the expansion in her body was coming to the fore. The braces on her pants §pants,/§ which had looked stretched ever since she’d put her new clothes on §on,/§ finally had to give way. Rather than see them get snapped off, Carole decided to unclip them §them,/§ and she could only watch as they flew across the other side of the room. She was disappointed at that but realised that she might not be needing trousers soon. Seconds later the top button on her blouse popped off, Carole was mightily relieved at this because it was getting stuck under her swelling chin which had now long doubled and was tripling so it’s popping had given her neck some much needed breathing space. Carole continued to eat and eventually all the buttons had flown off.
By the time Carole reached the final couple of cakes, she looked unrecognisable from the woman who’d woken up at midnight. Her body was now a big blob of flesh with a round head and face, cheeks and lips that looked like they were full of cotton, a chin that was nearly trebled and merging with her neck, arms that looked like she’d swallowed a pair of armbands, sausage fingers, bubble butt and tree trunk legs. This was the most fun Carole had had for §had in years/§ years, but now the blob had been fed so much food it was ready to perform its grand finale.
Chapter 6: the blobwoman §blob woman/§ is born
Carole was just about to reach the last couple of cakes that were on the highest shelf when she suddenly felt a strange and slightly painful sensation from her stomach downwards. It was like her organs were dissipating inside of her and her lower physical structure was collapsing. Before she knew it Carole suddenly felt like she was shrinking because the top shelf seemed to be getting bigger and bigger. She looked down and saw that her feet and legs were melting away into a pool of sludge and her lovely bubble butt was deflating too. “Aww I quite liked that massive behind I’d developed” Carole groaned, but her disappointment would soon subside. She’d been quite calm in this process because in her mind she’d long gone past the point of being a human. This was just official confirmation to her she was no longer human.
Carole then noticed that the melting had stopped to the point just below her stomach, which was still a massive round dome that had developed more rolls during her cake binge. Suddenly it rumbled as loudly as it’d ever had before, and Carole was braced for the change. She suddenly §omit “suddenly”/§ felt herself stretching higher and wider until she bumped her head on the ceiling. She then felt the same sharp pain in her torso like her rib cage, heart and spine were all just melting away. Her skin was now close to breaking point, and Carole knew it wasn’t long before her old human life would be more.
“I think I know what’s going to happen to me now, but this night was so worth it “Thank §it. Thank/§ you master for everything that you’ve given me” she said to the blob in an almost tearful like manner. Then 2 seconds later there was a mighty POP and Carole Williams was no more. Not in the flesh anyway...
Carole realised she was still alive, and she was still feeling hungry. When she opened her eyes, she was absolutely overjoyed to see what she had become. She was now a 10 foot §10-foot/§ tall, 800 pound §800-pound/§ blob of light green jelly. Having consumed the blob Carole had eaten and merged with it so well that she had now become the blob and therefore she was the master now. The stretching she had felt was her gaining her size and width while her organs and skeleton had been dissolved to make her living tissue out of jelly. The bursting of her skin finally created the mould.
“This feels so incredible, §incredible;/§ I can do whatever I want like this” Carole finally said as her face had deflated slightly, enabling better speech. Then she noticed an incredible sight developing next to her. The main office desk of the cake shop was pressing against her new blob like form before it was then sucked into the gelatinous mass and assimilated. Another huge grin spread over Carole’s face at the possibilities ahead. And then she proclaimed: “It’s time for me to show this world that there’s a new girl in town.... §“/§
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I like the idea of Gwen being flighty and well-intentioned yet agreeing to become an assassin. The person I find funniest, though, is Suzy. How many seven-year-olds are into hostile corporate takeovers? Suzy also seems to have a better grasp on reality than Gwen does. I think you do a great job of showing a couple of bright kids who lack the actual worldliness to grasp the magnitude of what they are actually doing. It all adds up to a very funny premise -- in a kind of sick, dark sort of way. Just my kind of show! 