You have a believable plot, one that unfortunately is all too true. Many people, especially older ones, have a tendency to trust anyone who says they have a need. Often when they are taken, they have the same responce and give up on kindness. If people would us Biblical principles, they could escape this senario.
The first suggestion is to put spaces between paragraphs like in this review. It makes it a lot easier on the reader. Many people won't read, let alone review a story without the spaces. This is a necessity!!!!
A few reoccuring mistakes -
Add a space in the name, as in Mrs. Aslam.
A comma occurs at the end of a quote when followed with a tag, such as "Good night," Mrs. Aslam said quietly.
To show a pause, you have the choice of three dots '...' or one dash '-', not ----. It is best to pick one and stick with it throughout the story.
You have a extreemly formal writing format, which is understandable for Mrs. Aslam, but her children would tend to speak more informally, using more contractions. For dialoge, it isn't a big problem. but you tend to use the formal tone throughtout.
The 16 year old daughter is in college, so it might help to say something about her graduating high school early.
You have a habbit of using the same phrases many times in the story. An example is "After a few minutes" Continuoulsy used phrases tend to cause the reader to loose interest in the story. Often, these phrases aren't even needed.
Be careful of repitition in other areas as well. Example - when she is preparing breakfast, you write, "...was preparing breakfast, the door was knocked. "Saleem, go and see who is knocking..."
1st - it should be "was preparing breakfast, someone knocked on the door." The phrase "The door was knocked" is a fragment and doesn't make sense by itself.
2nd - The average person would say something like, "Saleem , see who that is." If you say an action is taking place, don't have the charater repeat it in his dialoge. Drop one or the other.
3rd - It seems that everytime someone is at the door, Mrs. Aslam is telling Saleem to answer it.
When you have a section of dialogue, you don't need a tag, like 'he said', with each comment.
I notice that every character has the same speech pattern. I alluded to this earlier with the idea of formal speech, but if you read each character's lines, you will find them to be the same. Different people speak in different ways. A good way to learn is to find a public place where you can hear people talking without eavesdropping, and listen. Look for word use, contractions, long words or short, slang, repeated words, profanity (mild, sevear, vulgur) and the like. Listen for tone, volume, joy, saddness, pain, etc.
If you want to improve as a writer, listen, then write down the conversations as you remember them, making sure each one has his or her own style.
I read the other posts you have in your portfolio and saw that you wrote better and with more confidence in those articles. They were more of a non-fiction type and were much better written. You need to use that same confidence in your story telling.
When I am writing a scene, I try to imagine myself in that same situation and write accordingly. I just completed a story for a contest, using a photograph to describe the scene. Above all, you need to have fun writting. I have read several "How to" books where the author said that writting was a chore. I disagree completely. Writing gives you the chance to become the person you want to be as you live through your characters.
I started editing your story and found that I could easily remove a third of it and still have the same story. As an example, I would write the first paragraph as follows:
Mrs. Aslam was a kind, sympathetic woman who desired to help others in need; a true humanitarian. As proof, she recently gave a tidy sum to her maid who needed to purchase clothes for her five year old daughter,Hina.
I chose the word 'tidy' as it goes along well with the job description of a maid.
You have the beginnings of a great story here. It needs some work, but that is nothing to be upset about. Every story can use some work, even those by 'great' writers. Most of the problems are easy to correct and will become a thing of the past as you progress in your writing. Whatever you do, NEVER get discouraged and quit. The star rating means nothing to me, as it is subjective, not always taking in every aspect of the story. A 5 star rating with no feedback does the writer little good. A 2 star rating with helpful hints can be a great blessing.
I write all of this to encourage you, not discourage. If I felt you were a terrible writer with no potential, I would never have taken the time to write this review.
I encourage you to go to the reviewing page and read through the reviews posted. You can receive many helpful hints for your own writing as you read the stories and reviews of others.
I have just begun reading Clive Cussler's newest novel. Now that I am a writer, I no longer read purely for pleasure. I am amazed at the way Cussler describes each scene and study the method he uses. So, I not only enjoy a great story, but I am learning how to write better while I am doing it. I firmly believe that the best way to become a great writer is by being a ravenous reader. Read to learn, then write what you have learned.
Thank you for sharing your story for us. I look forward to your future stories. |
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