I thought that this was very good, although I did find some typos, for example, "Why, oh baby,/Am I so in love, with you," should have a question mark at the end. I would suggest just giving the piece a quick one-over, to fix these minor errors.
Other than that, I thought this was very well written. You have excellent imagery and interesting metaphors, such as "blasting the atmosphere". All in all, I relly like this, and hope to see more work from you.
PLOT: The idea for the plot was very good- woman unrightfully loses job and eventually succeeds-if classic, but you are missing a middle. You have a clear beginning and a clear ending, but your middle needs to be added to and made more substantial.
OPENING: You have a good general idea, but your opening lacks a name for your character. Now, I'm not sure if you have done this on purpose, to add suspense or something (I really don't know), but if you are, I reccomend adding words like "the woman" instead of always using "she". While on that topic I would like to take time to mention that you later always use "Tess", and never pronouns.
MIDDLE: Like I said before, you don't really have a clear middle.
END: The idea is good- Tess triumphing over her ex-co-worker- but you lack a few details, such as how she did better than Adam, and why he was so suprised when he saw Tess in that meeting. Those are the two things that immediately came to mind that needed clarifying.
CHARACTERS: Your characters seem a little underdeveloped and could use some depth. For example, you could mention things about Adam's reasons for pulling Tess into his lap, or Sally's general personality (and Tess' for that matter).
All in all, though, I thought your story was pretty good, but needed a fari amount of rewriting and editing. Good luck!
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/peanut_butter
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.10 seconds at 8:29am on Dec 26, 2024 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
