I know someone JUST like this... ahhhh... I love the imagery, I could see the clothes in the closet, the perfect green-eyed girl and the temper tantrum of flying pillows and billowing sheets. You've got something here. I like the character too, passion is always interesting in a read and this girl has a ton of it!! Keep it up, I'd like to read more about her.
Dark and creepy... very well written and intense, I like your style and I also like that you wrote this in first person, you don't see it too often, but it has a powerful quality... I am the character. So, no matter how crazy the characters behavior, you relate, you understand, and I think that makes it even more creepy... you think, could I be that crazy...
My suggestions:
You may want to make time breaks, like a line of stars between the time she passes out and when she wakes up, or between when she is seething mad over the break up and the next morning.
You may also want to add something about Bryan's anger, the look in his eyes or his expression, body language etc...
Overall, I think you've got a great idea here and some excellent twists... Keep it up!
PeaceLAS
I absolutely agree!! I have been given so many things for FREE on this site (ie. an upgraded membership from an anonymous donor... thank you to whoever did that by the way.) At every turn I find someone willing to help with any questions I might have, rate and review my work, and just be cordial and inviting. I love it here, and I know so many others do as well. After reading this article, I feel it is necessary to let everyone on this site know just how appreciative I am of everyone's hard work. Thank you to the staff and the readers, writers, reviewers and visitors who make it possible and enjoyable to be part of such an awesome community. THANK YOU.
PeaceLAS
You may want to add satire to your description. I love the way you wrote this, funny and detailed. I think we have all had one of these days, but I commend you for making light of it while you vent your frustration. I am happy to be the first to rate this peice. Two thumbs up, keep up the good work! My only suggestion is to proof read it one more time looking for grammatical and spelling errors.
PeaceLAS
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