I love the idea you're working towards with this piece. In my opinion, there is a lot of showing instead of telling. I also feel like it's very repetitive, like you're trying to fill the page instead of intriguing the reader. I also noticed a few run-on sentences with details that aren't really necessary for the reader to know.
I think you have a great idea, it just needs a little bit more tuning. I wish you the best of luck. Keep writing! XOXO
I think you should add more details. You have a good story line. But you need to add more details and use literary tools. And you kind of say the same thing twice so if you do that you need to add more information between the two parts. Keep writing!
This was an amazing short story! I loved it. I got chills reading it. You used great imagery I felt like I was in the story. Keep up the good work! I would love to read more of your work! I can relate to this story as you can see from my recent essay. Feel free to read it.
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