I love the style and tone of this piece--at-home, and so comfortable with itself that it drew me right in and kept me there the whole way. I've also always wanted to go blueberry picking, so I had a special interest in the details(!)
Strengths:
Confident, assured voice and tone
Good use of 1st person
Credible
Strong start--in the middle of preparing for the main action
Readable and engaging
Despite the many strengths of this piece, it lacks in the area of plot. For me, plot is what happens that makes a change for the characters. That might be hard to do if this is based on real life (is it?). But whether or not it is a "true" story, to improve this piece, you might want to take us a little deeper or a little wider.
What I mean by that is: how does this incident of blueberry picking make a change either for one of the characters, or in a relationship between the characters. Another way of looking at this is: why is this story meaningful for you? You've communicated a wonderful sense of the incident happening, but not what it means, not why it's important. (As readers, I think we want the flattery of knowing that what we are reading about is significant.)
One way to do this is to use this little incident as a "snapshot" of the grandmother's relationship with the daughter, and the shift--even if it's small--that takes place in that relationship. Perhaps the grandmother sees how grown-up or fearless her granddaughter is...and hadn't recognized that before, and that changes her feelings about her. Or perhaps the grandmother learns something about herself or the world she lives in. (This would be taking us "wider"--giving us a sense of what this day means within the context of her whole life.)
Another possibility is to show tension between the grandmother's and granddaughter's reaction to the alligator, and then have them work it out with each other. Or perhaps the tension between the granddaughter expecting picking blueberries to be easy and her disappointment when it's not so easy...and how the grandmother handles that, could be played around with. When everyone is so pleasant and happy about everything, it's less interesting.
Another way to improve the story is to have more happen in the story. Not big stuff, necessarily, but don't resolve all the tension so easily. You have a lot of possibilities: tension about expectations of what blueberry picking is like, the relationship between grandmother and granddaughter; tension between the owners of the field and the grandmother's outrage...everything is resolved so easily. And maybe you as an author want everything resolved, but resolving conflict too easily makes a story much less interesting. You have lots of possibilities here, and most of the "work" that you will do will be "underground", but it will make a huge difference.
I hope some of this makes sense. I really believe that the "big stuff" of our lives often happens in the details and can be captured by the details. It'd be cool if blueberry picking could somehow become symbolic or a metaphor of the relationship--or of a moment in the relationship--between grandmother and granddaughter. This is a beautiful story that just needs another "layer". Probably much won't change, but layering in a wider context, or the significance that the grandmother gives to the incident would really "round out" this story and change it from a simple memoir to something more.
Now for a few grammatical details. Your style is a bit wordy, but the conversational tone really drew me in, so I wouldn't change it, although others might suggest it. However, you could use a few more commas. For example:
We followed the last couple through the clearing, stepping gingerly in the ruts made by some farm equipment.
Shift your paragraphs a bit differently:
“Well, it’s my fault. I shoulda warned you to begin with. By the way, my name's Warren Stiles. Course you know that, this being the Stiles Blueberry Farm.” Mr. Stiles extended his hand to me.
“I’m Betty and this is my granddaughter, Jenny. We’re glad to meet you, Mr. Stiles.”
I found two typos:
“How long does it take to pick a bucketful, Gramm?” I could see my answer called for a little finesse.
Here, have a seat, and I’ll get you and the little girl a cold drink.”
I look forward to seeing what you do with this piece! I hope this is helpful.
|
|
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
