Okay, you asked for it and here it is. I hope my feedback is helpful. If you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask.
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My muse of olden lore,
Laying silent in store,
Staring out from my door.
Looking at you, I seek more.
Technically speaking, we are touched by a stanza of irregular iambs. The meter is also irregular which shows this poem to be of the free-verse variety. Free-verse poetry is one of my favorite flavors as it flaunts so many structural rules (there's enough structure in language and our lives, we don't always need more...sorry, Shakespeare.) However, this stanza consists of perfect rhyme which disqualifies it as being purely free-verse...very interesting.
The image I see is the poet being touched (perhaps summoned) by lore. This lore may represent more than just stories, it could be such things as knowledge, wishes, fantasy and desire as she looks outward for "more." Additionally, since the muse is personified from lore, the poet may be touched (or desire to be touched) by her inspiration. It's not entirely clear and such a mystery should urge your readers forward with curiosity. Great!
But you seem uninterested,
Perhaps even frustrated
But my curiosity isn't sated,
And my work is not completed.
With something to complete, the the poet is driven past the face of frustration. We see an undaunted poet as she she knows she wants something and is determined to get it.
With your long silence, I cease.
Here I am, stuck on a precipice.
I am desperate for the keys
To unlock this new masterpiece.
The plot thickens: what is this new masterpiece? It could be a work of art, literature or her self, to name just a few things. By gently revealing the poem, you reserve ample opportunity to fill your readers with vivid imagery. So far, I love the pace.
My fingers feel the pen is heavy,
My mind is growing weary.
My friend, will you not tell me
The rest of our glorious story?
We feel the muse being summoned by the poet and, at the same time, we discover what the masterpiece is likely to be: a work of literature. The personification of the muse is wonderful as it relates back to the Greek idea of the sister goddesses. The call for the muse to balance creativity amidst chaos is not altogether unfamiliar. The impish spirits of creativity are often times fickle, unreliable and truly unruly...but what we won't give to share in their gifts!
You stare at me quietly.
Why are you so gloomy?
"Have I so offended thee?"
I ask you, tenderly.
The impish muse resides outside the poet and she blames herself for it's lack of attention. This is an interesting psychological turn: the poet's lack of inspiration resides outside herself. This is truly meaningful and sincere.
"No", you say with a sigh
"It is not you, it is I
All we do and say is a lie
Reality I cannot continue to deny."
This stanza contains more sincerity on the part of the poet. We see an internalization of responsibility with regards to creativity. There seems to be a revelation that the poet and muse are not necessarily mutually exclusive. This stanza perfectly resolves the previous one. Great!
Rising I walk toward you
And grasp your hands anew
Drenched in twilight's blue,
My dear muse has not a clue.
Love it! The "muse has not a clue"! We see the poet rising with awareness, growing with a new grasp of the situation (great imagery here), and all at the end of the day. Beautiful resolution! Vivid and delicious...great, Tabitha! The poet reclaims responsibility for her work, effort, and art.
"O my soul, these lies set us free
For only through them, do we see
The lessons of life with clarity
Through our humble art, we shall teach humanity."
This is the most confusing concept of the entire piece: it is only through lies does she see. I'm unsure what this means, but it sure stops me and makes me think (that's not necessarily a bad thing.) I think it's the connection of "lies" with "clairty" that's tripping me up. I really like the sentiment of the last line (and I truly believe poetry has such an ability), but the more I think about this final stanza, the more I think it isn't entirely necessary for the poem as a whole. The reason I mention it is due to the triumphant stanza preceeding it. Stanza seven is so wonderful and packs such power, I think it's an impossible act to follow. Have you considered ending the poem at stanza seven? That ol' magic number just makes me smile.
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This is a tremendous poem, Tabitha. You have a natural gift for writing and I encourage you to explore it all. My overall suggestion for this poem is to play with it and have some fun. In particular, I encourage you to look at its meter and see what you can do with it. And when that's done, dump the meter and all the rhyming and go purely free-verse with it. Study examples of iambic pentameter and try this piece in sonnet form. You have a tremendous amount to work with and an amazing talent to make it happen.
If you're interested, I suggest you check out Federico Garcia Lorca's concept the Duende (his idea of the muse...amazing!) and Wordsworth's opinions on Romanticism. Shakespeare's sonnets are all fantastic and you can't go wrong with Coleridge's, "Rime of the Ancient Mariner."
I truly appreciate your talent and willingness to share it with me. If you ever want to talk about prose or poetry with someone, you know where to find me.
Have a goody, Tabitha!
Tony |
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