I'm so glad that I chose this one to review. (I'm on my lunch break and needed something short as well). It speaks to me for several reasons. First, I have a gift for dream interpretation, so anything about dreams intrigues me. In dream symbolism, death is not always a bad thing. It can symbolize the end of the old and the beginning of the new; hence, the Light. I am also a social worker and work with the dying, and I recently had a pretty close call with death myself. I totally get the feeling of not being afraid and that wonderful peace. When I realized that I was stuck here for a while longer, I figured that I needed to do better. I finally stopped smoking two months ago! I, too, am happy for the relief that the dying feel when they are released from their pain. The hardest thing about my job is seeing loved ones going to extremes to hold on to someone who has no quality of life left. My only critique is that there's a bit of a run-on sentence in the first paragraph that could use a comma after "I don't remember the year" and one or two spots that just need the spacing corrected. Very enjoyable read!
Drunken Donuts, I love that! Wow, your description of the store, the candy and the times are very visual, bringing me back to that time in my childhood. I loved these cherry flavored coin things, they were kind of like gummies but not quite as soft - and they were actually nickel candy. The store that I frequented as a child was a little Italian general-type store which indeed was also a sort of butcher shop. You did not want to go in there on the day that Sam was making sausage! Just a suggestion, because I'm never happy with my own conclusions. Seems like maybe you could add one more line at the end to tie it together more, perhaps another crack like Drunken Donuts referring to our present times. Just an idea that flew between my eyebrows. Very, very nice piece - best of luck in the contest!
Your poem reminds me so much of one of my favorite Metallica songs, "King Nothing." It sounds like you're writing about that person, someone I'm well acquainted with. Look up the lyrics and you'll see what I mean. I like the honesty and the emotion, strength is obviously coming through. In the fourth verse, I think there's a typo, "quite" instead of "quiet." Just a suggestion, to me "cowardly" male sounds a little better. Really excellent rhyming, I especially like "true greatness you will never spawn." Very nice piece.
I'm at work and shouldn't have looked at the home page. Your title caught my attention and I had to read. This is a "hard-hitter," extremely visual. Although I have seen many pictures of hungry children, if I had not seen them previously I believe that your words would have brought a very similar image to mind. I am a social worker and an empath, so I have an innate tendency to take a look at the imbalances of the world rather than pass them by as most of our society does. The audience that will appreciate this work are likely similar individuals. Your poem shows a great deal of compassion, and I feel moved to say that because you took the time to address the issue.
Good rhythm and flow, and very deep. I work with the dying so anything to do with death draws me in. It's on the dark side but it still conveys the message that we are all the same when it comes to death. I'm not sure whether you intended the contrast of having it start off speaking of an "angel of mercy" and "relief" and then focus on the fearful aspect of death. I read it several times and don't really see anything that ties the two together. If you ever decide to revise it perhaps you could add something like that toward the end. Have you ever seen the show "Dead Like Me?" It's wonderful, and gives you an entirely different impression of what a Grim Reaper is! Chose this piece in the Random Reads and enjoyed it.
I absolutely love this. I am not someone who can sit still for meditation very often. Ellen DeGeneres did a piece in her stand-up act about meditation that I identify with - sitting there feeling stupid. I practice moving meditation in yoga and I am able to achieve the same feeling when I have the luxury of doing a nice, long session. My favorite lines are: "when you see your blindness....you will awaken...with your eyes open in the darkness" and "May your strongest perish-so your weakest can flourish." That second one is profound. And you absolutely blew me away with the end: "Swap space, and retrace." I may need to commit that to memory since I have a constant battle going on in my head between positive and negative. I think that this will appeal most to an audience that practices meditation, I know that it speaks to me. Excellent piece.
I absolutely love the rhythm and flow of this - and I sit here wondering, how did you do that? If you actually did just jot down a long string of thoughts and have them not only make sense, but become some semblance of an essay or even a short story, I bow to you. It has structure, meaning and is entertaining as well. I love the use of "think of these words as bread crumbs." It catches the attention and makes me want to continue reading. It also leads me to expect a surprise of some sort. I like your slightly cynical and sarcastic tone in spots. You definitely have a clear voice that puts forth emotion in a matter-of-fact way. It leaves me also pondering whether there is any difference between symmetrical and asymmetrical, indeed.
Very nice! My only complaint is that I'm going to have to look up Gioconda now. I am no poetry writer nor am I an expert - I do question the length of the first two lines. Should they be broken up into four? No matter, it's very visual and the emotion has a voice. Very enjoyable read.
What fun! Very well written and entertaining, as I love the spiritual and metaphysical so this is a subject that draws me in. I did see the end coming when all of his old friends appeared. I'm not sure that all readers would be able to anticipate that, could be just those who are familiar with the genre and subject. Your words depicted that very visually, and I could see it happening, feel the darkness of the cemetery and the night. The only suggestion I have is to make "spiritualist" plural when you are referring to a group. Very enjoyable read!
Wow. I chose this at random and I'm so glad that I did. Your subject is close to my heart for two reasons. First, I am a hospice social worker and work with the dying. Second, I have a middle child with "issues." Lots of them. Your story hit hard. You do have a way with words. I love, "...to hoist itself above the horizon." Although your story is very short, you get the emotions and lessons across clearly and with impact. Perhaps only parents or those who have had experience with a dying loved one will get it, I'm not sure. It doesn't matter because there is a very wide audience that will appreciate this. This would be an ideal piece to include in a collection of hospice stories (which I may be putting together in the future).
You stole my idea for my book! Just kidding! (But I am writing about the same topic). There are many who share your philosophy, we are lurking everywhere. I'm taking it that this is an introduction for a book? It's a very good one, and it invites me to want to read more and to form questions or answers in my own mind. I'm sure that you plan to clean up the sentence structure and punctualization so I'm not going to get into that. The sentence structure isn't all that bad. I see things like "Lets say your every dream can become a reality," when I would like it better if it were "Let's say that your every dream can become reality." That may be simply a matter of style and just my opinion. I am drawn in because it is a topic that I am very interested in, so I hope you get some reviews from those who aren't hooked in as easily as I am. Enjoyed the read.
I'm not a poetry expert nor much of a poetry writer but I do love to read. Keep in mind that this is just my humble opinion. I'm not sure that it flows well for me - but it is extremely visual and I got that right away. I can see the journal lying on the ground, feel the wind blowing, feel the loneliness and the heartbreak of the author. The journal now lies alone in an emotional wilderness as does the author. So, whether I feel that it flows or not, you made not only your point but also created a painting. Enjoyable read.
I'm not a poetry expert nor much of a poetry writer, but I do love to read. Please keep in mind that these are only suggestions. Your title drew me in and I definitely get the message of your poem! Very good rhyming - I like the use of some mild sarcasm in the first verse, "How truly auspicious!" I might say "But having dessert" instead of using "While" in the second verse and "Its wisdom to flaunt" in the last line rather than using "The." When I read the fourth verse regarding the in-laws, what popped into my head was that you were going to say that one of the in-laws might be in the bag (drunk), but I have a twisted mind. The only critique I have is the conclusion, I'm feeling kind of dropped, like there should be one more verse. I really enjoyed it, and it's a nice way to muse about a bad day.
Anything positive and encouraging always catches my attention. I am no poetry expert or much of a writer, so these are just suggestions. First, I like it, a lot! The only suggestion that I have would be either to change "coloring" to "color" - or, pick a word that describes the entire outward appearance - color, weight, level of attractiveness, etc. I can't think of a word right now but if I were writing it, I'd be looking in the dictionary or thesaurus to find one. Actually, that would probably involve several words, oops. Other than that, very well done and well done the way it is. I also like the title - it makes you curious as to the subject and I like the way you use it to begin each line.
I am so glad that you are writing! Keep in mind that I am no poetry expert. When I was younger, I wrote quite a bit of poetry. Most of what I wrote was edited and practically re-written several times before I felt that it was finished. I still do that with my essays and short stories. Nothing has to be finished today (unless there is some sort of deadline). Often leaving something and coming back to it later helps us to get more ideas to polish things up. I see this piece as a great first draft that could be a GREAT piece with some work.
I believe that I get the message you are trying to put across, and that's a lot right there. We are our own worst enemy and we must overcome our egos in order to grow, succeed and put forth right action. Whether we succeed or fail is up to us and not our perceptions or people or events that we see as our enemy, is that correct?
You can spell-check after you save and view your item, there is a little tab at the top that says Item Tools, I think. Most of your spelling is just fine, but in the last stanza you have egos spelled ego's and it doesn't appear to be possessive. I also don't much care for the word "differentiate." In the left sidebar under Writing.com Tools there is an "Ideanary" that can help you find other words. It's not perfect but it helps.
Feel free to give me a nudge if you edit and want me to look at it again. Keep writing!
I'm returning to writing as well after a few years of laziness. I really enjoyed this. When an author writes about issues like addiction, readers who have had some actual experience with it appreciate the writing more, especially if the author also has some personal experience. You have a good understanding of your character and his inner struggle along with how the addiction process works. I hoped that he'd make it through the evening but I had some serious doubts. I do wish he had. Your ending also leaves it open for another chapter.
Your spelling and grammar are great but there are some parts where although there's nothing all that technically wrong with the words, I think it would sound better with some changes. For instance, "could've" I think would sound better spelled out as could have. "a bit younger than him" I think would sound better as "a bit younger than he was." But that could just be a matter of style. I admit that I can get a little too picky and others may not have the same opinion.
Wow. You have nailed this in TWO ways. I married someone whom I knew was terminal and we only had two years together. I am now a hospice social worker and the scenarios that you have related can be connected to many of the wonderful people I've met in my job, some with even crazier and sadder stories. The piece held my interest and although I'm dead tired and it was a little long for me, I wanted to finish it and I'm glad I did, because I love the surprise ending, absolutely outstanding.
You might want to do spell check again, where you mention 5 o'clock I think you're just missing a space. Your grammar and spelling are impressive.
I also liked this part, but it seemed that the first sentence should be part of the paragraph before because splitting it is a little awkward, at least it was for me. I like the honesty: "I went for alcoholism. It was an intensive, 8-week rehabilitation program, and when I got there, Martha was already a patient. When I left, with a clean bill of health (even though I would relapse only a week later),
I also love 'menage trios,' that made me laugh. Before I got to the surprise ending, I was thinking that you could write for one of the companies that puts out grief booklets. Abbey Press/Carenotes created their company mostly by having everyday people write their little booklets, no PhD.'s required. Some funeral homes have also instituted programs of daily e-mails for the grieving and that may also be a possibility for you given the knowledge that you seem to have about grief. If you don't have that knowledge, you faked it pretty darn well. Excellent work.
Hello and welcome! I'm guessing that you're a younger person and I commend you for signing up and writing! Your story is cute, and I like it that you write the way you talk.
Since everyone pretty much knows what we do in everyday school and in Sunday school, it would be good if you explained what Saturday school is and why you have to go there. It could be serious or something funny or silly.
You probably already know that you need lots of work on your grammar and punctuation. This is written like you just wrote it really fast to get it out of your head and didn't bother to check anything. Just fixing up your grammar and punctuation will make it a much better story. If you check out some of the t-shirts and things WDC sells in the shopping section, you'll see that they did some really funny things with and without commas to show how the punctuation can make a big difference.
You might want to add something more to the end. For instance, does the teacher wave goodbye, do the other kids say anything, is it raining, etc. Or, do you have to come back next Saturday?
Wow, I have been wanting to write a story from the point of view of one of my dogs and haven't gotten around to it yet. This is really good! I like your style, I really enjoyed reading it and you really did take on the persona of the dog, very descriptive of his thoughts and feelings. Although we know that he's safe, you still left it open to add another chapter if you ever choose to. Nice work!
Very nice short piece that says a lot. I like the way you put a visual and actual physical feeling into describing how you feel - especially "my fingers are slipping from the rope that holds me up." Awesome work! I once heard a motivational speaker talk about how we have "blind faith." He compared it to the fact that we can only see something like 500 feet ahead of us with our headlights on at night, and we just have to trust that things are okay beyond that. Your poem reminds me of that, I thought what he said was very true and very inspirational.
Questions arise from the beginning and it's not clear whether they'll be answered, but that's not a bad thing because it makes one want to keep reading. The quick wilting of the roses when this is not typical make me wonder what is going on with the Princess that caused that? How long has this kind of thing been going on? Why would the prick of the thorn cause her serious illness? It seems a little choppy, as I had to go back and re-read several times to follow it. I like your visual descriptions of the characters but possibly sometimes there are a few too many words? For instance, the description of the roses is detailed but there's no description or explanation of how roses of that color came to be, what kind of roses they are, etc. And who the heck is Volny? LOL. The questions make me want to read more and hope that they'll be answered. It's a great beginning.
Five stars. I'm not a poetry writer and don't know all of the rules, but this really touched me both personally and professionally. I am "middle aged" and also work as a hospice social worker. Your poem flows smoothly, is easy to read, has deep meaning, is emotional, spiritual and visual. I can't find anything wrong with it. The piece is outstanding.
This caught my attention because I'm a professional social worker and a survivor of abuse and domestic violence. It reminds me of a quote that I heard this morning about how many times we have to learn the same lesson because it keeps showing up in a different pair of pants. I must say that I am very glad that it has a happy ending, I truly did not expect one. My favorite lines are "But not enough people tell the truth when you actually ask for it - Sometimes lying is necessary but most secrets are trivial." Tying your last line in with that "And they didn't want to look like liars" is excellent. You could take off on those and write an entirely new poem because those statements are so profound and true. Our best writing is often born from personal pain and experience. I am not a poetry writer nor am I an expert, but it felt like it could flow a little more smoothly. Excellent piece.
Love this! I especially love the visual of the bull typing with his hooves, and the facial expression of the human as she was "steamed" about having to wait for a computer. That made me laugh out loud, especially because she is personifying what one would expect the bull to look like in that state. And of course, living in a rural area myself with supposedly high-speed DSL that sometimes acts like dial-up, I definitely understand how it might be better to go to the library to work! Maybe I identify with so much of your writing because I'm a "bull" myself - a textbook Taurus.
I must still have my sense of humor because I do "get" you. I really enjoyed reading this and am looking forward to reading more of your work. I already know that you have an excellent ability to play with words - I envy that! and I love the descriptions of your alter egos. What especially jumped out at me was your reference to "Paying It Forward" as I definitely believe in that and make my best effort to live that way. Someone surprised me here at the first of the year by gifting me an upgraded membership, and I intend to do that for someone else as well - especially since they have no idea how much that blessed me. I've been trying to put that into words in my head for days so that I can write about it here. The puppy photos are a wonderful added touch. I was marveling this morning at my Beagle Boy's ability to make such human faces!
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