You have done a very good job writing this 500 word story with only one syllable words but I can’t think for the life of me why anybody would want you to do this.
Not your fault but it reads like a shopping list:-
Go to shop
Buy milk
Get some bread
Find some good fruit
Some kind of green vege
Even in a shopping list you would want to say, bananas, vegetables, biscuits etc.
I suppose it is a lesson in knowing words of only one syllable but I don’t know where you would use it.
Well I agree with a lot of what you have written here but not everybody is capable of becoming an author. For a start a good imagination is very important if you are going to write fiction. Second, I believe would be to know your language and know how to reproduce what you imagine, on paper or on your computer.
While I have been reviewing on writing.com I have noticed that many who have posted fiction have no idea how to describe simple human behaviour which is required even in fiction. They also appear not to have learned the basics of grammar, punctuation or how to write dialogue and yet they have finished their schooling.
If you don’t have the right tools for writing, how can you become an author? Of course you can take classes in writing, such as creative writing but some writers’ just need to learn how to write down the English language.
If you read some of the authors on this site you will get an idea of what I mean. Try the Newbies section where 13 and 15 year olds post their homework assignments, write poetry, short stories and novels!
Sorry, don't know what great country you are talking about. This site is on the world wide net and I am also living in a great country and was born in a great country but I never had any problem with the British but when you mention 200 years I assume you are in America. The Union Jack is on my flag but the British are not stopping me from being free. I am sure the people in Afghanistan and Iraq want freedom too, when is the US going to give it to them?
Going by the way you have written this article I also assume that English is not your first language. If so, very good attempt, well done but there is always room for improvement.
By the way, I have written this under the following:-
1.Right to freedom.
2.Right to equality.
5.Right to expression.
This is a very interesting essay Aster but unfortunately many countries have red white and blue flags. When I think of a red, white and blue flag I think first of Great Britain and it’s colonies and even though many of such are not called colonies anymore they still fly red white and blue flags. Countries such as the Fiji Islands, Australia, New Zealand, Falkland Islands and St. Helena actually have the Union Jack on their flags.
Examples of other red, white and blue flags are, France, Taiwan, Liberia, Dominican Republic and Iceland.
This is from the first paragraph of your essay, - ‘To some people, the mere word 'American' invokes a vivd image, a red-white-and-blue picture of battles won, farms tended, and homes made. A portrait of a people willingly subject to freedom, a nation of servants ready to be painted in the vibrant hues of ideals.’
To many people, the word ‘American’ sends them into a rage of hatred and loathing. Imagine countries like Korea, Vietnam, Afghanistan and Iraq who many would see as America being arrogant, aggressive and interfeering.
Apart from what I have said above, I think your essay is very good but had it been on the reason for red, white and blue and the history of the stars and stripes, it would have been more appealing in my view.
Great story, I think, where's the rest of it? I'm on the edge of something that is supposed to be horror, creepy etc. Please go on with this and tell us about the hotel, the room and the stranger.
The owner of what?
"You don't want that room........nobody does." - Who are the nobodies? Strangers? How do they know about the room?
The feeling is that I have started reading something in the middle as there is no beginning or end!
What are peculiar eyes?
Your idea is good and your dialogue is good so - "Please Sir can I have some more?"
This is certainly an unusual way of telling the history of two bands that started up in 1968, the "Led Zeppelin" rock band "Black Sabbath" the heavy metal band. I'm not sure who you expect your readers to be. For those who don't know Zeppelin and Sabbath they may expect to be reading about rocks in relation to early man and the Sabbath as in religion.
It is most certainly about worship of bands and how they are treated like Gods but perhaps part 3 could be about Elvis and you could call it "The Undead".
It is not clear to me whether you want to be a story teller or you just wanted to have fun writing on this subject and in this maner.
This is an excellent story but I feel it could have been a little longer. Where did the little boy come from and why was he alone in a farmland area? Also why do the following words in the middle of sentences have capital letters?
Nailing
Felt
Eyes
One
To
Someone
They seem to be unusual errors that stand out. Was the intention to perhaps emphasise them?
Very good imagination and well expressed but it took me awhile to work out who was who especially in the dialogue. It seemed as if there were suddenly a person named Loki and then it was mage and dragon. Perhaps I have just been reading too much today. The last line is excellent!
Please be aware that a spell checker cannot think and does not know the difference between to, too and two or the difference between your and you’re. There are many other examples such as this:-
Cut – cute
Use – used
Plain – plane
Plan – plane
The first word is the spelling error, cut instead of cute, the spell checker won’t pick it up because cut is also a word.
I am not picking on you in particular but many people don’t realise this problem with a spell checker. Grammar checkers can be a bit of a laugh, they can suggest that doesn’t make any sense at all!
Yes it sounds like a poem you wrote in five minutes. What did you expect to happen when you posted it here? Do you want to be a writer? There isn't even enough here to review! I have been going through a lot of the newbies trying to find somebody worth reviewing but it seems that most people who have posted in the last 2 hours or so are just bored silly.
So back to my question, "Do you want to be a writer?" Because if you do, then when you write something really good you might not have the chance to be reviewed!
This could have been a good story but it looks as if you just ploughed into it not thinking about how it would read to somebody else.
I found myself asking, "who is Lydia? who is Ray? Who is the Grey family?" "Was this a funeral service?" People usually sit down at such. You mention a Ceremony, was it a wake? Was it some gathering after the funeral service? Hearts don't just stop, a person has a coronary , a heart attack or a stroke. The driver’s door? One minute you're at a ceremony then you are leaning against the driver’s door, then there is....... in preparation for her 30th birthday..... Who's 30th birthday?
No, no, no, you don't celebrate with a birthday party on the day of a funeral! Who is Kyra?
If I were a school teacher I would be saying "Re write this and read it yourself before handing it back in." Have some patience and think about what you are writing and how you are writing it.
I have to start this review back at the second paragraph of chapter 1. –
‘The tunnel was silent. Xavier reached in his pocket and turned his music player on.’
I have to question, what kind of music player it was. I don’t know if you have mentioned a time period for this story but music player doesn’t mean anything. I assume he wasn’t carrying a boom box on his shoulder but if this story is being told in your time you should indicate that he switched on his (mp3) player and put the bud earphones in his ears or something like this. Also how did he hear anything going on if there was music (crashing) in his ears? Would he not have taken the earphones out so that he could hear what was going on when the action started?
If the music player is not essential to the story I suggest you (drop) it or at least have him remove the earphones.
‘He was perfectly content with lying down face first in the grass,’ – I don’t think he would be content any where in this chapter, certainly not at the beginning when he didn’t know where he was.
‘As he opened his eyes, the sunlight blinded him, and he could not really make out much more than her silhouette against the bright sun.’- I’m not sure, but if he could only see the girl as a silhouette I think she would have been blocking the sun. If you are about the position and the sun just ignore this. You see I can’t try it out as it is night time while I am writing this.
‘He sat up, and now that his eyes had gotten used to the brightness,’ – had gotten – not as good as – ‘were’ would be better or – ‘had become’.
‘From the hill, he could see a small city surrounded by mountains.’ – It is not clear to me how he could see a small city from a hill if that city was surrounded by mountains?
Don't just imagine the story; imagine the scene, the surroundings. Think of a place you know and change it to make your fictional place. Don't over describe, when describing in detail isn't essential to the story. If the house or what ever looks like an old English castle, then say that and only ad or subtract that which makes this your English type castle or what ever.
This chapter and the first can be very much improved and you are the only one who can do it. I could find so many faults with your writing but you have come so far since your first attempt that I don’t want to do that. I am sure I have said before, review it yourself and be sure that every word is exactly how you intend it. If you feel you can’t do that, then stop writing and read the work of a renowned author or authors and see how they write. Learn how to write by reading!
So P.H. you are now an Inspirational Town. This is certainly something better than the last time we were engaged. This is a very good idea, a way to show your letter writing skills, or not!
I am sure Gretel would appreciate this but she would appreciate it even more if you checked it over before you sent it.
'How are you all? It's been quite some time since I have seen your faces. I can’t tell how much I miss you. I really wish you were here, with me, in this new world.'
Hansel is writing to Gretel so at the beginning he should say something like - How are you Gretel and how are the family (mum, dad, brothers, sisters, husbands, nieces, nephews)? The readers don't know who your family is. I assume you don't mean the Hansel and Gretel from the story because they were dumped in the forest. When they returned home their father greeted them saying that their step-mother was dead. So if Hansel went somewhere and was writing home he would be writing to his sister and father.
I am sending you some GPs so that Hansel can save for a trip home but he needs to learn his grammar first or maybe only check his grammar. Of course English may not be his first language, which would make a lot of difference to his writing skills!
I don't know what age you are Natalie so it makes it difficult for me to review but I do think it is worth reviewing. I get the impression that you are under the age of 13 and have never owned cat.
I own a cat, or she owns me, and I have owned a dog but you seem to have the two animals mixed up.
Cats are not as likely to lick you as dogs are and the word muzzle is not usually used in relation to cats.
If I knew that somebody like this Nicholas was throwing a cat out into the snow as you have described and also not giving it food, I would be ringing some animal protection society. Kicking a cat would be animal cruelty and if the cat was registered with a Council in the name of your neighbours you couldn’t just keep him.
My cat is registered with our local City Council and she has been micro chipped. If she gets lost somebody may find her and take her to an animal pound. They will check if she has a micro chip and that will give them the information as to who owns her.
I think you could make this into a very nice little story but you need to study more about cats. Secondly you need to review your own work to pick up mistakes. For example:-‘ I waited for a few minutes. Then I ran toward my neighbor’s porch and scooped Gringo with my bare hands.’ Should be …..scooped Gringo up in my arms…..
…. the thought of keeping one gave me a string of guilt…. Did you mean a sting of guilt?
…. I ran toward the kitchen and darted a pile of fresh towels I washed in between bites of fresh apple and chapter seven of the novel I was reading at lunch time…. I don’t know what you mean by this….darted a pile a pile of fresh towels?……. And you continue with…..I washed in between bites of fresh apple and chapter seven of the novel I was reading at lunch time…
Why did you mention washing the towels but not drying them? A pile of freshly washed towels would have sufficed.
There are other errors like this but I think you should look for them yourself because I don’t want to go on find fault.
If you are in the age group I mentioned then it’s a jolly good try. Everybody makes mistakes so don’t take it to heart.
Great dialogue! This is the best dialogue I have seen since I started reviewing authors at writing.com but it is also the only dialogue I have read that isn’t part of something else. That is, as a play where it would also have descriptions, directions, movements etc., or actions, scene settings and descriptions as in a story.
I have reviewed writers here who admit they don’t know how to write dialogue as part of a story then there are those who send me an email and say I am cruel but I am happy to say that I have now reviewed dialogue that is just dialogue!
I would like to read more of your writing as long as it is not poetry because I am not so good at reviewing that but of course post anything you want to because there are plenty of other reviewers.
This is a very good short story, especially as it is written in the present tense but you have to watch out for wrong word tense as in the following:-
‘My friends and I lay in a circle beneath the shade of an old oak tree,………’
The word ‘lay’ should be (lie) as lay is past tense, in other words, it happened yesterday.
‘….laughing and whispering like teenagers will do.’
Will do, means it will happen in the future. ‘Do’ is all you need or even better:-
‘….laughing and whispering as teenagers do.’
‘I glance around the group surrounding me.’ You mentioned that you were all lying down in a circle. There needs to be a little more description here. If you were all lying down in a circle you would only be able to see the people on your left and right so you would have to sit up to see all of them. A semi circle might have been better and then some could be sitting up and some could be leaning on an elbow. To make it shorter you could perhaps say that they were sitting in various positions.
Try to view in your mind what you are describing then after you have written it, read it out loud and see if what you have written is exactly the way you picture it.
This is a very interesting article. I chose to join the Mormon Church when I was in my teens and I left when I was 21 which is a long time ago but according to the Mormons I am still a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I feel that I have been branded for life but fortunately I didn’t participate in any proxy baptism.
You have made it clear that you are against Baptism by Proxy but I have talked to people who are against the Pope and his power and others have told me that they don't like calling catholic priests 'father' and 'brother' or nuns ‘sister’.
We are always having things forced upon us in life, so no surprise that they are being foisted upon the dead.
For those like the Jews who have a different belief system I am sure they believe that the Mormon proxy baptisms will not be allowed by their God.
How many different religions have been started from one book, the bible, and if it’s contents are factually accurate then there should be only one faith.
Your grammar is of the modern style so I have been told I don’t know how to review that but I don’t think you should use conjunctions to start a new paragraph. I am referring in particular to the one’s starting with ‘but’ and one starting with ‘and’. I think this is the first time I have seen a one word paragraph!
This is a good idea and a story that should be told but unfortunately it is not well told.
I don't know what age group you are in or if English is your first language so I can only review what I see before me without knowing your history.
This story starts with somebody asking, "Burmese?" Was this a question about language or nationality?
You, the person she is talking to tilts his/her head. What does this mean? Nodding means yes and shaking the head from side to side means no. Perhaps it is different for different cultures!
How did you know the woman was Burmese? Was she speaking the Myanmar language? Or did you think she looked Burmese? Obviously she thought you were Burmese.
I have a Burmese friend but I thought he was Indian until he told me he was from Burma.
There are also problems with grammar, punctuation tense and word usage. I have heard of double decker buses and double beds, but not double decker beds. If they are single beds one on top of each other, they are bunks. Lower bunk, upper bunk.
This might have been better told in the first person where you could have stayed with ‘’I and not have to keep saying, she told me etc. For example:-
(My family was depending on me to earn money and send it home to them but how would they ever understand what I have had to endure. How will they react when I return home?
I went to Dubai to earn money, but I had been lied to about the type of work, the treatment and working conditions.)
‘I went’ is past tense.
‘I had been’ is past tense.
Watch out for has, had, have been, has been, is and will be.
Has – last known. He has a photo of his mother.
Had – doesn’t have it now. He had a photo of his mother.
Have – present. I have a photo of my mother, would you like to see it?
Have been – I have been out with my mother.
Has been – It has been a wonderful day but it is time to go home now.
Is – It is such a wonderful day, I must go to the beach.
Will be – I hope it will be a nice day to tomorrow because I want to go to the beach.
These are just few examples that might help you understand where you have gone wrong.
This is a quite well written and imaginative first chapter but some lines are a little quirky, for example:-
' Ivy stood alone in the clearing. Evergreen trees formed high fortresses around her as she rested against a sycamore, a few of which had grown by chance and seemed out of place among the pinewood forest.'
Ivy is in a clearing but the trees are forming a fortress around her. Is she or is she not in a clearing? A clearing would not be a good place to hide. In a thicket or up a tree would make more sense if you are trying to hide from somebody. When do we get know why she was out in the forest?
' It was no wonder that it was called Darkwood Forest, with its heavy scent and slanted shadows, only occasionally dappled with specks of weak yellow light' - Very poetic but scent of what? What does the scent have to do with it being called, Darkwood forest? Presumably the forest would have the scent of pine which is not usually foreboding!
Do the sycamore trees have anything to do with the story? If not then she could have just leaned against a pine tree. Then again, was there a lone pine tree in the middle of a clearing?
‘Ivy’s face, too, was shadowed as the sun climbed down over the horizon. It was silent as twilight descended, save for the odd lone call of a hawk as it soared, its wing feathers glinting malevolently in the soft orange glow of the sun.' - Why is everything or at least the sun and twilight descending. The sun climbed down over the horizon not the best description of the sun going down and then it still has a soft orange glow after twilight is mentioned. My understanding of twilight is the time when the sun has departed and only it's light rays are left in the sky as the stars begin to appear.
The first paragraph of your story is very important because you are setting the scene which should encourage readers to want to go on, to read more. Your first paragraph has me confused but I read on because I chose to review your chapter.
Of course your story is fiction but settings or scenes should be as real as possible. The aim of fiction is to write it so well that readers almost believe it is real.
In the next paragraph Ivy's hair falls into the shadows. Was she wearing a wig? Again, poetic but not believable. Her hair you have described as inky black but it would not blend in anywhere unless you also described a dark moonless night!
Near the beginning of your fourth paragraph you have written this -'......With Lord Adelphe's lax standing on interaction, Miss Harringam had often taken her age and her childhood mistakes to define Ivy as an eternal child. In her brown cotton dress, tight-fitted and garnished at the neck with a half-hearted flurry of white, Miss Harringam looked rather formidable.'- It is not clear who you are referring to as 'her' nor whose childhood you are talking about. -….to define Ivy as an eternal child. The next sentence starts with – ‘In her brown cotton dress…..’ This section needs reworking.
“I wouldn’t do it ma’am, only Miss Harringam ordered that I must pack them all, and I cannot disobey her, ma’am.” – There is a tense problem here. I think you mean, “I would be happy to oblige you Miss (your highness, Lady Ivy or what ever, not ma’am or madam) but Miss Harringham ordered that I must pack all of them and I can’t disobey her.
I have not reviewed past this because there are so many changes needed in the beginning.
You have mentioned that this is a draft of the first chapter of a novel. I would suggest that you further study grammar before setting out to write a novel. It would also be a good idea to review your own work and see if it is the way you want to express your imagination. Also try reading it out loud using all the punctuation for breathing, stopping and dialogue and I hope you will find yourself thinking things like, nobody would say that, or that doesn’t say what I meant. You may also find that there are too many words, unnecessary ones and that your punctuation is not correct in some places.
This seems to be a good story but not very well told. Using triple spaces makes the story look longer but it doesn't mean there is any more in it and it makes it harder to read. I don't even know where to start but the first paragraph is probably the best place.
The alarm went off at the usual time: 5:26 AM. I hit the snooze button immediately to shut off the disruptive rings, letting my wife sleep in, since, after all, it was her birthday today. Sliding the top of my light-skinned fingers across her blonde, wavy hair, I put my right foot against the scarlet rug below. Agonizing, it felt like the world’s weight was on my broken foot, and pain quickly followed; I slowly pulled it back up and let my other foot bear my weight. I had left the light brown wallabies on the lamp table, slightly out of an arm’s reach. At a snail's pace, I slid my upright body closer to the table to try and get the shoes I needed so badly. When I bent over to reach, I fell onto the floor, letting out bellowing grunts of pain.
.......to shut off the disruptive rings........(An alarm is supposed to be disruptive. It is supposed to wake you up from sleep. Secondly why do you have the alarm set at all, especially for 5.26 AM on a Saturday? The alarm doesn't wake your wife up, her brain is on Saturday sleeping in time so she only seems to hear the alarm when she needs to.
......I had left the light brown wallabies on the lamp table, slightly out of an arm’s reach.....(What are light brown wallabies apart from being small kangaroos?)
.....light-skinned fingers.....(How far does the reader have to go to find out what this has to do with the story?)
.....I put my left foot against the scarlet rug....(Having a broken foot, why didn't you use your right foot on the floor first?)
..... I slid my upright body closer to the table to try and get the shoes I needed so badly. (Why were the shoes on the table? Why did you need the shoes so badly, after all you could only use one, your foot was broken? You were only going to the bathroom, why did you need shoes at all?
There is too much detailed description that doesn’t move the story along.
That’s all I can review, it would take too long to review every line and comment on it. My suggestion is that you review your own work and see if you are happy with it.
I am reading this as a Music Essay but you seem to be having a duet with football. I have learned music theory, singing and piano but I can't associate it with football. As you are in the USA I presume football is American football. In the UK football is soccer and in Australia it would be rugby. I have never played any of them!
Music is an art and football is sport which you of course know. I understand that you are reaching a goal in music and you can reach a goal and kick a goal in football but if I had been given the choice, when young, to choose music or sport I would have had no hesitation in choosing music. Your debacle is in having to choose music or sport every year and you won’t be the only one.
Perhaps you are trying to do both and it is not working out and people are telling you that one is more important than the other. In the end, you are the only one who can decide so this decision making every year is what you have to get across to your readers.
Decision making is part of life whether you are at school, at University or you are a retiree. So if I have understood your essay correctly it is about decision making.
Apart from that, your grammar and spelling need some reviewing:-
Have you ever achieved something that you thought you could never do? (This is ok but it might be better as) Have you ever achieved something that you never thought you could?
......or date the person you have been crushing.......(I don't think you mean this!") You mean, the boy or girl you have a crush on:
......or date the person you have a crush on.......
......or date the person....( should be dated, not date, a problem with tense).
......They really and truly is not away to tell a story with this goal ;because,........
(this is better)......There is no way to tell a story with this goal because it happens every year.
An achievements like this has to be felt not told. (You have at least two other choices to make this sentence better):
An achievement like this has to be felt not told.
Achievements like these have to be felt not told. (problem with singular and plural).
There are other errors but you will probably find them yourself if you read your essay carefully.
Good writers are able to express what they feel and that feeling can be conveyed to others.
I know what you are trying to say but you need to review your work and ask yourself if what you have written is exactly what you want to get over to your readers.
We all make mistakes but many of them we can correct ourselves.
If you need help with a re write or anything to do with grammar etc., do not hesitate to email me. I hope somebody else reviews your work so that you can compare them.
Your dialogue is very good but you could give it some tweeking.
I'm viewing this as a short story and I am interested to know more about the people. May has a daughter named Sasha whom she forces into bed and commands to go to sleep. Do you think forces and commands are the best words? The little boy, Allen Brooke is sent out to the shop by his mother. The question is, why would a mother send out her little boy to do shopping where he has to cross roads? The readers need to know more about a mother who would put her child in danger
"To your evening walk?" Perhaps: "Off for your evening walk dear?" or: "Are you going for your usual walk?" 'To your evening walk sounds as if the sentence doesn't have a beginning.
"It's okay, sweetie. The honker is gone." The readers are left to assume that May said this and why is Allen's father there but not his mother?
What is so special about May's clothing and long hair? Who or what is she supposed to be? Personally I feel that there are a few items missing from this story.
Just a few hints on how you could improve this story.
This work has potential but I think you need to review it. I have tried to put tunes to it but I end up stumbling. When I learned music theory, one of the things I had to do was write music to lyrics. You may have some tune in mind in which case the lyrics would fit.
I don't understand why the verses have a division between them or were you thinking of a different tune for the second part of the verse?
I had some trouble with the word 'drive' which I assume means, a journey. The tunes I came up with seemed to give a country and western feel. Is this what you had in mind?
Was it the journey, the drive, that brought the mother and son back together or the desire of the mother to go and visit her son?
Quite well written but you need to learn to write dialogue and to use double spaces between your paragraphs.
Try a double space after the first two lines and a break between when he says, "Hello" and the following phrase.
(In that one word, the world suddenly slips out from underneath me. For that voice I would keep fighting. To listen to him forever, I would go through all the pain. But I know the decision is made, and I struggle to stop the tears. (A break after this might be an improvement too because you are going from thought to speaking)’
"Hey." I whisper. "What are you doing?" I pray that he is out an about, busy with something and that I can hang up and forget about saying goodbye.) Why doesn't she want say goodbye? Why did she make the phone call?
Please note that you have written an instead of and in the above. It is best to review your own work before you put it out for others to read and review.
This story is a good idea but it is not believable. I know it is fiction but certain things have to be followed because it should read so that people believe it is real. For example, death is not something where you ring up your boyfriend and say that you’re having your life terminated. As far as I know you can't have the plugs pulled because you are in pain, it has to be more serious than that. You also shouldn't talk about things like: "And remember when you told me you hoped I'd explode in a plane crash? And that you wouldn't care if I die?" This kind of thing should not be brought up. You should be talking about happy times.
I think you should do some research on people who are very ill, in a condition where someone might have to make a decision about the termination of life. Research is very important if you want to become a writer. Make your fiction as real as possible.
I like the way you wrote in the present tense and stuck with it. It is easy to slip into the past tense. If you made a mistake, I didn’t notice.
Last time I reviewed this type of story I was told that I was too serious and that it was just a bit of fun. As a person who has lived for a long time I am not horrified by this nor is it funny but the story has merit. You know how to write dialogue but you don't need such huge spacing between lines and paragraphs. I would suggest you review your work and you will see that you have some problems with tense.
You have the talent to write but I believe you can do better than this. I suggest a less gory subject, something you are more familiar with.
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