I like this story, I like where it’s coming from and understand that you have a good command over the language. The flow is very good too. This is one of those unique stories that nobody writes.
-"...although the hems of his pants and the elbows of his jacked showed considerable wear..."---I think that’s Jacket.
Now I am going to get dirty: Just in case you want to make any improvements. You don’t need to, it is fine as is. This is just my opinion. I am not an editor and am probably wrong about half of the suggestions I make.
As I said the flow is good but I think the pace is a little off. It is more paced like a novelette than a short story. That may also be due to the fact that there are sentences here that don’t necessarily contribute in moving the story forward.
For example:
-"...academic enrolled at the university here in town, and that he often could be seen strolling around town with a backpack and a camera."--- Here you have gone out of your way by having your character, the waitress, remember of an instance, where she heard something from somebody else, about OTHER events that take place outside of the setting of the story. That is complicated, unnecessary and does not help move the story forward.Remember, Marc, this is a short story; every word must count. What if your main person did something within the setting of the story that revealed character and pushed the story ahead?
Another subject that I want to talk about is the characters. You have two characters here, and plenty of words, yet I don’t feel like the characters are coming through the best they can. I don’t really feel how he feels and don’t see what she sees. Why not point things out that all the readers can connect to. Maybe the waitress's nail polish is faded and chipped away? Maybe she is old school and keeps her pen on her year, or maybe not? Maybe her uniform is clean and well kept but her watch is old and cheap. After all she is poor not shabby! I hope you understand what I mean.
I think you chose a great setting. A diner! I was expecting and explosion sense. I don’t think you completely capitalized on that. There is ample opportunity for you to bring us, the readers, into the setting. This place probably smells of all kinds of foods. We learn later that you character was hungry. What if he could smell all the dishes that went by? What color is the uniform of the attendants? Is the diner one of those dark, romantic ones, or a Denny's type? Touching on the 5 senses will bring a lot of life into the setting and also let us be on the same page as you are, as far as the setting goes.
Overall, I like your work, even though I see more potential in you as a writer. If you choose to work on this story please keep me in the loop. I would love to review it again.
Thanks for sharing this story with me,
You are a good writer, keep writing.
Ozhan.S.T.
Sarah this is very good work. You are a very good writer. You have managed to maintain a good flow. This story is obviously coming from someone with experience.
I could never do what you mothers do. I like the fact that you haven't added any unnecessary characters. This is about the mother. I don't think we value you enough!
You also were able to make a connection with your readers. Things that the reader can feel:
So she wept, a hand clamped over her mouth to keep him from hearing and all her strength spent trying to still her shoulders with each silent sob.I felt this. I actually felt tired. Great work.
I really don't see much that needs fixing. I did not find any mistakes!
If I were pressed for suggestions I would talk about senses; I think you can add more sense into the mix. How does the baby's room smell? is it warmer on the top floor? does she feel sticky? Does she hear the car engine come to life in the morning when her husband leaves? You know those kind of things that brings us into the setting.
but the story is great as is. I love it.
Thanks for sharing this with us,
I really enjoyed the read,
Keep writing you did a great job.
Ozhan.S.T.
P.S. I would like to see more short stories from you. You have the talent, you must indulge!
This is a great letter to obviously a great person. Yes, the sacrifices they make are great and this letter honors one for them all. We do hope to live in a world where these brave ones can come home. I appreciate your sentiments here and this is obviously and emotional letter that rings close to your heart. I am joining you in that sincere wish!
I do like the way you write and hope to read more from you soon.
Ozhan.S.T.
It is nice to read your opinion. It is particularly nice to me because I am right up your alley when it comes to religion and gods. You put forward a good argument. I have been working on something like this already. There isn’t mush for me to say here. This is your opinion and you wrote it down. Fair enough. Hopefully we will get to discuss this later.
Thanks for sharing your opinion here with us.
Ozhan.S.T.
Great story, easy flow, a very fine story line and a good format. It is very refreshing to come across a writer that decides to rely on good old story telling. I would have struggled to find a unique angle to tell this story, but you have told it like it is. Brilliant.
I am impressed by this story and hope you keep writing. I would really like to have had a point to make here, but there isn't anything else I would add to this story.
I would really like to read more chronicles by you. You have great skill in writing chronicles. Maybe you can find more unique stories in your family's past and elaborate on them. Let me know if you do, I would love to read them.
It’s a shame this story didn’t make it into the contest. I really loved it. I wasn’t sure If I would but it is a good story and well written. You maintain a good flow and occasionally reward the reader with sentences like these:
- “Probably praying over Love’s lonely grave,” she thought sadly
-she removed a red crayon from the box and in very bold text wrote “I'm done coloring now” on the wall near the phone.
What I like about this story is the fact that it feels so real. If this is your first Short story then you need to write more of them. I don’t really have much to contribute to this story. Just a couple of things to point out:
- He had already gone through five beers she saw as she pulled one from the plastic rings and closed the refrigerator. --- I think this sentence could use rephrasing. Maybe write it this way..." She noticed that he had already gone through five beers. “
Or
“Only one beer remained on the 6 pack carrier" Or something like that. I am sure you would know better, but that "she saw" in between is an eye sour.
-It was a cheap hobby that could soak up lots of time and she was poor with far too much time on her hands.--- Same thing with this sentence. A little awkward. Maybe rephrase to “This was the perfect hobby, since she was poor and had way too much time on her hand." Again, I am sure would frame a better sentence than that. As long as you get my point.
-"Turning the page she removed a blue envelope and checked the contents. Her passport and the airline ticket were just as she had left them.--- Why the quotation marks?
All together a great story and good writing.
Good job, Keep writing.
Ozhan.S.T
I can understand the sentiment here. Lets say I can relate to it. I always feel this way, when the old is gone and the new replaces it, just makes me sad and I guess it does that to some people more than others. So from the perspective this is a good story, the flow is great, and it does convey the mood too.
Now if there were anything I could pick at it would be the way the story began. I think the first paragraph should make it clear, some how, convey the mood that this is a biographical story. For the first two paras I expected something to happen.
I personally liked it, I have lost too many memories to time. Ring out the old, ring in the new I guess.
Thanks for sharing.
"and wondered is this all that I am. " I think you should add comething between "wondered" and "is" and you could also add a question mark at the end. maybe: " and wondered, is this all I am?" or "and wondered: Is this all I am?"
"I felt that aging and wondered about the future. These thoughts saddened me." I maybe wrong here but for some reason "felt that aging" does not sound harmonious. What about " I felt the aging" Your choice.
The writing was transparent and easy to read.
How do I feel about it?
"Perhaps this is what faith is. This is our eternal reality" are you alluding to something divine?
well, I do believe-and I think we agree- that there is an underlined state of being in which we all are much more alike as people and that the body as it goes through life traps and carries traits that maybe very different from who we really are. But I don’t know if that is divine. (If that is what you were getting at) I am not against the notion but I think that this level of thought is just too fluid to allude to anything at all.
That is what I think,
I enjoyed reading it; actually I was captivated and left to wonder.
Thanks for sharing.
You have a very good voice and definitely know how to write. I personally believe that you use your vocabulary wisely. I could not spot any mistakes either.
"Larry was the kind of friend that you tried anything with – at least once." Too good, I totally relate. We have all had one of those.
The story is great and I enjoyed the read. I am assuming this is a real story, since we never get to learn what Mrs. Eaton was doing at the grave site. Or maybe I didn’t get it.
Over all a great story.
Ok, I see what you are doing here. It’s a good story. But I still think you need to work on the language. Anthropomorphism is good thing to play with and I love doing it myself. But I must say it is a very tricky thing to play with. I don’t see why you need to name the bird and if you do why name him Dave? I don’t think it sooths the situation and I don’t think you need to name the bird at all. There is only one protagonist and that is the bird, there is going to be no confusion. Secondly since you have build not character for the bird, readers will assign one to him by his actions and the way the story is written here it gives the bird more of a human character than an animal one. Example: "Dave had spoken with some of his hummingbird friends, the ones that had found their One Flower, and they said it's usually found by accident." Now the Idea of personification in this context would be more to make the reader relate, to understand a birds world better, not to make the bird a human character.
I think you have a good story here, and I believe you are a good story teller. Just read it again after you have written something else and see if you know what I am trying to get at. Remember no story is written, every story is rewritten.
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