I love the ending. Closure, and of course, I relate...although, here in Mexico, am more terrified of ubiquitous mosquitoes (my feet seem to always have the Chicken Pox).
Cliché?
"Things that went bump / in the night?"
Heard it so many times; is it allusive?
Guess it works that way.
Is this line supposed to be differently justified from the rest of the poem:
"The fear of night scares"?
Seems to be off-kilter. On purpose?
As you've heard so many times, a very enjoyable piece. Sure I will remember it (probably just before I drift off sometime) and, had I a child, I would read it to him/her tonight.
A bit cliché, no? "I stumble in the dark corridors of my mind"
Tense clash here--from present, suddenly to past, though we're still in the same moment...awkward: "The signpost to my right is wordless, blank arrows shooting towards an unknown future. I drew my coat around me, and started to shiver violently."
I very much like the "tarry" asphalt, and this: "mist brushes against me, leaving my skin clammy and moist."
I like this, too: "idyllic expanses of green, past bubbly springs that threw water droplets into the air, like little crystals flung with careless abandonment." Vivid and pleasing.
Not feeling the rainbow section...too cartoony for my taste.
Tense clash again: "We gazed in awe at their solemn majesty, respectfully silent with our heads bowed, in tribute to the pain and hurt of a past life. We stare into each other’s eyes, and promise never to be buried in this graveyard of shattered dreams." Pick one.
Your descriptions of water are magical. Very enjoyable.
I also like the notion of scent disappearing altogether. Feels virtual; colder.
I appreciate the meaning behind this, but a bit trite: "a bewildered child left alone without a compass." Consider a fresher image.
"head" is repeated in the last paragraph. Consider changing one.
I very much enjoyed the ending, but am not sure I like the words "City of Despair." Again, a bit trite (in my opinion...).
Fantastic imagery: " Ivy had grown up across it giving the impression of a wicked gaping maw, and two rounded hallow holes for eyes."
Consider making "noises" singular: "The wind in the trees was not the only noises..."
Should be spelled "to": "comfort too the sudden..."
Do you mean the silence was "deafening"? I like the idea of "defining" silence, though I don't quite understand it. Might be a little too close to the usual "deafening silence," (also a cliché).
I like the tension here: " I decided to hide in the car. I got in and locked the doors, and realized Bob had the ignition key."
Consider omitting "and" and beginning a new sentence: "and the world turned black."
This story kept me interested and my heart racing.
Consider adding a little more character detail. I had a hard time picturing you and Bob.
Fine job.
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