Hello Joe E. ;

I am reviewing "Just A Nightmare"  as a student of the "Invalid Item"  and I would like to offer you some comments. Please note, before I begin, that I am not an expert at reviews and the following comments are provided with the best of intentions!

The overall feel: Your story was strange and uncomfortable, which I think is what you were going for! It was a creepy story that left me wanting more, and I ended up visiting your port and learning more of the story with "A Good Night's Sleep" .

My favorite lines:I flew out of the master bedroom and retreated to my room. I sat in the corner of my bed until night turned to dawn and the grey light of the morning’s sun crept in through my blinds

I liked these lines because your use of words set the scene (the grey light of the morning's sun), and because the lines help to demonstrate the level of fear experienced by the main character.

Plot: You have the beginnings of a good plot. You describe patterns of nightmares and general discomfort experienced by the main character, and you make it clear that, over time, the nightmares get worse. However, the plot feels otherwise disjointed. Why did these nightmares begin? Why did the nightmare creature target the main character, yet have others in the house scream? It is clear, from your second story, what happens to this character. How, when he was awake the whole time?

Characters:What I liked, is that you have a knack for describing what happens to the character, and this really helped me, as a reader, develop an understanding of the character's actions in the scene. I do think that your story would benefit from development of your main character. For example, you describe the main character as a boy and tell the story in the first person, however the language and descriptions are not those used from the perspective of a boy, rather an adult. I think this adds to the disjointed feel, and makes it difficult to truly empathize with the character.

Setting:You make the setting clear to the writer, which was a great benefit to the story. I think that your setting was the best written component of your story.

Grammar, structure and flow: As I indicated previously, there was some disjointed components of the story which affected its flow. For example, what was the point of the eye twitch that you began the story with? By the second paragraph, it was clear that the eye twitch was not an important part of the story. This affected my ability to get hooked at the beginning.
I was really impressed by your sentence structure, and noticed few grammatical mistakes.

What I liked most: You have the components of an excellent thriller, and I could just imagine a nightmare character moving, slowly, toward the frightened boy.

What I would most like to share with you: You have an incredibly creative seed of a story, and I would love to see it in full flower! I believe in this story, and if you decide to rework or revise it, I would be happy to come back and re-rate it for you.

I hope some of the feedback I have provided is valuable. Feel free to discard anything that is not, and above all...Keep Writing!

Hello KerrieAnnS ;

I am reviewing "The Best Day of My Life?"  as a student of the "Invalid Item"  and I would like to offer you some comments, particularly as you have been so giving with your time and your reviews, for me :)

The overall feel: Kerrie, I was blown away by your story! As a reader, I was swept away into a story which was laden with emotion and anticipation. I struggled alongside Jenna as she made her way to the altar.

My favorite lines:She smiled, the plastic smile she had grown so accustomed to. Reaching over she took his hand.

“I don’t need wine, I have you and that is all WE will ever need.”

I love these lines, because you have seamlessly integrated prior story elements into the conclusion of the story. You seemed to effortlessly create a character whose struggles I can easily empathize with.

Plot: In a short span of time, I felt that you were able to bring a plot from an introduction of the characters and general story line, to an incredible climax at the altar. I couldn't tear my attention from the story! I thought this was an incredible feat to accomplish in relatively few words.

Characters: Jenna was characterized beautifully. Your supporting character that stood out the most, after Jenna, would certainly have been Kevin. The other characters appeared somewhat two-dimensional, which I think was entirely appropriate considering you had written a short story.

Setting: I think you did a good job of setting the scene by describing Jenna's appearance, and the bridesmaids fluttering around her. It was a little difficult trying to identify wherethese girls were, as you indicate that she moved into the snowy gardens where Kevin joins her, yet the bridesmaids do not notice him. This did not significantly affect the flow of the story, however.

Grammar, structure and flow:There were a few grammatical 'bumps' that I noticed. Normally, small issues like this effect my ability to enjoy the story, however I have to say that your story flowed so well and was so striking, that I barely noticed the grammatical changes that needed to be made (despite my wanting to pay attention to them!)
I think the biggest thing that I noted with respect to grammar, was that there were a few times your sentences ran together. An extra common, or semicolon, may help to separate the ideas. Two examples included:
The gardens were beautiful, massive, a winter wonderland and they were just too much.
Dropping the jacket in the snow she turned her back on him escaping back to the cacophony that had driven her unknowingly into his arms.

Suggestions for improvement: In the second-last section, I was a little confused. I was not sure when Jenna transitioned from the back of the room to the front. After some reflection, I realized that it was Jenna "tearing her gaze" from Kevin that caused the problem, as, from what I remember of being married, the question is asked after the bride and groom are in front of the minister, and Jenna being at the front of the room, yet turned around and staring at Jevin, would likely have seemed strange.

What I would most like to share with you: Your story brought me to tears at the end. Truly, I felt Jenna's pain and determination. Her need to provide a good home for her unborn child, and her love that was lost, and it brought me to tears. Amazing!


I hope some of the feedback I have provided is valuable. Feel free to discard anything that is not, and above all...Keep Writing!

Hello percy goodfellow ;

I am reviewing "Crisis 3: The faceoff"  as a student of the "Invalid Item"  and I would like to offer you some comments. Please note, before I begin, that I am not an expert at reviews and the following comments are provided with the best of intentions!

The overall feel:When I read the story, the feel I developed from it was tension, on all sides, that went through some interesting developments by the end of the story.

My favorite lines: By far, my favorite line is the end line: Let the matter rest, spoke a voice from within. “Until tomorrow then,” he replied with self assurance, “and discovery of what the new day brings.”
I loved this line for two reasons. It leaves the reader in suspense as it hints of difficulties to surmount in the future. This makes it an excellent ending to your present piece! Also, it succinctly demonstrates that Lord Koltar is a smart, patient, and precise man, adding to the reader's understanding of this character despite the limited use of words.

Plot: The plot was a little confusing. I understood that the Buffalo Tribe was preparing for war (suicide) against the Wardarians. To this end, they had sent the women and children away. Yet, Prince Koltar leads the Wardarians and the Buffalo Tribe recognize him as a ruler, in a way. The chief to the Prince that they were expecting another enemy, but there was no indication of surprise or confusion when the enemy was seen to be the Wardarians. Are they, or are they not, at war? Are they truly fighting against another enemy, and if so, why did they not stand down when they saw the Prince was coming?
Despite my confusion on this point, it was clear to me that there are some tensions between the two camps of people, and their alliance is strained.

Characters:You have done an incredible job of developing several characters in a very short time. I noticed that, following the dialoge between the two main characters, I had developed some level of sympathy and understanding for Prince Koltar, Rindar, and Ranthome. I was left wanting to know more about Volusia, who seems to play a crucial role in the story.
Having said that, there were some inconsistencies in the characters that created some confusion. As I noted, my impression of Prince Koltar was that he was smart, restrained, thoughtful. His outburst, "SHE'S MINE!" Koltar all but screamed; it did not appear to be in keeping with his character.
Also, Ranthome was ready to war and die against the Wardarians, knowing they outnumbered him. As he did not stand down immediately, it made me (as the reader) assume that he did not trust the Wardarians, did not hold them in high regard, and by extention, Prince Koltar. Yet, when the Prince asks him to sit closer, 'that all may see we are conversing as friends', you write that Ranthome could hardly believe the honour. Again, this created some confusion.
Finally, the Prince commands that Ranthome go find his family. Ranthome's main concern is that Volusia is now the Medicine Woman, yet does not appear at all interested in recruiting or requesting help to keep the settlement safe from Lord Marcutti.

Setting: As most of the story was structured around dialogue and was obviously not the whole story, you did not devote a lot of time to the setting. I do not believe the story suffered for it, however, as I feel you incorporated enough setting to give me (the reader) a good understanding of where I am and what the characters are doing. I particularly like the details about the defenses that the tribe developed.

Grammar, structure and flow:There were a few things I noticed:
-"the Great Lord seeks an audience. What do you suppose he wishes to discuss?(Change the period to a question mark)
-“A ripple of nervous almost hysterical laughter chortled along the line of tribesmen leaning forward on their spears…” I would get rid of the quotation marks and add a comma after nervous and hysterical. I would also change ... to .
-“This isn’t even a contest…replied the Chief. “A snap of his fingers and we would all be dead.”. I would change to “This isn’t even a contest," replied the Chief. “A snap of his fingers and we would all be dead.”
-You use ellipsis a lot throughout the story, and I wonder if it may be helpful to reduce that use, particularly when they are not being used in the context of a sentence half spoken.
-Gathering his dignity, Rathome, straightened his headdress, and swept his buffalo robe about his shoulders. I would delete some commas in the sentence: Gathering his dignity, Rathome straightened his headdress and swept his buffalo robe about his shoulders.
-“Margoles go and do the same,” The prince told his herald… “Have the Squadron make bivouac.” I would add a comma after Margoles. I would delete the ellipses after "herald" and substitute with a period.
-Make no apologies,” said Koltar, struggling with the words. The thought of Volusia laying with a Buffalo warrior, did not rest well with his sentiments. still he reasoned, taking a deep breath, without that intervention she would be dead and the children too… When you italicize, the impression is that this is Koltar's thought, however the statement does not sound like it would naturally come from Koltar, but rather from the narrator. I would also italicize the word "still" and add a comma after it.


What I liked most:I loved the story and storyline! Your dialogue was interesting and kept me hooked to the end. You have developed a fascinating story and entertaining characters in what seems to be only a few short characters. Brilliant!

What I would most like to share with you: This story is truly interesting, and I am looking forward to lurking around to read more! I have given the story 3.5 stars, and I would be happy to come back and re-rate it for you once the mentioned corrections have been made.

I hope some of the feedback I have provided is valuable. Feel free to discard anything that is not, and above all...Keep Writing!

Hello StarlessJack ;

I am reviewing "In the Shadow of the Storm - Chapter 1"  as a student of the "Invalid Item"  and I would like to offer you some comments. Please note, before I begin, that I am not an expert at reviews and the following comments are provided with the best of intentions!

The overall feel:The story was intense and action packed. Although there were a few bumps in the flow, the story kept my attention throughout and left me with a lot of questions. Your characters are people that I would love to know more about.

My favorite lines: I loved the line, "preparing to make immediate and volent use of his advantage in reach...", both because this is clearly describing Ingvarr's action, and because you are tying it in to the some of the information you provided earlier on in the story.

The Plot:You begin your story in the heat of battle, and keep the action going throughout the chapter. You allow the reader to get a sense of the plot between scenes of bloodshed and gore. While this keeps the level of anticipation high, I honestly think you have the beginning of a few chapters here, because the details of who is fighting, who is involved, and why, could be developed much more and would help maintain the reader's interest, as at this point, the plot description seemed rushed. I think this came from your need to rush the details of the story between fight scenes, in order to maintain that level of anticipation.
After reading your chapter, I came away strongly feeling that I have not finished reading the first chapter to a book, but the middle of the book. Your level of action/climax is strong - this is quite a talent!

The Characters:From what I understand, you are attempting to develop the characters of Ingvarr, Kendryek, and Modred. I think you have done a good job of introducing the character of Ingvarr, although the details on Kendryek and Modred were few enough that they could almost be the same person to me. You have also managed to do a good job of introducing Fyodor, a character who really grabbed my attention. I am a person who loves the details of character interactions, and you managed to clearly describe the two men, their relationship, and their differences, in a way that made their interactions come alive.
I would like to know more about each of the characters - who are they? Why are they here? What is their significance? And for goodness sake, what is the word with the Elf?!? The elf's appearing in the first third of your story made me wonder if all of the attackers were elves, since you said that the people to the West were smaller. It made me hesitate in my reading, as I wondered why you would take pains to identify the elf. Yet, later in the chapter, you did a good job of describing the significance of the elf, even if you didn't explain why the elf was fighting with those not of his own kind, or why no one else seemed to care that he was part of the fighting!

The Setting:The details of the setting was kind of murky. You identified that the people attacked slept in tents, but I am still not clear if they were living in their homes or if they were migrating. You indicated, in Ingvarr's second scene, that they were in the woods, and there was a few hills around, but why were horsemen making their way in the woods, and why were the soldiers Ingvarr attacked not on horses?

Grammar, structure and flow: I have a few suggestions for you, in this area. In your first line, you state 'as the bright orb dropped below the jagged line of the horizon, the light which had been provided by the sun was replace by that given off by flickering flames'. I felt that this sentence was too wordy, and it seemed that the second half of the sentence was redundant. That said, I loved the descriptive manner of your writing in the first half of the sentence!
The flow of your sentences were a little jerky, and I think that reconstructing some sentences by minimizing unnecessary words and, in some cases, adding descriptors, would be valuable. For example, you could change "The two men went down, struggling on to the floor" to, "the two men collapsed, struggling, on to the ground". As the event occurs outdoors, they likely are not on a floor, and collapsing is more descriptive than 'went down'.
Other examples of where words may be minimized: In paragraph two, you could change "the lumps of bodies" to "lumps of bodies". You could also lose the word "around" without much effect. A final example is "As his eyes adjusted to the darkness, a shape thundered in the darkness". Again, the sentence is a little redundant and could be reworked to enhance the descriptive content of the sentence.
Another point I would suggest is ensuring you use Ingvarr's perspective when writing. There were a few times where you described things your main character could not know, and it resulted in my feeling that I was suddenly moving away from the picture of the story. An example of this is when Ingvarr encounters a group of enemies, and the two remaining are described as being terrified. Rather than merely stating their affective state, could you instead describe what Ingvarr sees? I know nothing about these enemies, but a descriptor of white faces, or unsteady hands, or a slight hesitant manner which gave Ingvarr the advantage...would result in a smoother flow of the story.

During this scene (and by the way, for all I am pulling the scene apart, I really enjoyed it!), there were a few other hiccups that were related to word use. You use 'with' twice in one sentence, and I thought that sentence could be reworked..."...dowing two men WITH brutal horizontal strokes WITH his axe...". You also stated "...when their wits returned..." I had to stop reading to try and determine whose wits you were talking about. Finally, you describe a scene where one of the men are brutally beaten. This did not make any sense to me; why would two adult men...soldiers...stand around and watch their comrade being beaten without using the advantage to put a sword in Ingvarr's back? The following paragraph is also a little confusing. You indicate that fear slowed the man to the right. In my mind's eye, this means that the man on the left attacked first, and the one on the right lost his life. Yet, before Ingvarr was done killing the one on the right, the person on the left went from an attacking thrust to running in the opposite direction without pause. It doesn't make sense to me. Maybe if he faced Ingvarr then ran when he realized the odds were 1-1, it would make more sense.

There were a few other areas where some inconsistencies resulted in a disruption to the flow of the story. In the beginning of the story, you describe Ingvarr as coming upon a scene from his nightmares, yet as we continue in the story we realize that Ingvarr is a seasoned soldier. The two facts seem incongruous. In the second paragraph, you talk about the lumps of bodies being exclusively garbed like Ingvarr. I was confused, because if they are wearing the same clothes, it would leave me to believe that Ingvarr would know the people. So, why not talk about faces he recognized? And, when we find out later that he is like, but separate from, the tribe whose safety he is ensuring, why is he garbed the same? Is he a tribemate or not? And if he is, why did the leader of the people who saw Ingvarr as a forerunner not know Ingvarr ahead of time, thus not know he was a forerunner?
A different type of inconsistency was related to the second time you discussed Ingvarr's size. You end the description by stating "...as his thought process concluded...", however it did not seem that Ingvarr's size is, or should have been, something he was actively thinking about in the heat of battle.



Suggestions for improvement: In the second line, you talk about the way the camp settled down. I felt that you could have been more descriptive; as I was reading, I noticed I was hesitating during this description. Which adults put the kids to sleep? Which go to check the pens? It seems like half do one job and half the other, but I am sure this is not what you meant. Ultimately, the 'picture' in my head just didn't make sense. Rather than focus on tasks as the single descriptor of events, could you tie in this line with the first by describing the camp being busy with nighttime activity? You may be able to elaborate on that a little easier :)

Twice in the story, you talk about Ingvarr being over 2 meters tall. I think you transitioned to this explanation much more smoothly the second time, and I would probably take the first out, except perhaps for some surprise on Ingtar's part about how exceptionally small the man was, even considering he was a large man in the first place.

Finally, at the end of the chapter, in Modred you write about "one in five men". This seems kind of random. Could you describe the patrol, including the role and location of the scouts (which do not seem to be part of the one in five), and describe how each patrol is divided into squads?


What I liked most: I was so happy when you described more about the Elf! That elf was a question unanswered in my mind and I enjoyed learning more about him! Just wondering - did he actually order the lords, or only attempt???
I also liked the pace of your story. You have a lot of action, and I am truly hopeful that you expand on all this action and develop a few excellent chapters out of it!

What I would most like to share with you:I think you have officially received the longest review I have ever written!

In all seriousness, I genuinely believe that you have the potential for a great novel here, and I would love to read more. Please continue to write this story, and if you like, send me an email for additional reviews.
I do think there is a lot of editing to be done in this part of your story and consequently have given it three stars. I would be happy to come back and re-rate it if you decide to edit or expand your story.

I hope some of the feedback I have provided is valuable. Feel free to discard anything that is not, and above all...Keep Writing!