\"Writing.Com
*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/orcanerd
Review Requests: OFF
16 Public Reviews Given
16 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by OrcaNerd Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a sweet story, but I think a few tweeks could improve it.

Perhaps I am nit-picking, but it didn't make much sense to me that the boy ran off with the kite and his grandmother was patting him on the back in the same paragraph. Was she running beside him? Did he circle back to her?

Also,toward the middle you say "I spent the summer at Grandmas. Each day brought new adventures." The first sentence tells us he spends his summers this way, so it seems redundant. Perhaps you could place the sentence about new adventures in opening paragraph?

Lastly, the sentence "It was a long summer without Grandma, but as young boys do, I was able to move on" does not make sense to me. What does moving on have to do with being a young boy? Everyone moves on eventually, not just young boys. Was it harder for his parents than for him? Did his naivete about death make it easier for him to move on? Did he get distracted by other things?


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
2
2
Review by OrcaNerd Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Many people try to oversimplify others by summing them up in one word or phrase; there is more to any individual that any given trait.
3
3
Review of Untitled Emotions  Open in new Window.
Review by OrcaNerd Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Thinking aloud, a general impression:

I was kind of hoping this was about hypothermia, but it's about jealousy. I've always thought of jealousy as being a hot-headed emotion. Ice can certainly burn, but I don't think a cold heart would tend toward jealousy....maybe the ice is from the getting the cold shoulder, an unrequitted love?
4
4
Review of Getting started  Open in new Window.
Review by OrcaNerd Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Good advice! Or perhaps I only like it because that's what I finally decided to do?
5
5
Review by OrcaNerd Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
I like the rational ending. Too many families see their loved one as "gone" after Alzheimers progresses to a certain point.
6
6
Review by OrcaNerd Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
This is a nice twist to the scenes of a boring ballroom romance like those typical of Jane Austen wannabe's. I think this could be a nice piece; it is well written and has a good flow. However, there are some distracting inconsistencies and incongruities. This is long and I do hope you find it helpful. I think you have skill, but it needs some polishing.

There are some grammatical errors. You have some misspellings, such as "humanities" for "humanity's" and "weather" for whether." You also describe aromas as "comely." Comely refers to visual pleasantness specifically.

I'm not certain if this is supposed to be a 3rd or 1st person narrator. It seems to be primarily 3rd person, but there are bits that are first person. For example, " A moment of music swept her sister and Charles away as she shifted uncomfortably. What now?" "What now" is distinctly first person with both sentences on either side being 3rd person. If you are intending to convey her thoughts, it would provide greater clarity to give these thoughts a new line to themselves, put them in quotations and note she is pondering. Ex: "What now?" She pondered with anticipation, annoyance, etc. It also provides a means to portray the character's emotions and perceptions.

There is too much focus on the environment and describing everything. I do think you describe things very well and clearly and I admire the attention to detail you provide, but it is distracting and I think it could be better placed. I would suggest selecting a few important details for a few objects of importance. For instance, setting a scene, an item with significant meaning to the character or what conveys a vital aspect of her personality, focus on those and let the reader imagine the rest. You describe the ball scene beautifully and I think the attention to detail works well for scene changes. You might try removing the descriptions of the room and furniture to the very beginning and use it as an opening rather than having it amidst the conversation and character interaction.

I really enjoyed the part about her reminiscing on her mother's alcoholism; it was beautifully written and displayed the truth of the situation without spelling it out. I'm not sure if this is just how it appears when posted, but I think this needs it's own paragraph. It really gives a feel of her background and history as an upper class woman with family secrets.

As for the conversation, it moves well, but it isn't consistent. I have a hard time believing an upper class woman of good breeding and social status would EVER say "lame" or "cheesy" even in her private apartments or thoughts. You actually do a good job conveying this high status with their speech, which makes it all the more distracting when you let slang slip in. I also find it hard to fathom that such a person would not have been drilled with social etiquette from a young age, which she hasn't been. This is evidence by how inarticulate she is when she first meets Charles. A lady of proper breeding would know how to fake it. On the same note, everyone seems terribly forward! "You really are beautiful" and "Gorgeous girl?" Maybe I've read too much Jane Austen and my expectations are biased or maybe you paint the high society scene too well. You might try a metaphor, such as "You're a spring bloom in winter!" or some such variation on "sight for sore eyes."

Miss Bell seated herself??? A flirty waitress? What sort of establishment is this??? Pencil skirts? Onion rings? Oregon? I think this is a major issue. You need to clarify your setting, time period, who's who and the reason for what is going on. I was thinking this was the early 1800's, and a rich family of the most proper and arrogant status. The idea of over proper etiquette and propriety is repeated bluntly, however there are details that show this isn't the case at all. Oregon wasn't a state until 1859, so she must be really on top of things to know of it and it's terrain. It wasn't more than frontier land and I doubt one of Alex's standing would have ever been there; old money tends to stay in one place for generations. Onion rings weren't around until the 1930's- the depression had ended and Hitler came to power. Pencil skirts- 1908 to present. These hoity toity families were still around in this era, so it isn't an issue for the timeline. Some may have an issue with onion rings being at a fancy dinner, but I can imagine this being OK in Charleston, SC or New Orleans, LA.

These anachronisms could work if you rewrite this as a satire. I'm really not trying to give you a hard time and I apologize if I seem to be.

As for the conversation, it moves well apart from the aforementioned inconsistencies. You really do write well. I would suggest making the conversations less blunt and forward. Why did Alex mention men have it harder? This seems an odd time for deep reflection on current standards. Were they already in a debate about them? Does Alex have a penchant for ranting or delving more deeply into a topic than is fitting a young woman in her times?




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
7
7
Review by OrcaNerd Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Neat poem! I might be biased, since H2O is my favorite molecule. It's truly a spectacular little thing. I like the imagery you used. At first I thought this might be a poem that uses too much imagery and doesn't make a point since it is so focused on describing something, As the poem progresses, that is clearly not the case, the first verse sets the scene and tone nicely for the preceding verses.

While I like this poem, there are some thematic changes I would make and you may disregard or consider this at your volition. I hope this doesn't come across as arrogant.

I like to connect dots and themes, so when I read this, intended or not, I see a theme of natural cycles, specifically the sun and water cycle. Were it my poem, I would remove the blue hues from the first verse and add different colors as though watching the sunrise. It seems now you have 2 afternoon verses, an evening/morning verse and a night verse. You end by alluding to the water cycle, so why not strengthen the cyclic theme by changing the the first verse to describe the morning and letting the morning have its own verse? Right now, the blue-ness of it lends the read to believing it is already late morning at least. You also mention sunrises in the third verse. Then, you have this imagery of morning sunrise evaporating the dew to kick off the water cycle (I'm a science nut, so I like the water cycle) and the poem, the afternoon forming it into clouds, the sinking of these clouds and sun in the evening and the night time rain to end the cycle and poem. 3 cycles in one.

Write on!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
8
8
Review by OrcaNerd Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
I like the imagery you created in this piece. You certainly captured the sense of stepping back and observing someone from a distance even though you are talking to her to place your order. I would like to read more details on what made her catch her eye. Is someone this friendly rare in your area/experience?
8 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 1 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/orcanerd