\"Writing.Com
*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/onislayer
Review Requests: OFF
48 Public Reviews Given
105 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of Charlotte Corday  Open in new Window.
Review by Oni Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Novel Review Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Hi Khan, I'm critiquing this as part of the "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window. . This is just my opinion of what I read, feel free to ignore anything that you disagree with.

Title: Charlotte Corday

Chapter: Chapter 1

Author: Wrath of khan

Plot: Charlotte faces her imminent execution

Style/ Voice: Seems third person. A little too passive at times. Try to get rid of some of your hads. You used a fair amount of adverbs but I leave that to you to judge if you overdid it. You did have at least one similar sentence structure repetition but the story was so good I didn't notice it.

Referencing: My one issue here is the PoV at the beginning. It could be considered bodiless but I will assume this was what Charlotte could see from her vantage point in the wagon.

Scene/Setting: Fine. Could use some more sense of smell. IF there was a huge mob and nearby executions and rain, what did it smell like?

Grammar: Seems fine for the most part.

Characters: Well portrayed

Just My Personal Opinion: I enjoyed this. The beginning despite lack of immediate protagonist PoV was good. The ending was very good. Tweak your passives to make some parts more active, take a look at your adverbs, add some more sensory detail and you have a gripping start. There is no line by line included because anything suggested above is easy to see and really does not need to be highlighted. You have a firm grip on this chapter already.



2
2
Review by Oni Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Here’s a little cheer from a Coffee Shop for Fantasy Society Elf Raider!

You have been raided by an elf from "The Coffee Shop for the Fantasy SocietyOpen in new Window.in the spirit of the peace!

I enjoyed this story. interesting characters, conflict, well written. The only slight thing I can take away form it is that a few times you had repeated consecutive sentence structures. Like in the beginning - The space, The pervasive gloom, The images. Also one or two time's you did - Pronoun then a verb repeated. Minor issues at best and easily corrected.

Your writing is vivid and evokes a certain sense that lends itself to reading on.

Keep up the good work.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
2 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 1 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/onislayer