Hi Khan, I'm critiquing this as part of the "Invalid Item" . This is just my opinion of what I read, feel free to ignore anything that you disagree with.
Title: Charlotte Corday
Chapter: Chapter 1
Author: Wrath of khan
Plot: Charlotte faces her imminent execution
Style/ Voice: Seems third person. A little too passive at times. Try to get rid of some of your hads. You used a fair amount of adverbs but I leave that to you to judge if you overdid it. You did have at least one similar sentence structure repetition but the story was so good I didn't notice it.
Referencing: My one issue here is the PoV at the beginning. It could be considered bodiless but I will assume this was what Charlotte could see from her vantage point in the wagon.
Scene/Setting: Fine. Could use some more sense of smell. IF there was a huge mob and nearby executions and rain, what did it smell like?
Grammar: Seems fine for the most part.
Characters: Well portrayed
Just My Personal Opinion: I enjoyed this. The beginning despite lack of immediate protagonist PoV was good. The ending was very good. Tweak your passives to make some parts more active, take a look at your adverbs, add some more sensory detail and you have a gripping start. There is no line by line included because anything suggested above is easy to see and really does not need to be highlighted. You have a firm grip on this chapter already.
I enjoyed this story. interesting characters, conflict, well written. The only slight thing I can take away form it is that a few times you had repeated consecutive sentence structures. Like in the beginning - The space, The pervasive gloom, The images. Also one or two time's you did - Pronoun then a verb repeated. Minor issues at best and easily corrected.
Your writing is vivid and evokes a certain sense that lends itself to reading on.
Keep up the good work.
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| (4.5)
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