Let me begin by saying that I DID enjoy your poem. It had a definite plot, and the storyline was good. The rhythm was a little hard to catch, but once you got going, it wasn’t so bad. The problem with having a rhythm like yours is that once the rhythm is established, you can’t loose it, or you will loose the reader. You lost me in your 3rd and 4th stanzas. Although they had the same rhythm and pace within themselves…you loose the unity of the poem, by switching up here. I recommend keeping the same rhythm and pace throughout the piece. I gave you 4 stars. I think that this piece was better than average, but it lacked that flare that makes great poems great. It was a good poem, but not a great one, if that makes any sense. I got the point of your poem, but you didn’t spell it out. I had to envision a bit on my own. I have a few suggestions for you:
My name is Mae.
Part of the Fae I am.
But be that as it may,
I have fallen for a man,
And Fae he is not today.
In this first stanza, it would work better if you said. “But sadly this man is not Fae” I think it works better. You could leave it as is, but it is hard to understand without punctuation. You have the punctuation in the second stanza to make it work, so you may want to Keep your original wording and add the commas to make it understandable. The last thing you want is someone getting lost.
I go to his place of rest
To invade his dreams for love.
My charm, I use my best.
Hope, I have, that I am the one
To be chosen at the Fest.
In this stanza, I would say, “I go to his place of rest / To invade his dreams and win his love. / And of my charm, I use my best. / Fore’ I have hoped to be the one / The one he chooses at the fest.” Also, there is no need to capitalize the word fest here.
For at this one day,
This day of revelry and spree.
The man does choose his bride.
Oh Goddess, please let it be me!
This stanza COMPLETELY shatters the rhythm that you have built up. Please, please change it. I was getting into the piece and you lost me right here. I love the last two lines. The Fairy/Goddess harmony was Genius. I don’t think goddess needs to be capitalized though. I thought up an alternative verse, but you should use something that you are comfortable with. Feel free to use mine, if you like it though. “I would love him happily, / And marry him with greatest pride. / Now on this day of revelry / He will come forth and choose his bride. / Oh goddess, please let it be me!”
The day of Fest is here
And my love is dressed so fine.
The lovely maidens all stand near.
Glare at them I do, for ladies, he is mine!
This stanza was better because it has the same rhythm. Again, fest doesn’t need to be capital, but this verse just needs another line. I like how you ended with “he is mine!” but you don’t need to repeat WHO you’re talking here. I think it should go something like this. “Finally it is the time. / The day of festival is here. / The lovely maidens all stand near. / I glare at them, fore’ he is mine!” Your way is good too, but I like this way for the extra line, at least.
Pretty Lily has caught his eye.
Oh what did I do wrong?
A voice sounds in my head, “Your charm was nothing but a lie.
Forget this human and his lure so strong.
Come home child and you will get by.”
In this stanza, you need a period after the quotation marks at the end. I would have preferred the second line to read, “Was there something I did wrong?” It would make the third line not look so extremely long. Also in that third line you could replace “nothing but” with “just”. And I know I’m being picky, but could you say “Come home now child and you will get by.”? So the new stanza would read: “Pretty Lily has caught his eye. / Was there something I did wrong? / A voice sounds in my head, “Your charm was just a lie. / Forget this human and his lure so strong. / Come home now child and you will get by.”.”
My heart is heavy, for I have lost this night.
My love has chosen another and I feel so lost.
I turn to go with my fists held tight,
But I know to have him would have been at his cost.
And with aching sorrow, I know…I know that Fate has chosen right.
The only thing I would change about this entire stanza is the last word on the first line. I would change “night” to “fight”. It makes more sense to me and it goes along better with the 3rd line and her fists being held tight. WHEW!!!! I know this is a lot to take in. I tried to be as detailed as possible. Please don’t feel obligated to make ANY changes to your work. If you don’t agree with something. Don’t change it! After all, this isn’t my poem or anyone else’s…it’s YOURS. Remember that. I DID enjoy reading the piece, and I hope you develop it more. It has the potential to be a really good poem. If you can add to it, without taking away from the harmony that you already have here, this poem can be one of the best fantasy pieces that I have read. Write on, and let me know if you ever revise this piece.
- Omega Red
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Knowledge comes, only to those, who at one point, were ignorant.
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