Wow.
First Impressions:
Thanks for the warning at the top.
I found this piece heartwrenching and dark.
As someone who has experienced both physical and sexual abuse growing up
this was difficult to read. It broke my heart. But I think poetry and stories like this are necessary. I think they help illuminate what some people feel should be kept behind closed doors.
If one person reads this and feels less alone, less ashamed, less at fault... then you have done something wonderful.
Tone of the Piece:
Actually it started out somewhat slow...maybe muted. I could tell right away the direction it was going to take. I think I have a sixth sense for these things. When the sexual tones picked up I found myself at the edge of my seat...routing for her. Hoping for the best outcome.
That is what a good writer does...They get the reader to route for the protagonist. They get the reader invovled.
Well you had me. Yes. You had me involved.
When you said she was "lost" I wanted to scream out to her to keep fighting. I wanted to motivate her.
Presentation/Word Choice/Imagery
The imagery was so real it gave me chills.
It made me hate the male character and worry for and route for the female character. When you can do that with mere words you have accomplished something.
I don't give out 5 star ratings very often. Consider yourself blessed.
My Final Thoughts:
I hope to find the time to go and read the entire story. For now... I am pleased that a member pointed me in the direction of this powerful piece.
Thank you for having the courage to write it and share it.
"Nouns are the bones that give a sentence body.
But verbs are the muscles that make it go."
Mervin Block
Peace Always!
your writing friend,
~flower~
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Hello rfgraham
I've never been to your port before.
I spent 9 years in the foster care system and was adopted. My adoption was not the wonderful answer most children dream about. It turned out to be a complete nightmare. I was drawn to your story based on my own background and my curiosity about your experiences.
My first thoughts:
It looks like this story is truly told from the point of view of a child. I really like that. I look forward to getting to know Casey.
What I enjoyed most:
The small details- rain pelting the window, long sighs etc. your use of language- "The floorboard sqeaked its loving alarm and nudged Mamma Anna from her thoughts"-- this creates a wonderful image in the mind of the reader.
What needs attention: Spelling error (consistent) Mamma Anna should be Momma Anna Sentence structure on some sentences
ex-She always knew that she never saw her foster mothers again after she moved; that’s just the way it was.
Don't use That. As a matter of fact...go through the entire story and GET RID of as many usages of the word THAT as possible.
Comments:
I have to admit, I probably didn't see the majority of the grammar errors in your story because this story touched me in such an emotional way.
Not all foster children have happy endings. Not all are adopted. Certainly adoption isn't always the happy ending either.
I applaud you for writing your story. I enjoyed this one.
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Peace always
~flower~
HiDhoc-li Llama
After meeting you in scroll about a week ago I promised to review your story. I did not forget. I'm just a little slow.
My first thoughts:
Good story. Captures the attention of the reader. Too short!
What I enjoyed most:
You made me laugh a couple time. --No time for snacking. lol Aiming for the rear of the sheep. Good one. Dragon self talk. Definite score with me. LOL.
What needs attention: I thought your first sentence was good. I wouldn't have given the name away so fast. I would have introduced her a bit differently. I would have called her "She" throughout most of the story. Then...when the reader is at the edge of their seat. Put the name in when you are talking about the part dangling from her mouth getting eating by....well you know.
I hate to say it...but I need more details.
You keep things to short. I am a detail HOUND! I want to feel every drop of saliva as it drips from this dragons mouth. I want to feel the heat of the fire. I want it all.
Details make me wanna read more!
Feed me details and I am yours forever!
Comments:
I do like the ending.
Overall though. I would say....beef up the details. Give this story so more ooomph and it will rate higher with me.
You have talent.
Nuture it.
Peace always.
~flower~
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Hi Kara,
Thank you for pointing me towards this awesome poem.
My first thoughts:
It left me speechless. I had to read it outloud I enjoyed it so much.
What I enjoyed most:
Your use of alliteration begs the reader to enjoy the
words as they roll off the tongue.
It simply MUST be read aloud and savored. By reaching into your varied vocabulary you tantalized my senses
greatly. It became so visual.
I'm such a visual reader I enjoyed the extra effort. The topic. Women. Particularly two women in love was so delicately and wonderfully portrayed here it was a joy to read.
I longed for more lines of this lovely poem. I was sad that the poem ended.
What needs attention: Changes? Kara.... Ha... Don't you dare change a thing!!!
Comments:
Lovely, enjoyable and worthy of a read and review.
"You are not a hundred dollar bill. Not everyone
is going to like you or your story. Do not
take rejection personally."
~~Meg Cabot
you are in my thoughts Kara. Take care.
Kay/Flower
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As always my dear I found myself enjoying the pure pleasure of reading this brief poem aloud. Why? Words. Yes words. My lips forming the words aloud feels so reassuring in this time of depression... war...and violence.
We escape into words sometimes. Escape into fantasy, another time, or even poetry.
Words like puce pocked stone help me escape the mundane in my life.
thanks Kare.
I enjoyed this poem.
Peace always.
~flower~
Wow...
Talk about keeping the reader on the edge of their seat! My mind went to several possibilities as I read. Then, as I read the last sentence, a sigh and a deep chuckle escaped.
You got me.
Love the story. It fits the image quite well.
Best of luck in the contest.
~flower~
The beauty and sadness of this poem strike all too close for me. I know the PredniZONE well. It has another name in my household. One that cannot be spoken in mixed company.
Lupus (in any of its forms)can be devastating but we can learn to live with it. I believe we should not allow it to rob us of our lives, our natural beauty and our will to go on with our daily routines.
Thank you for sharing this lovely poem. My life is enriched for having read it.
Welcome to writing.com!
Peace always.
Flower
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Wowza. I feel like I should make my review 13+
The way you "REVEAL" information here is delicious.
My mouth began to salivate almost immediately. I found myself craving "her" chocolates.
From the second she opened the lovely box I wanted to put my hands into the same box and help myself.
Mmmm. I caught myself licking the raspberry off my lips, gagging over the nougat and nearly melting over the the liquid ambrosia. The best though was the peppermint. I actually closed my eyes and savored the mint flavored chocolate as I adore that particular flavor.
I love how she kept the note. It is something I would have done.
Thanks for the "gift"
I enjoyed my virtual chocolates.
*grin*
~flower~
My first thoughts:
I was surprised to see a love poem formatted into an acrostic.
Many people would have done something ghostly or scary.
What I enjoyed most:
your terminology. I love the word "engrossed" imagery-- love flurry repitition of "lost days"
What needs attention: At first I couldn't see the acrostic version of HALLOWEEN
perhaps if you used ML colors to highlight it one could see it clearly.
Otherwise, I wouldn't change a thing.
Comments:
Different, lovely. I liked it because it wasn't cookie cutter.
This poem speaks volumes. What do I mean by that?
I feel a lot from each line.
You don't waste a lot of words. Reading
the first verse was like eating a bowl of ice cream.
I savored each word, knowing you spoke of
someone very special.
As I read it I pictured someone standing in that doorway.
It felt like a doorway into the very secret part of
someone special. You were willing to share that. Not many people do.
Naturally, the person I pictured in my mind differs greatly from your vision.
You did something a lot of other authors don't do here.
You gave me innocent details , a peek inside your soul.
The cranberry muffin nearly made me melt.
I wanted to be her. To feel so loved and cherished.
Never stop writing.
I'm glad I found this poem.
Peace always
~flower~
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I found this story quite by accident. While reading reviews on the public review page I came across one about your public plea for an upgrade "Invalid Item"
My advice for that piece-- delete it!
Let me explain a bit:
Writing.com is a warm and inviting community for writers. Being new you need to learn all about the rights and responsibilites that surround membership.
This site gives you many ways to EARN
the gp's for your upgrade needs such as:
1)write reviews for other people to earn GP's daily
2)get extra GP's at the end of the day based on how
many reviews you did for new people.
*be sure to read about this in your
Getting Started" area*
3)Many items are auto-rewards. This means
on top of the review GP's you may get 75-1000GP's
from the author as a reward for reviewing something
for them. Look at the very top for auto-rewards.
4) You can enter contests or auctions and win GP's
Right now to celebrate WDC's 6th birthday
you can earn EXTRA gp's for reviewing. Begging is a way to turn a lot of people off.
~~~~~~~
Now, about THIS piece.
I love the last line! You have some talent!
The conversation goes along smoothly. I had an early inkling about what could happen to Frank but you did
keep me on the edge of my seat.
Remember you could replace the repetitive God with Him. The capital letter would still let people know who you meant.
Do something, open your document look for the line where edit is and click on count. I think you may be surprised at the number across from the word "had"
I noticed you like to use it a lot.
Try to eliminate some of them by tightening your sentences a bit. Sometimes, you can remove the word and the sentence works the same without it.
for Of Frank and Fate
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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~flower~
I rarely give 5 stars. Now, let me explain How and Why you deserve them!
Using the prompt from "The Dialogue 500" to create a story told completely in dialogue is a great task.
You did this well. The two girls in the mirror have differing personalities, likes and dislikes, and even ideals.
The view into their lives is fascinating. I love the twist which reveals a possible familial connection, which you still leave as a mystery at the end.
The trip through time (and the mirror) is effortlessly woven into this story with excellent dialogue, but what impressed me the most was the mood of the piece. You really bring the reader into the mind of your characters.
Excellent job.
~flower~
Hi,
Your haiku are interesting. Many folks are breaking away from the 5-7-5 format for haiku poems. I wish I could remember where I read an entire article on this subject the other day. Try looking at www.ezinearticles.com I'm pretty sure it was on that site. The guy who wrote the piece seemed to know a lot about the current trends. I've written a few haiku I really liked.
Keep writing it is great practice.
Oh, your bio-block mentions poetry, newspaper articles and maybe a novel someday. In order to do that you have to put words on paper as often as possible.
I'm working on some of the same goals.
Peace always,
Good Morning ~WhoMe???~
My first thoughts:
I've been reading through a few of your poems and I have noticed
a pattern. You seem to prefer a specific style.
Ex.
Ask not....
Grieve not....
Some people would put the line in a more positive manner.
She didn't ask. She refused to grieve. etc.
This is just something I noticed about your style , nothing
wrong with it or anything. I saw it in 3 or 4 of your poems.
What I liked most:
I commented on this poem because it really is Powerful you use very descriptive words-colors, visual, etc. this really speaks to the heart of others who have been hurt.
What needs your attention: Your work is automatically copyrighted when put here on wdc
it is not necessary to put the symbol.
Unless you want the whole world looking you up in the yellow pages
I would not list your whole name. It is up to you. Some use their real name others use initials. Many use a pen name. It is still YOUR WORK.
Comments:
I enjoyed this poem and I can relate to it in ways many others cannot imagine. Childhood abuse is a horrible thing. Writing is one of the most important and helpful ways to get through it. Thank you for sharing your innermost thoughts and feelings.
I love this saying. A friend sent it to me.
"You are not a hundred dollar bill. Not everyone is
going to like you or your story.
Do not take rejection personally."
~~Meg Cabot
Peace always!
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I would have to say I thoroughly understand this poem. My daughter has been living at my house the last 3 months since her husband walked out on her. She was just over six months pregnant at the time and having horrid back and leg pains. She could barely lift her son so I have been helping out.
She had the baby three days ago. One look into his eyes and she melted. Her anger and disappointment seemed to disappear. She almost ignored her physical pain. When I called the hospital the next morning, the first thing she said was, "I'm in love"
Well, I agree. Her new son,(my second grandson) is a total bundle of love.
Best of everything to your new family. Enjoy the first few years. In these 2 years moms typically cannot wait for them to walk and talk. I say they should enjoy the quiet times before the walking, screaming and tossing toys while they have the chance.
My first thoughts:
Thank you for filling out your bio-block. Many new members forget to give
us readers this information. I like knowing a bit about the writer.
What I liked most:
Some of your words create great images for the reader.
ex. Ashes fill the somber sleeping air. I like your line breaks. Mostly they are place just right.
making the poem read well outloud.
What I liked least: EEEEK! the image of a dying mule is NOT beautiful. (ewww} You used passive voice a lot in this poem.
Look the term up on google or whatever search engine you prefer.
Comments:
Overall, I like the general structure of the poem. I think it needs some
work and it could be much better.
Keep writing.
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I couldn't help but notice the title
of your entry. It begged me to read it.
My first thoughts:
This is a sweet and sentimental story.
While I have seen other stories almost exactly like it
I enjoyed it and thought it was probably a truthful story.
What I liked most:
You used such details- corn shuck dolls how you drew the reader in- with more visits You left the message private. I really liked that.
It left the story with a sense of mystery.
What I liked least: Overuse of the word "she" for your mother. It made it more
personal when you used "mama" or "mother" I would have liked to have seen more dialouge
Comments:
There are several instances where you change tense in the story and it
made it hard to follow.
The smile-factor (sentimental story) made me rate this
higher than I would have originally rated it.
"You are not a hundred dollar bill. Not everyone is
going to like you or your story. Do not take
rejection personally."
Meg Cabot
Hello!
I see you are fairly new to writing.com
I wish you would have filled out your bio-block so the
reader would know a bit about you. (Age-interests-etc)
By going to your account section you will easily find the
bio-block section and how to fill it out. Then, anytime
someone clicks on your black case they can learn about you.
I usually do this before writing each review.
My first thoughts:
Most interesting ghost story.
What I liked most:
Character names. Nice and unusal. overall story
What I liked least: One exclamation point is enough. Never start a sentence with the word "but" You tend to leave out commas.
Comments:
You haven't really introduced us to the characters. The reader wants to know more about each character. They want to know bits and pieces about
them. Tics and traits. The reader longs to be on the edge of their chair waiting for the last morsel of information.
"You are not a hundred dollar bill. Not everyone is going to like you or your story. Do not take rejection personally."
Meg Cabot
My first thoughts
I've watched one or two episodes of the show 'Lost'.
I don't know if I could keep up with
all those charachters!
What I liked: new charachter added great descriptions- very vivid. likeable characters
What I liked least: you rarely used proper grammar. We will discuss this soon. Somewhat weak ending. told in first person
I prefer 3rd person stories (my personal preference) try to eliminate instances of the word "that" Ex. How is that pregnant lady?
--> How's the pregnant woman?
Ex. I was glad that Jack was there.
--> I was glad Jack was here.
Both sentences mean the same, the second is a tighter,
more efficient sentence.
Comments/Ideas for change/errors/etc.
I will send you a line-by-line correction
review and correction in a private email.
Peace!
"Art is the manipulation of
someone else's imagination."
--Sol Saks
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I enjoyed your poem. I am just learning Spanish this summer.
You have a wonderful grace with your words. I truly enjoyed reading this.
You have a way of painting a picture with words that made me smile at almost every stanza.
Results will be out today.
Keep up the good work.
Peace always.
~flower~
Hi
Thanks for entering Round 8 of my contest [Look into My Soul] What I liked:
You use the senses to help the reader imagine and feel conected. By starting off with the song on the readio, the reader already feels a connection with Jenna from the beginning of the story.
Throughout the story you have action, yet the little things are what I noticed. wafting cologne trembling voice a sleeping city
wonderful images! <----
Things needing more attention:
This is probably a pet peeve of mine...
I found a lot of instances of the word "that"
For some reason it bothers me. I think many sentences can survive without it.
(just a suggestion)
I didn't really find many Glaring errors.
It was a joy to read your story.
I will announce winners very soon.
Peace!
"Art is the manipulation of someone
else's imagination."
--Sol Saks
I find it difficult to say whether I liked this or not. Why you ask?
I've been down the illness path myself, having people care for me and watch me go from being a productive schoolteacher to someone who forgets things every day.
I've seen the other side of the coin as well. Thankfully, I didn't have to watch my twin whither away. I was too far away for part of the time. I remember her being well.
Your narrative rips at the heart. I totally understand the love/hate. (that is...if you really meant it and weren't just using poetic licence)
I wish you
peace always.
(this poem is the first thing I have reviewed in over five months)
~flower~
~Totally Intense~
Hi .:Rogue:.and welcome to writing.com!!!
I think you should expand this wonderful little piece and make it a short story. Your eye for small details is good. I like the mention of the steel-colored eyes, and the flow of the 3 year old's thoughts. I was left wanting more.
Perhaps you could make it a whole afternoon leading up to closing time. I'd be on the edge of my chair waiting to read That!! (hint hint)
Getting to know this site can seem like it will take a long time...but everyone here is very friendly and helpful. Come by and check out the I remember group, I will leave you a link under my name!
Peace always,
~flower~
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Your title drew my attention. I wasn't sure
what to expect. I thought it would make a great title for a story, but I wasn't sure about a poem.
Actually, your poem tells a story.
You use just the right language to capture the reader's interest and make them want to read the next line...like a thriller. More out of pure curiosity
than anything else. Interesting technique.
Areas to work on:
I noticed you didn't use punctuation. This is a choice, I know. (and I won't harp)
However,... I found a spot or two where emphasis would have worked and could be accomplished with a comma or a well placed word.
Ex.But I am a chalk outline---> Blah...
But, I am a chalk outline. changes the emphasis. Makes the reader pause as they read it. Or...
You could use a different word altogether.
"However,..."
And, later in the poem---> I'm still a chalk outline make the word still bold.
These are just my opinions, of course.
Welcome to this site. There are many wonderful groups to join and newsletters you can have delivered to your email each week. Frankly, I log in every day.
Hope you learn to love it here too.
Peace always,
~flower~
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The small details- rain pelting the window, long sighs etc.
Spelling error (consistent) Mamma Anna
You tend to leave out commas.
This site gives you many ways to EARN
for Of Frank and Fate
EEEEK! the image of a dying mule is NOT beautiful. (ewww} 
Things needing more attention:
Your title drew my attention. I wasn't sure