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Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/oldcactuswren
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51 Public Reviews Given
445 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review by Wren Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

Summary of what I read:
A lonely old man sits quietly in a dark corner of the tavern. He observes the atmosphere, and what becomes a fight. He warns the barmaid to leave, as does he. He watches death leave after the fire and carnage.


Overall Impression:This was probably written for a contest and had a word limit. As such, it does the job, but could be a much better story without that limit.


Characters:
The old man is weary, body and soul. The barmaid believes his prediction and leaves. Otherwise, there is not much room for character development.


Imagery:The darkness, both actual and symbolic, is clear.


Plot:Due to the nature of the short story, the plot is very simple. It would improve the story, perhaps, to know something of the man's history. Why is he so hollow inside? How does he know the signs of danger?


Pace:Another disadvantage of the short, short story: there was no time to adequately show the danger mounting.


Mechanics: It's a custom at WDC to leave a blank line between paragraphs for easier reading.

You use the word 'dark' three times in the first three sentences or so. You might consider a synonym the third time. Not necessary, just a comment.


Punctuation and Grammar:Using commas where appropriate would help. E.g.
"As the stray neared it froze." As the stray neared is a phrase describing "it." A comma would separate the phrase from the rest of the sentence, and would make it easier to read.


"He knew that she wouldn't remember him they never did" is a run-on sentence. You need either a semi-colon or a period after "him."


What I liked best: I like to believe that some people have seen enough tragedy, perhaps, to avoid more and to warn others. It's a good story idea, and could be developed more to advantage.

Write On!



It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.
-- Aristotle

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Review of Hink  Open in new Window.
Review by Wren Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Summary of what I read:
A young man, who accidentally gets sour milk on his cereal and throws it away,
is called a "hink" by a cute girl. The story is about him as he tries to find out the meaning of the word.

Overall Impression:
Very cute and clever.

Characters:
The main character, the narrator, is described well, primarily by his actions.
The smaller roles are different from each other, shown also by their actions and interests.

Imagery:
The image I remember most is Pete, flipping his quarter over and over, and the green cartoon characters Lucas draws.

Plot:
It's a very simple plot, seems quite plausible, and has a satisfying conclusion.

Pace:
The story moves nicely, doesn't drag, even through the repetition of the question, "What's a hink?"

Mechanics:
The narrator moves well from scene to scene, and each cameo appearance of a new character comes off smoothly.

Punctuation and Grammar: Excellent.


What I liked best: The funny repetitions of nearly everyone telling him he shouldn't waste food. The surprise ending.

This is a very good story, and I hope you'll submit it for publication somewhere.



It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.
-- Aristotle

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Review of The Two Survivors  Open in new Window.
Review by Wren Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Summary of what I read:
Two men, old Boy Scout chums, set out on a sea voyage and are shipwrecked in a torrential storm. Using their skills, they find the first of many important things they will need to survive, food.


Overall Impression:
Even though the plot of this story lends itself to great drama, there is not a lot of feeling here. It reads like a documentary.

The story is told in the third person. It doesn't appear to be limited to any one point of view, but doesn't seem omniscient either. I'm stumped about that. We don't have much insight into what anyone is thinking.

Characters:
Kendall and Tobias, as characters, are a little flat. They are not shown with much emotion, despite the direness of their circumstances. Their excitement about the trip was initially shown by their forgetting to give a copy of their chart to their wives, so we are told. The only little potential flare up is at the end when Tobias is a little irritated to be instructed in how to cook the fish. He swallows his irritation, however.

Imagery:
We do not know what kind of boat they had, but I pictured a sailboat. We know that the island must be very bleak with a straight shoreline, or they would not be able to see each other 100 yards away. There are no animals, but we don't know what kind of plants grow there, other than something with sticks to make fishing poles from.

Plot:
The conflict in the story is how to survive, and they begin to figure it out together. They seem to be in agreement about all of this; and so, on the island, there is no protagonist, not even the weather or wild beasts.

Pace:
The pace is even, no part seeming rushed or slow, maybe too even.

Mechanics:
The subtitles throughout the story promote the illusion that this is a non-fiction article. Fiction doesn't usually have subtitles, and this isn't long enough for chapter titles.

The author moves the people from one scene to the next with skill.

I think I'd chuck that word "mere" though.


Punctuation and Grammar: Excellent. I remember seeing one word that I thought should be hyphenated, but I can't find it right now. Something -making, I think. Oh, there is a typo in the third paragraph: "thr."


What I liked best: The scenes are well plotted out. The two friends may find a water, or make a raft, or somehow be rescued. The ending is up in the air. I like that better than trying to tie up all the ends, at least in a short story.

What I think the story needs most is emotion. They have to be scared, both of them at some time or other. What do men do when they get scared? I'd say, get angry. Blame themselves, or blame each other, something. How might they show that? With dialog and actions. Let's hear what they're thinking, even. They probably don't agree on everything, unless one is dominant and the other a yes-man. If they don't argue a little, why not? Is one afraid of the other? Is it against their religion to show anger? Is one secretly afraid the other might cannibalize him if they don't find any other food source?

Let your imagination roll. Think of all sorts of things each could be angry about, for starters. They've suffered a terrible loss. How do they cope with the knowledge they may not survive? What wild ideas crop up in their heads?

You get the idea. Now make your story come alive: write on!

It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.
-- Aristotle

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Review by Wren Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Good for you! You saw a need and took the time to do something no one else was able to do for Ken, a very important thing for both of you. You described the situation and how it unfolded very clearly, and it's easy to see your caring heart as you write of him.

A few comments on the writing

A person isn't "terminal." He is in the terminal stage of his disease. I know medical people refer to the person as terminal, just as they may call the woman in room 302 "the gall bladder", or just "302" instead of her name. You aren't writing for medical people here, so be careful of using the jargon except in dialogue.

Ken was on [i}continuous oxygen. Continual means over and over again. Continuous means steady, unchanging.

I think it would be better to say that Ken was enjoying a much needed respite from coughing, or something like that. The coughing stopped, or slowed, or let up, but it isn't capable of giving someone something.

You tell us what you learned about Ken's change of condition. It would be more effective to show us what you saw, and how you felt about it.

This is a dramatic scene, but it doesn't portray much intensity. You wrote, "The reading I got upon taking his blood pressure, a mere 52/36,confirmed the end was very near for him." That's very wordy, and sort of formal. Why not just write, "I hastily wrapped the blood pressure cuff around his limp arm and pumped it up. I don't think he even noticed. The reading was very low, and that confirmed what we all suspected, that the end was near."

This is just a suggestion, and I know my writing style is different from yours. I hope you do consider ways to get a little more action and drama into a scene that is fraught with it. I'd like to feel your heart pounding and hear what's going on in your mind as you sit with this man until it's all over. Not everybody gets a chance to do what you did, so help us be there and see through your eyes (words.)

Keep that loving heart of yours writing!
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Review by Wren Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
A wonderful story, the kind we all wish would happen instead of what usually does, unmatched shoes and all.
You did a good job of building us up for trouble ahead, and I was very pleased that the end was a little different than expected. Good work.

I'm guessing the words in bold were prompts? Maybe now that the contest is over, you might change them back.
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Review of enharmonics  Open in new Window.
Review by Wren Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a satisfyingly existential portrait of a lonely woman who appears unable to really connect with her life. I like the different ways you show her: the rich woman in search of happiness, childless, analytical, unable to take control or find a path. The line where she says to herself, "I was happy there" is particularly touching.

The repetition of the food theme is interesting: chewing on thoughts, eating cookies, tasting crumbs that are gone, digesting time.

This is a poem to read over and over. Excellent.
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Review of Zucchini  Open in new Window.
Review by Wren Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Very well written.
I wrote a lot about zucchini last summer, but my problems were mainly with the monsters, not the size that would tuck into a basket. I never thought of dressing them up like babies. Now that's good!
Thanks for a good laugh this morning.
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Review of LIFE AND DEATH  Open in new Window.
Review by Wren Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
While the sentiment is true-- the longing to be in control of one's own end rather than wait for it-- I think there's a lot missing in this dark poem.

For one thing, is the irony intended to be humorous? Or a cry for help? Or intentionally ambivalent, having left out a subject for "would like to cut it short."

Judging it strictly as a poem, I'd comment that the first line is a trite phrase: "Life is too short." Then the rhyme you use is the same one, "short."

If you want to use poetry to express your feelings, you could delve a little deeper, show yourself a little more. That's hard to do if you really are depressed, but it also would be a lot more cathartic.

Feel free to argue back with me. You have worth, and so does your poem in its own dark way. Keep writing.

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Review of I am  Open in new Window.
Review by Wren Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Your poem is very descriptive of how others view you, and also how you value yourself. I am sorry for all the abuse and discomfort you have to endure. Writing is a good way to express feelings you maybe dare not do any other place. I hope that you will find some help, regardless of whoever finds you evil. Take care of yourself and your boys, and keep on writing.

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Review by Wren Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a very moving meditation, albeit short, based on Psalm 3:3. I've actually thought before about the controllingness of this gesture, as in parent seeking to be heard by child being disciplined. This was a lovely way to look at it, as intimacy and offering.

The only change I would make is in the punctuation. I would change the semi-colon in the first sentence of the first paragraph to a colon. What follows the colon describes the gesture, and it is not a clause in itself, therefore doesn't warrant a semi-colon.

Well done! Write On!




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Review by Wren Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
You have given us a beautiful and poetic telling of a great story, and have done it with simplicity and great feeling. "Folded upon herself" is a very interesting line. I was prepared not to like it at first, and then found it very descriptive.

There is nothing recent in your port, but I certainly hope you are still writing.
This is very well done.
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Review by Wren Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
This has a good plot, and good dialogue, especially for dialect. In fact, it's terrific.

The only thing I might work on is the final scene. I need to hear a little more from Miss Totten to convince me she is doing something that makes Miss Graves believe she is innocent. A little more description of the scene when she shrieked would serve well. Good writing. Keep it up.
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Review of Blossoms Maligned  Open in new Window.
Review by Wren Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I thought this was a good story, and the ending was fabulous. I love the way you broke the action there, leaving out the actual shooting. You had clearly foreshadowed it earlier by saying they would never see Christmas break, but it momentarily left me some hope.

Your characters and dialogue were believable, and the grammar and punctuation faultless.

One sentence I had trouble with had the following phrase in it:"whose eyes appeared searching like the ears of a dog when it senses something afoot." I get what you mean, but the comparison was odd, eyes to ears.

The only thing I'd change would be to pick up the pace a little. It seems slow and has some details that don't really advance the story.

The story is, of course, scarily timely. Good work. Write On!
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Review by Wren Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I read this the other night but it caught my attention more tonight. The images are really good, from title to end. I'd like to be caught in the updrafts and fly into the night. "Terrestrial time" and "pulse of emptiness" are great phrases.

Reading "heart beat," my eye stumbled and re-read. I wanted it to be all one word. And I wanted the verb after "burdens" to be "were left behind." But maybe you have your reasons. *Smile*
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Review of Wynona  Open in new Window.
Review by Wren Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
You did a very good job with a plot I'd ordinarily avoid. I hate to read about child abuse. But Winona was smart, fast and determined, and maybe the accident was her only saving grace. The ending was exceptionally nice.

The only difficulty I had with the story was the believability of her giggling and laughing once she was out of reach in Winder. Relief, yes, great relief surging through her; and maybe smiling, maybe even laughing, but not giggling. At least, that's the way it seems to me.

You are a good story teller. Write On!

cactusWrensig
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Review of The Gift of Gab  Open in new Window.
Review by Wren Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is an unusual story, both because of the tragedy and the wish that is supposed to be the cure for Emmy. I like the idea you came up with, very clever!

The second sentence was awkward. The day the murders happened defined her, rather than the terror she witnessed and escaped? Maybe you did that to save words though; I do recognize the limitations of the contest. *Smile*

Although I can see the reason you used the tenses you did, the frequent change from the current action to the past, then to the future, makes it a little confusing. My suggestion would be to eliminate the present tense in the narration. Just a thought, though.

All in all, a good story. Write On!

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Review by Wren Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Delightful!
When I first started reading this, I didn't give it much of a chance to be interesting, and I was very wrong. I'll never think about Mother Nature the same way again. And the next time I have one of those wardrobe tantrums, I'll just call it a sunset and not sweat it. The velvet dress with diamonds were the best though. You have a great imagination and gift for fine imagery. Write On!

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Review of A Clown's Tears  Open in new Window.
Review by Wren Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
You have quite a plot here, some potentially interesting characters, and a message you want to get across. Somehow I feel more like I know more what the story is about than I am actually involved in its happening.

You told us about the very frightening circumstances of the fire at the beginning of the story, but nothing of Auguste's emotions. I didn't hear any anguish, any urgency, any doubt. Wasn't he surprised to waken to find his place on fire? Was it a house, an apartment, a motel room? Why in the world was his ex-wife on the other side of the door with her boyfriend?

Did Auguste have to run to the bathroom to soak the towel in water? Did he hold the child in his arms, looking out the window, praying help would come soon?

Help the reader see what he sees, feel what he feels. Let yourself feel the fear, the love, the pain, and then write about it.

You've got great stuff here. Let yourself tell the story! Write On!
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Review of Spear  Open in new Window.
Review by Wren Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This is delightful. I didn't know what to expect, opening the page and seeing what looked like prose. I especially like the reverence shown the Oak, making the place by the stream holy.

The sounds and repetitions of the words are strong and vibrant, befitting a legend and also maybe a morality tale. Life itself does not continue the way it was gathered, and forks in unexpected places. What comes after can be shaded out by what has grown large, and we must be willing to make the sacrifice to allow something new to appear.

I really like this. It's choice.
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Review of Raining Color  Open in new Window.
Review by Wren Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Your imagery and description are excellent. The setting was perfect for an exciting story to take place, with dark and fierce characters and you the hero. And then, oops, it was over. What a disappointment! I feel tricked.

I hope you'll work on this story some more, and give it a plot, not just an ending. You have plenty of talent and technical skill. Write on!
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Review by Wren Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
I just wrote something about mashed potato clouds last week!

This is a fun poem that I mostly enjoyed very much. The images are playful, and it sounds like a story to tell a child.

I wonder if you meant "shudders" rather than "shutters?"It seemed as if the verb would fit better than the noun.

The part that didn't quite measure up were the lines:

"giant in charge of lights
and waits for the signal
from the overseer of storms
with the signal
he who is in charge of lights"

I needed some punctuation to show me that "with the signal," begins a new sentence. Otherwise it was a confusing repetition. The repetition of "in charge of lights" bogged the poem down too, to my ear.

Nevertheless, it was a delightful idea with great imagery. Write On!

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Review of 10,000 Years  Open in new Window.
Review by Wren Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is an amazing poem about the salmon and the river I love. You've accomplished a real feat in telling the story with strength and power as well as pathos. Well done!

"Our hope is in our connectedness;" indeed it is.

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Review of Morning Rain  Open in new Window.
Review by Wren Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Sophy, what a good poem! Sometimes writing it down helps make it manageable, at least that's what I've found. I like the way you've spaced the poem. "Tossing and turning" are illustrated by the pattern, and "overwhelming" stands out alone like a big wave ready to engulf you. Even though your life will never be the same, your words march on, as we do. Great job.
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