\"Writing.Com
*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/okgo543
Review Requests: OFF
24 Public Reviews Given
24 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by OKGO543 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This is a very compelling piece of verse! I really enjoy what you did with the prompt - using the decay of the asylum as a metaphor for the decay of the narrator makes this all the more eerie and wonderfully ambiguous. The line "History repeats itself" really sells it for me.

If you want to change this at all, I'd suggest thinking about how you might extend this metaphor. Your writing about "him" is great - "His burden, His rich psychotic burden" gave me chills - but I wonder if you could focus less on "him" and more on the building. Are there specific parts of the building (walls, pipes, wiring, picture frames, lighting, etc.) that resemble the narrator at all? Is there any place where you can show a contradiction in the narrator's character using this metaphor?

Nicely written - if the contest hasn't already passed, best of luck!
2
2
Review by OKGO543 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi PrincessDiana,

You raise a legitimate point. As much as our universities raise diversity and inclusion as battle cries as our nation goes through another awakening about our original sin of racism, the homogeny and exclusion that have plagued us for over two hundred years is still very much present in them. I will establish a caveat here: I am currently a university student, and I do currently live in a learning community. However, in this review, I will do my best to give you my critique of your rhetoric. You have good reasoning behind your personal decision - yes, go embrace new people and new things! Grow, learn, live! And I do think your idea for those rotating communities based on specific studies would be interesting - I would certainly not be opposed to something like that at my university. However, you appeal to two tools that are, in my opinion, flawed. First and foremost is the persistent cynicism in your reasoning. You seem to set as the basis of your argument that, well, people have always been unwilling to change (particularly when it comes to their views on people who are [rather superficially] unlike them), so continuing to let people form their own groups will just strengthen that inevitably. Yes, that does happen often, but it seems absurd to connect university learning communities to the Nazis, whose organizations were intentionally designed with the purpose of eliminating people who were Jewish, Slavic, homosexual, etc... If you're going to make such a bold - and cynical - claim, produce some evidence that learning communities don't work, and not just from your own experience. Research them beyond what your prospective university/ies (I assume you're a student preparing for college) have to say.

Now, back to my caveat. If I'm going to suggest using other experiences of communities than just your own, maybe I should offer my experience as a sample. If you aren't interested in it, goahead and ignore it. I just offer it in case you might want to read it. If you have any questions, or want me to review anything else, or want to discuss anything about learning communities further than this, send me an email!

Unfortunately, the empirical evidence from my experience might only support the negatives you mention. Like you, I come from a high school environment that was predominantly white, from predominantly conservative families, and predominantly socioeconomically stable. When I chose my university, I loved its apparent commitment to diversity. If you walk down the main thoroughfare of its main campus, you will see how beautifully diverse it actually is. However, I chose to live in a learning community that is predominantly white (there is not a single African-American student in the 100+ student community), and it is predominantly composed of students who come from well-to-do families studded with career accolades and college degrees. It seems odd to me that simply being a first-generation student and coming from, shall we say, a less-than-comfortable life, I am apparently a peculiarity in the LC's population. I took these concerns, in fact, to the head of the honors program, who teaches a course on developing one's "life story" that I was taking at the time. In response, he made a promise to alter the course to better reflect that not every student in the class was living in the top of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs (as I put it). Of course, I'm not saying that professors will always respond like that, or that I have solved the problem of exclusivity and all that in my learning community. The LC is still just the same in its problems and separations and everything else. But the most important part that I have found in living in a learning community, and this is so crucial, is that it is your responsibility, and your privilege, to take ownership of your share in the LC and not only point out its problems but also act on positively improving them, even if you are acting alone and in very small ways. That is the real good that comes out of learning communities in my opinion. Now, of course, I would not have come to that conclusion if not for lessons I have learned from outside my community, but I am very grateful that I get to try to live up to that responsibility.
3
3
Review by OKGO543 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hi JO JO,

This story is certainly haunting, with the potential for even more. You have a good setup with which to develop your characters - there's a friction between Dylan and Matthew over the identity of the woman next door, and the reader could be left unsure as to whether Martha is abused or entirely unstable (though, either way, the father is not the most appealing man in the world) if you omitted the last two lines. There's much that could be done with this structure, especially if you leave certain things as mystery. Of course, don't let me decide what to do with your story - it could be a good tragedy/drama with the same ending.

However, this story leaves me with a number of questions about things that seem essential, or otherwise hurt the story's accuracy. I'm not sure what to make of the ending - why does the car explode, and why does Martha have access to one anyway? Why is the nurse walking away when Matthew is convulsing with pain? And are there any neighbors who might hear what's going on in Martha's house? I was also surprised by the implication that the father can afford to maintain two separate houses, though that might explain why he gets home from work at 1:00 AM...

Overall, this is a fine outline for a story, with a whole lot more to develop before it is really finished. There are some points that need to be fixed for accuracy's sake; and the grammar in the story is in need of careful review, but that should come secondary to developing the story.

If you would like for me to review anything else, I'd be glad to!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
4
4
Review of A pencil  Open in new Window.
Review by OKGO543 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi Black Coffee,

This piece is a bit oxymoronic, to say the least. It does have a hopeful tone, about how we can be significant in a world where our lives to be pretty insignificant, or as you put it, "dispensable." However, at the same time, that seems to be a little grim.

Nothing to complain about grammar-wise. You are a little repetitive at points, but that's an easy fix. This is good writing.

Also something to consider: Mother Teresa, a favorite of mine, once called upon people to become "a pencil in God's hand." Maybe think about that if you revise your piece.

If you have any questions or want me to review anything else, I'd be happy to do so!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
5
5
Review by OKGO543 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Great poem! It's simple, but that ending is shaking. As though we can only describe whatever will come from the "loss of moderation" as "the drop" because we have no idea what tremors will actually shake us. It's worth noting that this poem from 2012 has aged like wine.

I love the lines "as we defile the night,/ready to lay to rest/our deepest fears and grievances." There's a certain electricity to this stanza that really sets the tempo for the rest of the poem, and there's also a sense of mystery - how do we defile the night? Do we defile it despite laying our fears and grievances to rest, or because of it? Or does this defilement make us want to set them aside? I'm not saying you should answer these questions, of course. Let the reader answer it for themselves.

I am a little confused about the last full stanza, the one beginning with, "Facts now become prejudice." It makes the reflective, wise narrator seem to be cynical, particularly since it is followed with the lines, "I am impervious to your arrogance./You ignore my wisdom." Maybe give your narrator a little dash of humility, or at least a more reflective tone with those two lines.

Great work! If you have any questions or want me to review anything else, I'd be happy to do so!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
6
6
Review of Survivor  Open in new Window.
Review by OKGO543 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi JO JO,

Your story has a couple of good pieces, but it strikes me as a story in progress more than anything. You have the tragic turning point, you have some good symbolism with the oak tree, you have the surface of a complex relationship. These could combine really well, but you will need to add more detail, more flow. Why did Hannah treat Satin the way she did? And why is Satin so accepting of how Hannah treats her? Put yourself in either character's shoes and see what you might come up with. And a general rule to follow is, make sure each character really wants something. Give them motivation!

Also, when it comes to the symbolism of the tree, perhaps a little more subtlety would improve on it. Otherwise, I think it's good!

If you have any questions or want me to review anything else for you, I'd be happy to do so!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
7
7
Review by OKGO543 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi L.M.,

These poems certainly don't lack in emotional weight. If they reflect what you personally are going through right now, I'm very sorry to hear it. I hope that writing these was therapeutic or consoling in some way.

I like the metaphors you use in this poem - pages, blades, ghosts, the Wanderer. If you want to sharpen these poems at all, focus more on those, expand on the description. That, I think, will give you a lot more room to express more fully and more precisely what you're trying to convey in this collection.

Also, think about the rhythm you're trying to create with these poems. The style of "Stay" is your best example of rhythm. Keep in mind that poetry is often lyrical; perhaps think of the sort of music to which this poem might be set if read out loud, even if it's just a drum beat. Also be careful with the rhyming couplets in these poems, particularly "me/thee", "near/here", and "fate/wait". Try to make them more precise, or at least more suitable to the rhythm/emotion.

Lastly, read some other poetry collections by famous poets. Get a feel for their style, their rhythm. Use that experience to your advantage.

Welcome to writing.com! I haven't been part of this community for too long, but in my experience, I've already found it to be a wonderful community of generous, helpful writers. I hope your experience here is genuinely helpful. If you would like any more reviews or have any questions, don't hesitate to contact me.
8
8
Review of Blue Jay  Open in new Window.
Review by OKGO543 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi RadicalRaiju,

You've got an interesting dynamic going on here. The girl the narrator is describing is pretty flat, but the narrator definitely seems to have something to say - the fact that they recognize that it was a sense of inferiority rather than love could result in a great interpretation of who the girl is, or at least a different perspective of the girl compared to the others on the track team or the other "queens".

The main thing is that this reads like the intro to a story. It's rather undeveloped - unless you plan on playing up the inferiority complex - so my main tip is to develop the characters. Give them dimensions, give them motivation. What do they want? Why? Why did she pick the narrator as a friend? Why did the narrator feel inferior? Why does she want to be "above" the other "queens"? That right there is your story.

Also, welcome to writing.com! It's a wonderful forum, and there's a ton of helpful people on here. Frankly, I wish I could give more time to this site. Best of luck in your writing!

P.S. here's some great tips from Kurt Vonnegut you could follow for this story. https://www.brainpickings.org/index.php/2012/04/03...
9
9
Review of Wings of Ice  Open in new Window.
Review by OKGO543 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Dungeon Warden,

First, your style is good, and there are only a couple of grammatical errors. You also have a firm sense of the dramatic in this story, which works well within the genre. You and your daughter surviving unscathed while the divinity student and old man die, though perhaps too tragic, makes this seem to be very much a miracle story.

You do risk some confusion by using part of the climax as the hook at the start of this story. I'm guessing the incident happens some time between the divinity student saying everything is going to be alright and the engine exploding, but not including anything about it in the actual climax of the story makes them contradictory to a point.

Good job overall. If you have any questions or want any additional review, I'll be happy to help.
10
10
Review of Think of Home  Open in new Window.
Review by OKGO543 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hi ItsASecret,

Quite a vivid story. I like the descriptive language, although you will want to be careful to make sure it rings true. If you want an excellent example of what the hell of war is like, I recommend Tim O'Brien's The Things They Carried. Otherwise, this is a solid story, the style works well, and I didn't spot any glaring errors.

On a side note, this reminds me of one of the final scenes in Lord of the Rings: Return of the King between Frodo and Samwise.

If you have any questions or want any additional review, I'd be happy to help.
11
11
Review of Car-Free Day  Open in new Window.
Review by OKGO543 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi, Parminder

Very nice! Your style is good, the story is realistic. You definitely hit the goal of successful satire with this piece. The only recommendation I have is to consider changing the ending so that your wallet goes missing and is never recovered - the irony of losing your license on Car-Free Day.

Also, I see you're a newbie on writing.com. I wish you the best on this site - there's a lot of great, helpful people here. If you have any questions or want more review, I'll be happy to help.
12
12
Review by OKGO543 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (2.5)
Hi, Natalia

Al sounds like one heck of a guy. In fact, he sounds like a guy that should have been in jail a while ago.

I know this is flash fiction, but should you choose to add to it and make it a longer story, there are a number of ways to make this even funnier. Think about how these characters feel and react. How does Al feel about having to kiss three random people? Does he have the capacity to say no? Why go to the Bahamas? Also, why did the librarian faint? Did the blonde woman have to be kissed by strangers before to pepper spray him? Why did the man dressed as a woman want to kiss him? How would YOU react to a stranger trying to kiss you in public? I'm only suggesting these questions as a means of making your story more realistic. Realism, I think, will be the key to making this story even better.

Also, welcome to writing.com! There's a lot of helpful people here - take advantage of that. If you have any questions or want more review, I'd be happy to help.
13
13
Review of Different Views  Open in new Window.
Review by OKGO543 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hi, Jeff

This poem strikes a chord with me. To some readers, it might be trite, but really, it rings true for anyone who tries to keep faith in God in our convoluted world.

It looks like you have two poems mashed into one here. You address two different points: first, trying to understand the viewpoints of others, and then trying to live the life God wills for you. Right now, it's a bit confusing, so I think if you focus on either of those, you'll have a solid work here.

Also, don't be afraid to use figurative language and/or metaphor. The beauty of poetry - especially religious poetry - often lies in capturing the ideas in symbolism, since describing them directly might not capture the feelings that God and your faith evoke. You could look to writers such as Thomas Merton or to the Bible for examples/inspiration.

Lastly, welcome to writing.com! There's a lot of very helpful, generous people here. If you have any questions or want any more review, I'd be happy to help.
14
14
Review by OKGO543 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi slowmotionsunset,

Overall, the idea of this poem is good. You have solid figurative language, and the structure is on the verge of being quite beautiful.

There are two things that are stopping this poem from being as good as it can be. First, it is really repetitive. You mention the same idea ('black and white" throughout, and "river" in the second stanza) multiple times, all of them close together. The ideas themselves are good, so one way you could improve it is to explore the scene even more. What are the buildings like? What are the people doing on either side of the river? How do the laborers of different races treat each other? Just a few suggestions. Second, you show you're capable of figurative language. Don't be afraid to use it even more. Be bold, dive into metaphor!

Again, nice work, and welcome to writing.com. There's a lot of very helpful people here - take advantage of that. If you have any questions or want any more review, I'd be happy to help.
15
15
Review of The Lesson  Open in new Window.
Review by OKGO543 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, Ken,

I feel there's no room for me to criticize style or grammar for two reasons: one, your style is good, and two, I'd be putting myself in Ms. Baker's shoes. I especially like Charles's boldness particularly at the end.

The only places where I saw trouble was at the end, with a couple sentences. First, you don't need to describe Charles as that "malcontent" - it's implied throughout his dialogue. Second, it seems to be a bit repetitive when Ms. Baker wants to scream at Charles. I think the anger is described well enough when the blood rises in her face.

Nice work all around. Also, best of luck from a fellow newbie - there's a lot of very helpful people on this site.

15 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 1 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/okgo543