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Review of The Crystal Heart  Open in new Window.
Review by Eileen Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello, I enjoyed reading your story. I found a few places where you might improve it though.

“Is it more or less delicate than the real thing,” question mark here.

"its rows upon shelves of immaculate antiquity" This sentence seems to imply that there are a lot of antiques in the shop but it focuses on the rows and shelves rather than how many items there are in the shop, therefore I might change it to "the shelves were crammed full with immaculate antiquity" or something like that. Also, an antique shop generally isn't very big so "rows upon shelves" makes me think its a warehouse-size antique shop. Unless that's what you were going for.

"A whisper of paper as Carson tore the check from the book" I'm not really sure how paper "whispers". Tearing a check out can be quite loud in a quiet room (As you learn when you're raised going to church). I think its more of a crack or pop sound.

"they had down little to clean up after themselves." Done.

"barked his shin" I think you mean something along the lines of banged or hit.

Really cool story. Well written, and intriguing.

Keep up the good work!
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Review of Oklahoma Memories  Open in new Window.
Review by Eileen Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello!

Very interesting story. It's interesting to imagine that even in the future with better technology and things we only dream of right now that people will still have to face the same problem we've always faced, getting old and breaking down. Unless the laws of the universe change I imagine that is something we will never be able to stop.

Very cool little story, nice work!
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Review by Eileen Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, I found this on 'Please review' and I'd like to offer some constructive feedback.

This is an interesting piece. A Nordic setting (Iceland inspired?) on the sea/lake?/water seems like a pretty good setting for elves. I pictured it was being overcast and a little chilly. Your main character is stuck on board with nothing else to do but talk to people or stare into space, which leads to a conversation with a fellow passenger. This allows you to tell the reader what the main character does and where he is going without dumping info on them.

You might consider adding some more details like what a half-elf looks like, what the setting looks like. Maybe I missed it but I don't recall the MC having a name. It's a creative choice not to name your characters but I personally prefer characters have names unless it's a major plot point, like in Fight Club, where giving the MC's name would have given away the story.

One more thing, In this part:""The stuff under your nails is quite colorful, dear."
In the line before it she looks at his palm like she's going to read it, but by mentioning the stuff under his nails she gives away how she knows. This would be fine but then the MC says"...that was the best fortune telling I've seen." Unless he's not very smart, it's obviously not fortuntelling. You might consider changing that.

Lastly: " I answered, trying to get her hopes up." I think you meant something along the lines of "Indulging her." Getting her hopes doesn't really work here.


Overall a fun, interesting piece. Keep up the good work! Happy writing!

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Review of Welcome home  Open in new Window.
Review by Eileen Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello,

Its hard to review a story that's missing two parts, I'd recommend putting all the parts together in one story especially if you are going to ask for a serious review.

That being said, I have a few pointers for this.

" the near silence of flickering flames and trailing steps" I'm not sure what you mean by 'trailing steps' maybe 'echoing steps' works better?

"A streak turns." A streak of what? Light? Color? the blade itself? Maybe clarify this a little.

"on impact a burst of white flame." This is kind of awkward. Maybe change to "igniting into white flame on impact." or something like that.


Overall this is a pretty good story, its got action, interesting characters, and a compelling twist.

Keep up the good work!
5
5
Review of Fear  Open in new Window.
Review by Eileen Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello!

I came across this at random, so here are some of my thoughts on this.

First of all, there is nothing wrong with being critical of your work or even believing it's not worthy of publication. As long as you are determined and keep working, eventually you will feel better about putting your work out there. The fear never really goes away but if you are able to look at it realistically then you can overcome it.

There are a few things to consider when dealing with this fear. Number one, everybody is a critic. Its cliche but true. There are some people in your life who will praise your work as Gods gift to humanity, and it's always nice to hear from them, but you won't be able to escape criticism. Some people criticize because they are jealous, some because they genuinely want to help you. No matter what its hard to hear. The key is to deal with it as graciously as possible and move on. Just don't be afraid of criticism. If you write the worst thing in the world, you have nowhere to go but up.

Number 2, this fear isn't irrational. It's actually a very good thing to feel. It's your own personal integrity demanding you produce the best work possible. Publishing work that people are going to pay for is scary for the sole reason that if people pay hard earned money for a genuinely crappy product, they are not likely to pay money for a genuinely good product and your writing career will end before it begins. Well, now that is a little irrational. If you publish something bad it's not the end of the world. There are always new readers. The point is, though, that if you want to be successful, you have to produce, good, entertaining work and its ok if your first published work is significantly inferior to later work. That's normal.

Lastly, create what you're passionate about. It's great that you put your pictures up for sale and that you learned about fickle things like commercial outlets. But that's not entirely true. There is a market for anything you produce. Anything. Its called free. Its why WDC is so successful. You can put your work out for free, and have it basically revised and edited for free. It's not the same quality as if you paid an editor, but its enough to help you learn and just because you give something away for free at first does not mean you can't go back and charge for it later. Especially on the internet. Don't underestimate the value of free. Of course, you take pictures that are in high demand and maybe make a few bucks but that demand can change on a dime. Your work quality may suffer if you aren't creating something you're passionate about. And that's not going to help alleviate your fear.

(Shameless Plug Time) I suffer from the same fear every day but just to make it a little bit worse let me tell you a recent experience I've had. I decided I wanted to go into self-publishing for my work. It seems like a viable enterprise. The main problem I have is I can not afford professional editing. For a novel, that's going to run around one to two grand. Nope, can't do it. So here I am, stuck with my work until I can save for that sort of thing. However, I've had this short story sitting around for some time. I really like it so I decided it would be my experiment and I would go through the self-publishing process minus professional editing. I had my sister help me edit it and sent it out for the world to see. I expected to get some feed about poor structure, plot, characters, grammar, so on. And I was ready for it. However, before I publish a crippling fear overcame me. I almost didn't go through with it, and that was not that it would be criticized for being bad, but actually that no one would read it. Well, guess what? That's what happened. Turns out there's something worse than criticism.

If you've gotten this far thank you for reading my ramblings. Remeber, you're not alone, everyone has this problem, but it's not so hard to conquer as you think. Just keep going, keep learning and improving and enjoy the challenge.

Good Luck!
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Review of A Glass of Water  Open in new Window.
Review by Eileen Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Very well done. It says a lot about a writer who can take an idea no one expects to be any good and give it a twist that makes it intriguing and deep. The only critique I have is that it has to be pretty hot to actually see water vaporizing, maybe remove that particular description.

also "until it the glass" Should just be "until the glass"

Keep writing!
7
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Review by Eileen Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Alright, honest review time.


The ultimate problem with this story is that it doesn't deliver what you promise.

Whenever you pose a problem to the reader you are making a promise to address and in some form or another resolve that problem.

That doesn't mean everything has to be fixed and hunky-dory at the end of the story, it just means something has to happen regarding the problem.

In this story you make a lot of promises.

one of the first is this paragraph

"Why hadn’t they attacked again? That confused him! These aliens, whoever they were launched a massive initial attack and then stopped and nothing since. Perhaps they knew they had won and this was them playing with him. Oh, he didn't doubt for a moment that they knew he was there, they were just waiting but on what?"

Now I want to know what they are waiting on too, and I expected there to be some sort of answer. I thought the aliens may attack them in the end, and by the way you built up the silence bit, I thought everyone had been killed by a stealth attack from the aliens, and I was disappointed when the aliens didn't shown up especially when the title suggests that they will.

Still even though the aliens didn't show up, I would have been satisfied if something had come of the Morse code bit. Like maybe they had translated it and discovered a group of people who needed to be rescued who also had critical information about the aliens, then the leader could have ordered a dangerous rescue mission that he hoped would shed some light on all his questions.

Which bringing me to my next point, about all the questions. I find in my own writing that when most of the narrative is my main character asking questions, its not really my character asking the questions, but me. Your main character doesn't have to know everything, obviously he doesn't, but I'd like to see more action then questions, especially because when your character asks questions, the reader expects some sort of answer. Not all questions have to be answered but they need some sort of resolution. For example, if nothing electrical works, then your mc might reason that they are using fire and mirrors maybe. That could mean they are relatively close.

Try having your character answer his own questions before he even asks them. like "nothing electrical had been working since the attack, so they might have been using fire, which meant they had to be relatively close. He watched the light, looking for flickering or coloring that might indicate fire and humanity."

He can't just think what the answer might be either, he has to do something to answer it. In the bit above, he thinks that they might be using fire, and then he tries to determine if he's right. Little actions like these can help move your story along and open up a wide array of possibilities. Instead of waiting for someone who knows morse code, he might deem it worth the risk to send someone to find whoever was sending the signal, That would be the most direct way to determine what the code was.

If I seem a little harsh, its because I think this is really good story idea that just needs a little more work, particularly in the ending. Its frustrating to get into a story and start caring about if the character is going to get all his answers and then not find out.

I hope this was helpful, even if only a little. Keep on writing, don't let anything stop you, because you can only get better :).
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Review by Eileen Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
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Very interesting. I am a big fan of quantum mechanics and such. They are some really cool theory's, but the math is murder. Never the less, I always enjoy a good story like this.

It takes a lot of thought to understand the theory's you have used for this. I think you probably have a good understanding of them but for this story I think you could work on your explanation of them. Most people who read this probably aren't interested in quantum mechanics, let alone understand it. While I'm a firm believer in not dumbing stuff down, people don't want to have to do a bunch of research just to understand a story. Basically, try to explain it using simple examples in as little time as possible because it gets boring.

There a few things you should probably work on. In a word, this story is wordy. There are a lot of long sentences that are hard to keep track of.
For example
"I asked the shopkeeper hoping he could give me some more details about how he got hold of the book but all he knew was that he had bought the book together with some other things from the legacy of an old cracked man who lived on the hill over the town"

You could shorten like this:
"I ask the shop keeper where the book had come from. It came from the legacy of a old cracked man who lived over the hill."
You should look through the rest of the story for parts that you can condense by using stronger verbs and more pointed language.

"I was sort of trying to think of something new"
This, for example. I know what you mean, "sort of but not really trying that hard and not have that much luck anyway." Thats what I think of when I'm "sort of" trying to do something, but thats not important in the least. Whats important is what is actually happening.
"I was trying to think up a new trick, but with little luck"
this is more concise and and to the point that "I was sort of trying to think of something new but I didn’t have the faintest idea where I should start."
Its doesn't seem that important to me that the reader know that he doesn't know where to start. What's important is that we know that he is trying to come up with something new but having a hard time.

Another thing I noticed is that you use the passive voice a lot and it really takes away from the flow.
For example:
"After our world tour last summer I was having a short vacation in one of my bungalows at the seaside."
The problem here is "was having." its passive, it denotes what's happening to the recipient of the action "vacation" rather than the person acting. We want to know about Simon, not the things he was doing.
"After our world tour last summer I went on a short vacation...." This is active, this is what he actually doing. This is stronger and puts the focus on Simon.

"I had spent more than an hour there browsing the shelves"
Another example, tell us what he did, not what happened. "I spent more than an hour browsing the shelves." You also don't need to tell us he's "there", we know where he is.

"I could forget about everything having so many fabulous books around me." Notice you didn't say here " I COULD HAVE forgotten about everything"
You get the same point across "I could forget but didn't" either way, but the way you wrote it sounds better, and flows better.

Try to go over this story and make it more active and more concise. I think this story is a cool concept but right now it is hard to picture what is happening. I hope I have provided some helpful advice. Nice work!

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Review of IF ONLY...  Open in new Window.
Review by Eileen Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
This is cute! It took me a while to figure it out but I got it! The only thing you should probably fix is that it changes tense. you wrote " I wouldn’t stick my hand into the cupboard." but then at the end you wrote "I wouldn’t have cursed " It sounds like it should be "I wouldn’t have stuck" and so forth. Other than that, really cute story!


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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon
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Review of Final Hours  Open in new Window.
Review by Eileen Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
o.0...that's really violent. Its hard to come up with a good, in depth review for such a short piece, but I'll try. One thing that comes to mind is the summary
"Toby wishes he was dead."
I wasn't really expecting such a bloody story from that, probably because people tend to use it when they want to be dramatic.
"Tina's hair was a mess, she wished she was dead."
I think you could fit more details in this. I'm guessing you only have 100 words to work with, but consider this. The shortest story ever written is considered to be a story by Hemingway, and is six words long.
"For sale. Baby shoes. Never worn."
Just something to consider when writing such short pieces like this. If Hemingway can write a story in six words, then 100 words should be more than plenty to write an outstanding short story.

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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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Review by Eileen Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
What a cute little story. I thought it was written pretty well, although awkward at some parts. Not sure about the old movie since I've never seen it, but I think I can suggest some improvements.

"crannies like swiss cheese...or a brain"
Swiss cheese looks nothing like a brain, so the analogy is confusing. I would stick with just the cheese.

"And as everyone knows awareness must expand: it's a law of the universe"
I don't think this is an actual law, though if you know differently I'd like to know. Not sure what you should do about this, if anything.

"The meteorite eventually showed up on NASA's instruments."
Instead of saying "showed" which I think just sounds bad, try " was eventually detected by" or "appeared"

"A meteorite with awareness does not burn up like average meteorites; it's an unknown law of the universe."
I'm pretty sure thats not a law of the universe, mainly because it doesn't make sense. It sounds very childish really but it kind of goes with the rest of the story.

"Now, the lakes movement and action"
You don't need "now", you could take it out completely, or use "eventually", but "now" sounds awkward.

"There was some friendly smalltalk at first, but I won't bore you with that."
I'm pretty sure this is the only place in the story where you say "I". The rest of the story is narrated in third person. This throws off the flow.

"talking his lungs out"
generally, fish don't have lungs. I'm not sure if you meant something by this, or if you just didn't notice it.

Overall, good little story. Its constructed well and written in an interesting style. Nice work!

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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon
12
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Review by Eileen Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
What an interesting story! I'm not very familiar with the steam punk genre, but when I read it in the description I thought it would be an interesting twist on a Sherlock Holmes story. I like what you've come up with. It's a cool, steam punk story with good old Sherlock on the case. It wasn't exactly what I was expecting though.

I thought this might be more like a modern kind of Sherlock Holmes, but the character you adapted was defiantly from the books. That's cool though, just not what I was expecting.

One thing that I really didn't care for was how they constantly referred to each other as Holmes and Watson. I can understand it every once and a while, but you never once refer to Sherlock as Sherlock, or Watson as John, but more on that later.

I noticed some things you need to fix, or could be changed.

"Faraday heaved himself unto the" I think you mean "onto" this mistake appears throughout the story, you should go back and look for it.

“A day is sufficient.” Holmes opened the victim’s vest and shirt, noted the wounds, " At this point, you should use his proper name "Sherlock Holmes". At the very least, I would recommend calling him Sherlock, or Sherlock Holmes at other points though out the story to mix things up a little.

"Watson stopped. He thrust out his chest and adjusted his spectacles in amazement. “Why, Holmes, you’re saying there’s a railroad right under our feet. Preposterous!”
I think that you do not give enough information for Watson to come to this conclusion at this point. I think he would be a little more confused at what Sherlock is suggesting. I kind of thought he might ask something along the lines of "where did he get those injuries from? we're nowhere near a rail way?" Just my opinion though.

"The proprietor smiled. It was a pleasure doing business with such fine gentlemen." This is a random and completely unnecessary point of view change. The story at this point is focused on Holmes's and Watson's internal thoughts and external actions. So randomly switching to some other character like that is confusing.

"windows looking out into the street. Opened it" I saw this a lot though out the story, fragmented sentences. It should be "street and opened it."

“I feel better. Doubtless due to your advice and medication.” another example, needs a comma, not a period.

"then jiggled the reins to get moving." As a horse enthusiast, I dislike the way you have worded this. One does not "jiggle" the reins. Generally, fiddling with the reins can lead to damage of a horses mouth. So you might change this to something along the line of " He directed the horse forward."

"something better to occupy their time; it was hunting dangerous criminals." It is better not to use a semi-colon if you can. You could change this to "something better to occupy their time, hunting dangerous criminals." That's a little less awkward I think.

"Holmes taped a stick to the wall. The satisfying sound of a match flaring, then the hiss of a fuse." Another example of an awkward, fragmented sentence. The only way I can think of to make it less awkward would be to change it to "there was the sound..." but thats still a little awkward. You can think about this one.

"In the darkness straight ahead were two red dots. As the hum changed to a weak rumble the dots split into four."
Fragment again.

“I second that.” Holmes pulled a stick of dynamite out of a pocket, and placed it under one of the inner rails." I like this!

"Again the sound of combustion rushing to demolition." Fragment

"Each put a hand under their jacket. Nodded just barely. Turned."
Again, fragments, I'm starting to understand what you are trying to do, but its not really working. This would have much more impact if it were written correctly "Each put a hand under their jacket, nodded just barely, and turned." this way is smoother, and doesn't distract the reader from whats going on.

“I am Holmes. And, this is Watson. Will you surrender peacefully?” This is another point where you should use Sherlock's full name, because he is introducing himself. Watson should be introduced as Dr. Watson.

"Incredible. Absolutely incredible!" Comma after Incredible.

Other than those thing, I really liked this story. I think you did a good job creating and developing your characters. I think you were able to say a lot about them in the little time you took. I liked the whole part where Maxwell is putting on his mask because he doesn't want anyone to see his disfigurement. It says a great deal about his character and its what I would expect from such a villain. I've been craving some mystery, particularly of the Sherlock variety, especially since my friend made me watch the movies with Robert Downy Jr. So this was a great find! Keep up the good work!

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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon
13
13
Review of Thorn Tower  Open in new Window.
Review by Eileen Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi there! I'm reviewing this for your nuclear package in the power review shop.

This is written so well, and it is an interesting twist to a classic story. I really like the song. Its simple and it adds an element of mistrust in the story. Anyone who studied Greek mythology would be wry about a song to alluring, obviously the prince is not one of those people. Being one of those people I knew that there was something wrong with Rapunzel, but I didn't see it coming. The whole thing was done very well, the build up, the revelation. Brilliant!

There was only one thing I could find that you might change, and its not very big.

" Bracing his foot on the prickly wall, he began to climb. He hoped that he didn’t snap her neck in the ascent."
This was the only awkward part, you might make this one sentence.
"Bracing his foot on the prickly wall, he began to climb, hoping he didn’t snap her neck in the ascent."

I especially liked the way you appealed to the senses. I could hear the horses, smell the stew, and feel the nastiness at the end.
This is the kind of work I like to see , keep up the amazing work!

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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon
14
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Review by Eileen Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi again! Review five!

A very good poem, it really out lines what a war widow has to go through. I can feel the emotions that this poor woman is feeling and how hard it must be for her.

I didn't find this terribly symbolic, except for the poppy. Maybe I missed some?

I think this could be more visual. I don't think you need to go and re-write the whole thing or anything, just my opinion for future pieces. What I mean is I think you could use more imagery words.
I like the lines
"He went to protect our freedom,
But fell foul of a roadside bomb."
I can visualize that, thats great, then the line.
"And that of his wife; do you see?"
Yes I can see, but I think there is a better way to say that, a better way to sum up what she has to go through. Something that shows how she had to make a sacrifice too. Of course the whole poem is about that, but rather than asking the reader if they can see that, I think it would be more powerful to show it to them, is just a few words.

Again, not suggesting you go back and change it. I like it the way it is, and it won for a reason. Just some food for thought next time you are writing a poem.

Very nice work! Very nice tribute to those who give us everything they have so that we don't have to. Well done!

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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon
15
15
Review of The Victims  Open in new Window.
Review by Eileen Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi there! I noticed that this has been on the power review shop board since august. Thought I'd contribute one more to your package.

This is a very well written story. It flows nicely and there are no confusing scenes. The setting is explained well, the main character transitions from one place to the next without making me have to go back and read where that happened. In other words you don't jump around where he is at work and then suddenly at home.

I like how you developed Luke's character, it is fairly realistic. Immediately we see that he is very upset by the discovery of the affair, so much so that it makes him sick. When I read that I figured that he would probably forgive his wife. Of course you don't reveal it just like that. I like how you presented the background story. It was his way of thinking about the situation rationally and coming to the conclusion that he would forgive her. At the same time you reveal to the reader what the back story is. It is also a good look into Isabel's character.

There are a few problems I found with this story. The most obvious to me is that you switch the main character's name every so often. I assume you wrote one name and then decided to change it. In any case you should go back and make sure you have the right name.

The detective scene was a little weird. They mention that she leaves a message on his phone, and when Luke explains her relationship with the man, that seems to make sense to them. Somehow I don't think a message left by someone having an affair with another person could be misconstrued as a message from a business relationship. Sure it could be something like "I've made my decision, call me back/can we meat?" If she were calling about a business matter I expect she would mention what it was. So I think the detectives would be a little more suspicious.

Overall, good story. I hope this review was helpful. Keep on writing!

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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon
16
16
Review of The hunted  Open in new Window.
Review by Eileen Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi there! Welcome to writing.com! I found this story on the newbies page.

There is a lot to like about this story. Its an interesting spin on the topic of hunting. Looking at the hunters from the perspective a the deer, while its been done before, its quite interesting when you don't know its the deer.

There are a few things you can improve on here.

For starters, you should indicate when you are going to change points of view. At the end, after the two deer move into the woods and you go to the next morning, you can indicate it by something like this ***** between the paragraphs. Some people don't like that but I've seen it done plenty of times so I think it works.

Overall the story is very choppy. It doesn't flow together very well. One minute they hear the radio, the next they are at the cabin. I would think that the deer would be somewhat familiar with the campsite. You might describe how the female notices the difference between the campsite from when she last saw it. If she has seen different humans there, not hunters, instead of just describing the stuff like the truck, bottle/trash, and guns, you might describe how this differs from say a nice family who stayed there last time. Or if she has never see it before, mention how it makes her feel. Scared, creeped out, disgusted?

Again, this is a good little story, sad, but good. I hope this review has helped you in some way. Nice Work!

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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon
17
17
Review of Beyond the Black  Open in new Window.
Review by Eileen Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Cool! Looks like an exciting beginning to an exciting story! I like how well you describe the action. I like how caption Burns is keeping track of the battle despite a worrisome head injury. The the conversation between him and the AI keeps the story moving and is a great way to describe the action, rather than just narrating Burn's thoughts. There is one thing that was a little weird. You describe her voice as being pleasant. I think you were trying to be ironic in that such a voice would be disturbingly out of place in that situation. It doesn't really come off that way to me. I think calm would be a better way to describe it, just my opinion though.

While the interaction between the AI and Burns was good, it revealed very little about his character. This story is mostly focused on the action rather than character development from what I can see. I think you could add a little more internal dialog for him. You could also have him interact with other members of the crew, rather than just having orders sent through the AI. Or you could mention how the fact that he doesn't really interact with the crew affects him and the story. Stuff like that.

As usual a beautifully written story. Just needs a little more development in the character department. Although I think the line "Better not prolong it, then," says a lot about his charter. Nice work!

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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon
18
18
Review of Chapter 1  Open in new Window.
Review by Eileen Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
An interesting start, but I don't think this is enough to draw the reader in. The conversation is properly threatening but its hard to tell if it is really going to be a problem for your main character. One thing you will hear a lot if you read about how to write a good story is that you have to give your characters a conflict that will show the reader what they are made of.

You may have plans for bigger problems for your character but right now the conflict you've set up doesn't seem to be that great. Of course this isn't nessisarily the conflicts fault. It also has to so with character development.

As you write this you will reveal where your characters shortcomings are and his physical and emotional limitations. These will be the problems he will have to overcome in order to overcome the conflicts you throw at him.

You should keep that in mind as you continue to write this story.

I like how you explain who "the Boss" is. It's a good start for your main conflict, but it would also be a good place to start building your character. He knows the boss is dangerous and if he continues with the case he will definitely have to deal with him directly. How is this going to effect marcus? If he could just walk right in and demand that he give the lady back her money it wouldn't be much of a story.

Maybe marcus had dealt with the boss before and didn't come out so well. Maybe he took her case because he wants to get revenge. Whatever his motivation to take on this guy it should reveal marcus's character is some way. It should also be a challenge for him. You say he couldn't resist the case. why? If its just because a hot girl came in then the boss must not be that great of a threat. It looks to me like you are going to reveal later that marcus bit off more than he could chew. If that is where you are going then you need to show the reader that.

Give the reader some incentive to read on. I'm not sure I would read more of this. Why should I? I'm not emotionally invested in the character. Not that you have to completely build your character in the first chapter. But you should reveal enough to make me want to read more about him. For example I read a book about a guy who was looking for his little brother. He was a good guy but he'd joined the mafia to earn the money to continue his search. Isn't that sweet? You don't have to make your character like that. You can make him however you want, just make sure that however you make him you give the reader a reason to read more about him.

You also need to work on wording. This whole chapter was awkward to read, but thats not really that important right now. Draft your story, then you can work on making it pretty.

I think you should keep writing this if you like it. It looks like it could be a really great story.

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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon
19
19
Review of Red Devils  Open in new Window.
Review by Eileen Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Cool! Very interesting concept, but there I found a lot to go over with you in this review. So here we go.

What I liked.

I really liked the story. I assume you intended for the reader not to realize that the astronaut goes back in time until the end. I thought he was just in some sort of post apocalyptic America. Or was he? If he did go back in time, then very good! If not then you need to make that a little clearer.

I liked how they were going to KSC. I may or may not live in that general area (shifty eyes) I really want to go on the Vehicle Assembly Building tour they are offering right now, but I can't fiend anyone to go with me.

My favorite thing about this story is the beginning. You did a really great job of drawing the reader in. It's exciting and it made me want to keep reading. Nice work!

Now that being said.

What you need to work on.

I liked the opening paragraph, the scene you presented was really exciting, but the wording and the structure took away from that. I'd like to direct you attention to "immense pressure of 111,600,000 miles per hour per second". I actually had to look that up and see if those were real units of measure or just a typo. When I first read it I thought it was. Here is the problem. You start out strong and fast. "Adjust, adjust, adjust" That's urgent, it needs to be done now! you set the pace fore the whole story in just those three words. Then you go on strong to describe the dire situation that the ship is in. Then you interrupted this fast strong pace with this really long number with confusing units that I have to stop and go "wait, what was that?". I get that you are still trying to impress upon the reader how bad the situation is but the actual effect is that the reader has to stop and try and figure all that information out. Instead, pick an easier number to read, like " Over a million miles an hour." Try to write it not using units like miles per hour or meters per second squared if you can. Try using words like Mach. If you must use a unit, try to use a common name like the Newton. Readers can look them up but it wont break your pace.

Wording.

The other thing that kind of messed up your beginning is the way some of it was worded.

"To his horror, what he saw now would haunt him for the rest of his life. " You don't need the word now, its present tense. The story is in past tense, even though you are talking about the future.

"The sky being a dark chemical ash cloud, the oceans being a murky solid black moiling ball , tsunami's and fierce waves splashed on each other in a game in who was the strongest, storms raged into the oceans."

It looks to me that here you are trying to use a word other than "was" because was is overused or whatever. The problem is that words like "was" are used all the time for a reason, they work. It's a word you read but don't read it. It's like a support word the reader moves through the sentence admiring all the descriptive words, they don't notice they are reading "was" until its not there, and then it's like triping over a plank that's not there. The only time it is a bad word is when it stops being a support word and starts being a primary word.
like "she was going to the store then she was going to go home. She was tire and smelly and was in great need of a nap." vs "She need to go to the store before she could go home and fall down on the couch and sleep. She need to get some soap but much to her chagrin the store was closed."

So, "being" is just awkward and does not have the effect you are trying to get, but if you don't want to use "was" then mix it up!
"The Sky had been scorched by dark chemical ash, the once sparking Atlantic churned a black oozing goop."

I'm not exactly sure what you mean by Tsunamis and waves fighting each other. Big waves are big waves and waves don't really fight storms. You could probably get rid of that line entirely. It doesn't really paint a clear picture.

I want to touch on the dialog for a moment. Its one of those things that I can't pin point exactly what I think you need to do to fix it so I don't really want to get into it too much. However you do need to work on it.

"'' Florida....allrighty... '' He muttered. " I wasn't exactly sure why he said this. I guess he could be going to Huston but it wasn't made clear if that was the original plan. However he seems surprised about going to FL You could make this a little more clear by having him question the co-ordinates. "Why FL? What happened to Huston?" something like that.

The other thing is that the cowboys dialog doesn't really match their status. They are talking like modern day, for lack of a better word, gangstas! Thats why I originally thought it was a post apocalyptic world. I thought "oh cool, these modern gangs have resorted to some sort of old west out law life." But if they really are in the old west then they probably wouldn't say anything like "homie." Watch out for that.

Setting.

You wrote the setting for the ship really well, but when you got to the out laws you mostly focused on dialog. You didn't really tell us how they were interacting with their environment.You tell us they are in the desert but you don't really describe whats going on in it. Is the dry desert wind blowing sand into their faces? Or is it unnaturally still? Do the horses hooves kick up dust behind them? What kind of plants are there?
How does the leader react physically to the conversation with his father? does he huff, sigh, growl? Try adding some more narration to that part.

"It seemed almost like a human. It moved its arms up, to the visor. He pressed a button and steam emerged from underneath its head. He took the helmet out and gasped, breathing and moving around." You switch from it to he, stick with it because they don't know it's a he yet.

Like I said, this is a really cool story, and it's set up for more, that's great! Let me know if and when you have more up, I'd like to see where this is going. I hope this review has helped you, I don't have time to read your other story tonight but I'll try to get to it tomorrow. In the mean time write on!

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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon
20
20
Review by Eileen Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi there! I'm reviewing your essay for the WDC Power Review Group monthly raid.

I picked this essay because I have never heard of the concept. It is obviously something you feel strongly about and I commend you for giving a shout out! I hope to help you improve this essay so that you may more strongly influence the masses.

After reading this essay my personally conclusion is that Canned Poaching is a pathetic, disturbing, self-esteem booster. For a person to say they went to africa and actually hunted down that lion, but in reality they just killed one in a cage is really pathetic. I think that sums up the point you are trying to make.

However, I personally have no problem with hunting but only if it is truly done as nature intended. If a person goes out and finds their prey and has a purpose for that prey after they've killed it then I say go for it. But that's not the point of this essay. You topic is that canned poaching is wrong. The problem is that you don't stick to that topic. In the very last paragraph you talk about an animal that is shot and then possibly eaten by other wild animals. That is not canned poaching as you have defined it. My first piece of advice is to go through your work and take out anything that has to do with poaching in the wild unless it is somehow necessary in your explanation of canned poaching. If you want to write about hunting and poaching in the wild then you should write a separate piece for it. Stick to your topic.

Now lets talk about your argument. You are obviously make an argument, canned poaching is bad. But the whole essay reads like an informative essay. You never really say "my argument is". What I thought you were saying is "I'm going to tell you about canned poaching in a really really biased light." That's not what you want though is it? Yes you want to inform people, like me, about canned poaching, but you mainly want to get people to oppose it. You need to tell the reader from the get-go that that is what you want them to get out of this essay.

Here is how you do that.
You need to put you thesis statement at the very beginning, "this is what I think about this topic and what you should think too!" So in this case it could be as simple as "Canned Poaching is a pathetic, immoral activity." Then you can go on to present your evidence as to why people should believe that.

Like I said, this is written as an informative essay, but I really don't think that's what you want it to be based on what your wrote. However, you do need to inform the reader about what canned poaching is in case they don't know. I think you have done a really good job doing that. I think you could arrange it better though.

I like your first paragraph, I think at the very end would be a good place to put a thesis statement. After that would be a good time to go into greater detail about canned poaching. I like this sentence "Canned Hunting for trophies is the cowardly practice of killing helpless animals in small areas with no escape." that's a good summary. Then you can go into greater detail about it. Where the animals are acquired and other technical details about it. It should be written in a detached "this is what it is" tone. After that you would go into the "truth" about it. This is where you would put how you feel about it and why in greater detail than the glimps from the opening paragraph.

Now you must present your evidence, the facts. One thing I noticed about this essay is that it is very biased. Which is because you feel so strongly about it and want other people to feel disgusted in the same way. That is a really bad way to present an argument. People who already agree with you will go "I know I know! It's soo Bad!" but those are not the people you are trying to convince. The people you are trying to convince are those who don't know/care and those who agree with it. Appealing to pity will work with a good deal of the people who don't know or care, but it won't work with the people who take part in it or make money off of it, and those are the people you need to convince.


The other facts you can use are moral questions. If you do some psychology research you might find a study that shows how CP can be detrimental to human behavior or something like that.

What you need to present are facts. With an issue like this it is hard to find technical facts, but they one's you do find should be presented in the most logical light possible, you briefly touched on conservation. expand on that. Shouldn't unwanted exotic animals be bread in captivity so that possible their offspring can be introduced to the wild? Offer that as a solution for those making money off CP, try to come up with a way that those people could make more money with conservation. That would aid in motivating them to change.

Again, try to use as few "pity" words as possible. The people who engage in CP have already moved past that kind of thinking and trying to make them feel that way will very likely just make them angry, or they will make fun of you. Instead try to use strong words (not cursing) not, "you are a sick, despicable person" kind of words, but not passive aggressive words either. "oh killing that big strong tiger make you such a man, even though it was completely helpless in a cage" (hint of sarcasm). Your words should be logical and obvious. You have me convinced that CP is wrong not because you say that it is sad and pathetic and anyone that supports it should be ashamed, but because it is simply the truth. It is not manly, or impressive, and it is certainly counterproductive to conservation efforts.

There are a few things in this essay that simply don't make sense.

The Safari Club promotes the unsportsmanly conduct of the canned hunters.They like to murder animals who are only acting like animals, feeding and taking care of their offspring. Now, every redneck around is hunting alligators. They wrongfully think they are weeding out the populaton, but they are killing the breeders, does that sound right?

I don't see what alligator hunting has to do with this topic at all. You should either better explain it or take it out entirely. Asking if killing the breeders sounds right, well if you are trying to thin out the population that would be a good way to go about it. Instead of asking if it sounds right you need to explain why it is not thinning the population.


When will it stop? Probably never. The cost will just increase and people opporating the so- called sport will get richer. Friendly animas are being mowed down by crossbows and other cruel methods. The exotic animals that are not hand raised are cruelly killed by the cross bow, the hunter's favorite way to kill. It takes a lot of skill to use one.

Telling people that this will probably never stop is counter productive. They will think that there is nothing they can do anyway so why should they care?
Instead say something motivating here. Present it as a battle that we can win, but only if we fight. The bit about the cross bow is kind of irrelevant.

End this essay with a call to action, sum up why people should care and what they can do. Instead of saying the babies will be all alone and the mom will be up on a wall, say something like "with your help, we can raise awareness and give mom lion and her babies a chance to live and grow instead of ending up on some poacher's wall." To me that's much more motivating that an appeal to my pity. I can pity the lion all I want but what can I do about it? Tell the reader what they can do about it.


I was really excited about reviewing this essay for the raid this month. When I heard we would be focusing on non-fiction I wasn't sure I would be interested. So I looked so essays and When I read this I really liked how you are vocal about this topic. My intention is that I can help you better present this topic so that it is more convincing to those who disagree, and also motivating others to do something about it. Keep writing!

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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon
21
21
Review of Come Back  Open in new Window.
Review by Eileen Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
D'awwww! This is by far my favorite piece of yours so far! I'm a sucker for a cute love story :). I really think you should continue with this, or I wish you would because I think I like this one best. There is defiantly a lot of potential here, a war, a stupid king, a baby :D. I love how Halyne really compliments Seccair, they seem like they would be really cute together under better circumstance. I like how you portrayed Halyne's feeling about Seccair leaving for battle. She's not whiny about it but she's also not ridiculously understanding. She's just a little bit selfish and it makes her believable. Personally, I see her as a strong person but I like how she's not so self sacrificing that she wont admit she doesn't want him to go.

I really like the part about the necklace, its a cool twist for the traditional "remember me by this" token. I like the back story to it. I did get a little confused though. I got that his dad gave it to him when he left for battle and then took it back when he got back. I also understand the why to that. But the line "until one day he stopped going away, and gave it to me for good." At first I pictured that his dad retired or something and bequeathed it to his son. Then I realized that it must mean that his dad died in battle and "gave" it to him. But now that I've compared both ideas I'm still not sure. Maybe make that a little more clear.

also, one of the little things that bother me, "The next list of names of the dead may be of the people here. May be of you." I'm not sure if it is correct or not but "maybe of you" is kind of a weird way to put it. I kind of interpreted it as "may be the name of you" and that doesn't really work. I think "may be your name" would work better, just a thought though.

Oh, I also like the emotion, I can really understand how the characters are feeling! Very well done!

I think you should write more of this, assuming Seccair lives through the battle in the next part, I think you left it up to the reader? This could be a really good story if you want to write it. In other words, as it was so eloquently put the other day "MOAR!"

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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon
22
22
Review of In Fear We Stand  Open in new Window.
Review by Eileen Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Wow, now that's a pep-talk.

I really like the names you come up with. Seccair. That's really cool. It works as a stand alone story, although now I want to read Come Back.
I really like the internal dialog, I think it's a good way to build your character in a short amount of time. I also like how knowing what he's fighting for ties into his speech. He wants to get back home to his girl and he knows his men probably want to as well. Sadly many of them wont :( .
I love how you write, you describe everything so well, and this time you did remember the setting. You always have really good twists, simple and strait forward but still surprising and clever.

The demons really work as antagonist in the story. You don't have to get into too much detail for the reader to see that they are going to push the MC to his limits, even though you don't get into that. If you did get into the battle this would have made a really go entry to the last contest.

There are a few technical errors.

"The other knight gave a bitter laugh." Just my opinion on this, because it works, but I've never cared for lines like this. I mean how does one "give" a laugh? maybe just "laughed bitterly". Up to you.

{i]we who will make it so!” not in Italics, got messed up somehow.

"Come and face us." I think this is supposed to be in Italics?


Other than that, this definitely ranks as some of your best work, that I've read so far anyway. I'd wish you good luck but I don't think you need it.



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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon
23
23
Review of Omen  Open in new Window.
Review by Eileen Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Every time I sat down to write this review some one distracted me with some thing they wanted me to do, but now I'm free.

Awesome work, although that seems to be a trend with your stuff.
There are many things I like about this, the whole thing in general of course, but a few specific things too.

I like how "Arther" is a girl in this, a nice twist that I didn't see coming, I like the name too, Artura, how did you come up with that?

I'm not particularly familiar with the story of King Arther, or the many renditions of it, so I don't know exactly who he was before he became king. But I like how Artura is a street smart thief. It would be interesting if there was a little more about her life on the street, I think it would build her character. Of course if you wanted to write more of this then I'm sure you could get into it a bit more.

I especially like what you did with Merlin, I thought the name Arlen sounded familiar, and I figured he had to have used magic to take care of those guys, but I didn't put two and two together until Artura did.

I particularly like the part about tea. I know exactly how she feels about that tea, I once had an amazing cup of tea, it was some sort of chocolate Oolong tea, good stuff.

There are a few things that you could change.

For starters, I'm wondering why Merlin would have a book about himself in his own house. That's kind of weird, but what I don't get is why that book would make Artura think that Arlen was actually Merlin. I think she would have figured out that he was a wizard or whatever, who possibly studied under Merlin but not necessarily that he was Merlin himself. Maybe you could throw something else in there that only Merlin would have. Just a thought.

" And rightly so...And so it was that even as I, Morgan," thats kind of an awkward wording, having to say "and so" twice like that, even if there is a "really" in between.

The only other thing that was a little hard to understand was the very end when the world suddenly vanishes. I was a little confused about exactly what happened. At first i thought she might have passed out, but then it said she was awake. Then I thought that maybe Morgan had some how transported her to wherever he was. Then I realized it must have been some sort of vision. So yeah I little confusing, but I like how you wrap it up, but you also leave the reader with some questions, like how is Artura seeing this guy? I assume he doesn't know about it.

You could definitely write more of this if you like it, you seem to have set it up for more, but its also a good stand alone story since you have pretty much told us what is going to happen.

Oh btw, "Sunny with a chance of Alligators." Haha, yeah that's about right! Actually I don't think I have ever seen a wild alligator somewhere it's not supposed to be, like a neighborhood ditch. But I have seen bunches of them in our little swampy, river things. Haven't had gator tail yet though, but I'm working on it.

Eileen
24
24
Review of Checkmate  Open in new Window.
Review by Eileen Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Florida is nice, very hot, it's like walking into a sauna every time I go outside, hot and humid. It's like that pretty much all year round except in the winter when it occasionally likes to have cold spells and gets down to 30 F and night and around 50 F during the day. Yeah I know what you're thinking, "you think that's cold?!?!?!?!?" Well when you are use to 70 to 90 degree weather all year long, then yes, it's cold. We also have the beach which is nice, salty in the water and the air and sand gets in places you didn't know you had, but it's a nice place to cool off and sit around half naked in a bathing suit rubbing lotion all over yourself. We also have Disney and space travel.
What's it like up there in Vancouver? My parents went though there on their way to Alaska for a cruise but I'm sure hearing from a native would be much more informative.

I think this one is my favorite too, beautifully written. Not that I'd know anything about it but I think this could be published. I think I can safely say that because I've read published stuff that sucks compared to this. I commend your ability to handle six characters at once, I have a hard time dealing with three, but I guess this situation demands it.

I think William is my favorite character, and I think you wrote him best out of the five, Michael being the most in depth character because it's from his pov. I like how William is so artistic and attentive to detail, despite what sarge may say, I think the color of the explosion that signals the beginning of the end of such a devastating war is very important. Why was he going with blue, white and green though? It's the color of earth, but its also a color from the flags of each country in north America. Or was it just that those were his favorite colors? He is definitely the comic relief in the gang.

When they were all talking about their families I knew that at least Anderson was dead, but it wasn't until they got to the gun that I realized there was no way they were going to survive, any of them. There were simply too many Hyena, even with the gun taken out an extraction just wasn't practical.

I think the whole situation was kind of stupid on the military's part. Why wouldn't then tell the men it was going to be a suicide mission? Chances are that they would figure it out and that could put the whole mission in jeopardy. I'm on the fence about how this fact contributes to the story. On the one hand, I believe it. The military being run by humans I wouldn't put it past them to not tell the soldiers what they were getting into. It also makes me think that the military tended to make itself, collectively, into a omnipotent sort of entity. That the brass knew that the men wouldn't question the possibility of an extraction in that situation because the brass can make anything happen. At the point in the war that you have portrayed, I think that is a reasonable mind set for the men to have when humanities only hope for survival is the military. That's why I think the situation is believable. On the other hand I think the Brass should have been strait with the squad, because if say Anderson had realized there was probably a good chance that they wouldn't be able to extract them, and he reacted the same way he did when sarge told them, except before they blew up the gun, then that could have been a very big problem. Maybe I'm looking into it too deeply?
If you can guess based on my response, I really like how you did this. It makes for a good twist but it is also very thought provoking. It's an interesting change from the volunteer heroes who know they are going to die. Unwilling and upset though these guys are about the situation they do change the tide of the war, or so you lead us to believe.

I like the news cast in the beginning, its a really clever and succinct way to give us the back story and build the setting, the mission summaries too. I noticed how you set up the whole England alien base when they had a mission to retake Briton.

The dialog is very good, believable, and progressing the story along nicely.

The aliens and their equipment are creative and well described, I like how their heightened senses are actually a disadvantage to them.

I really had to try and find something you could change about this for the better. The only thing that really stood out was the explanation of the name Hyena. You mention that it is because of their appearance, is that it? I would think it would be because of not only that but their behavior as well. I would think these aliens might have a hyena like cackle, or maybe eating habits. You got into that a bit but you didn't connect it in anyway to their animal counterparts eating habits.

Other than that I can't think of anything else, this is an amazing piece of work and you obviously put a lot of effort into it. Awesome job!
Eileen
25
25
Review of What We Wrought  Open in new Window.
Review by Eileen Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Beautifully written. Nicely detailed, I almost felt like I was there. The whole story is like a combination of LOTR, Gears of war, and the Avengers. I'm definitely seen a lot of Boromir and Bilbo in Arkaed. Actually I think he might be channeling the whole darn fellowship. Then there's the portal with monsters coming out of it, and then they destroy the whole city. I was a little confused about the setting in the beginning, they were in the dark, and I guess they were in the wizards tower or something? Then next thing I know they are out in the village. Sounds like they got blasted out into the street by the explosion but I'm not really sure. One nit-picky thing, when he's about to rescue the little kid, he whispers a spell. Somehow I can't imagine someone whispering anything in that kind of chaos. Oh I guess one more thing, when he's told to start helping people get out, he wonders what four people can do for thousands, but it's not just four people, the soldiers and guards are there too, which you mention right after that. So it confused me a little, but I guess it works.

One other thing, the lack of back story of the stone also made this a little difficult to understand, like why they wanted the stone, where they heard about it, and what they suspected it would do for them etc. Other than those things really good story, you put a lot of effort into this and it shows, nice work!

Oh and Karen Traviss rocks my socks.

Write on!

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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon
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