Hi Nicki,
I read your latest awarded shortstory, “Homage” - fantastic , though I choose to review this item since poetry is my first love…
This is, as always, just my humble opinion please accept it in that spirit. Do not change what your vision and heart say should remain.
My impression:
You may be thinking "Yikes" since I’m swimming against the rest of the school on my rating for this poem – but it is of course just one opinion.
I love the shape of this poem. I mean, I (( l O v E )) the shape of this poem! Not just the whale fins, but also the way you mimicked the waves in the ocean by varying the letter sizes below.
The narration in the poem is wonderful as well, it is not too often that we get to read first person from a young whale’s perspective. Top points for creativity . I confess, though, I would have liked to see more sensory imagery, because I imagine living in water as an engrossing tactile experience. First person narration gives you that opportunity.
I found some areas of concern in regards to the iambic meter. After spending so much time looking at this meter when teaching it earlier in the summer, I might have microscopic eyes for this now. Or I could be totally off base. Here are my thoughts:
My name is Dylan, “Lover of the Sea.”
>> I think the word “of” is unstressed, and you used it later in the poem in an unstressed location:
instead of arid west
the day that I was born
>> Yes, I think the word “I” is stressed, but later in the poem you used it in an unstressed location:
but found I was depressed
There were a couple more meter questions I had, but since the meter is not requisite, I think you could simply remove that from the description line and let the poem stand on its own.
Suggestions:
If you did want to edit, I suggest scrapping the push for iambic meter, because this would allow you more freedom in word choice, and the imagery in this poem could be enhanced. For instance the sentence, “A whale lives under contract most exact,” feels a little off to me since whales don’t sign contracts, or even have appendages with the potential of opposable thumbs. I think if you were less constrained by meter, you could achieve a better analogy.
You know I love your writing, dearest Nicki, this creative poem included! I feel like I could rate it higher without the meter, and again the meter points are just my humble opinion.
Good job. Keep painting pictures with words!
Your fan and friend,
NOVAcatmando
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