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Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/notjackson
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188 Public Reviews Given
188 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I am not an expert reviewer, but I have some small amount of talent in the field of writing. I will not edit your work, but typos, grammar mistakes, etc. will be pointed out if I see them. I will give you my impression of your work, encourage you, and do my best to review the work.
I'm good at...
I do my best, whether I am good at it or not.
Favorite Genres
Action/adventure
Least Favorite Genres
Science fiction.
Favorite Item Types
Short stories and
Least Favorite Item Types
No least favorites.
I will not review...
Novels.
Public Reviews
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1
1
Review of A Box of Weeds  Open in new Window.
for entry "🏆A New Friend" Open in new Window.
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)

A "Positive Hearts Reviews Group" Open in new Window. review.
An "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window. review.
A "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window. review.

Hello IceSkatingSugarCube,

Happy WdC account annivesary.
What a lovely scene you've created. I like it! It involves a bartender who's an old man soon to be put into an assisted living home. Despair is in his heart; he wants to be independent, to stay in his own home. Then, as he stands behind the bar getting ready to throw out the stale coffee, the bar door opens. He eyes her rosy cheeks and silver hair as she takes a seat at the bar, gives her some coffee.

She says, "They'll be here soon."

A van, from the same assisting living place he is being forced into, pulls up outside. She goes out and is helped into the van. He smiles as he eyes her in his mind. Just maybe . . . he thinks, it was not a bad idea, living in the same assisted living home as her.

I noted no errors of any sort while I was reading this. The punctuation, grammar and the whole story is great.

Regards, jackson
2
2
Review of A Box of Weeds  Open in new Window.
for entry "Goodbye, Jayjay" Open in new Window.
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)

An "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window. review.
A "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window. review.

Have a happy WdC account anniversary! Oh boy! This is a heck of a story! Great! The lead character, Mark, is a second grader. On this day, he is all dressed up for the funeral of his best friend, Jayjay. Suit and tie, solemn in his heart, and all the other things a boy feels when his best friend has died.

The part I liked best . . . because until I read it, I thought Jayjay was a human, was when Mark lifted the cigar box and placed it in the hole by the bed of roses.

I have two tiny suggestions for these sentences: "Okay, kids! Come get refreshments!" his mother called . . ."

Capitalize (his)

"Do you think you'll get another lizard?" one of his classmates asked. (One) needs capitalization. Or alternately, begin each sentence with the phrase at the end, followed by a comma. (One of his classmates asked, "Do you think you'll get another lizard?")

I loved this!

regards, jackson
3
3
Review of A Box of Weeds  Open in new Window.
for entry "A Box Of Weeds" Open in new Window.
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)

An "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window. review.
A "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window. review.

Hello IceSkatingSugarCube,

Happy WdC account anniversary again. I had to read this story because of the title, A Box of Weeds. For those who haven't read this, it's a story of innocence, love, compassion happiness and at the last, sadness. The narrator of the story is Isaiah, an eight year old boy. Isaiah is returning from a roadtrip with his parents when he first sees the box on the floor of their car; it disturbs him. Many speculations run through his mind as to what it could be. Later, he finds out it is a box of weeds. Isaiah has no clue; he thinks it is so strange that his parents are carrying around a box of weeds, and guarding the box.

After a few dramatic happenings, the family arrives home. There, the box of weeds is presented to Isaiah's grandmother who is suffering from cancer . . . she cries with love.

I do have one suggestion. In this sentence: ("Flat tire?" his mom questioned.) (His) needs to be capitalized. I loved the story, great writing.

Regards, jackson
4
4
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)

A "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window. review.

Hi LightinMind,
Your item is a great story; the tale of a son's memories of his dead father . . . a tale of an old cowboy who talks in the way of the old-time cowboys. It's also the tale of changing times, how new things try to replace the old ways, how the farmers' barbed wire fenced in the cattle range. The spirit of an old cowboy dies hard . . . the body dies easy.

That is what befell that old-time cowboy; he died in the range war, or so they thought. No body was found, but his boots showed up and he was assummed to be dead. But that old cowboy, or his spirit, had a few more things he figured on doing before fading away.


The part I like best is when the old cowboy's son is riding his horse toward his stepdad's farm. There, he sees a section of stepdad's fence torn out and lying on the ground, along with the posts. The son knew who did it, because on the first post still standing, sort of like a calling card, was his father's hat. An old cowboy dies hard . . .


I have a couple of suggestions in these two sentences . . .

#1 Homesteaders are dull music for cowboys but times change and the corral dust blowing from the east is going to bury these lands . . .
#2 Jacob's father saw the changes coming for his friends and his lifestyle years before it hit but he stayed a cowboy.

Both sentences need a comma before (but) as but is connecting two independent clauses.

Great story,
jackson
5
5
Review of A Box of Weeds  Open in new Window.
for entry "The Hobo" Open in new Window.
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)

A "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window. review.
An "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window. review.

         Hi IceSkatingSugarCube,
Happy WdC account anniversary!
Your flash fiction story, (The Hobo), is a good example of the haughtiness that lives in the hearts of some people. Good old Bob seems to be one of those people. He's setting out on a business trip, but encounters a group of hobos near the train station. His distain for them is revealed by his words and interactions with them. Good old Bob just don't get it, life is not the same for all of us. Each of us have our own tribulations.

A few things happen to Bob between the train station and his destination which might make him see the error of his ways. Some coffee gets spilled onto his shirt. Later, that same shirt is ripped, pulled out of his pants and hangs down, wrinkled and flapping. Disheveled in appearance, Bob begins to exit the train at his destination. As he does, a little girl points him out to her daddy.

(Your sentence here . . .) "Look, Daddy, a homeless man." a child pointed at him.) The letter (a) in (a child points . . .) needs to be capitalized.

Good old Bob sees his reflection in the glass of the ticket window, and to him, he looks much like the hobos from the train station.

All in all, great writing!

Regards, jackson
6
6
Review of you were gone  Open in new Window.
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)

A "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window. review.
An "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window. review.

Good morning,
Happy Writing.Com account anniversary. Your item touches me. Some powerful emotions flatten themselves on this page, and spread themselves upon it, until this reader hears a siren of something akin to slivers of despair. Great writing . . .

My favorite lines are: (I can still feel how longing tasted . . .) and (I cuddle up with the ghost of you). Again, happy Writing.Com anniversary.

Regards, jackson
7
7
Review of Doorstop  Open in new Window.
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)

A "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window. review.
An "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window. review.

Greetings Serena Blade,

This month is the month you created your account; happy Writing.Com account anniversary. Today, I will be reviewing your story, (Doorstop.) To me, it was intriguing, with a good plot and an unpredictable mystery. My favorite section was the ending, where Josh and Jessie were transformed into the antique doorstops they had found.

Below are my suggestions to improve your story.

In the last sentence of the story, your (had become) needs to be (had became.)

This sentence you wrote, doesn't make sense: (A dinner was prepared as it contained dancing and drinks.) Try changing it to: (A dinner was prepared, with later, dancing and drinks.)

In this sentence, (To keep her mind from running wild she decided to walk around and explore the house.) A comma needs to be placed after: (To keep her mind from running wild) because it's an introductory phrase to the main part of the sentence.

Thank you for sharing your story with us readers.

Regards, jackson
8
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Review of Sky Gifts  Open in new Window.
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)


An "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window. review
A "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window. review.

Hello debmiller1,
Happy WdC account anniversary again. This review is meant to be helpful; any suggestions I make are just that, suggestions.

I noticed one tiny thing in the story. Instead of saying: (The lake hid the deep green, brown depths of a cold water world.) Hyphenating the words green and brown would give your readers a better knowledge of what you are saying. (The lake hid the deep green-brown depths of a cold water world.) The story itself is great. The old woman fears the lake, hates it, and at the same time, loves it. The gifts from the sky are her true loves: the lonely sycamore leaf separated from its companions as it floats through the air; she saves it from final death by catching it and planning to use it in some kind of artwork, the barn owl feather which the lake falsely presents to her, although she knows it is another gift from the sky . . . Great descriptions, debmiller1.

Regards, jackson
9
9
Review of This darkness  Open in new Window.
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)

A "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window. review.
A"Positive Hearts Reviews Group" Open in new Window. review.
Good day,
This is an excellent tale of a girl trespassing in an abandoned house, and spending the night there. You aptly show the reader her thoughts, her determination, some of her fears, and her courage to be there in the first place . . .

That was a good touch with the rat, how it came sneaking from a corner, making its way toward her bed, only to end up as the featured guest at its own funeral. One tough girl . . . and poor, old Barry, her ex, did the same thing earlier after their fight. The telling of the tale was great, and the showing was also. Overall, I found this to be a good read.

I do have one suggestion. You wrote: She removed a wooden bar from under the sheet with one swing and smashed it into the little bastard. This sentence needs the conjunction (and) to be placed after (sheet) and
it sounds better to delete the (and) before smashed.

She removed a wooden bar from under the sheet, and with one swing, smashed it into the little bastard. Great story . . . This review is meant to be helpful, I hope it is.

Regards, jackson
10
10
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)


Hello J. Allen Trick,
This review is coming to you through, "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window. Have a happy Writing.Com account anniversary When I saw the title of your item staring at me, In Search of Floyd Collins, I was compelled to read it. You see, even if I no longer live there, this area is not too far from the place I call home. I read and reread the stories about Floyd Collins when I was young. I enjoyed reading your story, In Search of Floyd Collins. It's a fascinating tale, true to the events which actually happened, and woven skillfully into your story of Floyd, is another story . . .

This other story, of you being drawn to the story of Floyd Collins. Of your experiencing a compelling desire to see where Floyd died, and perhaps feel yourself, the thoughts and pain of Floyd Collins is a great story. How you felt you were guided by the spirit of Floyd Collins, each time you attempted to find, and stand in the places where Floyd stood, is remarkable. For future readers of your story, I will not reveal the details, but highly recommend the reading of it. It's the story of a man who is pinned in place in a cave; he can not move or free himself. People try to save him, but encounter great difficulties which prevent them from doing so. The man eventually dies in the cave. Thank you for sharing this story, great work!
Regards, jackson
11
11
Review of Prairie Wind  Open in new Window.
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (5.0)

A "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window. review.
An "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window. review.


Hi Justin,

Another WdC account anniversary review is being blown by the wind toward Kansas . . . In your item: Prairie Wind, you give to the reader, many facets of the wind, which some people never think about. It smells like cattle manure . . . Wind tastes like soil, these are two of my favorite lines. I found your item to be a great story of the attributes of the wind, and the many words and thoughts you used to describe it made me see the wind as more than an acquaintance. To hear you speak of the wind as your friend is gratifying. I enjoyed your final statements: (In his absence is calm. But without wind, the plains are not the world we know. When the universe is in perfect equilibrium, we are
off
balance.) The way you wrote, (off balance . . . I love it. Again, happy WdC account anniversary!

Regards, jackson
12
12
Review of Made  Open in new Window.
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)



A "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window. review.

Good morning Serena Collins,
How appropriate a work of the mind, giving honor to the one to whom it belongs. It's lovely, the sound of the rhythm when read aloud. Made, how sweet a title, again giving honor to God. Thank you, for sharing your magic!

No errors of any type dwell in the beautiful lines of your item. I send you my regards.

jackson
13
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Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)


         Hello HuntersMoon,

From the pages of Read and Review, your story, Conquering Dragons caught my curiosity this morning. I took a look, and I'm glad I did. It's a story of two courageous brothers who share a great love for each other, the younger, afflicted with autism, shepherded by the elder. The feeling I got out of the story is that life itself can be the dragon that needs to be conquered. Frank, the elder brother possessed the wisdom, the love and the will to guide his brother, Jeff, through the rocky path of the dragons in his life. The story makes one think of Frank as a hero, and indeed he was, to his brother, Jeff, and to life itself.

It's a great story, the punctuation throughout is excellent, and the telling and showing of the story is done in a good manner. My favorite part is when Jeff conquers the dragon his brother, Frank had wanted him to conquer.

I have one suggestion to pass on. In the first paragraph where Jeff is remembering his brother's words, he thinks: You can do anything you set your mind too! You need to change the word (too) to (to.) I am sure it's only a typo . . .

Regards, jackson
14
14
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Positive Hearts Reviews Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)

"Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window.

"Positive Hearts Reviews Group" Open in new Window.

Hello Pennywise,
Happy account anniversary. I just finished reading your short story: The Tragedy of Aunty Ivy. I enjoyed the story. You developed a good plot, followed it through with plenty of action, and led it to a good resolution of the conflicts between the characters. I especially enjoyed how you dealt with the serial killer, seems he received just retribution from the spirits of his victims. And Aunty Ivy . . . even though she was in an urn on the mantlepiece, her ashes still settling comfortably into place, wrought revenge upon her killer by killing her in the same manner she was killed. Overall, I found the story to be a good read. Thanks for sharing your work.
Regards, jackson
15
15
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)

An "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window. review.

Hello TheactualTreasure,

I hope you are enjoying your journey through the pages of Writing.Com, happy WdC account anniversary!

Let's see now, I came upon this beautiful title for a story today and here I am, sending you a review. The Girl Who Cried Fireflies is an apt name to crown the head of this story. To me, the story seems to be written quite well. As for it's punctuation, I noticed no errors.
The story holds within it, foremost, love and compassion. Along with these ingredients, a hefty measure of a well-developed plot, an unusual antagonist, (the drought) and a final resolution leads the reader along the path between the lines. I enjoyed reading your story, and I will offer one suggestion, which may, or may not, be helpful.

In the third paragraph you wrote: (One day, a terrible drought struck the village . . .) It might be better to say something like this: (The village was experiencing a devastating drought . . .)

The reason I suggest this, is because droughts develop over a period of time; a drought couldn't strike in one day. Overall, this is a good story.

Regards, jackson
16
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Review of The Spring Burn  Open in new Window.
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Positive Hearts Reviews Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)

Hello Justin,
This review is coming to you through "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window.
Happy WdC account anniversary.


First off, I can' believe I am the first to review this item. It's, for the reader of this review, a story mostly of Jim Griggs, a man living in Kansas, who takes it upon himself to make a homemade, tourist attraction.

Your story, The Spring Burn is one of the better stories I have read lately. It's written in a laid-back, down-to-earth style which appeals to me. It's hilarious without appearing to be trying to be. It's told and shown in a conversational manner. Great work!

Regards, jackson

A "Positive Hearts Reviews Group" Open in new Window. review.
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17
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)

An "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window. review.

         Hi Detective,
Happy WdC account anniversary. I enjoyed reading your story, (Message in a Bottle.) I thought it was written well, with no rough points that might make a reader read a few lines again to clarify its meaning. I didn't comb over it with a fine tooth comb, but in my reading of the story, it seemed to have good grammar and punctuation. The plot was excellent, and overall, the story achieved what all stories want to be . . . a good story.

Regards, jackson
18
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Review of Unicorns and Luck  Open in new Window.
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)

An "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window. review.

Hello KingsSideCastle,
Wishing you a happy WdC account anniversary . . . Your item (Unicorns and Luck) was a delightful tale to read. Within its lines were held: plenty of action, dialog and a well thought out plot. Well done.

There were a few instances where a comma needed to be placed, and/or a word needed to be capitalized. You wrote: Liam snapped his fingers and threw his hat on the ground angrily "Drat!"

A comma needed to placed after angrily to separate what Liam did and the words he said.

This next sentence needed the word (he) to be capitalized. You wrote: "I'll give ye a bit of me luck." he gestured to the coin that Skip had tried to touch earlier. Overall, I enjoyed this story.

Regards, jackson
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Review of The Metal Box  Open in new Window.
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)

An "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window. review.

Hello Milhaud-Tab B,
Happy WdC account anniversary!
Your short story, The Metal Box held my attention all the way through. But, the first sentence of the story is not quite right. You wrote: ("What are you doing in that ice box?" my mother's voice rang out...)
The question mark after (box) ends the first sentence, so the next word (my) should begin with a capital letter, or you could say instead, (My mother's voice rang out, "What are you doing in that ice box?")
Other than that, it's a riveting story of a mother's secret locked tight in a metal box. I like the way the story was structured, it moved right along. The mother must have suffered very much, with her anguish over the death of her son. And all the time, over the sad, long years, she is blaming herself for his death, and no one knew till the metal box was opened. It's a great story.

Regards, jackson
20
20
Review of Unrestful Travel  Open in new Window.
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

Hello MEISAME,
Happy WdC account anniversary! I am sending you this review through "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window.. Before I tell you my thoughts on your story: Unrestful Travel, I will show you some things which may, or may not, make your item read and sound better in the reader's mind. These things are only one person's opinion, so use them at your discretion.

In the first paragraph this sentence sticks out . . . (His day had started out normal, well no, normal not exactly right.) It should be, to make sense: (His day started out normal, well no, normal is not exactly right.)

In the same paragraph you write:
(Mortimer could hear voices were none were spoke . . . see vague figures in the distance were none stood. Most just went on there way . . .) In this sentence the first (were) should be (where) and the third (were) should also be (where.) Below that, (there) should be (their.) Also, be mindful that in most cases, a comma should be placed before the word (but) because it is a conjunction which connects two clauses, or two separate ideas, to make a sentence. Other than these things, for the most part, it's a good story. Your story has a lot of potential to become a much better story, if you read it slowly and make any edits you need to make. Again, happy WdC account anniversary.

Regards, jackson
21
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Review of The Bench  Open in new Window.
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Positive Hearts Reviews Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
"Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window.


Hello Emilila Wolfe,
Happy WdC account anniversary! What a heart rending story The Bench is. Here we see the true love of a man for a woman . . . We see his anguish, his despair, his loyalty . . . You did great work in your description of the old man through the emotions he feels. Overall the punctuation and grammar were steady, I'll just mention a couple of things I saw that can make a good story better. In the first paragrapgh ( passerbys) should be passersby. Also, you wrote, (How terrible! people said, when he told them his wife was in hospital.) To be good grammar this could be changed to: "How terrible," people said, when he told them his wife was in the hospital. Happy WdC anniversary.
regards, jackson

"Positive Hearts Reviews Group" Open in new Window.
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Review of 18 and Alone!  Open in new Window.
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Positive Hearts Reviews Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
A "Positive Hearts Reviews Group" Open in new Window. review
and an "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window. review. Hello J.S. Van,
Today I am wishing you a happy WdC anniversary month. I just finished reading your item: 18 and Alone! In my readingg of it, I noticed no errors in grammar or punctuation. My overall impression was that it was written well, and the details of the person adopted, their thoughts, their feelings . . . make the reader somewhat understand how alone some must feel when the base of their world is knowing they may have been abandoned. Also, the reader can realize the true love found within having a mother who wants them. Their hearts can be content. A good story . . .
regards, jackson
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Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)


An anniversary review . . .

"Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window.


A "Positive Hearts Reviews Group" Open in new Window. review.

Hello thea marie,

Happy WdC account anniversary. I noticed your poll as I was looking at items on WdC. I have that same problem a lot of times, reading items so poorly written that it might take years to help the person become a writer. I don't have that kind of time in my pocket. I don't mind a few errors here and there, and am willing to show the person how to fix those, but I am not their editor. Still, if someone asks for help, I am willing.

Your item is thoughtful, well prepared and an excellent example of the question a lot of reviewers probably ask themselves from time to time.

Regards, jackson
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Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Positive Hearts Reviews Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
A "Positive Hearts Reviews Group" Open in new Window. review.


         Hello Serena Collins,
I just read The Lady Dressed in White. Lovely . . . short, but much said in only five lines. The layout and design of the item complements it. I noticed no errors in punctuation, grammar, or otherwise. I enjoyed the whole work, but what I liked best was the repetition of: the lady dressed in white. Those three words kept in the reader's mind, the vision seen by the writer. The vision which was so lovely. It's a great little poem.

Regards, jackson
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Review of Inhuman  Open in new Window.
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Positive Hearts Reviews Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)


An anniversary review . . .
"Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window.

A review from "Positive Hearts Reviews Group" Open in new Window.

Happy WdC account anniversary, Leif the Lucky. First, the positive attributes of your story: Inhuman. I can't mention them all, but can give you my overall insight into the scenes you created. I felt, and saw the men in battle, the smoke, the fear, the bravery . . . You delivered these, every one. The scene where the Frenchie and the loud mouth German are killed is one of my favorite parts of the story. And of course, where the main character of the story realizes he is as inhumane as all the other killers he is walking among. Great story.

I did see a couple of things worth fixing in the story, even though they did not take away from its overall impression upon me. (just little things)

Your words: "Where the f*** is my machine gun?" another says.) A question mark always ends a sentence, so you could write instead: Another shouts, "Where the f*** is my machine gun?"

Your words: (As I approach I hear the familiar two thuds of the shells making contact.) Here, (As I approach,) is an introductary phrase to the rest of the sentence, so a comma after it is useful.

A good story.
Regards,
jackson
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