jackson's (notjackson) Reviews

jackson

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325 Public Reviews Given

325 Total Reviews Given

Review Style

I am not an expert reviewer, but I have some small amount of talent in the field of writing. I will not edit your work, but typos, grammar mistakes, etc. will be pointed out if I see them. I will give you my impression of your work, encourage you, and do my best to review the work.

I'm good at...

I do my best, whether I am good at it or not.

Favorite Genres

Action/adventure

Least Favorite Genres

Science fiction.

Favorite Item Types

Short stories and

Least Favorite Item Types

No least favorites.

I will not review...

Novels.

1

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#4807471

Review of MIDDLEBOURNE GARAGE

Review by jackson

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Reviewing signature for the B.E.A.R. Fund.

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

Hello SAC,
It's the anniversary of the month you created your WdC account. Enjoy this anniversary review.

Comments

Dad's are special to their offspring. I see your's was special. I am glad to see you wrote this item to honor your father.

He was an automobile mechanic with his own garage. I like how you used the tools of a mechanic's trade, and the jobs a car shop owner performs, with a steady diet of grease and oil, to write this. It flows well, with a melody from your heart.

I really liked this, it reminds me of the special times of the late 1950's and the 1960's. Things were good back then . . . I enjoyed imagining your Dad checking his sign every day and preparing for customers, working late to get a job done, and doing honest work to feed his family and reputation. From reading this, I can see he was a down-home friendly type of person. You were lucky . . .

Suggested edits

Only one thing, I see you use a series of periods to trail off sentences, to follow the rules of punctuation, the ellipis should consist of three periods. Sometimes, you used six or four.

. . .great work.

Regards, jackson

2

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#4807290

Review of Oct 5 2024 Protagonist Background Story

Review by jackson

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: ASR

| (4.0)

Hi Rojodi,
This is a Writing.Com account anniversary review. Congrats . . .

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

Story summary

Longfellow Darke is to be married shortly, but at the present time he unfolds the piece of paper his bride's sister had handed to him.

He had never seen a Dear John letter, but he was looking at one now. The hurt stabbed him, clutched at his heart repeatedly and throbbed through his temples.

But in the end, despite his hurt, he would survive. He wanted to wad up the note and toss it, but he stared àt the words . . . I do love you, but I am not in love with you. He stood up, and called out to his friends, "Let's go get some food, I'm starving."

That was when he saw her . . . the other woman, she was still beautiful.

As he walked to the limo on the way to get drunk, he looked back, she was gone. How had she known to come?

Comments

It's a fine story, told in an original manner. It shows the pain a man might feel when, at his wedding, he is handed a Dear John letter. and it shows the strength a man must have to expel this hurt from his heart.
Good writing . . .

Suggested edits

In the next to last paragraph, I noticed a sentence. The sentence, by using the word (was), establishes the past tense of the sentence.

Longfellow looked back to find the familiar face, but she was gone, the church’s door slowly closing told him that she left. He had no time to dwell on her, his groomsmen came and took him to the waiting limo.

To keep the tense consistent, you need to add (had) in the final clause of the first sentence.

. . . the church's door slowly closing told him she had left.

In the fourth paragraph the sentence below needs a comma.

Pre-wedding superstitions he was told.

Pre-wedding superstitions comma he was told.

In the third paragraph, I noticed a sentence is not a complete sentence. Also, the comma after (brownstone) should not be there, and the word (into) should be deleted. I have written the sentence directly after this sentence.

No whispers from the ghosts that inhabited the brownstone, where Melissa had moved into a year before since it was closer to her job at Oldham and Newbury Attorneys, LLC.

There were no whispers from the ghosts that inhabited the brownstone delete comma where Melissa had moved delete into the year before since it was closer . . .

Sentence after addition and deletions

There were no whispers from the ghosts that inhabited the brownstone where Melissa had moved the year before since it was closer . . .

Final thoughts

I enjoyed reading your story

Regards, jackson

3

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#4807104

Review of NO REWARDS

Review by jackson

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Hello Madam The Mystic,
A WdC account anniversary review for you . . . Congratulations
on another year here at WdC.

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

Initial comments

Terrorists have no proper place on earth, instead, they should be beneath the earth, six feet under, soaked in lye to make them disappear faster.
Murderers, rapists and several other varieties of the dregs of humanity are no exception. They too, create terror. They need to experience terror in their own minds.

Thoughts on your story

It's a good message you send in your story. It is important for children not to be trained to be suicide bombers. A child can be filled with hate, so deeply that they are willing to die themselves, as long as they kill others in the moment of their dying. The humans filled with hate and evil deceive innocent children into thinking they are blessed with eternal life if they give their life to kill the evil one's enemies.

Pure evil has filled the childs' hearts with joy, joy of the thought that they will be rewarded by God for the killings they commit, and joy that they have pleased the evil ones by doing what they were trained to do.

Edit suggestions

Scattered about in the upper portion of your story, the beginning part where the print is small, there are at least four places where there are two spaces between words, rather than the standard one space.

In the same upper portion, you use the word (sometimes.) In this case, sometimes is an adverb which modifies the entire sentence which comes after it; it is also an introductory word introducing the following contents of the sentence, a comma should be placed after (sometimes.) In the same sentence you typed the instead of they.

Sometimes comma they fight over territories or resources and many times they fight for religious beliefs.

In the sentence directly following this sentence, but needs to be deleted.

While not much can be done to stop these groups that are in control of the training that these individuals receive before they are sent out on suicide bombing missions, delete the word (but) but with the proper knowledge and information, they will be better equipped to resist their influence.

Final comments

It's a fairly good story with a strong message about terrorists, but the all capital letters in the lower half sort of distract the reader.

Regards, jackson

4

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#4806738

Review of Death's sorrow

Review by jackson

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

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Congratulations on being a member of Writing.Com another year.

Hi elisabeth,

Initial thoughts

I'm back again, looking at your stories . . . oh my, here I am in the company of some exquisite words and thoughts, just looking at them. They lie on the page as if they might be a bouquet of roses. I wish for the one who laid the roses on the page to know how talented I think she is. You've got something . . . what it is, I can't describe, but it's there. Water the roses with more words, water them today, tomorrow, and forever. With water, they will bloom, develop seeds and new roses will grow where once stood a rose in need of companions.

A summary of Death's sorrow

The room in the cancer ward is quiet, deathly so. A little girl lies there on the bed, waiting . . . she knows he will come. A knock upon the door, it opens, and there he stands. She knows who he is, and what he has came for. She does not cry.

He stands there for a moment, listening to her as she speaks, "Please make it quick: I have hurt for a long time."

He steps closer, takes her hand in his.

"It has already happened," he whispers.

Hand in hand, they walk toward Paradise . . . today, he is The Sad Reaper.

Edit suggestions

In the first few sentences of your item, I noticed a couple of words . . .

The words I noticed are directly below this . . .

I knock gently at the hospital door.
Inside the sterile white room
in the tiny bed with rough, blue-knit covers
lays a little girl
who's hair is gone
and who's lips are cracked and dry.

Who's is a contraction for, who is. To show whose it is, or who it belongs to, use whose.

Lays is used to describe the action, lies is when the action is already complete.

Example: He lays her down in the bed, and there she lies.

. . . great writing.

Regards, jackson

5

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#4806467

Review of The Notice

Review by jackson

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Image #1585921 over display limit. -?-

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

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Hi Carly-March into spring,

Congratulations on being here at WdC another year. Nice, isn't it?
I'll be reviewing, The Notice, today. I'll begin with a short synopsis of the story. The reason for my synopsis is so the author will know whether I actually read their story, whether there were any confusing parts and the noticing of any technical errors. To me, a review is akin to a book report, no review is complete unless you tell what the story is about . . .

Synopsis

Marlene trembled while reading the post, tears crawled down her cheekbones. Finally, it was her son's turn. Anthony would be scared . . . Marlene remembered her own notice. The government had a policy that all people reaching the age of thirteen years must leave the planet and spend one year off-planet, in a designated school.

For some, it was heartbreaking, for Marlene it had been. For her mother and father, it had been. She could still see the mist of her mother's heart spreading across her cheeks and the heartbreak which gathered in her eyes and formed little rivulets alongside her nose. The forlorn expression on her father's face told of his misery. It had been a nightmare for her, she had been too young to be forced from the love and care of her father and mother and forced to live with strangers. But it was the law, the law of the ones with power, there had been nothing . . . nothing they could do, except obey.

The failure to obey the notice would result in severe penalties and fines levied upon the parents, there was no escape . . . The notice informed her it was her son's time to leave, to be torn away from his mother and father and placed in a school off-planet, under the authority of, who knows . . . Were they kind? Could they instill in the heart of a precious child the love and kindness a mother could? Her mind somewhat calmed itself, at least she knew where he was going, that he would not be a slave of abuse as she had been.

She and her husband had scrimped and saved so Anthony could go to a better school than she had. It would be hard, missing him, but they would survive. For this, she gave thanks.

Comments

It is a fine story, easily understandable and follows a good path from the beginning to the end.

Edit suggestions

There are a few places, scattered here and there, where there is more than one space between words.

In paragraph six a semicolon should be changed to a comma. Semicolons join two independent clauses, both the clause before the semicolon and the clause after the semicoln need to be independent clauses in order for a semicolon to be used. The section of your sentence after the semicolon is shown below, . . . two mere six hour sleeps and meals on their feet. That part of the sentence is a dependent clause which is why you need a comma there.

. . . great writing, I loved the story.

Regards, jackson

6

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#4806158

Review of A Princess Searches Her Heart

Review by jackson

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)

Hello Megan Rose,
Good morning,
Today, I'll be sending you a review of, A Princess Searches Her Heart.

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

A summary of your story

This particular princess is unhappy; her father has chosen the man she will marry, as kings are wont to do. But the princess, like all girls, wants to fall in love and marry the man of her heart. Somewhere inside her, there also dwells a sense of loyalty to her father. What is she to do? Will she defy her father? Will she run away? The battle taking place in her heart and mind showed no mercy. It consumed her. Will the prince win her heart?

She does not want to marry a man she does not love, a stranger. But as the days go by, sometimes they are alone, and he kisses her. Her heart tingles . . . She begins to think. Do I now have feelings for this man? Is he the one for me? My heart is not sad anymore, my heart jumps when he touches me.

And so the days passed, till the princess knew she wanted him. Her heart became happy and in love. She wanted his kisses, his love, attention and kindness. So the princess' heart changed to one of love toward the man her father had chosen for her.

Comments

It's a good story, Megan. I see you like writing stories of long ago. You do it well. I always enjoy your stories.

Regards, jackson

7

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#4806074

Review of The Do-Over

Review by jackson

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

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"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

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Hi Hugh Wesley,
. . .another anniversary review, this time the story, Do-Over. See my summary of your story immediately below.

Robert was somewhat of a grouch. On this night Robert, after drinking some buttermilk was going to put his glass in the sink, but before he got there, the rear porch light came on. Lousy cat, he thought.

The motion detector had been his wife's idea. Robert continued to the sink, then headed upstairs, before he got to the steps, there was a knock on the back door. Visitors in the night? He hated that. On the way to see who it was, he noticed the calendar, October the thirty-first. He went to the back door, flung it open and the porch was empty . . .

Yelling at the kids he thought were trick or treating, Robert fumed. Then it was that he noticed, he was not on his porch anymore, but he was facing a house, a strange house. The door of the house was opened and Robert and a lady stood staring at each other.

She held a bowl of candy and was much taller than him, a couple of heads. She laughed.

"Well, aren't you going to say trick or treat or something? Hey, that's a neat old man mask you're wearing. Where did you get it?"

Comments/edit suggestions

It's a good story with a sinister ending: I think Robert was wishing he was back home.

The sentence below needs the word of added.

Robert just blinked, staring up at the lady who was a couple of heads taller than him.

Great work . . .

Regards, jackson

8

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#4805938

Review of Old Faithful

Review by jackson

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

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"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

Hi Hugh Wesley,
I like this story; it's short and sweet. Congratulations on being with WdC another year. Here's a review in honor of that.

A synopsis of your story

Yeah, there's a few things a boy can't tell anyone but his dog. The boy tells his dog about his woes. Says he wished that yellow-haired bully, who troubled him everyday, would just up and disappear. Now, ole Ralph, his dog, was a good dog . . . he cocked his head that way and this, listening to every word the boy spoke to him.

The next day, the bully didn't come to school, and when the boy was going home, up ahead, there was ole Ralph, waiting for him, had something in his mouth . . . yellow-haired.

It looked like what used to be the bully was now ole Ralph's chew toy. The boy didn't have any more troubles with bullies after thay. Ole Ralph was a good dog . . .

Comments/edit suggestion

A fantastic story. . . great! But to make it more appealing to the eyes, it would read better if formatted into just a couple of paragraphs.

Regards, jackson

9

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#4805796

Review of He used to be my Best Friend

Review by jackson

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

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Hi PlaguePreacher,

My time for reviews is almost up for today, so I'll just say I liked your story; you did a good job with the details of the two, used to be, best friends. You described the condition of the wounded soldier aptly. To me, it seemed as if the two were adversaries there at the end, with the injured one wanting the other one to go ahead and put him out of his misery.

I did notice that you put your terminal puncuation, periods, etc. outside of the quotation marks in your dialog sentences.
Any punctuation at the end of a sentence of dialog goes, with no spaces in between, right after the sentence.

Always, the terminal punctuation at the end of sentences should be placed immediately after the last letter in the last word of the sentence, then the quotation marks.

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

Good writing . . .

Regards, jackson

10

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#4805626

Review of Running away from home.

Review by jackson

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

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Hello Phoenix,
Congrats on being with WdC another year. I'll get right into this review of, Running away from home. I understand what you are saying in this work. Some parents are cruel. Sometimes, children can not handle being browbeat day after day. They might make the decision to run away, but on occasion, they find they have stepped from a bad situation into one which might lead to their death. Your work speaks of what might happen to a runaway.

There were a few spots in the work where the rhymes appeared forced, but overall, you did a good job. Write some more, practice helps you become better.

While reading it, I noticed a line . . .

The world it just a show. It needs to be, The world is just a show, for correct speech, or you could write it as,
The world, it's just a show.

Nice work . . . keep on writing.

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

Regards, jackson

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11

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#4805426

Review of A Princess Hopes For Something Beautiful

Review by jackson

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

Port raid!

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Hi Megan Rose,
Today I'll be reviewing, A Princess Hopes For Something Beautiful.

A summary of your story.

Once there lived a beautiful princess in a kingdomm far, far away. Her heart was weary, consummed with pain . . .

The princess had been married for some time, and being the mother of a child would be her delight. Yet, she had been told she would never have children.

But the princess could not accept this. On a particular night, the princess stole out of the castle to make her way into the dark forest. She was scared, but the courage in her heart, and the longing for a child drew her forward.

During her travel into the forest, she was confronted by a troll who sought to do her harm. The princess unsheathed her sword and the troll changed his mind. In a hurry now, because the wish of her heart could only be made till midnight, the princess' feet went faster. Lickety split.

Shortly, a lovely fairy appeared by her side. The fairy told her she knew why the princess was there. Just before a bell rang, marking the time as midnight, the fairy threw magic dust on the princess.

In her heart, the princess sensed something different . . . something new. About a year later, her first child was born. In great happiness the prince and princess lived the rest of their lives . . . and other children were born, each one bringing to the princess more happiness.

Comments

It's a beautiful story of life, love and motherhood. I enjoyed reading it.

Regards, jackson

12

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#4805185

Review of This Friday

Review by jackson

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

Image #2306240 over display limit. -?-

Port raid!

Hi Emma Faye,
. . .another year at WdC, congratulations. Today, I'll be reviewing, This Friday.

Image #2332475 over display limit. -?-

Initial comments

This Friday, is about a boy named Al. Al is a little shy, unsure of himself, and might be, he has a fear of rejection. This story shows and tells the reader what can happen, if these three maladies can be swatted aside . . .

A brief summary of This Friday.

Al likes Jess a lot. He wants to take her to the school homecoming celebration, but is nervous to ask. Finally, he swallows his anxiety, approaches her and manages to ask if she will be his date. Jess blushes . . . she likes Al also. She tells him she'd love to go with him. Then, lowering her eyelashes, she adds, "Why wait till homecoming, a week from this Friday? Let's see a movie this Friday "

Al's heart jumps, he wants to jump . . . but doesn't. But as soon as he's around the corner, a jump works its way out of him.

Edit suggestions

Stories and books are much easier to read if the author leaves a double empty space between paragraphs, try it, you'll see it is not only more readable, but more pleasing to the eyes.

. . .great work writing this . . .

Regards, jackson

13

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#4805184

Review of The Missing Rainbow (pls help me review)

Review by jackson

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

Port raid

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Hello sarahtangerine,

The best way I can help you, since you asked for help, is to write your story on this page exactly as you wrote it. Then, write it as I would have written it. I will format it into a story form.

Your story

1 In a small house near the sea, lived a boy named Jeremy.

2 Jeremy loved watching the sky, especially during sunsets.

3 One cloudy day, Jeremy hoped to see a rainbow.

4 But the rainbow did not appear, and Jeremy felt disappointed.

5 He went back home, feeling sad.

6 Then, he noticed the sun peeking through the clouds.

7 Jeremy decided to wait a little longer, hoping to see the rainbow.

8 He passed the time making shapes with the clouds.

9 Suddenly, a beautiful rainbow stretched across the sky.

10 Jeremy's patience was rewarded with the most colourful rainbow he had ever seen.

11 He learned that sometimes, waiting can bring joy and wonder.

12 Now, whenever Jeremy sees the clouds, he remembers to wait for the rainbow's surprise.

Your story in story form

In a small house near the sea, lived a boy named Jeremy. Jeremy loved watching the sky, especially during sunsets. One cloudy day, Jeremy hoped to see a rainbow. But the rainbow did not appear, and Jeremy felt disappointed. He went back home, feeling sad.

Then, he noticed the sun peeking through the clouds. Jeremy decided to wait a little longer, hoping to see the rainbow. He passed the time making shapes with the clouds.
Suddenly, a beautiful rainbow stretched across the sky.
Jeremy's patience was rewarded with the most colourful rainbow he had ever seen. He learned that sometimes, waiting can bring joy and wonder. Now, whenever Jeremy sees the clouds, he remembers to wait for the rainbow's surprise.

Comments

Your story is written well, with no mistakes in punctuation. I hope this review helps you.

If each number, one through twelve, is a page in a childern's book, you did a great job. In looking at it, I had no way of knowing if the numbers beside each sentence indicated each numbered sentence represented a page for a twelve page children's storybook.

Regards, jackson

14

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#4805183

Review of THE WINTER'S TALE

Review by jackson

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Image #2230701 over display limit. -?-

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"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

Hey Jacques Tales,
Today I'll be taking a look at The Winter's Tale.

• Comments

The Winter's Tale is the story of a lonely snowflake which fell from the sky. When it landed, it saw there were no other snowflakes nearby to keep it company. It felt sad. No brothers or sisters to play in the wind . . . And where was its mother and father?

But later that night, the clouds opened their gates and many snowflakes fell. They covered the earth and frolicked in the wind, blowing here and there. The lonely little snowflake was not lonely now. It and its family covered the earth with snowflakes. The valleys, the cars, the streets, the hills, the bridges and the grass, all were cottony white . . . Upon the earth, beneath the clouds which had opened their gates, all the snowflakes rejoiced.

• Recommended edits

I can only suggest the addition of a few more lines in the same fashion of the ones already in the story. In the same vein, breaking the story up into a couple of paragraphs would make it easier for the readers to enjoy it more fully.

• Further Comments
It's a great tale from the eyes of the snow. A great little story . . .

Regards, jackson

15

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#4804904

Review of THE BUTTERFLY LOVE

Review by jackson

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

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Hello JacquesTales,
I'll be reviewing The Butterfly Love today.

•

A synopsis

A caterpillar hatched in the springtime, soon it spun a cloak around itself, a place to rest and become a butterfly. Time passed . . . and one day a butterfly emerged from the cloak. It was happy, its world was full of love. Again time passed, and the butterfly passed through the rainbow of heaven. Before leaving her home, behind her and in a safe place, she left her eggs of life.

When time became ripe, dozens of her offspring hatched. They loved the world just as their mother had. They loved the flowers, the birds and all of God's world with all their hearts. They flew and frolicked in happiness. But all too soon, they passed through the rainbow of heaven just as their mother had. The cycle of life and love continued, as their children came through the rainbow of life the next spring.

Punctuation

You used a semicolon twice in the story. in both instances the phrase after the semicolon was: the birds and the bees, the flowers and the trees.

To use a semicolon correctly, the clause before the semicolon must be an independent clause, or a group of words that would be a complete sentence if you put a period instead of a semicolon. The same is true about the clause after the semicolon, it must be an independent clause the same as the clause before the semicolon. Instead of a semicolon, you should use a comma in both instances.

I enjoyed your story . . . fine work.

Regards, jackson

16

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4804682

Review of The Sedalia Trail Drive

Review by jackson

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

A

review.

Happy WdC account anniversary.

Image #2332475 over display limit. -?-

Hi a Sunflower in Texas,

Today, I'll be reviewing your western story, The Sedalia Trail Drive. I'll begin by writing a brief synopsis.

Synopsis

A cowboy and his horse pause for a brief few minutes of respite from the dust-plagued hours of nursing a herd of cattle along the trail. Under the sparse shade of a few mesquite trees, he rolls himself a cigarette as he looks back toward the herd. No problems there, they were moving right along . . .

As he sat there, he sun began draining his shoulders of what little coolness the mesquite trees had gifted him with. Ignoring it, he began thinking about that woman back in San Antonio; she had been the prettiest whore he had seen in a long time. He remembered . . . San Antonio. The smell of lavender and rose water were still in his nostrils. They remembered.
He took a swig from his canteen and struck a match on his saddle horn. As he lit his cigarette and took that first draw, he forgot about that woman back in San Antonio . . .

Image #2230701 over display limit. -?-

Editing suggestions

There are a few mispelled words, here and there, in your story. No doubt, some of them are typos; I'll list them below . . .

First paragraph, heard for herd.

Second paragraph, commence and warey for commenced . . . wary.

Third paragraph, cantine for canteen.

Fourth paragraph, lavendar for lavender.

You need a period in the second paragraph, after . . . and commenced to roll himself a smoke.

Comments

Your story is perfect without the tiny things I mentioned above.

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

Regards, jackson

17

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14 days may be credited.

#4804355

Review of The Moon

Review by jackson

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (3.0)

A

review.

Hello Antonella,

Initial comments

You story is sweet, the tale of a girl who has a friendship with the Moon. You expressed your inner feelings while telling the story, this draws the reader . . . or this reader. Honestly, there are a few mistakes in the presentation of your story. I feel you would like to see it in its best form, see it shine like your companion, the Moon. Below, I will help you jiggle things around in your story, while at the same time, leaving its words as they already exist.

Your story, The Moon

The world has always been a lonely place for me...Except at night a girl comes to visit me. We talk and talk until I have finally fallen asleep, Once I wake up and I don't see her there my soul yearns for her return. I wish she can stay with me forever. I have learned to wait for night time to see her again. I came into this world with a wonderful twin yet I feel quite closer with the Moon. I talk to her about the things that go on inside my mind. She reassures me everything will turn out just fine, Her voice haunts my dreams. She makes all my worries go away but deep down I know it won't be long until I have to say farewell to her again. I like to think she waits for me too. I like to think she yearns for my company too. She feels so close yet she's so far way. I hope one day I find a person or place that makes me feel the same way she does. goodnight

Edited version

Alterations in bold lettering, if you don't like it, you can leave it as it is . . .

The world has always been a lonely place for me... Eccept at night comma a girl comes to visit me. We talk and talk until I have fallen asleep period Once I wake up and I don't see her there comma my soul yearns for her return. I wish she could stay with me forever period I have learned to wait for nighttime to see her again.

You have a new subject at this point, begin a new paragraph . . .

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I came into this world with a wonderful twin comma yet I feel closer to the Moon. I talk to her about the things which go on inside my mind. She reassures me everything will turn out just fine period Her voice haunts my dreams. She makes all my worries go away comma but deep down comma I know it won't be long until I have to say farewell to her again. I like to think she waits for me too. I like to think she yearns for my company too. She feels so close comma yet she's so rar away. I hope one day I find a person or place that makes me feel the same way she does. Good night...

I hope this helps . . .

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Regards, jackson

18

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#4804353

Review of The Cave

Review by jackson

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi LenTaylorWrites,
Today, I am sending you a review of your story, The Cave.

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

A synopsis of The Cave

Jeb and Isaiah are fleeing from the lawmen. Well, Isaiah is. Isaiah had killed a man back yonder. And Jeb? Jeb had fled from the aftermath of the shooting. Isaiah had followed him. The men behind them are closing in.

Two bad men stuck in a cave. Jeb wants to be rid of Isaiah, but how? Jeb was innocent of any wrongdoing, but to be caught with Isaiah would raise suspicion. Isaiah is fiddling around with his Colt . . . Acting like the fool that he is, Jeb thought. Jeb asks to look at Isaiah's gun. Isaiah hands it over and goes to peer out from the cave's entrance. He did not hear the shot that destroyed him.

Jeb hurries away from the cave, snow filling his tracks . . . The lawmen wouldn't look any further than the cave.

Comments

The tale of two bad men in the Old West. Many such things as this story actually happened during the years of western lawlessness. You've portrayed the characters well. A plot, an antagonist and an apt conclusion are in the details of the story. Good work . . .

Suggested edits

The first two sentences needing to be edited are below . . .

Jeb's eyes opened slowly, his back sore from sleeping against a rock. The closest thing to a bed in days.

The closest thing to a bed in days, is not a complete sentence. I suggest you write it as, It was the closest thing to a bed in days. Alternatively, add a comma after (rock) follow it with (the) in small letters, and the result is one complete sentence. Jeb's eyes opened slowly, his back sore from sleeping against a rock, the closest thing to a bed in days.

Your first sentence of the second paragraph is below.

"It's starting to snow, said Isaiah.

You missed a quotation mark in the sentence. It should be, "It's starting to snow," said Isaiah.

Final comments

Overall, it's an enjoyable story to read.

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Regards, jackson

19

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#4804352

Review of my dreams

Review by jackson

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (3.0)

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Hi angel,
I'll be reviewing your story, my dreams, today. It's a sweet story of a girl who's in a place with other girls. Her name is Lily.

Mam Lisa is in charge. She runs the place. She tells the girls, on this particular night, to get ready for bed. All the girls wash up, brush their teeth and change into nightdresses. After that, they get in their beds for the night. They sleep. The next morning, when Lily wakes up, she's in a strange place, a different place . . . a mansion. There are maids, cooks and other staff employed there. One of them tells Lily she has been adopted, and her new parents are well-to-do. Lily is happy. Later, she gets on a private jet and goes somewhere.

Comments on, my dreams

My first observation . . . the two words of the title should each begin with a capital letter, My Dreams.

I have to be honest in my evaluation of your story, angel.
I do see in your words that you have some talent in the written word. Your descriptions of events are detailed. Where you need a little more practice is punctuation. I'll select one of your sentences from your story and disect it. You will be able to see what makes a sentence, where it should end, and when another sentence should begin. I encourage you to keep writing . . .

Your sentence

Your sentence below, needs to be chopped up and reassembled; it can be many sentences.

I was playing with my friends and then mam Lisa came and said lights out in two hours everyone go wash your faces, brush your teeth and change in to your nightdress and then everyone said yes mam everyone listens to mam Lisa because mam Lisa is nice to everyone after that we all went to the bathroom and we washed our faces, brushed our teeth and we changed in to our night dress then we all got in to our beds prayed and we all went to sleep.

Comments

When a person has spoken or written a complete thought, such as the first stage of your sentence above, which I will write next, then they have formed a sentence.

First stage of your sentence above, which can be a complete sentence all by itself.

I was playing with my friends, then mam Lisa came and said, "Lights out in two hours."

Your entire sentence disected and changed into many correct sentences.

I was playing with my friends, then mam Lisa came and said, "Lights out in two hours.

Everyone go wash your faces, brush your teeth and change into your nightdress."

Everyone said, "Yes mam."

Everyone listens to mam Lisa because mam Lisa is nice to everyone.

After that, we all went to the bathroom, we washed our faces, brushed our teeth and changed into our nightdresses.

Then we all got into our beds, prayed and went to sleep.

Further comments

I hope this review helps you.

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Regards, jackson

20

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#4804178

Review of Out west

Review by jackson

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (3.0)

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

Hello,

A synopsis of your story

Out west is a fun story to read . . . It's the story of a horse, told by himself. The horse's name is Jack. He's the sheriff's horse. Whenever he and the sheriff are chasing lawbreakers, the sheriff keeps jabbing Jack in the ribs with the sharp spurs on his boots. He must have had a couple of lead feet, always wanting to go faster. It hurt a lot, and sometimes drew blood, but Jack didn't complain. Jack didn't tell us this, but I have no doubt that Jack cursed the sheriff under his breath every time the sheriff jabbed him with the spurs.

Image #2230701 over display limit. -?-

There was a robbery, and Jack played a part in catching the bad woman by running his best behind her. After that, the sheriff threw away the spurs and the whip he used to use on Jack. He never did use them on Jack again. Jack was then a grateful horse. His tale and his sorrows ended . . .

Suggested edits
There are many mispelled words; I'll list them below.

1st paragraph, You used (sherif) for sheriff.

2nd paragraph, You used (sherif) again . . . and (sheirf) for sheriff, and a head for ahead.

4th paragraph, '. . . get out of the way before I shot you . . .'

Shot needs to be shoot.

5th paragraph, You used (your) for you're.

7th paragraph, you misspelled (outside), you spelled it as two words. (out side) It needs to be, outside.

You did a good job with the text part of the story . . . I liked the way you allowed the horse to tell his own story. Jack was a pretty good storyteller.

Regards, jackson

21

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14 days may be credited.

#4804099

Review of THE DAISY'S LOVE

Review by jackson

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

Jacques Tales,
It's a delight to read your short stories. I'll be reviewing The Daisy's Love today.

What I saw in your words

Once two daisies shared a flowerbed. The smaller one was somewhat dilapidated, her petals were bruised and a look of homelessness was in her appearance, but she was shy, humble and loving. The other was none of these things. Pride, haughtiness and self-superiority
dwelled in her heart.

On any particular day in their lives, the more beautiful of the two received many suitors anxious for a taste or her nectar. Bees buzzed around her, flirting with her affection. The sad little daisy had only one suitor, but his was a true love. He called on her every day, proclaiming his love.

Strangers from here and yonder called upon the beautiful bee, never lingering for more than a moment, and in more of a hurry to fly away, than they had been to approach. But . . . the bee of the little sad daisy bestowed upon her his constant attention. One day, little miss haughty began to brag about her many suitors. and the little formerly sad flower replied, "Is it not better to have one true love than to be the object of wayward affection?" No one answered her . . .

Image #2230701 over display limit. -?-

Edit suggestions

The sentence below needs a comma.

. . . and was not a pleasure to behold at all to anyone.

... and was not a pleasure to behold at all comma to anyone.

There is one sentence where (and) needs to begin with a capital letter.

and she laughed with joy at her mate. And she laughed with joy . . .

The tiny things above do not alter the excellence of the story itself.

Regards, jackson

22

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14 days may be credited.

#4804098

Review of Montana Promises

Review by jackson

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Montanna Promises . . . a good title.

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

Hello history lady,

My synopsis of your story

Wow! Montana Promises is rich in details of the land, the thoughts and feelings of a woman living alone, and the pain and fear of not knowing what will happen next . . . From her patting of the shovel on the double grave, I can see her anguish and frustration.

She stands there beside the burial plot thinking . . . how she hates this desolate place, how she wishes to leave, how she needs someone, it doesn't matter who, to come by and take her away. She begins to walk toward her house. From the near distance, the snort of a horse reaches her ears . . .

Image #2230701 over display limit. -?-

Still with the shovel in hand, and still thinking, she hears the horse again, closer this time. She begins to worry about the what ifs . . .

The horse and the man seem to spring from the earth in the near distance, as if a magician has cast them there. Startled, with a soup of fear bubbling in her veins and elation at the prospect someone has at last came for her, she goes on to the house and gets her dad's Kentucky rifle, and from the fireplace mantel a percussion cap. She knows how to shoot, Her Papa had taught her well. Just in case, she's ready to defend herself, but the hope lies in her heart that the man will put her behind him on the horse and ride away. Goodbye Montana.

Will he? We can find out, if we read the whole story when it's finished.

Suggested edits

In the fourth paragraph you write . . . After a long while she plodded back toward the soddy, dragging the shovel along behind.

After a long while . . . this phrase introduces the rest of the sentence, it needs a comma after it.

After a long while comma she plodded back toward the soddy . . .

I enjoyed your story, Montana Promises. It has some of the aspects of the Old West within its lines. Great writing . . .

Regards, jackson

23

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14 days may be credited.

#4803745

Review of The Rabbit

Review by jackson

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (3.5)

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

Image #2332475 over display limit. -?-

Hello huba578,
Your story, The Rabbit, will be receiving a review from me today.

•

A short synopsis . . . In your story, a man is alone in a desert . . . horseless, his horse having died yesterday, thirsty and almost starved. He stumbles along. Water is what he needs, more than food. Shortly, he comes upon a cactus, harvests it and drains it of moisture. Up there in the sagebrush, from his dry eyes, he sees a movement. Closer . . .

He can see now that it is a rabbit, only a morsel for his hunger, but he creeps forward, a morsel is better than nothing. The rabbit goes into a hole, the man waits. . . an hour or more. The mountains he can see in the far distance can't be reached in less than two days travel; he must have food and water to reach them. Hunger begins to gnaw a hole in his stomach and thirst assaults his senses, but he is patient.

Then, he sees the rabbit, not so far away. He picks up a rock, throws it with confidence, and watches as the rabbit twitches in death. Sustenance.. awaits him. He stumbles forward to get his treasure . . . barely moving. But it is not to be, Clutched in the talons of a suddenly appearing hawk, the rabbit heads toward the mountains on the horizon. The man can only watch . . .

Comments

It's a heck of a story. For the story itself, the words, the telling of it and the idea, my rating is a five.

Recommended edits by paragraph

Paragraph one . . . solitude cactus, should be, solitary cactus.

Paragraph two . . . sage brush should be, sagebrush.

Paragraph three . . . As he reaches the area he last saw it he lowers himself . . . This needs to be, As he reaches the areà where he last saw it comma he lowers himself . . .

Paragraph four . . . finding a tiny patch of grass he nibbles on a few blades. This needs to be, finding a tiny patch of grass comma he nibbles on a few blades.

Paragraph five . . . Rising to his feet all almost to the point of falling back . . . This needs to be, Rising to his feet and almost to the point of falling back . . .

Final paragraph . . . The man can only watch with disappointment and as the raptor, flys directly towards the highlands and disappears. This needs to be, The man can only watch as the raptor flies directly towards the highlands and disappears. Delete the first (and) in the sentence and the comma after raptor.

Final comments

The rating for the technical part of the story, plus the inital rating of five averages out to three and one half. I enjoyed reading your story.

Regards, jackson

24

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14 days may be credited.

#4803622

Review of Other Universe

Review by jackson

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hello Kermit,
. . . dropping in to send you a review of Other Universe.

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

"Positive Hearts Reviews Group"

A synopsis of Other Universe

Other Universe is the story of guy named Reginald. Others in the story are Tom and the professor. Reginald decides to steal the research work of the professor . . . a device which can transport people to other worlds. What Reginald doesn't know, but the professor does, is that the world he just pushed the button for, is an antimatter world. So long, Reginald . . . Sometimes, thieves take a mouthful they find hard to swallow; I reckon this is what happened to Reginald.

Comments

It's a good story, with a fine plot and, I am thinking, an appropriate conclusion.

Recommended edits

You spelled antimatter as anti-matter.

In paragraph three the professor says . . . "So now you have stolen my teleportation device and plan to travel to another universe?" When the word (so) begins a sentence and also introduces a question, it needs a comma after it.

Keep up the good work.

Regards, jackson

25

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14 days may be credited.

#4803494

Review of THE WONDEROUS ROSE

Review by jackson

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Image #1585921 over display limit. -?-

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Image #2332475 over display limit. -?-

Hi Jacques Tales,
. . . another anniversary review. I understand from your reply to my previous review that you don't have the health to edit. No worries, if ever you do, the reviews I send you may help.

A synopsis of The Wonderous Rose

Once upon a time, long years ago, a rose sat contemplating its loneliness and dispair in the Garden of Eden. While it was still pondering why it had no mother or father and no sister or brother, a robin alit beside it and began talking. "All the roses which were born here in this garden, before you, are your mothers and fathers. All the roses born here, alongside you, are your brothers and sisters." The rose was once more filled with love and hope.

Suggested edits

In the first sentence, garden of eden should be capitalized. Garden of Eden . . .

The third sentence reads . . . 'What a splendid day' she said ' and what am I doing here alone with no mother or father, no sister or brother?'

Note . . . I understand you are using single quotation marks in this story.

The sentence should be, 'What a splendid day' comma she said period 'And what am I doing here alone with no mother or father, no sister or brother?'

The sentence below needs a comma.

Then a tiny robin landed nearby and said to her 'Do not fear . . .'

Then a tiny robin landed nearby and said to her comma 'Do not fear . . .'

In one place you write . . . sisters an brothers

It needs to be, sisters and brothers.

Comments

I enjoyed your story. I also give animals and plants a voice to speak in my stories. Well done . . .

Regards, jackson