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Public Reviews
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Review of Autumn Chores #2  Open in new Window.
Review by Joseph. Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
THE GOOD

"The rake clawing the grass" - A simple but effective turn of phrase, the words you've chosen give me a real sense of labour and toil.

"I herd them towards me," - again, another great line, the verb 'herd' gives the leaves an almost animal quality which gets across the difficulty of the task.

"Awaiting steaming
Hot chocolate to meet
My frigid lips."

- The enjambement works really well here, ie. by ending the first line with 'steaming' and beginning the next with 'Hot', you put great emphasis on these words and the result is that I really get the warmth. A great contrast between the hot and the coldness of the lips. Very good.

"At the beginning
Of the end."

- I think this works pretty well, it gives a sense of the thanklessness of the task and is nicely abstract.


THE BAD
"Bracing wind howls
Between nearly bare branches." - A lot of alliteration in this, which can be powerful but for me a rule of thumb when it comes to alliteration is that less is more. I would be a bit more subtle with your word choices here, 'nearly bare branches' feels a bit clumsy.

"Smell of Autumn" - You'll probably have heard (with regards to poetry), the phrase "Show, don't tell.". I think this is a bit lazy. Be more specific, what smells like Autumn to you?

"In the air." - I think this is quite a weak ending to the stanza, it doesn't really add anything and is unnecessary. Think of something a bit more emotive.

"With still much to do." - Again, this is a very weak way to finish what is quite an emotive poem. Every line should have impact. This is taking the easy way out. Show us how much you have to do. How big is the pile of leaves? How long have you been there? Be a bit more imaginative.


POSSIBLE IMPROVEMENTS

"Crisp leaves crunching
Under my feet."

- The alliteration of crisp and crunching is great here, but I can't help but think the image of stepping on Autumn leaves is a bit cliché.Perhaps you could approach it from another angle and be a bit more abstract, for example describing the floor beneath you as a canvas of warm, vibrant colours.

"Never ending
Orange, yellow, red leaves"

- On the subject of colours, where you do mention the colour of the leaves, you're just using primary colours. This isn't particularly powerful. What do the colours look like? Could you come up with a metaphor?

"And reddens my cheeks to rubies." - I am undecided on this line. Firstly, I think the ruby image is brilliant. I do take issue with the use of 'reddens'. It's perfectly valid, but it seems a bit obvious to me. Maybe you could phrase this differently.

OVERALL:

A very commendable effort. There is potential for a great poem here and I think if you're doing it for school, your teacher should give you a good mark for it. If you wish to improve on it, my main suggestion would be to read "To Autumn" by Keats. This should give you some ideas of what makes a classic poem about the seasons: notice how every word is carefully chosen for the potency of the image it evokes. Also note how, although he doesn't explicitly refer to it being Autumn, even if you didn't know the title, you would know instinctively what it was about. Go over this again and question each word. Why is it there? What is it doing for the poem?

If you put the effort in, you can make this poem brilliant. Thank you for writing this and putting it on show, I wish you all the best for the future.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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Review of Once Again  Open in new Window.
Review by Joseph. Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
WHAT I LOVED:

- The three "Or" and "Without" lines. Three, as they say, is the magic number and this is no truer than in poetry - a fantastic way to emphasise the distracted nature of the parents. Any more would be tiresome, any less would be limp.

- Opening with "And". This seems at first a little unconventional and from reading many mediocre poets, generally speaking, it doesn't work that well, but here you carry it off brilliantly. Opening with such a mundane filler word serves the poems purpose well - it brings to life the sad, anonymous theme you've got going on here.

- The form. This does seem a bit "free form" and though I'm wary of the word it does, I confess, work really well. You can't help but scan the lines slowly and sluggishly and the slow, dull pace really digs into your mind.

- The pace of the poem - it is not instantly clear where you're going with it and you transition from the adults, to the children, to the clown very well. This is aided by the fact that there isn't a single metaphor in the entire poem. Normally, I would chastise you for it, saying that rhetoric is the beating heart of poetry, but as you've proved here, less is more. There is no running away from the images you present to us with flowery images and there are no rhetorical distractions. Though it pains me to say it, in this way you've achieved the aims of the poem perfectly.

- There are a couple of brilliant examples of subtle rhymes. I'm not sure whether they are there by complete fluke or intentional, but "Interrupts" and "muscle" share a common assonance that's really effective. Maybe you might want to extend this further by changing words to put a bit more rhyme in it. I'm not saying make it a rhyming poem, in fact DO NOT MAKE IT A RHYMING POEM because this would be unsuitable. However, a couple of unstructured, within-line rhymes really give the words a little bit of colour and make your life easier in establishing emotion.

THINGS YOU WANT TO LOOK AT.

-The metre could be tidied up a little bit. Points such as "look out the window" and "get distracted talking to each other" raise some alarm bells. It might only be as subtle a change is necessary as putting a couple of commas in suitable places But there are points that don't scan quite as well as they might.

- "Or get distracted talking to each other" In my opinion, I would keep the metre as same in this line as the other two with the same amount of feet/syllables. It would give it a little more punch.

- The ending. This poem came very close to being excellent, you set it up really well, you captured my emotions and I was ready to be punched in the face with a really hard-hitting last line and all I got was a pretty weak "With the saddest face." Your aims in this line are clear, and I like what you tried to do, but unless you put a bit more impact into that final line and really clasp onto the true feelings of the clown, this poem will leave people dissatisfied. There are so many devices you can use to portray sadness, so many words. The very fact that you've used sparing amounts of imagery in the rest of the poem sets you up to highlight his sadness with at least metaphor or a simile and this would give you an amazing contrast.

THE SUMMARY:

The changes you need to make are minor, mostly superficial. You have the makings of a truly fantastic poem, but we're not quite there yet. As I say to everyone I review, don't look at your poem for a few weeks and then come back to it with a fresh perspective and then you won't need the words of nitpicking editors such as myself, as you'll surely see where I'm coming from yourself! Keep up the good work, and if you do make any changes, be sure to let me know and I'll have a read through your second draft. It was a pleasure reading this piece.
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Review of Pen ink romance  Open in new Window.
Review by Joseph. Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
I do not make it my habit to go for a line-by-line analysis and critique of poems, but with the short nature of this piece and the impact this has, I've gone for the considered, careful approach.

"nomadic ocean cloud"

This is not only a brilliant image, but a great trio of words. The repetitive assonance of the O sound gives a brilliant half-rhyme which really gives the poem drive from the very opening.

"I closed my eyes and you entered my mind"

The vast imagery of the opening lines is met with beautiful simplicity here. However, maybe it's a little too simple. Could you be more inventive with your word choice? "Entered my mind" does seem like a bit of a let-down when there are a whole host of more creative ways you could have expressed this sentiment. It's still a strong line, but seems a little more like a lyric than a line from a poem.

"Your vibrant smile and my twinkling heart"

We have a bit of both here - I love the image of the tinkling heart, but vibrant smile seems a bit... well, a bit too done. It's just a case of again considering whether or not you could've been a bit more original - I do love the parallel you've got here.

"Together in microcosmic romance."

You've obviously worked very hard on the metre of this poem, but to me I still think microcosmic comes across as a little wrenched. It is a good turn of phrase and it captures the 1 + 1 = 1 message you've got going on here, but it compromises the scansion. You can get away with it, it's metrically okay but it could be metrically brilliant.

"You sewed a vivid scene in my psyche"

Now we're talking. Again, that subtle assonance of the E sound is exquisite. You have a brilliant ear for rhyme. It's a good opener to the second stanza, as it has a bit of cadence to it and gets the ball rolling quite well.

"And weaved false serenity in my ears"

I love the sew/weave images, and again weaved and ears are nice partners in rhyme. False seems a little out of place in that it is a bit of a blunt interruption to the flow of the line, but that works to your favour - the emphasis of the line is on the falsehood. Lovely stuff.

"I sunk in my fanciful, frail dream"

The alliteration here works in the contrast of fanciful and frail, but whenever I scan it, I keep wanting the "in" to be an "into". It's a subtle change, but one that I think would make all the difference. We do get a sense of helplessness from this line.

"Everything is tattered as I wake up. "

This seems like a bit of a limp conclusion. I love that you're ending on the waking up and I get that, but you could make this so much more powerful. The narrator almost feels apathetic towards the fact that they've been living in a fantasy. Perhaps a little more anger would drag some life out of the character and give the whole poem a bit more bite.

OVERALL IMPRESSIONS

I like this a lot, but it needs work. With such a short poem, I would expect a real desire to pack in the most ferocious imagery you can conjure up. As it is, it feels a little unfinished, which is disappointing because there is a LOT of good stuff in here. If you like the subtle approach, why not take a few stanzas longer to say what you need to say. Poetry should either take a lifetime to describe a second, or take a second to describe a lifetime and this is somewhere in between.

HOWEVER, I do think there is some potential here. It's a wonderful little confessional and you clearly have the ideas, just don't be afraid to get them down. There is no point bearing your soul half-heartedly - I think you have an awful lot of interesting things to say and I look forward to hearing you say them. Keep at it, read it over and over again. Why are you writing this, who are you writing it for and how are you going to achieve it? With work and, most importantly, time you could have a magnificent poem. Your efforts are commendable and I thoroughly enjoyed reading them.

Keep up the good work,

Joe.
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Review of Ellipsis  Open in new Window.
Review by Joseph. Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
First impressions(or this review in substantially less words) : Powerful imagery, inventive metaphors, maybe a few minor structural rearrangements necessary, overall a brilliantly abstract, almost stream-of-consciousness effort.

POINTS OF EXCELLENCE

"but to just keep switching off and on."

The simplicity of this line is what makes it brilliant, that all but one of the words are monosyllabic really gives it that blunt, resigned nature. It perfectly underpins the mundane, reductionist idea that you give us in the "sun of fifty thousand lightbulbs.".

"I swim in thinning ink"

This is one of the better lines I've read in quite some time. It is itself, a brilliant, abstract image but the composition brings it truly to life. The assonance of the relentless i vowels give it thrust and the reader finds himself lost in darkness. Magnificent stuff, reinforced by:

"stains my glasses black"

Stained glass is a poignant spiritual image, and the authors own glasses give it a more personal touch.

"that cradle my wrists until / they melt of ephemeral heaviness."

The interior rhyme of wrists and heaviness is exquisite, ephemeral is a delightfully chosen word. The metre of the the poem is strongest in this line - it's got perfect cadence to it and you can hear the heartbeat of the poem pounding through this line.

"...rotten- / ripe tomato / on the street."

A very desolate image indeed. Here the form comes into its own and the enjambement is perfect to leave us feeling cold and alone. A terrific closing line.

POINTS FOR CONSIDERATION

At times the form or structure is brilliant as I've already mentioned. That said, I think there's room for rearrangement. I get a real wandering feeling to the poem and maybe a few more variations in line length to give the shape a more in and out, meandering look to it would capture the brilliant stream-of-thought feeling you've got going on here. That said, I wouldn't compromise the thrust of the poem in doing so.

Maybe you have a bit more to say? I always get told off for this and it's a real pain in the backside to hear this in a review, but you've mastered the imagery you've got so far - maybe there is room to take this a step further and really delve into the consciousness of the narrator. Obviously you don't want to go overboard, but a few more powerful portraits might bring out a little bit more of the delightful schizophrenia the poem displays.

There is room for a little bit more imagination in a couple of instances. The idea of a wilting rose is a classic one, but I'm sure there is a more interesting idea you can get across there. Even changing the word wilting to something a bit more dynamic would do the trick - we've become so accustomed to the imagery throughout the years that it's lost its effect to some extent. Dig out your thesaurus perhaps, see if you can find something that cuts to the heart of what you really feel rather than what you think your feelings should resemble on the page.

Another instance is in the word beautiful, and I can't make my mind up as to whether it's a brilliant choice of word or a weak one. On one hand, it is describing the contents of a note and you wouldn't get very flowery language in such a setting and so in portraying the simplicity of this scenario maybe from lover to lover or friend to friend, it is brilliant. Speaking as a poet however, I see the word beauty as a bit of a cop out, maybe there's something a bit more specific and powerful. As I said, it is one of those words we are very accustomed to seeing in poetry. I'll leave this one up to you.

SUMMARY

A brilliantly executed piece of poetry by a skilled wordsmith. As with any piece of work, there is room not so much for improvement but for reconsideration. The route to mastery is in obsession, so it will never hurt to have another couple of reads over this bearing in mind what you're trying to say, who you're saying it to and why you're saying it. You've done an excellent job here.

I may, in your opinion, be completely wrong in my judgements about this poem - it is at your discretion whether you take my advice or not, and only you know the true intentions of the poem. That said, if I am completely wrong in my interpretation (though I aim to keep interpretation very loosely attached to my reviews as it's not that productive), then maybe more work is needed than is on the surface. At the end of the day, whatever the nuances people like myself pick up, if we the readers truly agree with you, as I'm certain we do, then you've truly accomplished your aims.

This is a very successful poem, I wish you all the best for the future.

Joe.
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