Disclaimer:
This review is in respone to your request. My only intention is to give you honest feedback and provide helpful tips and suggestions to help improve your piece appropriately.
Overall: I like the raw nature and simplicity. The message is clear and obvious with no twists and turns. Personally, I'm a big fan of poetic language, so this didnt really strike me as real profound poetry, however, it has a feel of a true and authentic expression of a feeling really experienced by the writer. At the end, writing is all about expression of ideas and feelings.
Title: the title caught my attention and I chose to read this first from the list. Confessions are raw and give a glimpse of the face underneath the mask. I think they are always intriguing. ( except when I have to make them ;). )
Structure/ pattern / form: This poem does not use rhyme . I'm sorry I am not the one to speak about form and pattern since I'm more of a free verse poet. But from the obvious, this poem is divided into 3 parts, the first made of 3 lines and the other 2 made of 6.
Grammar/ punctuation: the way you have used or not used the commas sets off the reader. It detracts the reader from the rythym and pauses or breaks. For example, in the first 3 lines, none were used! Remember that commas can be very powerful tools in setting the rythym and how the poem must be read.
Suggestions: aside from the better use of commas, I have one other suggestion. If you want your piece to be a bit more poetic you can dump some words. For example, in the beginning, dump the word 'when', and just start it with 'your telephone rang... Late last night..'. Also in the end::
"and I was afraid you would discover
my obsession
for hearing one word,"--
-- try reading it without the 'and' and replacing 'for' with 'in'.
Conclusion: It's simplicity makes it seem like a diary entry more than a profound poem BUT at the same time this same simplicity gives the reader a glimpse of the author's raw feelings and emotions of love. Keep it up. I wish you the best of luck with all your endeavors.
Disclaimer: this is just my humble opinion. My intent is only to suggest improvements and point out mistakes, or just praise you for a job well done!
Overall: I absolutely adore this piece! Wow! You have portrayed despair, regret, desperation, hope, and renewal in a very beautiful and clever way. As a reader, I felt sucked into the imagery and found myself feeling the exact same feeling as the narrator. That is because of your excellent word choice and the picture you have so eloquently painted. I got goosebumps, and with me this is an indication of the ingenious and brilliant nature of your piece.
Mistakes: I found none. Maybe my mind skipped them is any as I was too intrigued to care;)
Suggestions: maybe indent each paragraph.
What I loved the most:
- Loved that there was so much imagery and how you have portrayed the emotions so rather poetically.
- that I was hooked from the start and each paragraph brought on something unexpected.
- the paragraph about the woman. I loved the dual nature of the emotions and descriptions you've given like "seductively yet eerily" and "reassuring yet frightening". I got the sense of a past love which you lost because of that shield and mask you had on. A love that had remained in your heart but which was lost because of you.
- the fact that at the end, nothing saved you but yourself; the realization that denial has imprisoned you and that courage to face truth and reality was the only way to break free from that icy lake of dark emotions.
What I disliked most: nothing. There's nothing I disliked.
In conclusion: I'm impressed, intrigued, and I extremely enjoyed reviewing as much as I did reading this. Good luck with all your endeavors !!
Disclaimer: this is just my honest opinion. In no means do intend to criticize your work other than with good intent. In the end, this is my advise, you can take it or leave it.
Overall: I always enjoy good philosophical questions and debates, but this review is just to advise you on how you can improve the presentation of your work, not to argue your thoughts. I think there are places where you jump too fast from one idea to another. For example, I was lost on whether the real argument was desire/choice vs destiny or God's existence vs. in existence. I think your you should present your work in chapters, first presenting the idea of destiny, what it is, it's relation to choice, how it is perceived vs. desire, the argument, and conclusion, then in a new chapter relate what you have already established to the idea of God. If you don't want to do this, you can still keep it as is but just give a little more weight to the beginning by lengthening your argument before concluding and presenting the next God argument.
Grammar & spelling:
"as we lead our life".. and on..
-- our liveS. The next line should start with a capitalization and the 'i's should always be so. The words 'as in song' through me off because I don't see that it fits.
Then you go on to say: " Events from trivia to enormous"..
-- you are describing the events so you should use the word 'trivial' not 'trivia'
There are some other minor grammatical errors like the use or lack of commas and apostrophes. I suggest you edit.
Question: I know I told you I will not argue your thought but I can't help but ask:
What do you make of still births, birth defects caused by genetics, genetic makeup, chemical brain imbalances that can determine one's mood therefore affecting choice and desire? (Many other examples come to mind).
Also, is desire always met? Aren't there things like those mentioned above beyond our control and certainly go against our desire?
If you have an answer to that, you must include it in your proposal. A good philosophical proposal deals with all the counter arguments and refutes them.
In conclusion: I suggest elaboration on your thoughts to strengthen your argument, decide which of the two arguments relates to your final message, edit and proofread for grammatical and punctuation errors, and include and refute any counter arguments you can think of!!
I encourage you to keep it up and keep that great sense of wonder alive!!
Good luck with the rest of your work:)
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