Thank you for requesting a review in "Invalid Item" . I know that you requested a review for the second chapter, but I'll start off with the first and continue to the second if you still would like me to review that also. I'll start off with the suggestions I have while reading your chapter:
and it took near five years for anyone- I think that nearly would fit into this sentence better than near.
Generally a normal person, except for the scar. He didn’t know how he got it, when or where.- You could possibly combine these sentences to say Generally a normal person, except for the scar; he didn't know when, where, or how he got it.
some nuts that were laying in a bowl- I think that laying should be lying, but I have a tendency of getting those mixed up and could be wrong.
we see if we cant find- You're missing the apostrophe in cant.
I'm going have to be up early to get home in the morning or Clayton’ll have my hide.- This sentence seems to be a bit confusing. Try something like I'm going to have to be up early in the morining or Clayton'll have my hide.
I thought that you did a good job at developing the plot hinting on things like the scar through out the chapter only to make it more relevent at the end. You also ended the chapter at a point that makes the reader want to continue on to the next chapter with the suspense you built up in this chapter.
You did a very good job at developing the characters and making them realistic in general and to the place and culture they live in.
You did an excellent job with the descriptions of the character and setting through the whole chapter. They gave me an ability to form a mental picture of the story as it happened.
If you would still like a review of the second chapter to this story just let me know and I'll be sure to do so.
Thank you for requesting a review in "Invalid Item" . I'll start off with the suggestions I had as I read the chapter:
-The first thing I noticed is the overuse of the triple period at the end of sentences. Using it too much takes away the intended affect of creating some suspense and also slows down the flow of the story. You could always use semicolon's in spots or just not use any puncuation. I'll give you some examples of what I mean as I read the story.
‘And presenting to you ladies and gentlemen, The Most Outstanding Student of Harvard Law School for the year of 2006…..Miss Isabelle Gordon….’- This is one of the places where you could avoid the periods. Try 'And presenting to you, ladies and gentlemen, the most outstanding student of Harvard Law School for the year of 2006 Miss Isabelle Gordon...' Taking out the first set of periods here improves the flow of this opening sentence. The example I gave uses no puncuation, but you could substitute a semicolon or a dash if you would like to show the speaker giving a brief pause. The set at the end makes sense because it shows that there is more said or done that isn't going to be shown.
That moment was magical….I felt like I was being lifted up and was floating in the air…After all these years, after all those suffering, after much crying…I finally made it….I finally made it….Isabelle Gordon…The Most Outstanding Student…Of all people, Isabelle Gordon won the most coveted price in the law faculty….- I can see how you were using the sets of periods to show her excitement, but like I mentioned earlier overusing them takes away from the intended effect and also makes the overall appearence bad. With this part I would try something like this- That moment was magical. I felt like I was being lifted up and was floating in the air. After all these years, after all that suffering, after so much crying; I finally made it.I finally made it! Isabelle Gordon- The Most Outstanding Student. Of all people, Isabelle Gordon won the most coveted price in the law faculty! That way gives the same effect without too much repitition and makes it clearer to look at.
I looked at them not merely because I wanted to see those people who cheered for me neither do I want to see those who clapped thunderously for me.- In this section I think that you could split it up into two sentences between 'me neither'. You could also combine the paragraph this sentence comes from and the next one since the content in each are so closely related.
Their faces were like a blur vision to me- I think you should use blurred instead of blur here.
It was after the prize giving ceremony… I was surrounded by so many people I found it hard to even breathe…- This section would sound better if you tried something like After the award ceremony I was surrounded by so many people I found it hard to breathe.
The two of us were held together in a tight embrace for a long long time- Instead of saying 'a long long time' try using just 'a long time' or 'a very long time'.
its not about me- Its should be it's.
I guess its’ only- The apostrophe is misplaced here.
I can’t wait to reach home- Can't should be couldn't.
In chapter three there were a few places were you didn't use quotations to show what people were saying.
Usually our house will be filled by laughters.- You don't need the 's' at the end of laughter.
In a minute your breakfast would be ready- since this segment is from something one of the characters is saying it would make sense to keep it in present tense. You should use will instead of would in this sentence.
Of course Grandma Nancy will come- Will should be would.
I got my strengths again- You don't need the 's' at the end of strength.
Days after days his health deteriotated- Deteriotated is spelled wrong. SHould be deteriorated.
She will wake up in the middle- Will should be would.
I though the plot of the story was very good. The storyline seemed to take its own life through the story and didn't look like there were any holes in it.
The setting of the story isn't really mentioned. The only time the place was mentioned was at the award ceremony and at the house but you don't give the reader too much description of what these places looked like. You leave the reader wondering were the story was taking place. Was it in a small town, a city, etc? What did the house look like? What did the place were the ceremony was held look like? I know these are all things that the reader can imagine on his own but as you write you need to give the reader a mental image of the story to make the story really good.
I thought you did a good job at letting the reader know the main character, but I don't think that you did as good of a job building up the father's character. Add more of what he does and his reactions to things said other than his response to name a couple.
You should go through this story and try to substitute other things for all the sets of periods. You also might want to go through it and make sure all the words carry the past tense format you seem to be using (except for when you are quoting what people are saying). I think if you revised this story it would be alot better. Good luck on your writing in the future and keep on trying.
The Halloween spirit shown through poetry. Great job on this poem. You seemed to portray the events of Halloween very well in this poem and I think it was wise of you to do it without writing 'trick or treat' in any of the lines. I expected nothing less from you though.
Glad to see you came back to "Invalid Item" . Like the first two chapters I'll start off with the things I noticed while reading the chapter:
Before she went onto to tell me- You have and extra 'to' there.
I am sure she was sensitive and skilled enough to allow me, uninterrupted, just a few moments to loose myself in my private thoughts.- I think that you could have given some more infromation on what the thoughts were.
-The transition between leaving the former foster home and the Woolsten Home is kind of rough. Maybe add in anything said or done on the way their.
Good job on this chapter. I found that the main parts in the middle of the chapter seemed to be missing description and sometimes jumped from one thing to another though. You might want to go over it and see what you think about that. Other than that I htink that you carried the storyline foward well.
You did an excellent job capturing the emotions of such a sad situation. The words you used helped me imagine the situation very good. I thought that the flow of the poem was also very smooth. I liked how the poem gave the hint that time is very important, especially when you may not have that long. I think that is a point that people tend to forget.
I'm glad to see that you decided to keep working on this story and thank you for posting it in my forum. Here is what I noticed as I read this chapter:
penetrated my defences- Defences should be defenses.
John become to represent the- Instead of 'become' you might want to use began. I think that would sound better in the sentence.
Other than those things I didn't notice anything. I think that you did an excellent job writing this chapter and hope to read more of the story in the future.
Overall I thought this was a good poem that expresses the feelings of someone who is stuck in a dead end job. One suggestion that I have is that the last line of the first stanza seems out of place. I think you could describe what your fear is there instead. Maybe say something like 'my life stuck in repitition' The other is that you could rephrase the second to last line as 'As I look ahead' and end the previous line with a period.
I enjoyed reading this poem. I think that you did a good job at describing the view seen at sunrise. I looked at the description of a keat's sonnet and noticed that unlike other ones I have seen, it doesn't have a set number of syllables for each line. I would suggest that you look over this poem and equal out the amount of syllables in each line, or make the lines with more syllables evenly spaced through out the poem to enhance the rythmn of the poem. Also I noticed that you spelled Flawless wrong in the fourth line, but that is probaly just a typo.
Excellent poem Sherri. I thought that it was perfect and that you shouldn't change anything about it. I like the repitition of "I walk alone" in every other line. The addition of now to the beginning of the last repeat is a very good choice of an ending for this poem.
Thank you for requesting a review in "Invalid Item" . I'll start of with any errors/suggestions I gad while reading this story:
I stabbed my pen in his forearm and he never called me this again- This should be that.
This was a very well written story. Raw, gritty, and powerful describe it perfectly and this is only the begining. I think that you did an excellent job on this and I hope to see more of your talent in the future.
Here is the review you requested in "Invalid Item" . I'll start off with any errors/suggestions I had while reading the item:
The name as suggests, there is no predefined height to reach at, in spirituality there are no such word as Spiritual master, the secret lies in so called “satisfaction”, satisfaction of reaching the spiritual heights.- I think this sentence would sound better if you cleaned it up a little and possibly even split it into two sentences. Try something like As the name suggests there is no predefined height to reach at. In spirituality there is no such word as Spiritual Master. The secret lies in so called "satisfaction"; satisfaction of reaching the spiritual heights.
cannot live with out, In short the- The comma should be a period.
It is the Switch of consciousness, in more general terms try to calm down, understand the circumstances which took place irrespective of your presence or absence.- You might want to clean up this sentence a little bit. Try something like This dark room is the switch of consciousness; in more general terms trying to calm down and understand the circumstances which took place irrespective of your presence or absence.
I think that you could expand upon the second question's answer better. You might want ot consider going into a little more detail to answer the question otherewise it doesn't seem to be the answer expected from the question. Also I think when answering it you might watn to mention co-dependency as well.
In the last part, Ithink it would be better if you gave more examples of what the dark room might feel like. I know that you mentioned some causes of the loss of light, but I think that you might want to use more details.
I really like the last line- Now you are the ruler of your emotion other then your emotions ruling you.- With the subject you describe in this, this is the perfect ending for this section. If you would like me to review any more of this book in the future let me know and I would be more than happy to do so. It is very interesting.
I thought that you did a very good job writing this editorial. Although I may not completely agree with your motto, I thought it is one of the better ones out there. It isn't one of those that makes you feel that if you aren't the best you life is worthless if you know what I mean. Personally, mine is to do what I enjoy doing, be happy, and help those I love feel the same way.
Interesting quiz. Took it two time, once just messing around and the next time being brutally honest, and what can I say except evil is as evil does. The only suggetion I have is that since this is a fun quiz you should let the score board be seen so everyone else can see who else is evil... I mean good like them.
Good poem. I think you capture the emotions surrounding death and loneliness excellently. How you set up the poem, especially repeated a single word in some lines, really gives the reader an impression of the confusion these emotions can cause. I hope to see more from you in the future.
Another excellent poem, but I didn't expect anything less. You did a very good job on the rhythmn of this poem. It seemed to blend with the words perfectly. I liked how you played on the name Raven to give the imagery to the poem. It was a nice extra touch.
I saw your review request on the review request page so here one is. I'll try to be as detailed as I can.
Here are a few things I noticed as I was reading:
-I noticed that you didn't give the main characters name right at the beginning. I think you might want to do that, but you also may have waited to give the scene where his name is introduced more effect.
But he knew she wasn’t coming in and it seemed strange.- Possibly add 'still' after the word it or omit the second half of this sentence since you already mentioned it feeling strange.
I also noticed that between the last two scenes of your story you used a line to divide them, but didn't use it between the other ones. I think you might want to consider adding those in to keep certain parts of the story from running together too much.
I thought that you did a really good job on this story. It was very well writting. I thought that the plot of the story was very good and developed perfectly over the course of the story. Good job on this story.
I thought this poem was excellent and wouldn't change a thing. I think people write some of their best poetry when they write what they are feeling, strait from their heart; afterall, isn't that what poetry is all about. I've noticed that when I force myself to write instead of waiting until I have complete motivation to do so you can tell when you read that poem that it is kind of forced.
Excellent story. I thought that the story was very well written and the plot was very original. I have a few suggestions though, one being to seperate the paragraphs by a space or indent the beginning of each one. Also I thought that when you describe Earth being destroyed you could have added more example and descriptions to enhance that part of the story. The last suggestion that I have is to expand on the last section of your story. I thought that if you add more to the scene in Nevaeh that you can make this story perfect and since it seems to be the main part of the story. Good job on this story, it was bery good.
Good jog with this short story. It had me wondering through the whole thing who the narrator could be and what he would do, but the ending really suprised me. I guess there is a line or two before the end that hint at it very nicely, but I didn't think anything of those. I can tell you one thing, I started tho think that this person was getting pretty nosy though.
I think you developed the plot very nicely through the story. When it got closer to the end I thought it was missing some things, but that thought ended with the infamous ending.
With the setting I think you could have added some to it. Just by using a few more descriptions here and there would make it a lot better.
I liked the almost condescending tone you used through the whole story. It fit the story really well.
Here are a few suggestions that I have: David was head of a department at Clifford Taylor one of the leading computer and software manufacturers.- This sentence could use a comma after Clifford Taylor.
I don’t suppose she needed to work at all, they certainly didn’t need the money. I'd suggest changing the comma to a semicolon or just split this into two seperate sentences.
How could David treat her like this and why is it that the injured party is always the last to find out?- The word 'is' in this sentence should probaly be changed to was to keep it past tense.
I encourage you to keep on writing using some of the techniques you used here. If you want anything else reviewed feel free to post them in my review forum.
Excellent story. The main reason I liked it is because it makes you think about the future and what might happen, but also what you should be thinking of,prioritizing, in the present time. I won't make any comments on the plot or the setting since it seems to be a true story. I think you did a very good job describing this situation in the full, without anything unneeded.
Here are a few grammer mistakes/suggestions I have: Mother's roon- Just a typo in room. Thought I'd point that out.
I did alot- Alot should be two seperate words. (I noticed that you did this one other time later in the story.)
We laughed, we played, we told each other secrets. When I would have to leave her and return to my home, often I found myself sneaking back in the middle of the night, letting myself in and going to sleep on her couch with my little boy lying cuddled in my arms.- I think that this might make more sense integrated in with the third paragraph. It seems to corrolate more with the content of that paragraph more than any other.
late night Tv- The 'v' in TV should be capatalized.
When you used dialouge, you should have seperated speakers with an extra line or indentation to make it a little clearer who is speaking what words. You also seemed to be missing the quotation mark at the end of some of the spoken segments.
"Oh, I am so sick. I cant breath.- Cant is missing a apostrophe. (Also this is one of the places missing a quotation mark at the end.)
pnumonia- Misspelled, should be pheumonia.
frail she had all of a sudded become.She- Typo, sudded should be sudden. Also you are missing a space after the period.
oxygen mask straped- Missing a 'p' in strapped.
When she awaken- Awaken should be awakened to keep it in the past tense.
things that just was not there- Was should be were.
BodyDemensia- Missing a space inbetween the two words.
Alzheimers- I think it is supposed to be Alzheimer's.
Parkinsons- Probaly should be Parkinson's.
devistated- The 'i' should be an 'a'.
became to dangerous- To should be too.
Honey, you dont have- Dont is missing an apostrophe.
I know you are trying to tell the story from the present, but it might be better if you did it all in the past tense.
I think you did a wonderful job on this even though it may have been hard for you to write. I encourage you to keep on writing in the future, especially if you show this talent.
Good job on your first poem. I liked how you expanded each line giving it the staircase effect which correlates to the action part of the poem. The main suggestion that I have is if you meant for that to make each line with an extra syllable also. That would give the rhythmn of the poem an extra boost. I hope you continue to write poetry especially since you did such a good job on your first poem.
I wouldn't change a thing about this poem. I strongly agree with the future this poem predicts, however distressing it may be. I guessing that the prompt you used for this was starting everyline with the letter 'd', which actually made this poem what it is. The use of the numerous d's gave this poem almost a style of its own. Great job on this poem, not that I expected anything less.
Another excellent poem from you sherri. Of course the thing I liked most about the poem was What a waste because of the repitition. Another reason is that it gives the poem a tone of sadness and unhappiness that make the message of the poem come across so much more effectively.
The only suggestion that I have for you on this piece is that you use 'smell the roses' twice when it probaly would have been better to use another phrase like 'never stopped to feel the serenity'. I think this would probaly be best used in the second to last line.
Otherwise this is another perfect poem of yours. I'm looking foward to seeing more of your poetry in the future.
Good poem. One suggestion that I have is to read this outloud on see if that is the flow you want this poem to have. To me the flow seemed to get disrupted slightly in a few spots, but that also seemed to corrolate with certain points of the poem so it didn't really detract anything from the overall effect.
In the brief description you used are instead of our.
The rhyme of shed and bet in the fourth stanza is a off. You might want to see if you can revise that a little. With the lines you used there it seems hard to find a good rhyme so it probaly isn't a nessecity to change that if you have to change the two lines meaning.
I liked how you used So many of us fought and died. at the end of the poem. I think that gives the reader the main reason you wrote this poem.
Keep on writing poetry like this. It's really good.
Very intriging and frightning story. The words you used seem to bring a vivid image of the chaos and destruction surrounding the boy. I think you did a very good job at telling the story in this short story, letting us see the plot and the setting, and also giving me a good sense at the personalities of the characters. Good job on the first paragraph. It did an excellent job at setting the tone for the rest of the story.
Here are a few suggestions that I have: stomache- I don't think that the 'e' should be at the end of stomach. I wasn't sure if this was just an alternative spelling of the word so I decided to point it out.
slinters- Did you mean splinters?
Even still- I don't think that you need the even at the beginning of this sentence.
My stained white nightgown- Maybe add blood-stained to this part.
bicept- You don't need the 't' at the end of bicep.
place- Should probaly be placed to continue the use of the past tense in this story.
Also I noticed that you don't have him screaming a lot even in parts where you would think he would (when his bicep got broken for example). The only spot I noticed a scream in this whole thing was at the end and how you described it almost made it feel as if there should have been more.
After reading this, I think I will have to read more of what you have written. Excellent job.
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