Dear purpleflame, although this piece is brief. It seems to carry a weighty means. Perhap someone in love who wouldn't want to let go even though rejected. The use of "They say let you go" obstructs a little. I suggest you take our "you" if that will not distort you meaning. Love isn't a bitch. Maybe you just love someone who isn't worth your love.
Good piece!
Ebony White, I love your poem "Just a baby". Babies look up to adults to learn. So I suggests "she looks up to" instead of "she looks at".
In lines 4 stanza 1, I prefer "she is innocent and naive"
In stanza 3, I prefer, "she knows no danger". It introduces more passion to the poem.
Finally, No connection in stanza 4; between "learning to laugh" and "New to thoughts".
See what i have done below. Maybe, you could like it.
Great concept and do remember the baby learns from you. Have a blast!
Just A Baby
She’s just a baby
Young to the world
Unaware of the ways of men
she is Innocent and naïve
She looks up to Mom, to show her who to be
She looks up to Dad, to teach her how to love
She looks up to family, to mold and shape her
She looks up to friends, to walk beside her
She knows no danger
She knows not the thoughts of others
She knows not the meaning of love
She knows falsehood of words
She’s just a baby
Learning to laugh,
Learning to think,
Unafraid and carefree
She looks to see that you’re still there
As she looks to the future
She looks to your eyes
Each tiny look, she memorizes
She looks to know you care
As she looks to life who isn’t fair
She trusts the false smiles
She trusts the longing gazes
She trusts the pretty words
She trusts too much
She clings to words of comfort
She clings to any hint of joy
She clings to childhood peace
She clings to what has passed
She’s just a baby
About to enter the world
Unaware of the danger
Unaware of the hurt
Marty Kellie,your titled "Tomorrow will be interesting" actually fascinates me. I was curious to know what will happen tomorrow. However, I couldn't get that in your story.
I observed that you were not totally in control of your language and direction. So I could not understand the story much.
There seems to be inappropriate use of words and phrase or sentences.
For instance "It was unseasonable warm November" "I'd got the best equipment I could cage along with training video's, salves, creams, mineral supplements and hormones" and others.
"Today I felt calm and light and free" would flow better as "Today, i felt calm, light and free".
I couldn't do mush of in editing as i wanted to because i did get to understand your story that much.
A little work on it could make it come out better.
Thanks for write and sharing you experience.
Tomorrow
When I couldn't ignore the discomfort anymore, I stood up. The pain was getting to me earlier each day. Limping to the bathroom I ran a hot tub, took some meds and waited for the relief to kick in.
My life now revolved around medication, therapy and training. Nothing would be allowed to get in the way of my plans. Now, feeling warm supple I went down to the basement gym. I'd got the best equipment I could cage along with training video's, salves, creams, mineral supplements and hormones. After working for an hour I stood there, chest heaving, dripping sweat. I knew that I was ready.
Sunday night I pushed the electric motorcycle behind a tree and set out. I pushed through the brush and cut the chain link fence. At the building I disconnected the power, broke the window and headed for the cash room. I'd had a spy cam on this room for awhile so I knew what I wanted. With two full bags I retraced my steps. As I jogged towards the bike, I heard a muffled thump. The bridge was out, I was safe. Steering through the brush I headed out.
Monday morning I woke early, made tea and sat on the back steps. It was unseasonable warm for November. Tomorrow I'd think about the future, not today. Today I felt calm and light and free.
The robbery wouldn't be reported to authorities. They'd made that money illegally and they'd become complacent and sloppy; depending on bribes and their tough reputation to keep their operation secure. They would have seen me on camera but what would did they see? A slim figure in black running into the bush carrying 75 pound pack. They'd assume a young man not the retired bookkeeper living next door.
Pengthulu, your story "Valentine's Day" is a nice concept. However, the beautiful of the story is not really exploit. Maybe because of its length. There is also inconsistency in the story.
For instance, you start with "Kelley's my Valentine" which co-nodes certainty. Down the story, that certainty turns or was expressed more like a hope.
Check out the corrections below:
Kelley’s my valentine. I’ve loved her ever since I saw her standing in line at the grocery store. She looks like an angel. Then, She ignored me and hid herself or face in a cashier’s uniform. But now she won’t ignore me anymore. I know it. After all, it’s Valentine’s Day. And she’s in my basement, chained to the wall. She’s cover in red paper valentine.
Ponkacheese, your poem, "The Journey" is a nice concept. However, a journey should always lead somewhere or should be between two points. I also was not able to know who exactly the travelers are or who exactly is traveling to where. Were 'the many souls' going to heaven or the giver of the journey coming to earth? That is not clearly stated. I Love your use of 'mist' and 'twister' to symbolize temptations and trials.
Also there is a break in flow in lines 1, 3, 4 and 7 maybe for lack of commas. Lines 1 and 2 could be linked or separated. For instance,
Amongst the many souls,
I lie intoxicated by their shimmering spirits.
or
Amongst the many souls, I lie;
Intoxicated by their shimmering spirits.
Each of them gives a different meaning.
I suggest something like this, if it does not distort your meaning.
Amongst the many souls,
I lie Intoxicated by their shimmering spirits,
The warmth they brought, I don't deny.
This journey, by God's grace, we won't fear;
For the mist ahead and the twister, is near.
On this journey that we have been given,
The voices we hear, we do not fear;
For we share in this life, we are living;
And the voices are ours,
And the rains are tears of happiness;
Coming down to us from above.
And the harkening cry,
Is a welcoming sign of Him,
Who has granted us glorious Love,
All through, to the journey's end.
Please note: The restructure of the poem is base on my understanding of the message.
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/noble4writing
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.12 seconds at 7:15pm on Dec 26, 2024 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "