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Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/nmgillson
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15 Public Reviews Given
228 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by UKRiter Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (2.0)
Hello! I found your story, The Becoming (Chapter 1) and gave it a read. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.

Overall Impression:
Generally, I like the chapter, there are so many potential stories coming out of this first chapter, the mind boggles.

Plot:
The plot, to me, seems rather jumpy. First we hear about Edith being 12 at, I presume, her parent’s funeral, we jump to Helen (her aunt) and learn about her struggles as she grew up and then to helen’s mother and (presumably) father with no obvious link between them. This, unfortunately, has got me slightly confused.

Style and Voice:
I think your style needs a little developing. You have a tendency of swapping between different tenses (e.g. [The room was a satin blue, filled with flowers] vs [Two of the most important flowers have withered]) Although these two examples are both past tense, the first reads like a narrative whereas the second reads like a statement you would tell someone. Another example is the second paragraph (her parents have recently passed away…). To improve this, I would suggest changing ‘have’ to ‘had’.

You script seems to be a bit chocky with no real sense of direction, which would come with both editing and, of course, more writing experience.

Scene/Setting:
The opening paragraph is a great start. I love the description, though I would have liked more to set the scene for the rest of the chapter. I am a little confused at how there appears to be an ‘oak’ in ‘the room’.

I think you are able to split this particular chapter into three distinct chapters, one opening the story about (presumably) the Main Character, Edith, more about the funeral wake, what is the importance of the mark she saw, etc., Second chapter about Helen and the third about Jennifer, if, of course, the two latter women play an important role in your story. If they play little roles in the greater story, then I would perhaps suggest deleting the sections on them as they would then be irrelevant. You would, therefore, need to enhance the description about Edith.

Jumping between the initial funeral wake, to Helen’s past, to Jennifer’s initial meeting with James at completely different times is chaotic and, to the reader, confusing.

Characters:
There is not really much I can go on here about characters, however, I do like Edith. I love the small spark of potential in her, the sight of the mark that no one else can see creates mystery and engagement.

Personally, unless they play a major role (or even a minor role) in your story, I would shorten the sections on Helen and Jennifer as they are taking away from the mystery of Edith.

Dialogue:
The Dialogue between characters is pretty good.

Grammar and Mechanics:
First rule of speech in a story – if a new character speaks, a new line is needed. Not only does this make it easier to distinguish between characters in a conversation, it helps you, as the writer to see who is saying what and keep track of what is said (not to mention it is a grammatical rule!).

I am assuming this is your first draft and has not received an edit (if this is not the case, I apologise), and many of the grammatical, spelling (of which I found none!) and punctuation will be picked up during an edit.

Before, you even think about editing, of course, you should just write the entire novel and then go back to it, otherwise you won’t ever complete it…

Suggestions:
I suggest you consider the importance of Helen and Jennifer to the main story, build on the strengths of Edith, the mystery of the mark and why she can alone can see it.

Mechanically, I suggest you separate the speech so each character has a separate line and work on the grammar when you come to edit the full novel.

Final remarks:
I loved Edith and the mystery you created with just that simple description of the mark on her parent’s hands. This story has tremendous potential if you focus more on Edith. I definitely look forward to reading future chapters, which you must write.

Thank you for sharing your story. Write On!

DISCLAIMER:
My review is my opinion alone and in no way reflects the opinion of WDC. You are free to accept it or not. It is not my intention to offend you in anyway.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
2
2
Review of Aftermath  Open in new Window.
Review by UKRiter Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Nice. Short. Well written. The concept is pretty good, although I would liked to have read more action (not the James Bond or Die Hard action more movement, more things for the characters to be doing. I would like to have seen more description, the 'paper hats and noisemakers' is a good start, but after a great party one would think there would be far more description. What kind of dog is Lovey, what is distinctive about it (other than white!)? etc...

I like how you have written it in first person past tense - a good combination in your writing, you would do well to write more fiction, longer fiction in this tense. Not many can do that and pull it off - you can.

TECHNICAL
I can't see anything that jumps out in regards to SPG, other than the odd apostrophe (Aunts - unless there are several Aunts, it should be Aunt's).


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
3
3
Review of Oh Cramp 22 lines  Open in new Window.
Review by UKRiter Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
ROFL!!!

What a total bizarre poem! Despite the seemingly randomness of every line and every stanza, it somehow, makes perfect sense and is completely hilarious, especially the second stanza which to us over in the UK may have a completely different meaning to you guys over in the US and put into that context, the entire poem takes on a completely different feel to it - a more hilarious random total nonsense...still trying to work out how the 'fanny cramp' is connected to the 'face'...

Well done for brightening my evening.

It does need some punctuation, however, even just full stops here and there.

As always, this is only my opinion, take it or not that is your choice.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
4
4
Review of The Olive Theory  Open in new Window.
Review by UKRiter Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (2.5)
I like! After reading this charming love story with familiar characters, I have to say I enjoyed it. When I saw Clark and Lois, I was skeptical, but I felt not problem to read on until the end, no chore, nothing. It is charming, character-driven and in some cases well written.

TECHNICAL:
I did notice a few technical issues that you may want to look at:

'Her sister Lucy' there should be a comma after sister.
'fix up her hair' I think this would sound better 'fix her hair up'
Your jumping between past ('Lois smiled') and present ('Her favorite color is...') tense which is distracting.
'I have pictures of together' - It reads like there is something missing here.

There are a few grammatical and punctuation mistakes (above are just a few examples), perhaps you need to edit it a little.

In saying that, the story is good and I liked it.

As always, please take this review as my personal opinion and not as a personal attack on your writing. You are free to accept or forget some or all of what I have said.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
5
5
Review of It's time  Open in new Window.
Review by UKRiter Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (1.5)
Honestly, it is hard to rate this worship song without hearing the melody. Thanks by the for the intro guitar chords, but more perhaps are needed for the song - but like I said, not knowing the melody would make this hard. That being said, the words - its very repetitive and in some cases could be thought of as tedious. There really is not much to grasp onto here, to get your teeth into. I completely understand that Worship songs are for the Lord God, and all are pleasing to his ears, but in order to bring others into that worship, in order to attract the non-worshiper; there needs to be something that people can relate to.

I think, without trying to sound too negative, because (to be honest), I do like the words above, the words you have written above could be formed into some sort of chorus/refrain with words for verses - giving the listener (or in this case - reader!) a reason why 'It's time, we give our lives to you' and why we should 'lay them down, before you our king'.

On a completely reader/writer point of view (I have written several worship songs, in addition to short stories, etc), despite common thought, there is no need to capitalize 'you' or 'king' when referring to God or Jesus. 'king' should only be capitalized when it is written like 'King Jesus' or 'King of the Jews'. The only words that are capitalized in reference to God are: God, Lord, Son of God, God the Father (even 'his' and 'him' are not capitalized - which is clear from the KJV Bible). This is something that I learnt a few years back when trying to publish a book.

I know that this sounds VERY negative, but I think you do have some great promise in this song...but as always, my review is just my opinion, it is up to you whether you accept it or not.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
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