I won't get into punctuation. For me it is about the story. I think it is a little weak and unsatisfying. I don't like the flow, and there are too many unanswered questions.
I loved the story line. The descriptions of everything is magnificent and easily paints pictures within the minds eye. You surely built each of the characters and what they were doing better than most of those that I have read lately. I had a suspicion of where you would end this about half way through the piece when they would not let his brother see the body at the death scene. Excellent work - write on.
I like the story line. My first rule is that you must get my attention within the first or second paragraph or I will no read further. I don't like being bored to death. You did not bore me. I loved the rhyme of the old mans warning. Who is the regulator, and what happens next. This story needs expanding. The sentences need to be shortened. But I think the story has potential.
First let me say I am from Utah currently living in Florida. I am assuming that since this is a comedy piece, that the language is written this way for a reason. The person here is not too smart or well versed in how to speak. However, if you graduated from college and actually wright this way, you need to go back and take some English courses, and above all don't open a business. If it is at BYU then it will need to be off campus, however, you will sell some coffee. There are a lot of students there that don't exactly follow the rules. The piece is amusing.
Loved it. I had an idea that was going to happen within the first few paragraphs. Great story development with a good ending. I have known a lot of people just like the wife and two brothers. What goes around comes around. I liked the way you developed Darrel's feelings for his brother and Mother. I would say the this story truly demonstrates the meaning of karma.
Typically I don't look for writing errors, however, the story need to be broken down into paragraphs, it is too wordy, and uses trite overused phrases like 24/7. The story line may be good, but needs to be condensed, and shortened.
I noticed some inconsistency in the story line when she went to sleep on the roof to see the stars, woke up to the sun coming through the boards, then walking out on a balcony of the building she slept on the roof of. It doesn't flow and is not well thought out. I don't even think that much explanation needs to be there.
Keep working it, the story could be good, but you need to view you story in your minds eye and write from there by describing what you see.
What I say is just opinion. I don't look for spelling mistakes, grammar errors. What I always need is to find something within the first two paragraphs that grabs my interest and makes me want to read more. I didn't find that in this piece. It simply was not interesting to me.
I read “Zimmerman Walked”. Not wanting to create more public discourse, I thought I might comment.
Travon is tragically dead. I understand that, however, I think that he has some responsibility for his own death. I know this may shock you, but had Travon gone directly home there would have been no problem. Zimmerman did not approach, or confront Martin, up until Zimmerman had his nose broken.
I have learned through life that if we all paid more attention to what is going around us, lives could be saved, and crimes avoided. Ted Bundy was my next door neighbor. Had I paid more attention lives could have been saved. I was also a Juvenal Court intake officer for 3 years.
I don’t know about you, but I have had my nose broken on two occasions in my life, and both were debilitating. I have bumped my head on immoveable objects countless times, and it usually brought me to my knees. In this instance both happened. And, yes I would be fearful of my life if a stronger man was on top of me, and pounding my head against the cement.
Guns in America, and the unfettered access our citizens have to them helps make this problem, and even this tragedy, happen all too often.
What I am hearing on all the news stations is that a 17 year old should be able to go to the 7-11 and return home alive. I wholeheartedly agree. However, I can understand that someone in the neighborhood who sees someone who they have not seen before, walking close to the houses, could be someone who you may want to watch. Also, how was Zimmerman to know that he was 17, and unarmed? Two questions that can only be answered after the fact; Martin had his face covered with a hoodie.
Had Travon gone home with his skittles and ice tea, he would be alive today, and Zimmerman would have recognized next time he saw him. Problem solved, tragedy avoided. Assaulting Zimmerman would probably have gotten Martin an aggravated assault charge had he not been shot, and Zimmerman being able to recognize him after the assault had concluded.
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/njss
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.13 seconds at 1:06am on Nov 08, 2024 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "