I very thought provoking article dealing with a subject that few are prepared to look at. I applaud your courage. Well Done!
Unfortunately, I did see a number of areas that need corrected or re-worked. Remember these are suggestions only, the finally decision is yours.
Presentation: I feel, your article would benefit by breaking up the one vary long paragraph, into shorter paragraphs. that way emphaising certain trains of thought.
Proofreading: I found a number of errors {typos, mis-spellings, punctuation):
(indent}"However there can ve one side..."Should read - "However, there can be one side.."
"In that moment of weakness the darkness will embrace the light." Needs a comma after weakness.
"Although the darkness may embrace the light but never eclipse it. It is trapped in a bottle, like sand in an hourglass." Corrections are in red.
"Perhaps someday we will find someone who can..." Insert a comma after someday.
"Until the time we meet that person I will continue to face my demons and be content..." Need a comma after person.
"Even in peace there are often regrets." I think a comma is need after peace. Even better would be an Em Dash. ie "Even in that peace — there are often regrets."
Suggestions:
1)The first two sentences would stand out more if they stood together as a single paragraph.
2)You have a tendency to use the same word in close proximity to each other. ie: "I feel a constant battle within myself for control. As of now the light is prevailing over the dark, but I feel} the darkness is lying in wait for a moment of weakness in me. In that moment of weakness the darkness will embrace the light. Though the darkness may embarce the light but never eclipse it."
Although your meaning was clear, I feel this area would benefit from a re-write. You could say something like this:
"There is a constant battle within myself for control. As of now the light is prevailing over the dark, but I can feel the darkness lurking in the shadows... waiting for a sign of weakness. That is when it will leap forward and struggle for control of my soul. Although the darkness may embarce the light... it can never eclipse it."
3} In line with the above comment, here are two other areas that you need to look at:
"We all have demons inside we must face and find a peace within. Even in that peace there are often regrets. I hope in the future we can find a peace we can live with."
"We will always have demons we must face. No matter how often we face a demon down another rises to take its place. I think part of being human is to have demons and to face them down time and again."
4} You wrote - "We will always regret the things we have done wrong in the past. Perhaps someday we will find someone who can look beyond the darkness of our pasts and accept us for who we are. It will take a very strong person to look beyond our past and the darkness within and accept us demons and all. Until the time we meet that person I will continue to face my demons and be content with a past I regret."
You might want to consider something like:
"We will always regret the wrongs we committed. Prehaps someday, we will find a person strong enough to look beyond our past — to accept us for who we are, demons and all.
"Until then, I will continue to face my demons and be content with a past I regret."
I sense a lot of feeling went into writing this piece and I hope you understand, I was not judging that aspect of the work, only the technical presentation of it.
If you have any questions on my review please feel free to email me.
A beautiful piece of work. I became so engrossed in the story, that I forgot about why I was reading it in the first place.
You display a natural talent for weaving simple words into a wonderful and enchanting story. Your words flowed smoothly throughout, carrying the reader along in its wake, anixious to find out what becomes of the "somber child".
There was only one area that I believe you need to look at and possibly re-write. Your opening sentence (though very well worded) could benefit by being broken into two or more sentences. You wrote:
"There are tales that outlive the teller, mysteries that shall never be known, movements of the winds of time and space that defy understanding, dances of Spirit that send one into breathless ecstasy."{/}
May I suggest the following:
"There are tales that outlive the teller. Mysteries that shall never be known. Movements of the winds of time and space that defy understanding, dances of Spirit that send one into breathless ecstasy."
You have diffinitely caught my attention and I will be eagerly waiting to see what comes next.
This is a beautifully written story. From beginning to end, yours words flowed smoothly drawing the reader along in its wake.
The almost immediate rapport I felt towards the young girl continued through the story, and I found myself empathizing with her situation. Excellent job!
I did however, see two small errors. Both involved the spacing, actually the lack of spacing between paragraphs. Other than that, a perfectly written work.
What can I say, you have captured the woes and wonder of parenthood in a nicely written and very funny story. Who should I feel sorry for the most: the little boy who could not find milk or the neighbors dog.
I think this is a very well written start to what appears will be a great novel.
Your opening paragraph drew me right into the story making me want to read more. Your description of the fight scene allowed me to easily visualize the battle between man and beasts.
I can't wait to see what happens next.
There are two small things that you may want to consider --
1) presentation. With a double space between each paragraph it appears (although the flow of the story was excellent) that each were a seperate thought.
2} Your prologue. Although you gave us the basic premise to the story, ie time, location and such. I would have liked to see a little more detail, ie how his wife and daughter were killed. Were they attacked at home, in a park? This is only my view on the subject, but I feel the prologue to a story is the vehicle used by a writer to hook their audience. In the case of you story, it would provide the reader with a firm base of understanding to the main characters resentment and hatered of Werewolves.
Great article! As I read your advice, my mind would focus in on the characters in my book. I found myself comparing what you said to what I have done with each. I see I still have a lot of work to do.
As a first time writer it is important (if one desires to be good) to heed the advice of others who possess the knowledge you lack. This article has accomplished that with me. I hop e you don't mind, but I printed it out so that I may have a guide to remind me what I should be looking for and instilling into my characters.
This is a beautifully written piece. Your descriptions were thorough yet not overflowing with flowery words. It was very easy to visualize the mountain path; the elves dancing round the fire; and the colorful preserved city.
The flow of the story was excellent, leading the reader from one paragraph to the next with ease. I am interested in seeing what lessons she will learn in the upcoming chapters.
There were some minor items I found or have questions on. First I found what appears to be a few typos.
a) "..long past her mid day mean." I believe you meant -- meal.
b) "..finally made to the top of.." I think you forgot -- it (made it to)
c} "Carefully she set her back down on a.." Was this suppose to be -- backpack?
d) "..hear the predators as they caught their preys. I could be wrong but I think -- prey would read a little better.
e) "But there beauty was..." Should be --their
Comments/Suggetions:
a) You wrote -- "..she felt the sense of power deep within her stomach." I really don't think one would feel power in their stomach, but more so in their 'soul' or 'being'.
b) You wrote -- "It all seemed like if it fit." I understood what you were saying and it could be just me, but this small sentence coming at the end of a paragraph didn't fit in with the flow of words. I know I should offer a suggestion,but all I can think of right now is - "Everything seemed to fit."
and even that does not fit in with your style. Sorry.
c) You wrote -- "She rest one night,.." Here I would suggest the contraction - "She'd rest one night,.."
This is a well written story. You grabbed my attention with the first paragraph and kept it throughout the whole story. Nice Job!
I only have one question which deals with the end. I will give only a brief description as to not spoil it for anyone else. It has to do with your time period. In the first sentence you mention - "After a few hours..." then in the next mentioned - "..school for days." Just thought you might want to look at that.
I believe you might have something here. As first drafts go this is really good and expect any revision will only strengthen the foundation of your story.
Here are a few suggestions to think over.
1) Have you thought about breaking up some of these larger paragraphs into shorter ones. for example: First paragraph - put a break in between "...throughout the year." and "And yet as hard..."
2) I am not positive about this, but I believe initially you should give the full state name instead of the abbrevations. ie NY should be New York, etc. After first use I think the abbreviated form is okay.
3) Your opening starts: "With five years of living on the east coast, I am more sure than ever that I will always be a west coast angelino so to speak at heart." Maybe something along the lines of: "After five years of living on the east coast, I am now more convinced than ever that I shall always be a west coast angelino." Just a suggestion think about it.
4) I would suggest also to try and cut down on the wouldn't, couldn't, I've and such. This was a major problem I had to overcome also. Granted there are times when they are appropriate, but I think your narrative would flow a little better without so many.
As you said this is a first draft and I have been there, sometimes I do not think it will ever stop, but eventually it will.
I am anixous to see what your character finds out, as I myself was born and raised on the east coast.
Until then Keep Writing! Let me know when you have more.
Cleared up some questions I had. Your idea of rewarding those who review other work is wonderful idea, especially for Newbies.
As a Newbie myself, image my surprise when I received a your unexpected gift after my first attempt at reviewing. Thr rules encourage us to step outside our safe zone and explore new genres we would otherwise ignore.
I really liked you story. It was funny and you could feel Franks desparation in how the story flowed. The dialogue at the start, grabbed my attention and I wanted to read more. A real fine job!
One question though, Did the Big Wigs notice? :>)
Keep up the good work.
Nitehawk
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/nitehawk
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.13 seconds at 1:07pm on Nov 16, 2024 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
