Hi,
First a little about myself- I used to write shorts and am now trying to execute my ideas for novels (latest interest: mystery). However, while I’m an avid reader I have yet to write something I like well enough to actually submit for publication. I’m currently reviewing as a way of procrastinating. But perhaps I’ll catch the writing ‘bug’ again through reading others’ works.
While my comments are helpfully meant, they are in the end only one reader’s views. Please feel free to take them on board if you think they are helpful, or ignore them-in the end you, the author, know best where you’re going with this text.
To be frank, I wasn’t quite sure how to review a <personal> text, so I decided to review it as though it was a short story intended for publication. Having said that, here goes:
title
I liked the title because both <journey> and <unexpected> create interest and suspense.
plot:
*ATTENTION: PLOTSPOILER*: The unnamed female I-narrator visits a circus, the last attraction of which is what appears to her to be a hall of mirrors. She and her friend pass the mirrors, which seem to provide the opportunity to reflect on one’s character or soul, showing varying aspects. In the end there’s a brief impression on what might have been and the assurance the protagonist has chosen the right path (in both senses of right-hand and correct) in her life. She realizes that her friend is her soul and that, while this unexpected journey was necessary, she needn’t reveal what she has seen. That it wasn’t a dream is proven by a pair of gloves she has picked up during the journey through the hall of mirrors.
Pacing was quite good, the ending contained a nice twist with the gloves and I liked the reference back to the title, which closes the loop so to speak.
Just some random comments:
-In the end I wasn’t quite sure where you’re going with this text; it read to me a bit like a morality tale or fable…but if that assumption is true-what conclusion do you want us to draw?
-I found the bit with the gloves surprising; I never thought this was a dream, so for me, the <proof> was unnecessary, but see what others say…
-potential flaw: She is commended for choosing the <right> path, when in fact, if I remember correctly, she stands there actually thinking (rebelliously?) to go left, when suddenly all other paths disappear, and only the path to the right remains open to her; that’s not strictly speaking a choice, or am I wrong?
characters: Personally, I don’t like unnamed characters, but since it’s an I-narrator I can live with it (repetitive I’s are for me less irritating than repetitive she’s). I for some reason pictured her as quite young, a teenager most likely, twenty at most and I felt confused at the paragraph with the skeleton, where she seems to be looking back on the events (though not clearly specified) of a whole life-time, which would make her a much older person (or is that the future)? There’s really not a lot about the appearances of either the narrator or her friend, or the faceless crowd surrounding them.-The <voice> of your protagonist is quite engaging.
I feel a bit unsure about my comments here, because your text is clearly to be read symbolically, as in a way applicable to all of us, which would make a case for leaving the persons somewhat undefined or generic…
grammar: no problems that I could see (I commented on a comma, but punctuation is not one of my strengths)
style/voice: You have a nice, easy to read style, but there’s far too much ‘telling’; because I think you really have a vivid imagination and this story shows quite some promise, I went to some length to point out a lot (not all) instances of telling instead of showing; I’ve also for the sake of clarity included some ideas how to show the exact same thing, but please do not think that I’m arrogantly rewriting your text, it’s just to hopefully better illustrate my meaning.-There was a bit of unnecessary verbosity
setting: I didn’t immediately ‘get’ that you meant a real circus, so perhaps a few words on the attractions passed, the bearded lady, the mermaid, or so, might help to drive that point home. The atmosphere was great, magical, but all the telling instead of showing really stood in the way. I suggest working on that. For numerous examples of telling and some suggestions of what showing might look like, see below.
overall: Potentially a great short story. Thanks for posting, I enjoyed reading it. Please understand that with so much room for improvement I have to give a relatively low rating (but I’d be willing to review and rate a revision).
Good luck with your writing and have a nice writing day
Nok
IN-LINE COMMENTS
“I was afraid. I didn’t want to” –telling, show us instead? Perhaps have her drag her feet, while her stomach tightens or her gorge rises?
“only” is overused-9 times, twice in this sentence alone: ”The only thing that no one told us was whether you’re the only one …” Try and get rid of as many instances as you can would be my suggestion
”I felt like … and I hated it. And I also feared ….something I didn’t expect. But, it can’t be that horrible, right?” Telling again, show us instead, perhaps: My brain closed like a fist around my naked thoughts, as I cringed….My body tensed as though something was about to jump out on me. …Also I think there’s a slip from past tense “didn’t” to present tense “can’t”, which should be “couldn’t” unless “But, it can’t be that horrible, right?” are the heroine’s directly rendered thoughts, in which case they ought to be enclosed in apostrophes or written in italics. Not sure about the comma after “But”, it’s not my strength, but I don’t think you need one here, if it was me I’d delete it.
“We walked slowly,”-telling again, use an online thesaurus and pick a stronger verb to express “slowly” (-ly adverbs are good indicators to identify instances of telling, instead of showing)
“At first I didn’t pay attention to the words, but my friend nudged me, urging me to read what was written there.-I don’t like this, it feels like a slip out of the character’s point of view—and it’s a negative, so I can’t really imagine it…if it’s important try and express it as action instead of non-action, perhaps The mirrors had plaques with writing on them, but my eyes were drawn to….
“Beware, …” made me think how I really can’t wait to get this over with.” Telling again as well as slip in use of tenses.
“We entered ….3 meters wide and you had mirrors on both sides of the hallway. There seemed to be some sort of a plaque next to every mirror, with only one word on it.” Numbers up to 20 I believe are usually spelled out. <There seemed to be some sort of> Telling and verbose, I suggest to delete this beginning and start the sentence perhaps like this: Next to every mirror a plaque was mounted…
“The crowd was moving slowly”-telling, show us instead?
“I looked at my own reflection and got confused. My eyes flew to the plaque looking for an answer but “soul” didn’t have much sense. Then I looked at my friend and saw that none of us understood what this represented.” Loads of telling (underlined). Perhaps: My own reflection scrambled my thoughts. My eyes flew to the plaque. It said ‘soul’. Huh? My friend raised her brows at me and I shrugged my shoulders.
I expected to see-telling
What we stream for. –Do you mean yearn or strive for?
And while I’m happy…-the whole paragraph that follows is technically telling and feels also a bit like an info dump regarding the character’s well, character…But it sort of works here, so it’s up to you whether to try and show through practical examples or leave the telling as the character’s insights into her own nature…
…and I was confused once more. …and she appeared … I didn’t know what to think. I looked closely … and saw …that seemed … as if something was preventing it … I wasn’t sure …. but I sensed that at least some of it had to do something with me trying to have control over every single one of my emotions, trying to numb them and somehow forbid them from showing completely. … I didn’t know what to expect …I thought that nothing could surprise me anymore …Lots of telling in this paragraph, show us instead
“That wasn’t an easy one. It’s not that I live a life filled with regrets, it’s just that even the slightest action could change my future life. –These sentences were somewhat unclear to me…They don’t seem to convey the strong, dramatic emotion I’m expecting at this moment in the story. Clarify? As it stands, this somehow reads detached to me…Also how old is the character? I’d assumed she’s quite a young girl…at most twenty maybe
“For example, what if”… This paragraph again contains a lot of telling e.g. “I could feel” (2x)… But I knew… I realized ..Thinking that … what seemed … I quickly forgot …and turned my attention to……What did I see? I saw (2x)…. Just as I processed this, … Me, being as I am, thought that … and just as I thought that, … thinking how all of this was bizarre.
“bumping”-do you perhaps mean “pumping”?
And yet somehow, it all felt …telling.
I woke up suddenly trying to chase off the last bits of my dream... … I wasn’t sure …telling
…knowing that after all, no one needs to know about this...Can you avoid the repetitive knowing/know?
PS If you like my review, please consider returning the favor my reviewing a fellow author on the review request page. (And if you don’t like my review, consider reviewing another author to show me how it’s done.)
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