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Review of The Beginning  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Ben,

Thanks for putting this story up. I feel it is a bit more of a vignette rather than a story, however, for me, that is not a bad thing. I can see a story here, just beneath the surface and much like a burlesque performer, it tantalizes. This piece is an interesting combination of sweetness and sensuality that was both “awww” inspiring and fun.

I’m not sure where you intend to go with the piece, but I think that it hasn’t quite reached its full potential.

For me, this story appears to be about chemistry. The strong, visceral chemistry that pulls two people together and can either lead to lifelong bliss or just an intense relationship. For the narrator, that seems to be at the root of his feelings for the Blonde. Given his past history, it makes total sense. I don’t think the story is unrealistic, per se, I think some pieces are missing for a reader to get a real sense of what is going on.

First, the narrator is a Chemistry professor. I really think this could be played up a lot, given the role “chemistry” plays throughout the story. It both enhances the relationship but also analyzes it, much like the narrator does when deducing so much about the Blonde. If from the outset his profession and his experience were tied together, I think it would provide a nice framework for the piece.

Also, given the narrator’s penchant for analysis, the piece is lacking in a lot of self-analysis. Based on what is here, this relationship was based on lust, pure and simple. From beginning to end. The comments at the end lead me to conclude that this is set in a different time, a time where marriages were more likely to occur because of that emotion. However, the piece never actually tells the reader when it is set, so they might assume the present where such things are less prevalent. I think if the narrator were a bit more forthcoming with his internal feelings for the Blonde beyond the physical attraction, it would add to the “believability.” (For the record, I find the story believable, just missing the internal journey piece.)

And there is the following paragraph:

“Although I found her to be highly attractive I determined not to see her again. I knew if I did, I'd likely find myself in deep water---and sinking fast. Yet the next day the girl who'd arranged the date in the first place had said to me, "No you aren't supposed to see her again. That was just for once! If you were to go out with her again it would be very embarrassing for me." (They worked together and everyone knew what everybody else was doing.) "You're not to have anything more to do with her." But we didn't have a relationship such that I'd accept that sort of thing from her. So, against my better judgment, I did call the blonde, and...”

This paragraph didn’t really make any sense to me. The narrator does want to see the Blonde again, but doesn’t because he recognizes the danger she poses to his bachelor lifestyle. Got that. The “girlfriend” set the date up because… And she doesn’t want the narrator to see her again because then it will look like the narrator prefers the Blonde to the “girlfriend” and that makes her look bad. That makes sense. So, out of spite, the narrator asks the Blonde out again? I think.

In my opinion, this is where a bit more set-up and explanation would really help the reader understand the situation of the narrator and his actual motivations. He knows the Blonde is a danger to his footloose and fancy free life, but just to get back at the woman his regularly seeing, he’s willing to take that risk? There’s more to this and I think the reader to could benefit from some of it.

You mention that people commented on the brick pizzeria. I am familiar with the “brickhouse” description (and the song was pretty good too). I think setting off brick pizzeria in italics might help indicate this as a possibly unfamiliar slang term.

Again, I don’t know what you intend to do with this, but I love the interplay between the sweet and saucy. I hope you do revise this and this “beginning” piece leads to a middle and an end. This narrator is an intriguing chap.

Good luck,

Nighala


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Hi,

Thanks for the opportunity to read your story. This is a really interesting piece. As a side story, it worked. I am intrigued by the world created in it. For a short piece, it does a good job of painting a picture of the world and laying some of the rules for the magic. I also really enjoyed the different levels of fire as magical tools in the piece.

I'm not sure if this is meant to stand alone, be an introduction or a treat for those already familiar with the series. However, as a stand alone or introduction, it is confusing. For me, there was a lot of the piece that referenced things a new reader wouldn't know. I think if it is meant for people already familiar with the series, it's probably fine, but a little more explanation would help if it is intended for new readers.

For me, a lot of the action was incredibly confusing. It was difficult to figure out who was doing what and how one event led to another. I think if the action were slowed down, drawn out a bit more with explicit connections drawn, the sequence would have more power. I think action scenes can be bogged down by too much reflection, but in this case, there is too little, in my opinion.

I noticed a lot of typos/word choice seeming mistakes: starred for stared, lightening for lightning, I think if you went back over the piece and looked for things like that, it would improve the work.

Also, the following description was sort of jarring for me:

He was of average height and had a muscular build. His long, brown hair licked the side of his face as the dark wind blew through them and his bright, purple eyes starred into the forest


I think if things like this were woven into the piece as opposed to presented in one paragraph, it would feel more natural.

I enjoyed reading the story, despite my confusion. It is an interesting world that I would enjoy revisiting. Thank you again.

Good luck,

Nighala


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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Review of Chief Jimbob  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
Hi,

Thank you for letting me have the opportunity to read your piece. I love the premise of the satire. I think it has so much opportunity for a really funny story. I especially like the way it twists at the end bringing everything full circle.

However, for me, this piece didn't really feel like a satire the way it stands. It is more a chronicle of a really bad day and what a bad day. I think that if Jimmy were a bit more proactive in his actions or a little more snarky in his thoughts, it would up the humor in the piece. As it stands, he goes through the day, a passive man having various things hurled at him. I think you were trying to have him be the straight man in a world with extreme situations, but the situations, while bad, weren't really extreme enough to pull that off, in my opinion.

I think if you played up the other characters, made them more farcical, it would really help the humor in the piece. There is so much opportunity here. The shop owner, for example, right now, she's a nasty piece of work, but rather run-of-the-mill. If she were to be even more nasty, more cruel, a James Bond villain type, Jimmy would have more to play off of. She could have plastic surgery to make Cruella DeVille weep, enjoy petting small animals and have a cackle that would make Shakespeare's witches slink away in shame.

For me, there were a few to many -ly words. I think the piece would be stronger if what is summed up in an -ly word were shown through action, etc. Also, and this is totally personal, some of the attributions in dialogue irked me. An example:

"So you're entering the rat race Jim-Bob" he guffawed, passing the slip around to the fellow drinkers who casually stared at it, giggling at Jimmy.


I believe guffawing is laughing, and it is really hard to laugh and speak at the same time. Something like: he said, with a loud guffaw... might work better.

In my opinion, the piece drags in some places. The bus scene, for instance. Nothing really happens there. Jimmy wants a cigarette, the kids are annoying, but no real character development or action happens. I think if places like this were trimmed out, or amped up, the piece would have a better pacing.

There is a lot of potential in this piece. I can sort of see where it was meant to go. For me, it didn't quite make it, but with some reworking, I think it will go further. Thank you again.

Nighala


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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Review of My Computer  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Been there, done that, got the t-shirt and shards of plastic.

I think this needs to be printed out and posted near my workspace so that I look up and see it when my computer decides to join yours on strike.

Technically, this piece was solid. Nothing jumped out at me or distracted me. I felt the piece pulled me forward through the stanzas.

More than that, the piece really caught me and didn't let go. I wanted to keep reading and empathized with the character as he/she struggled with the dread machine.

The computer's response was not as good, but I might be biased.

Thanks for the read,

Nighala

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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
The premise of this piece is hysterical. I had fun going through the various chapters and reading about the adventure. It's not everyday you hear someone (male or female) complaining of being too thin, at least not in my neck of the woods.

The only thing that would really help make this better is, perhaps, cleaning up some of the chapters. I found quite a few typos as I progressed through. Some were easy to bypass, but more than once I had to stop and re-read to figure out what had happened. I understand with so many people (due to the popularity) it is probably difficult to stay on top of that, but that is my suggestion. Thanks for some really good laughs.
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Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I think you bring up an important and interesting question in this piece. I also have to say that for the most part your position is well-argued and informative. I think that this issue is too often the product of reactionary thinking as opposed to the constructive debate that it rightfully deserves. Here I refer to the issue of censorship. As for the events of the war in Iraq, I agree wholeheartedly that there are two sides to every coin and before jumping on the most current “bandwagon” it behooves us to inform ourselves of each.

Technically, I noticed a few nit-picky comma things, but nothing that really detracted from the piece as a whole. As an example,

So, I have to assume he has done the same in this "movie" which is being called a documentary, though Moore calls it op-ed.

Your paragraphs are good, well-organized, and tight. Each leading into the other with a nice progression that allows the reader to flow along with your argument.

However, I feel that this piece has a split-personality of sorts. On the one hand it appears to be about censorship and on the other about the anti-war sentiment that has arisen. While I see how they are tied together in your argument, I think you are trying to comment on something very different from censorship in this piece. That may have been what you started out with, but it’s not where you ended up.

I think both arguments are good, but I think you really need to give this piece a tighter focus. Which of the two are you really talking about. If the war is merely an example, why not give the reader other examples of where censorship can be potentially a good thing? If it is about the war, then leave the censorship angle out and bring to light the inaccuracies that have become so prevalent in our media hungry society.

As to your censorship argument, I’m afraid I have to take issue with a bit. While I understand the need for watchdog groups who try to protect societal morality, and I appreciate their work, I think allowing them free rein to decide what we can and cannot watch is a mistake. There is one part of the equation you do not address in this piece and that is personal responsibility. The child who idolizes the suicidal rock star made a choice when they follow suit. While the example set by the idol was a bad one, there has to be accountability on some level for the person who choose to emulate them. If people truly want to change society and the mores which are becoming too extreme, then the pressure should be on the individuals who patronize such entertainments. I am not holding harmless the flesh peddlers and violence mongers, but freedom of speech is too important to leave in the hands of a select few. Restraints exist (you can’t yell “fire” in a crowded movie theater, no matter how much meaning you think it has, unless there really is a fire), they are necessary, but those limits must be tightly controlled. Otherwise, we run the risk of becoming Fahrenheit 451 or 1984. As someone experienced with Psychology, you know the dangers of the “slippery slope.”

You use the polite society example to show that censorship is acceptable. What you fail to distinguish is that what we do to be accepted in society is self-censorship. A person can go to a fancy dinner party, curse like a sailor, tell inappropriate jokes, etc. The worst he or she might expect is to be politely asked to leave. If that person wants to stay in that environment they must conform their behavior to fit. However, if they choose to remain just as they are, they can. The only penalty is a self-inflicted one. Censorship is different. If said work does not meet the requisite criteria, it is never heard, never seen, never brought to light. In essence, it ceases to exist. Far different from the coarse person at the party. They may spread their form of communication in other venues at other times. Self-censorship is a necessity when you have more than one person occupying the same spaces. If we always said exactly what we thought, how we thought, we’d constantly be alienating people. But sometimes, in order for change to occur, humans have to push the boundaries of acceptability. Now, it is perfectly acceptable to depict an African-American doctor, Hispanic lawyer, Asian billionaire, would it have passed censorship muster seventy years ago? If people had been figuratively gagged from promoting civil rights, would the movement have occurred.

Thomas Jefferson said, “I may not agree with what you say, but I will defend, to the death, your right to say it.” Censorship is dangerous, our founding fathers knew it, and we know it now. While I agree that the freedom of speech is not absolute, I think it would strengthen your piece if you brought out some of the reasons for its being a bad word. Showing both sides of the coin, the positives of censorship as well as its negatives, your argument would be stronger.

As for your thoughts on the anti-war sentiment and the Iraq war, I feel they are good and coherent. But, I think they are out of place in this piece. However, my same advice holds, show both sides of the issue. Does anything that they say have merit? Or is it all drivel? When you can show the key points of an opposing argument and then shoot them all down, yours always comes across as more persuasive.

Thanks for the read,

Nighala

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Review of Graveyard Shift  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
As a lover of vampires, I love this story. Instead of concentrating on the animalistic nature of the denizens of the night, you real bring out their humanity. I also enjoyed how you brought out the realities of life, not the romantics that are often the focus of a vampire tale. The gradual revelation of Mack’s condition suits the pace of this story, adding to the soft, almost inspiring nature of it.

Technically, I did notice a few issues.

Now, it’s showing a minor unknown anomaly

I think you need a comma after the Now.

And tomorrow you focus on that little girl’s symptoms. Not on her luck, and not on whether the good Lord’s got someone else beside you lookin’ out for her.

It’s traditional that when writing the name of God in any of its forms to capitalize it. I also think it helps differentiate between a god (such as Athena) and the Judeo-Christian God.

Yet, he had been at the hospital for too long, and was too endeared by the staff to need ever worry about being fired for negligence.

I think you need a comma after the Yet.

These were the only errors that jumped out at me.

You do an excellent job of keeping your paragraphs tight and allowing the story flow. I really applaud you for this. Also, your use of language fits perfectly for the characters involved. Mack comes to life on the page for us, as does Dr. Shaw.

I think it might make this piece stronger if you cut down the opening a bit. Mack’s conversation with Dr. Shaw is good, but long. We spend a lot of time reading about her, and not really Mack. As it is his sacrifice we are witness to, I think it might help if you condensed this, or used it to show Mack a little more. Perhaps, allowing some of his own thoughts on her situation to come through. I think you can do this without revealing the mystery. When she mentions Guardian Angels, you could allow Mack to lament how the medical profession has lost sight of its purpose to heal. In order to do that, you have to work with both the body and spirit. Something like that. It would allow the reader to really get to know him. We understand him a bit by the time he comes to the Pediatric Wing, but for the most part, we only have a broad brush understanding of him. Perhaps going into the details a bit would be helpful.

If you do decide to cut the beginning, you could use the space to expand on Mack’s past. He is seeking atonement, is it only for being a vampire and the horrible deed he committed, or is there something more lurking in his past. I enjoy the fact that you don’t go into how he became what he is and I don’t think it would serve the story if you injected it. But where did his perspective come from? Was it something that lived with him before he turned, or did it develop in his time alone? Again, I think delving a little deeper in Mack’s psyche would make the piece more meaningful. You could do this by exploring his philosophy. Does Mack have a criteria when he picks who he will offer his life giving gift? How does he feel about babies whose conditions were caused by the lack of care of their mothers? What about the victims of abuse? How does he feel about the doctors who are like the one who treated him? How about the world around him, much has changed, how does he feel about the state of the world he is in now? Or does he not concern himself with the larger picture, preferring to focus on the problems in his own backyard? A word of explanation, I am not advocating lengthening the piece greatly, weaving a few details in, or perhaps a paragraph of thought, I think one of the greatest strengths of this piece is its brevity.

A small factual issue, Mack talks about “almost a hundred years passing,” that would put the hospital and his death around 1906 or thereabouts if you are using the current year. From his memory of his death, it seems as if the hospital has its own blood supply. I’m not sure, but this would have been exceedingly difficult in 1906 because of the refrigeration issues. I don’t think hospitals of the time had blood banks. Again, I might be wrong, but it is something that would be worth checking out. You could also resolve the issue by bumping up the time frame, say fifty years in the past, or sixty. Anytime after WWII would be easily believable.

All in all, I really enjoyed this piece. It has great potential, especially how saturated the market is with the Anne Rice or Bela Lugosi vampire. The idea of the angel of death being the angel of mercy is wonderful. I think this could definitely be publishable, should you choose to go that route.

Thanks for an intriguing read,

Nighala

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Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
This has so much potential. Your main character’s rantings are frightening, but they make a sort of logic that makes us uncomfortable. This could really be one of those stories that scares you two days later. It takes people into the mind of someone who is so fractured that we like to think they are abominations. But by making this person real, making them seem somewhat rational, we begin to see the dangers of our own rationalizations. That is the chill factor in this story.

Technically, the piece is mostly sound. I didn’t see any spelling errors or typos. However, I did notice that you when continuing her speech through different paragraphs you didn’t use quotations. I have always been taught that when a character continues speaking over multiple paragraphs, you leave off the closing set of quotes on the first paragraph, and use the opening set on the next. This indicates to the reader that the talking is continuing from the same speaker. Also, when you have a character say that someone else said something, like, Kat spoke with tears in her eyes, “I can’t believe Tyler said that to me. He told me ‘You’re just not what they wanted.’” You use the single quote, then enclose the whole statement in the normal quotation marks. However, those were the only problems I saw from a technical angle.

I also saw one place where I wonder if you were thinking of another word,

Should I really be prosecuted for bringing justice to the world?” She points at herself with an innocent look.

Could you mean persecuted? Prosecuted brings to mind legal proceedings, but as she is already in an institution, it is a foregone conclusion. However, the woman who keeps tormenting her is persecuting her for the crimes she has committed, despite her having been prosecuted.

I would consider not including the psychiatrist in this at all. But rather have her tell us the story. By taking us out of her head, into the real world where we can analyze her, you give us the luxury of distance. I wouldn’t. Part of what makes this story jump off the page at us is the fact that we can relate to her. We can understand what is making her twisted mind work. We know guilt, we know passion, we know going to lengths to accomplish something. In her mind, that is all she is doing. The fact that she is crossing lines right and left never dawns on her. Bring us into that world. Make us look out those bars, have those thoughts. The tension in the reader as they realize what they are being sucked into will intensify their feelings of horror at what they are reading, thus giving them that scare that lingers. This story put me in the mind of “A Tell-Tale Heart,” by Edgar Allan Poe, as such, I think that perhaps changing the point of view to first-person would give it more of a pop.

It would also allow you to really bring out the physical sensations of her acts. From the carving up of the boyfriend to the removal of the finger. Those gruesome sensations would bring the story more alive to the reader. Bring us as close as possible to her. When she is carving him up, showing him how much she loves him, what is she feeling? Is it that euphoria of doing a good deed for another? Is she mesmerized by the blood? Does she see him as the completed work she envisions, ignoring the obvious physical mess she is creating? Is she excited by controlling him, showing that this an act more for her than him, thus denying her protestations of innocence? When she confronts the woman in the mirror and cons her into self-mutilation, what about the pain she feels? Is she trying to keep a brave face so that the woman won’t see the cost of the act? If so, is she infuriated that the woman is doing the same thing? She sees pain in her nemesis’ eyes, but does she also see victory? Does that victory foretell that the challenge isn’t over? Can she sense that?

You character is obviously very intelligent. Her speech is refined, only going into vulgarity when she describes the horrors she has perpetrated, is she proud of what she is? When the woman thinks she is stupid, does she have concrete facts (degrees, education, money) that contradict the woman’s portrayal of her? Does she perhaps have a secret that even the woman doesn’t know? Granted the woman is her reflection, but sometimes we can hide things from even ourselves. Does that show how cunning she is?

Your character asserts that she has only taken life from those that deserved it. What is the criteria for this? How does someone earn that right? She also mentions the ones she’s left alive, but we are never told how they figure into it. Perhaps, a brief explanation would make it more clear. I don’t think you need to expand this piece a lot, just change some of the focus a bit. Part of it’s punch is the brevity.

Another thing I would watch for is the consistency. As I stated, the character is intelligent, what in her fractured mind is enabling her to ignore the fact of her reflection? How is it she is making the person in the mirror someone other than herself? She isn’t a victim of multiple personalities, more a delusion that has taken over. A sentence about how a mirror can steal a soul, or a mirror is a gateway or something that indicates that this woman does not view mirrors the way normal people do would be enough to explain why this delusion is so powerful.

I think the ending needs a bit more drama. If getting away from the woman was as simple as breaking the mirror, why didn’t she do it earlier? Why is it only now, she hits upon that solution? I think the ending needs to be a bit more malevolent, more gruesome to really feel satisfying. Perhaps, you could have her end planning on hammering the nail into her nemesis, but in order to effectuate that, she would have to hammer it into herself. Something like that. You don’t have to actually go into the scene, in fact, I wouldn’t, but lead us there. Have us cringing, because we know she is crazy enough to actually do it. If you don’t want her to do it to herself, you could have her commit a crime while in view of the mirror, thus making her tormenter complicit in the act. That would be another way to silence the voice of morality. How could the woman in the mirror be so high and mighty, if she too had committed those atrocities?

This is a great story. I think it could really make people shudder and shake, thinking about it for days after they read it. It has the psychological angle that modern horror enjoys, thus making it something that would really appeal to a large number of people. I think it could definitely be published.

Thanks for the read,

Nighala

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Review of Sometimes  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
I really liked this piece. I can completely relate to the strange subconscious precognition you may have experienced here. It’s interesting how we sometimes pick up on things that we can’t explain away. From personal experience, the sensation is unsettling and quite often we are not happy when we figure out why we experienced it in the first place.

Technically, I only found one major error in the piece.

"The man was really breathing hard now and Jon pulled a five-dollar bill out of his pocket and

I don’t think you meant for that quotation mark to be there.

I also noted that in some places your construction was bit confusing, forcing me to go back and reread to make sense of the sentence. As an example:

Granted, many things in our lives had changed since Jon had gotten the job with the Small Business Administration and these alone could account for it.

Upon a second reading it made perfect sense, but my first reading had me wondering what the these referred to. You might want to go through and look at your complex constructions, looking for possible points of confusion.

However, you are very good at keeping your paragraphs tight, thus allowing the story to flow along nicely for the reader.

When you talk about going to Galveston, the story dragged a little. You might consider shortening that description in favor of allowing the tale to continue to unfold. We don’t really gain a lot of knowledge about you or the other participants in that section, other than a reiteration that your discontent isn’t going to go away by any of the usual means.

Also, I found a slight disconnect between your discontent and the rest of the story. It sort of stands out, somewhat adrift in the real the meaning of your story. I think if you related it to nature in some way, it would help the piece feel slightly more cohesive. Perhaps making an allusion to the feeling being like a bright and sunny day, however, one hears the distinctive rumble of thunder. You can’t see what caused the sound, but it is ominous and foreboding, nonetheless. By relating your emotional state to nature, it would make your conversation with your husband and the old man all seem to gel.

I love what transpired between you, your husband and the old man. I think it was well done, and you really captured the way the old man talked. I also liked the subtle ways you described him, giving us enough detail to get an image of him in our mind’s eye, but not overdoing it. Also, you didn’t overload the reader with a bunch of reaction to the man’s joining you, but let your actions and words speak for what was going on. It gave the scene a very real quality that resonated with me.

I also like your ending. I felt it gave the piece a sense of foreboding without overdoing it. It made us feel the sense of loss you felt, but couldn’t explain. With the knowledge that you husband would die later, it added to the pathos of the moment. I would suggest that you might want to include that information in the piece itself. I think it would help bring the entire thing full circle. Especially, considering the old man’s advice. It would make it all the more poignant.

I really enjoyed reading this. Like a lot of people, I wish I couldn’t relate to it as much as I do.

Thanks for the read,

Nighala

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Rated: ASR | (4.0)
I like this poem. Everyone can relate to it. We all know what it feels like when we’ve been betrayed or hurt and we want to hold on to it with every fiber of our being. It’s as if when we lose the anger and resentment, we will lose a piece of ourselves. Or somehow by not feeling the rage, it will diminish the harm that was done to us. This poem is a nice way of looking at that and seeing it for the unreasonable sensation that it is.

Technically, I noticed a few things, see below.

Yet, I know if I want to be really free;

So, today I awoke with a determination,

In my old age, I can smile and say

While I really enjoyed the sentiment of the poem, I found a couple of lines felt awkward or forced.

Sometimes that’s easier said than done –
When you really truly hate someone..

I think the above will be a little clearer to the reader and flow a bit better. When I read it, I had the feeling that something was missing.

Well, maybe not someone, but what they did;
I've kept it all inside and; all my anger hid.

The and in this sentence broke it for me. I think it would be better if you made the two clauses distinct, thus really emphasizing how your emotions were bottled up.

In my old age I can smile and say
"That's nice, have a good day!"

This ending didn’t really seem to fit with the rest of the poem. Perhaps they go could go on their way, or that the narrator is okay. But the have a good day seemed to be something that was there to make the rhyme and didn’t really add anything to the poem. For me it was a detractor.

I like this poem. It reiterates something I fight with every day. It hit a chord with me.

Thanks for the read,

Nighala

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Review of Treasure Hunt  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
I feel sort of silly for only reviewing this activity now, after having already participated. I should have reviewed it last week.

I had a lot of fun completing this. It was a unique challenge to go through the site, looking for the key words. I like this twist on a scavenger hunt. I also appreciate how it brings different stories into to focus. The things you find when looking for the words, are not always the things you would normally find when scanning the site for something to read.

My only concern with it is that it is really limited to three participants. Since people can come back and edit their posts, the first three people who post, regardless of when they actually finish the search are most likely the ones who will win. I can’t really see a way of fixing this, but I can see how it might put some people off who would otherwise join in.

Me, however, I hope to participate again. It was fun and broadened my Writing.com horizons.

Thanks,

Nighala

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Review of A Midnight Stroll  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
The ending of your story is so perfect. I debated between a rating of 4.5 and 5.0 for quite a while. I opted for the 4.5 because I think there are a couple of things needed to make this absolutely perfect, however, as it stands, this story is practically there. I love how you brought out so much of the night and of Malcolm. I also like the mystery you inserted into the story, the reader being lulled into a false sense of security, then presented with the fantastic, and then it so sweetly coming together. It suited the ambiance of the piece beautifully.

Technically, I didn’t find anything that jumped out at me, except for the following line,

The tobacco soothed him and he filled his lungs with it.

Malcolm is smoking a pipe, and I was under the impression that like cigars, pipe smokers do not inhale, but rather hold the smoke in their mouth, tasting and savoring it. This detail bothered me because it didn’t ring true for me. I may be mistaken, but it might work better if you had him savor the woodsy, spicy, etc. taste of the pipe while he sat in contemplation.

You have a wonderful way with description. I especially liked the vivid details you presented in the opening paragraph. However, as I read on, the descriptions got a bit heavy, a bit too flowery for me. I would consider a little cutting of some of them, or tightening them up. Perhaps having a couple of shorter sentences to counter balance the longer ones. Please do not misunderstand, I am not advocating a ruthless edit here, but a gentle one that keeps the action going without bogging it down in the descriptions. I would especially focus on his walk. Having him reach the fountain a little more quickly, thus not losing the reader’s attention.

However, when you present the scene with phantom (if you will) of his wife calling him, you do a terrific job of bringing everything to life. I would strongly suggest that you not do anything to that at all, but leave it to shine. By perhaps cutting down on some of the details in the beginning, it would make the mesmerizing nature of the encounter stand out all the more.

Also, I would considering adding a couple of sentences about why Malcolm has sought refuge outside this night. Why is he particularly aware of his wife’s unconscious call for him? What about tonight has set the scene for this event to happen. Again, nothing too big, just a couple of hints, helping to bring out the relationship he has with his wife.

This is an amazing story. I hope that you submit it for publication, it is definitely worthy of it.

Thanks,

Nighala

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
13
13
Review of Open and True  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
I really enjoyed this poem. I like how you captured the simple emotions of waiting for a review so well. It made me think of my own experiences, as writer and reviewer. There was a soft feeling to the entire piece which seemed to give it a tranquil persona.

I applaud you for a tight rhyme scheme. It carried the poem nicely without feeling forced in any way. The only thing I wonder about is your use of the word "mean," in the fourth line of the first stanza. This may be a personal thing, but I don't consider it "mean" when a reviewer gives me suggestions on improvement. Some reviewers are actually hurtful, but for the most part, suggestions are just that, suggestions. I am unsure what other word might work, but that was the only part of the poem that really jarred me out of the reverie I enjoyed.

A nice comment on feedback.

Thanks for the read,

Nighala
14
14
Review of No Christmas  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Been there, done that, didn’t get the blasted t-shirt. *Laugh* Everyone can relate to Maggie and her feelings. What person, at one time or another, hasn’t wished their entire family would just *poof* - vanish. I think the universality of Maggie’s frustration really makes this an engaging piece to read. As a reader, we know this girl’s plight, we feel for her.

Grammatically, this piece is well written. Nothing jumped off the page at me as needing correction.

Since, everyone can relate to Maggie, you could tone down her angst. The second paragraph where she bemoans her status could be abbreviated. It felt a little too whiny. I would keep the examples of why she is overlooked, but other than one sentence, let it go. We got it.

I wish we never had a time where everybody got together. I hear enough of these stories over the phone when I can off, but here I cannot escape.
I found the second sentence to be very confusing.

Also, I find Maggie’s initial comment about how everyone was going to love a white Christmas, out of kilter with her bitterness towards everyone. Perhaps if she groans when the snow shows up, despite the fact that she is really excited too. It would help to show how conflicted she is.

When she wishes on the snow globe, I think it would help if we had a little history about the object. Show us here that it is potentially magical, (leave it out of her mother’s chiding, it didn’t ring right). This would be a time where a lot of description would really help. What does the globe depict, what does it remind Maggie of, are there any strange family stories about it? All of these things would give a bit of foreshadowing, while also entertaining us with a unique tradition in Maggie’s life.

After her wish comes true, I felt the story became too rushed. Wouldn’t she enjoy her good fortune for a bit? Perhaps spend the day doing the things she wanted to do, getting her parents’ attention, etc. But as the day progresses, she feels the emptiness of not having that family. What fun is a snow ball fight if you only have your brother to throw at, how about Aunt so-and-so’s famous Christmas pie, or Cousin whosit’s ability to make everyone laugh after dinner. Having her go through the revelation, rather than just having her realize it, would make the story a lot more powerful. It would also increase the desperation she feels when she tries to make undo the damage she’s done.

I would look at your dialogue again. Maggie’s conversation is good, but I found her mother a little too formal. Read it out with someone and see if you can make it a bit more natural. As an example, when the globe shatters “Maggie, what happ – oh, no! Not Nana’s globe! Maggie, how could you? It’s been in our family for years.” Something that really captures the moment.

When Maggie gets her second wish, relish it. Have her look forward to the coming day, maybe even go and help bring out the decorations. All of this will add to the warm fuzzies the reader feels. Show how Maggie’s experience has changed her and brought her to be one of her big family. Standing out is good, but what’s it worth if you don’t belong to something?

I really like this story, and hope you will revise it. I think with a little work, this is something that could most definitely be published.

Thanks for the read,

Nighala
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15
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
This is a really sweet poem. I like how you describe the kisses we tend to overlook as we go through our lives. I also liked how the flow of the poem made me really focus on your descriptions. I think you did a good job of brining snippets of life together in just a few words.

However, I found your stanza about new kisses not to really fit with the flow of the entire poem. It jumps out, granted as a comparison to the kisses we tend to forget, but doesn't really seem to fit with the story I saw emerge in the poem. Perhaps I missed the point, but I think the poem might be stronger if you replaced the stanza with one that continued the theme of the kisses we ignore in our daily life.

Thanks for the read,

Nighala
16
16
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
This is a well-thought out, engaging story. I especially enjoyed the ending. Her taking control of the situation, her being the one to do the convincing. I also liked the fact that you tackled a story which most people would be unfamiliar with. Realizing that this is a purely created myth, I applaud you heartily for making it come to life for the reader.

I noticed quite a few comma errors, leading to some very confusing sentences. Other than that, grammar was quite good. A line by line read, looking for natural pauses, should clear that up very easily. I didn't see any spelling issues. One line really jumped out at me as needing work though:

she leaping up with a snarl and grasping her ax

You could use "she leaped up..." or "leaping up..." Either would make the sentence more readable and easier to understand. I also think that you should look at the language you use in the piece. This is a created myth, yet it is written in modern 20th century language. For me, this was disconcerting. I am not advocating that you write this in Old English, but perhaps make the language a bit more formal, thus making it seem consistent with the type of story it is. I would also try to avoid modern idioms at the very least. Give the story a somewhat majestic feel.

Sakhmet is a fascinating character. As a goddess, I was unfamiliar with her. Coming from that perspective, I would have liked to have learned a bit more about her story. Does she have a creation myth? In the hierarchy, where does she fit? I would have also liked a detailed description of her. You give the reader bits and pieces of her appearance, but we are never really given an image of her. I take it she is anthropomorphic, but what is your/her take on her features? The lion she let go, how does she resemble him? Is it facially, coloring, instinct? Also, she appears to only experience the world through sight and hearing. If she is a feral goddess, smell would play a big part in her existence. Bringing this neglected sense into your story would bring the desert alive for the reader. It would also reinforce her huntress abilities. Unlike Diana, Sakhmet has the animal qualities of a lion and thus she can be a much more deadly huntress. Explore that side of her, separate her from the more traditional Greek and Roman myth. She is wonderfully different.

Also, I think you need to bring out her own motivations more. You could not focus so much on the dreaming, but on her and why she is the way she is. Why does love the hunt? What about it is rewarding to her? Why does toying with her kill leave her more satisfied? Does she ever identify with the beasts she slays, or is she always sure of her superiority? Why does she bring war? Is it to better the race, or is she naturally destructive, only bringing chaos for the purpose of bringing chaos? I felt a lot of distance from her. I never really felt I knew who she was, or why she was doing the things she was doing. I think if you explored her more through her normal behavior, it would heighten her reaction to the surreal experiences she is having on this trip. The reader would be able to say, "Okay, she's like this, and now she has to face this, wow, that must be strange!"

Also, I found it somewhat ironic that a fierce battle goddess would be so modest (the scene where he presents the necklace). She is a lean, mean, fighting machine, why worry about being seen in the buff? She could take down anyone who would dare dishonor her in such a way. Again, showing us why this contradiction exists would be a good way of showing why she allows herself to fall in love in the end.

I think it would also be good to throw in at least one back story about her previous suitors. Perhaps the one of the rejected gifts reminds her of an attempt which occurred before. This would create more tension about whether she will accept any future advances.

I like the fact that you keep Ptah in the background. A wonderful companion piece would be his side of the story, complete with history and why he thinks himself so ugly. You might explore that a bit more in this story, by having her reaction to him explain either why she does not think him ugly, or why she can see past his appearance to the golden light within.

You might consider writing this in first person to keep the exploration of what is going on in her head, but you might also consider pulling yourself a bit farther away from the characters and allowing their actions to tell the story more than their internal thoughts.

I enjoyed your story very much and am hopeful that you will revise it.

Thanks for the read,

Nighala
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Review of Over the Rainbow  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is an incredibly moving piece. It brings to light all the hidden demons we have inside us. How we can cage ourselves up and not let anyone in. Not even the people who could save us. It also shows how easy it is to harm others without really thinking about. And how that harm can last a lifetime.

I love the numbness of the story. You really feel Kayt's feelings of being outside of the ordinary world. In some ways, the tone of the piece really makes you feel her isolation.

While I think you do a great job of conveying Kayt's mental and emotional state, I feel that the story is a bit too numb. I think that if you made it a bit more dynamic, it would come to life for the reader. Also, there would be a stark contrast to Kayt's normal emotional state.

A few examples where you could make the piece more dynamic would be the scene where the neighbor finds Kayt and her mother. Actually having the scene play out and contrasting everyone's activity with her stillness would really hammer home her closed off mentality.

Another place would be on the rock. The ocean is an incredibly vibrant thing, as is a rain storm. Both are full of action and movement, whereas Kayt is stilted. By having her feel at home in the chaos, it would foreshadow the awakening she will go through later in the story and also show how much she desires to be a part of the world which surrounds her.

Kayt's belief that her mother hated her really motivates her and she repeatedly reminds the reader of this conviction. But, I think it would make her more well-rounded if the reader saw the out-growth of her feelings of unimportance. Is she a poor student? Does she purposely make herself look worse than she has to? If singled out, does she find an escape route? If paid a compliment, does she counter with self-depracation. Instead of telling the reader how much her mother hated her, showing the logical manifestations of that feeling would do the same thing and make Kayt come alive for the reader. We all know someone who seems at odds with their own individuality. If they could slide into a wall, they would. Kayt sounds like just this person.

I also think you that you need to bring in a lot more description. Where did Kayt live before moving in with her Aunt? What was it like there? What does the small town she lives look like? It's by the ocean, what does it smell like? What are the locals like? Is it harder to fade away in the town, or easier because she is a stranger. By my count, she should be seventeen when she meets Dave, what is school like, does she have any ambitions, or is she refusing to think about it because why should someone like her have a future?

Also, what does her Aunt look like? How does she act? Is she an artist like Kayt's Mom, eccentric? Is she down-to-earth, or flighty? Does she show Kayt a lot of love and affection or treat her with kid gloves? She appears to be trying to bring Kayt out of her prison, why isn't it working? Why is it only Dave who can do it (other than because this is a love story *Smile*)? What's her flat like? You talk about a tin roof in the flat, is this an apartment? If so, a tin roof should be quite unique.

Dave's character is good, but he felt a little one dimensional for me. He is all goodness and light, there wasn't anything really quirky about him that made him an individual. Kayt says he's really good on his guitar, who does he idolize? What kind of music does he play? Why do his parents fight? What does Kayt see when she looks into his soul-searching eyes? Do they go to the same school? Is he older? When he spends all that time at her house, what does she enjoy the most about his company, even if she won't admit it to herself?

I think this is an excellent character study of Kayt with a very moving plot line that carries the reader into the world that she has made for herself. I like the love story and the sincerity that rings through it. As the piece stands, it's wonderful. I think with a few additions, it could become excellent and definitely publishable. I hope you do submit it (if you haven't already).

Thanks,

Nighala
18
18
Review of The Secret  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
This is a very intriguing idea for a story. It definitely starts with a bang, being in the middle of an earthquake that only you can feel and trying to warn everyone that something so horrible is going on, while they remain oblivious.

Technically, this seems pretty solid. I did notice a continuity issue:

In terror and confusion, Lexi passed out, a drop of sweat running down her forehead. The drop tickled and she wiped it away with her hand, it wasn’t wet, but a small, hard object that managed to get away.

How can Lexi wipe something away if she is passed out?

While this has a very Cassandra of Troy feel about it, I think you need to do a lot more to really bring this story to life.

You first sentence is great. But it would really help to put Lexi in context as she begins staggering into the kitchen. What was she doing when the first rumble was felt? Had she felt this before, but only smaller? Where was she in the house? Why does she go into the kitchen? Also, what did the rumble feel like? Did it feel like a giant rolling over in it's sleep, or did it feel like you were on an amusement park ride where the ground rattles? When she is in the kitchen, is she grabbing anything to support herself as her mother calmly folds clothes?

As you go into this scene it would be really good to use very active words while talking about Lexi and then swtich to passive to describe her mother. That would help show the stark contrast in what is happening to the two people as Lexi endures the earthquake. Also, she is surrounded by a house that is falling apart, in a room that is full of projectiles, does she get hurt, does she feel things flying past her, or can she feel the crunch of broken glass on the floor?

After she wakes up in her room, and the earthquake is over, what does the house look like as she goes back to the kitchen? Is she in so much of a rush, she doesn't notice? How does she feel? Is she drained, worried, scared? What does the world smell like? In an earthquake you would have fires, gas lines breaking, that smell of electricity? Can Lexi smell any of this?

If you are truly trying to create the impression that somehow Lexi's reality is different from that of everyone else's, it might help the scene where she asks her Mother about the earthquake if Lexi starts picking things up and showing them as broken. What does her Mother see, how is it different from what Lexi sees? However, I think it might help your story if the kitchen were pristine when Lexi wakes up. No damage whatsoever. Perhaps a slight smell of something, or something that tumbled off a counter, but nothing big that would tell Lexi what she had experience was real. You could then rework the conversation with her Mother so that while her Mother is worried, Lexi still has the appearence of sanity. Perhaps a visit to a doctor is decided upon.

As the story stands, when Lexi goes to the computer, the reader has the impression that in every other part of the house, everything is normal. Otherwise, in a quake, the computer should have fallen from it's place or had other things fall on it. However, she is able to log on with no difficulties.

The Google search also felt a little off. The topic of feeling a quake no one else can feel isn't something that wouldn't exactly lend itself to a search. What key words did Lexi use? What went through her mind as she sat at the keyboard and tried to figure out what had happened to her? I like having the information there, but I think it would make it more realistic if Lexi had to work for it a bit more.

I still think this is a great concept for a story, and I look forward to seeing you handle the rest of it.

Thanks,

Nighala
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19
Review of The Cave  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
This poem shows so much creativity. It's a perfect example of Bat thinking. I'm sure that Bruce Wayne is kicking himself for not thinking of it himself.

I liked the flow and must applaud you for having the poem flow very nicely. Some of the words you chose would make for a difficult rhyme, but you were able to hang in there and nothing feels forced or overdone.

Definitely brought a smile to my lips. My only question is, how does Alfred feel about bringing you your evening cup of tea?

Thanks,

Nighala
20
20
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This is a poem filled with anger and at times becomes more of a rant than a call to action, which I think is what you intended it to be.

Some of your imagery is incredible. You weave the tapestry well, going from one image to the next bringing to life what you feel and where it comes from.

However, I think that you let the form get the better of you. While this is free form, it's a little too free. The poem feels as if it has no order, and thus no purpose. But I think you do have a purpose, I think this is a call to attention. As such, I think it might help if you considered breaking the poem down into concrete stanzas. Or if not that, then grouping the images into a more cohesive flow. Instead of jumping from one to the next, have each point made in each grouping.

It might also help if you went back over for typos and punctuation. You seemed to have decided somewhere in the poem to dispense with punctuation. This is a valid stylistic choice, but be careful, when you do that, you have to work extra hard to make sure the reader gets the emphasis you're trying to put. You can do this either with line breaks, or by making certain words really stand out in the line (heavily emotional words, things like that).

I also think this poem is a little too long for its subject matter. If you were to shorten it, and really shine a laser on what you are trying to communicate, I think the piece would come out the better for it.

Again, some of your imagery is amazing, and it's a shame that it gets overshadowed by the rest of the poem. This could definitely become something that motivates and inspires people to think.

Thanks,

Nighala
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21
Review of Stone Mason  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
This piece has a nice rugged feel that fits well with the character it is describing. It is a nice character study of a man who makes his own way in the world by his own rules and for his own purpose.

Technically, I think you need to go over it closely and look at your grammar. Punctuation would be something to really concentrate on. There are quite a few places where you could really do with some commas and semicolons. I would also double-check your word choice. An example:

Well, he would make sure they found the later [latter] with out ever seeing the first.

Also, the piece doesn't really feel cohesive. It hops from country speak to standard English without really picking a tone and sticking with it. You appear to have a good handle on the country tone, so going with either would work. It's a style choice, but I think the piece would feel more pulled-together if the tone were the same throughout.

I also noticed that you told the reader the same things a lot. A small example follows:

Stone had grown up moving huge pieces of stone while helping his father in his work. Mason had grown into the strength required to move these stones.

I'm not sure how this piece was written, but there are quite a few times where you refer to Stone and Mason as two different people. I don't think that was your intention. I would go back through this and look for anything redundant and cut it. Then go back and see if there are any holes you need to fill in. The problem, now, is that these redundancies slow the piece down and make the reader feel like they've been there before.

Also, I would try to incorporate your description more with the action of the story. You have quite a few paragraphs just describing Stone. That's fine, but I think it would do a lot more if you showed us his physicality while he is doing something, perhaps while he is laying the traps for the bounty hunters. This is an action piece, and to have his description come out while also showing us a bit about his character I think would make better use of the words. It would also allow you to be more active in your word choice, to make your descriptions come to life more.

Your segue into the fight in the bar felt a bit clumsy. The story is progressing along one tack, and then suddenly we're in what we think is a flashback only to find out it's the conclusion of the story. It might be better if you let us know that we are going into the flashback by telling the reader that the bounty hunters remind Stone of the bullies he bested, or he is using a trick that the Chinese man taught him out of gratitude for helping to save him. That way the leap into memory would feel a little more natural, and would also make the conclusion a bit more satisfying.

I found the dialogue between the bounty hunters to be a little flat. I think if you pumped it up with some tags it would be helpful. Give us an idea of these men following Stone, are they tall, short, do they resemble the bullies he bested? The one with education, does he dress the part, or is he a hill man who made good? Are these guys a couple days shy of a good meal, or over-fed? Your dialogue in the fight scene is much better, however, I would be careful about the redundancies. Tempers are flaring, people are ready to pummel each other, they probably would keep words to a minimum unless they were taunting each other. There, being concise and clipped would be helpful. It might also work if you told us where the bar was. From the way the bullies talk, it appears to be a Southern place, but where are they? Are the bullies sailors as well, or are they townies? Are they young, old, white, native, etc.? The Chinese man, is he a sailor, or is he business man? You don't set a time period for this story, but it feels a bit like it is in the past. You might want to time stamp it for the reader so we know what context we're talking about. There is a difference between the people of 1860 and 1960.

I think this could be a really good piece. It has all the raw materials, but needs a lot of polishing.

Thanks,

Nighala
22
22
Review of Knights' Fall  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
You cover a lot of ground in this story. It definitely has the feel of a great fantasy story, almost in the vein of Tolkien or Robert E. Howard. All the elements are there, ancient races, big battles, wise-cracking small people.

On a technical level, I found a lot of typos. A line by line read should fix that with no problem. For the most part grammar was good. My main problem was that language wasn't consistent. You have the character of Kargon speaking very informally, I think to show his gruff demeanor. However, it comes across as out of place. Everytime he speaks I feel as if I'm being dragged back into the present and out of your story. I think if you changed his language, making it formal, but perhaps, clipped, you would get the gruffness without sacrificing the authenticity.

I had a real problem in the beginning. I'm not sure if this is part of a larger work, or a stand-alone. Either way, you need to fill the reader in on the rules of your world. We come into the story feeling as if we are observing a game where we don't know what the object is or how to achieve it. Take your two main characters, Jamien and Kargon. Until Stalker appears, we don't even know that Jamien is female. This is very disconcerting as her name doesn't have a linguistic clue. To tell us that she was feminine earlier, perhaps when she speaks first would be very helpful.

I also found the character of Stalker to be very flat. That may have been the purpose, but it might be helpful if the other characters remark on how atypical he is. How odd his manner and speech is.

Kargon's army just running across them the way they did didn't really seem to work. It might be an improvement if the two travelers were there to meet the army or someone else for any kind of reason. We never really found out why Jamien and Kargon werer there. Were they on their way somewhere? Were they seeking it out because Kargon knew a place that served really good ale? Maybe Jamien was in search of a wise person who had settled in the region? Any of these reasons would make their being in that particular spot at that particular time feel more natural.

You spend a lot of time on exposition, which is very important, there is a lot of history to cover. The problem is, it weighs the story down by incorporating it within the context of the dialogue. Because you have so much to cover, it might work better to have a vignette at the beginning that gives the reader a crash course in the events leading up to this particular altercation. It is a huge battle of cosmic consequences, a little pomp and circumstance certainly wouldn't hurt. You could easily encapsulate it within a scene describing the ceremony that made them changeless. You could also easily explain the dire consequences in this vignette, while showing a mirror for the later arrogance of Argon.

While the destructive force of hate is the theme of this story, I found Jamien's speech on the subject a little too after-school-special. That might be something that would be better work into the piece through a combination of dialogue and action. Perhaps have a debat ensue between Kargon and Jamien, which would illuminate the entire thing. Argon could still be used as the extremist point of view.

I would also take more advantage of your battle scene. It's over far too quickly. Here you have a group of beings who have a 50/50 shot of beating these immortals, build up tension, bring it down. Have the immortals look like they're going to win for a bit, but then because their armor isn't up to snuff, they lose. By making the scene have vitality and pathos, the whole story will have more weight. It would also seem a bit more realistic, you have soliders who are the best at what they do. Their lack of teamwork and slightly sub-standard weapons is their only flaw. While big, they still have a fighting chance. This would also be a wonderful way of bringing Kargon and Jamien out as individuals. What do their unique battle styles say about them? How do they fight? What do they see on the battlefield? What is their first priority other than protecting each other and killing the enemy? These little details tell a lot about the character. You can show all this while still keeping the distance in your narration.

I think this story has great potential.

Thanks,

Nighala
23
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Review of Siren's Song  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This has all the hallmarks of the classic hitch-hiker story. Obviously with a sea side twist. I love all the details you throw in bringing the place to life. I wish you could try to incorporate smell a little more, the sea being something one feels and smells.

The whole story pulls its nice circle and fits well, but it's not your best work. It is highly enjoyable, and really does play well on an old genre, however, it doesn't have the emotional intesnsity I would have expected. For some reason, your narrator feels to distant from what he is describing. Perhaps if you went from first person to third it would work better. But as it is, I never really felt his desperation. Also, I think the scene on the cliff with the young woman should be more fleshed out. Too much happens far too quickly. At the end the reader is left wondering if it happened at all. That may be what you want, but perhaps a slight nudge that it's all a dream would be helpful.

The big question the reader is left with is: did the narrator actually have a lover or was it all in his head? If the latter, we need to be given more than the church and priest vanishing. At that point, he should come out of the fog. But when the siren begins singing again, he remembers his time with his love, is that her, or is it someone else? These questions are a little too troubling and really interfere with the suspension of disbelief. The reader is ready to go along with you, but then the mounting doubts begin to errode that willingness.

The story of the old priest is lovely. It has that "a-ha" quality about it. And his vanishing along with the church add to the formula we all know so well. I like how it led into the eventual suicide.

Thanks,

Nighala
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Review of Under the Bed  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a lovely poem that really captures what it means to be afraid of what we don't know. The classic problem, we all know that there are things lurking in the dark that can get us, we just don't like admitting to them.

Unlike most of the other commentators, I was never one to be fearful of what was under my bed (unfortunately, I was required to keep it clean as whistle, any monster would have had to endure vaccuuming and Lysol if it wished to survive). However, snakes outside at night, scare the pants off me. So when I go out for my evening contemplation, I always makes sure to stand in a bright pool of light, that way the little slitherers can't get me, right?

There's only part of the this poem that jarred me, and it may be a stylistic issue, but in the verse:

But the fear of night-scares
keep me awake.

The present tense sort of jolted me out of the poem for a minute. I'm not sure why I was expecting past tense, but I think it might flow better if it were "kept me awake." Especially since the second stanza focuses on the present fears of a grown-up. It would give the poem a nice symmetry, the first stanza being the child, the second being the adult, how the fear never really goes away, no matter how much someone tells you it's all in your head.

Still, keep those fingers and toes nice and bundled, you never know what you'll find.

Thanks,

Nighala
25
25
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
This is an awesome piece. I love how you captured the time periods as the years passed. I also enjoyed how you developed the two girls as they grew up. One could see them turning into young women as they passed through the never-changing doors of The Maple.

I like all the symmetry in the piece. It gave it a very satisfying feeling. The reader's unanswered questions fit within the scheme and feel as if they should remain unanswered.

My only problem with the piece is that Casey's development doesn't appear to be consistent. In the last segment, she appears to have outgrown even her childish fears of the bathroom, but when it comes time for her to face them, she reverts back to the little girl we saw in the beginning. If this is indeed what happened, that's great, but I would have liked to have seen more of it in her face. When Liz tells her no, to have seen her face fall and the panicked-terror in her eyes. That is something Liz would have seen, but rationalized away.

However, my issue is small, and I think the piece is very publishable. I hope that you submit it.

Thanks,

Nighala
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