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353 Total Reviews Given
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1
Review of Blossoms Maligned  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, it's Nicolina here. I found your piece and thought I'd review. Please remember that everything I say is my own opinion and not meant to be a personal attack or pressure on you to change things! *Smile*

Favs
My favourite part was Tom's instinct to reassure Sarah. It's so protective and 'grown-up'. *Smile* I also liked your flashback to when they were nine. It's so appropriately child-like, yet your point comes across clearly.

Your choice to end the piece where you have is appropriately ominious and leaves the reader wanting more, which is always good for a writer!

My suggestions

I liked the sweet + romantic build up to the kiss, but the kiss itself was a bit awkward for me. Normally, first kisses are hesitant and rather brief because both parties are uncertain. Especially at this particular age of your characters. But I do understand that you want that romanticity about it. Maybe you could solve that by doing a brief kiss, followed by a second, longer and more confident one?

She made it down to 'Roberts' when the first volley of shots was heard from somewhere down the hall.
You might want to consider clarifying what 'the first volley of shots' was. Although I did understand after a moment, initially I thought I'd missed an earlier clue or something.

Twenty-three students wasted no time
By specifying that it was twenty-three students, you're setting me up to believe that there were other students who didn't dive under the desk.

I hope this review was useful to you, and good luck in getting this published!
*Star*
Nicolina
2
2
Review of Cold Torture  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Noelle,
Wow, a piece that cuts directly to the heart of many marital problems...trust. Remember that everything I write here is my own opinion and shouldn't be taken as the gospel truth! *Laugh*

Overall Impressions:
A piece with a very dark mood, about trust and betrayal. It needs some work, but it looks like it could be extremely powerful!

Favorite part
'Kelly was there for Francine, day and night, taking care of her physically and emotionally after her baby died. ' It's very telling of their relationship, and of the relationship between best friends all around the world.

Suggestions
*Star*Francine jumped too quickly to the assumption that her best friend was guilty and the caller was telling the truth. Most people would take a little longer, and go through stages of denial before accepting it as 'truth'.

*Star* Similarly, Francine also seemed to forgive Kelly too easily. generally there is more raging, and even with extreme pain like that, i don't think it would change her mind quite so fast. Especially if she still believed she had cheated with her husband.

*Star* You haven't explained who the caller was or what his motivation for calling was. It leaves a big chunk of the story out, and makes it feel unfinished.

Closing Remarks
If you can fix up the things I've mentioned in my suggestions, i think you'd have a stellar piece! I know it can be very tiring to rewrite things, but it really helps the quality of them!

Everything i've written is simply my personal opinion and I hope I haven't given offense. Keep on writing,
Nicolina
3
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Review of Kal's Fury  Open in new Window.
for entry "Part 1Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hey Dalyon,
I'm Nicolina and I noticed that you were looking for reviews for this piece. Please remember that all of what is said below is my personal opinion and I'm no expert writer, so you should feel free to discard whatever you don't agree with and use whatever you do. *Smile*

You've definitely managed to master the hook introduction of a story. Your first line immediately caught my attention and had me hooked on it. You've kept the pace quick enough to keep me interested, but slow enough that I can follow what is happening. I also liked how you slipped in hints that this is set in the future without coming right out and saying 'we're seven thousand years AD'.

I like your plot-line with Kal changing sides from illegal to legal first as a front and then for real. However, you're not really making me 'feel' for Kal. I can understand that Kal really cares for his son, but there's nothing to make ME care for his son. It would be much more effective if you could make ME care, maybe through Kal's memories or something?

I was a little taken aback when Kal killed his former rival, because you seemed to be setting him up as a reformed character. While I know that he is distraught over the loss of his son, it still seemed a little out of character for someone who was so calm. Maybe show some more anger in his thoughts and actions, as though he's reining in his temper. Maybe have Thymus say something that tips him over the edge? Otherwise it just seems cold hearted, which isn't what you want your reader to feel.

Again, this is just my opinion so feel free to discard it if you don't agree. I hope this review has been helpful!

Keep on writing,
Nicolina
4
4
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hey,
I'm Nicolina here and I'd like to review your story today. Remember, everything I say is simply my opinion and so you can discard whatever you don't agree with and use whatever helps you. Also keep in mind that I've haven't seen the Wizard of Oz in many many years, so my memory may not be perfect.

Summary: This is another version of the Wizard of Oz, where the character of Dorothy has been replaced by a male protagonist.

General Feelings:
This piece shows a lot of promise as an interesting twist on the movie, but needs some work on characterization and setting.

Favorite part:
'There are moments that the board of one’s life seems to come in complete focus. All the decisions, agreements and promises of the past, present and future appear as colorful pegs in the timeline. For a brief moment it all makes sense. Of course, as finite beings, the knowledge fades like a dream in the early morning. But there is a residue left. These moments are gifts. They provide a general sense of direction, hope and motivation.'


Suggestions
The beginning, while I can see that you wanted to establish the connection to the Wizard of Oz immedietly, is a little too abrupt. I'm thrown into the story (like the hurricane) very quickly and without really understanding what is going on. You might want to tell us who the protagonist is, when this is set etc. to help us get our mind around it first. This will also help deal with the setting issue.

I don't really 'feel' for the protagonist. I'm lacking the connection that is needed to keep my attention. You're not really 'showing' me any emotions, but recounting them to me. Some more 'showing' and less 'telling' would be great!

Your protagonist is always being called 'baby boy'...is there a reason for this? I can't remember if it is part of the movie, but for some reason it just rubs me the wrong way. It sounds very demeaning, especially coming from the 'nice witch'.

I hope this review has come in handy, and keep in mind that theis is just my opinion and you are in no way obligated to agree with it or follow my suggestions.

Keep on writing,
Nicolina
5
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Review of Mind Dance  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi,
It's Nicolina and I'd love to review your poem today. Everything I write below is my own opinion and you can use what you want to and discard whatever you don't want to.

I have to admit that I'm not particularly fond of this style. The triple-rhyme seems a little over-the-top if you take my meaning, but you seemed to have done it well all the same. I'm VERY impressed that you manage to write it, I struggle to rhyme even just the final word of the lines.

I like the enjambment (one line running onto the next), it gives it a very flowy feeling. My favorite image is of the dove and hatchling while my favorite line is the last one 'surrendered to time and truth.'.

However at times your meaning is hard to decipher, so if you have the time you might want to go back and see if you can clarify it. I understand that the rhyming scheme you have limits your word choice, but the way it is now it can be quite difficult to understand. Just my opinion though.

I hope this review was helpful! Keep on writing!
Nicolina
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Title:
 Connor and I: Chapter 1 Open in new Window. (13+)
Zoey moves into Oakville, not at all happy with how it starts off
#1369688 by ~*~Noelle Sapphire~*~ Author IconMail Icon


Chapter: 1

Author: ~*~Noelle Sapphire~*~ Author IconMail Icon

Plot: We are introduced to Carson who is constantly being moved from city to city and town to town because her mother, Deb, keeps running from the men who she dates and who keep leaving her.

Style & Voice: There wasn’t any action here, but as a chapter to set the scene and introduce us to characters you did well. Maybe you can find a hook to catch our attention a little more though. Maybe she sees something through the window that is interesting or another character?

Scene/Setting: We know quite a bit about the house and the location where she is now, so we’re well oriented for future chapters.

Characters: You’ve shown us quite a bit about both characters here.

Grammar: There are several instances of incomplete sentances that you need to look at, and an overuse of adverbs at times but other than that I didn’t really see anything. I’ve marked below what I think you should take a look at. *Smile*

Just My Personal Opinion: This is interesting and I like that you’ve set it in first person, which will allow us to get deeper inside your character’s head. I’m interested in seeing where you go with this. Just keep in mind the overuse of adverbs (which I admit that I’m entirely guilty of myself, so I know what it’s like!), and you’ll do well!

*~*~*


My comments will be red
My suggestions will be in blue
Repeating words will be underlined and in bold

*~*~*


Don't worry honey; you're going to absolutely love this new place! Good, you’ve already set the tone here with the impression of a patronizing speaker.

Those words ran through my mind as I grudgingly Do you really need this adverb? I think we get the message with just ‘tramped’ tramped up the stairs with the oversized cardboard box in my hands. By saying ‘in my hands’, the implication is that it is relatively small, which contrast your earlier statement of ‘outsized’. I scowled, mouthing the words with distaste, rolling my eyes. Every year, those same words are repeated over and over again. Every year, those words become a lie.

I absolutely do NOT love our new place. Our old place was better, well as good as a house could get in six months. Good, you’ve told us a little about your character’s life very simply and without making it obvious. It was old and rickety with a homey type of atmosphere. Made you feel welcome from the moment you stepped through the doors. Could you turn this into a proper sentence? In this new house, everything was straight, in place, modern This is a little confusing as it’s currently written. Could you rework it to make it easier to understand what you mean. as my mom called it. You felt awkward when you walked in. since she lives there, this should be in the present tense, I think. Like a fat guy eating a salad at McDonalds. Again, turn this into a full sentence please. You’re missing the first half of the sentence. My mom may love this house, but to me, it looked artificial.

I reached the top of the stairs and rounded a corner, trying to peek over my box and navigate where, exactly, Again, we don’t need this adverb. It’s cluttering up your writing, and making it weaker. Too many adverbs are not good. I was going. From what my mom told me, my room was the third door on the left. The hallway was long, and walking with a box the size of King Kong didn’t make things any easier. You’re giving us a look into her personality very quickly, which is good. I underestimated the angle, and turned too soon. I crashed into the wall like a crash-test dummy. I like literary devices too, but I think that you may be overdoing them a little; this is your second simile in four paragraphs, and you’ve used metaphors, hyperbole and other ones too. Maybe you’re trying too hard. The contents of my box went flying everywhere as I fell heavily backwards onto the floor. Again, you don’t need these adverbs and adjectives. We know what you mean without them, so they are unnecessary. Trophies scattered, books tumbled, and clothes fell in a heap at my feet.

I sighed in defeat, laying my head against the wall. I closed my eyes, blocking out the headache that was starting to form. I imagined I was still in Brampford, hanging out with the girls, and chatting about the boys. We were in the mall, sitting in our spot by the fountain. Water splashed around us Is she ‘sitting’ in the middle of the fountain? How can water splash around her? as we laughed and squealed, You’re making her sound very young here by using the word ‘squealed’ bringing up funny moments of the week. Snacking on salty French fries and sipping sugary root beer. Too many adjectives again! We don’t need them, we know what they taste like! And this sentence isn’t complete, nor is the next one. Shopping until we’d spent all of our money, and borrowed each others for shoes. I smiled and opened my eyes, only to be disappointed by the bundle of jeans that lie by my feet.

My Mom bounded up the stairs, Good, you’ve already given us a glimpse of her child-like nature red hair flying, green eyes round. "What happened?" She asked, her voice melting in concern as she saw me sitting with my head against the wall. "I heard a loud crash and assumed you broke something." Would she say that? Or would she be more likely to say ‘what did you break?’. Saying ‘assumed’ implies that she was proven wrong already. There was a slight Irish accent in her voice. I, thank goodness, did not acquire the slurred accent and stayed completely Canadian with my speech.

I tilted my head towards her, raising my eyebrows for dramatic effect. "Don't worry Deb." I said; using her real name as opposed to Mom, knowing it irritated her. "The stuff is fine. Nothing is broken, thanks for asking! I'm dying though. I think I my have lung cancer now. Your curiosity in my health just seemed to be the main topic of your concern." This is a little confusing. Didn’t Deb just ask how the stuff was? Hence saying ‘thanks for asking’ doesn’t quite fit. Move it to after the ‘I’m dying though’, and it’ll work better.

Deb's eyes crinkled as she smiled brightly down uponat me. "Yes Carson, your health and security is always my main concern. That's why we moved to Oakville!"

I turned my head away from her, frowning at what she had said. My health is not what brought us to Oakville. She knew it, and I knew it. We were here because she had another relationship mess-up with the new man she met at a bar. I think this one’s name was Nick, but I can’t be sure. can’t be sure? Or wasn’t sure? There we so many screw up kings that I just nicknamed them Dash, because they always dash for the door as soon as the relationship becomes ‘serious’.

It always happened. The guy had a few dates, had a little fun, and then skipped out on Deb, leaving her unhappy, vulnerable and most of all, embarrassed. She would devour an entire box of ice crème cream, not ‘crème’, icing and cookie dough before coming to her senses and calming down.

Deb would then buy a house in some strange new town, pack our stuff, load it into the truck and ship us off to the next town, where she would more then likely mess-up again and the process would repeat once more.

Mom was a man magnet. This switch between Mom and Deb is confusing, pick one and stick to it except in special situations.They are attracted to her, but once the pull is weak, they run away, looking for the next magnet to hold onto.

My love life is the exact opposite. Since we never manage to stay in the same town for more then six months, I don't have the time to get to know someone well enough to develop a relationship. I had been on exactly three dates in my 15-year-old life I don’t think that’s really an effective way of showing a lack of relationships. I’ve never been on a date and I’m sixteen. I know a lot of people in my school haven’t either at my age., and the toll toll is a word for required payment, so maybe use ‘count’ instead was not going up anytime soon. Deb would often comment on this, asking ask me why I wasn't out with new friends, or a nice boy. I would give her a look and tramp tramp? Or stamp? into my room, asking myself how she could even say something like that. It was her fault I was deprived of a romantic social life. She wasn’t setting a great example, running away because some Dash skipped out on her. She never even asked what I wanted, whether I wanted to move or not.

Deb bent down, picking up my various soccer trophies and a few mystery books I had kept over the years. She moved forward, gently setting them in my box, and dropped down to sit next to me, her back resting against a in this case ‘a’ should be ‘the’ because it is indicative. wall. She ran her fingers through my hair, and I looked up at her.

She was a pretty enough woman. She had fire red hair that hung straight down too her shoulders, with little streaks of blond and brown flowing through. Her emerald green eyes always held a twinkle of happiness, or a glimmer of relaxation. Her face was more characteristic then it was beautiful, yet it still held a graceful look that could charm a man into a month long relationship. Could you put this information in as little hints throughout, rather than a block of description? Most readers don’t like description, and will skip over it anyway.

"I know you miss your friends Carson," Deb started off, making the atmosphere awkward, "I miss my friends too! We just have to get through this together. It's a new start, a blank page in our book of life. You can start writing your way through it. You start school in a week. Lucky you we moved in August. It would have been strange start school in the middle of the year!"


She giggled, and straightened up, stretching as she did so. When she was in a standing position, towering over me, she offered a hand. This sentence is a little awkward. We don’t really need to know she was in a standing position and towering over her. Rewording the entire paragraph might help. I rolled my eyes, but grasped her hand and allowed her to drag me to my feet.

Deb went downstairs, leaving me to my the mess. I picked up the remaining items that were scattered on the hardwood floor, and trudged into my room. My empty, spacious, white walled room. I narrowed my eyes, grunting in disapproval we get the point, even without this. as I placed my box on the floor next to the door.

“It looks like a hospital room.” I said to myself, slowly pacing around the room. The white tiled floor was slick, gleaming as the dim light cast a warm glow. Using ‘warm’ and ‘dim’ creates comforting images, contrasting the idea of the more practical kitchen. It looked more like a kitchen then a bedroom. Who has tiles in their room? My footsteps echoed around the empty room. I couldn’t stand it. I hate big, empty spaces, and hospitals, they creep me out more than anything else in the world. Now, I’m sleeping in my own, personal hospital room. I turned on my heel, and headed for the door.

Leaving my stuff to be unpacked when my furniture was brought up, I headed downstairs to check out the rest of my new home. ‘home’ implies a level of acceptance of the house. Maybe use the word ‘house’ to show her being a little uncomfortable The first room I saw, as I stepped off the last step, was the living room. It had glossy wooden floors, bright red wallpaper and an enormous chandelier hanging in the center of the room. I rolled my eyes. “It’s too high class for us.” I thought wearily, continuing on my travels around the house. bright red wallpaper doesn’t sound high class, but tacky, to me at least.

The room across from the living room was the kitchen. It wasn’t as fancy as the living room, but with its flashy cabinets and professional looking cooking equipment, it still looked too high strung for me. high strung means nervous and easily excitable. The walls were tiled white, with a big black strip running down the middle of it, making the room look more like a 60’s style diner, rather than a kitchen. It didn’t suit my taste at all. We get it, you’ve made it quite clear she’s unhappy. This is becoming a little repetitive and obvious, so it’s harder to read. This house was making me feel worse then I already was.

I still pressed on; despite the disappointment the last two rooms gave me. Every other room ‘every other room’, that suggests that ‘you’ liked some of the rooms. Every other is every second room. I visited, whether it be a bathroom, library, or bedroom, just filled my heart with grief. Half of it was the fact that I hated the house, the other half was I couldn’t get used to the house. Chances are, by the time May rolled around, we’d be on a road trip across the country, searching for another place to get off to a ‘fresh start’.

Our last house was in Brampford, where it stank of fries, gas exhaust, and was filled with excitement. Here, it was clean, green, and too quiet. Nothing happened here. It was a big difference. Everything about this place sent a twinge of anger into my chest. I hated Oakville; from the moment our car entered its town boundaries. Now we know she makes assumptions quickly, and she was really hurt by her constant moves. I can sympathize a bit, having lived in four different countries, attended six different schools in six different cities.

I went back up to my room, my fingers pressed to my temples trying to block out the headache that was still pounding from the fall. I kicked my door open, only slightly happy that my furniture had been brought up. It took a little less more hospital out of the room seeing my old bed and dresser.

There were six boxes on my bed, along with the gigantic box that I had brought up. My desk was placed so it was facing the windows that overlooked the quiet street. Beside it, was an oak wood dresser that still had Sailor Moon stickers on them from when I was young. In the corner was a large mirror, the kind that could spin around on an axle.

I made my way over the mirror, running my long, manicured fingers through my hair. The reflective glass showed dark brown hair, with streaks of gold and red running through random strands of hair. Brown eyeliner and eye shadow brought out the bright, Irish green eyes that stared back at me, taking in my angled face, running over my athletic body. I was wearing a white tank, layered with a red tee, and a black jacket over top. My legs were covered with black jeans that faded on top of my legs. This is a very stereotypical way of showing appearances of narrators. Can’t you find another way of talking about that? Through conversation or something?

I sighed, turning away from the mirror, and hopped onto my bed, pushing boxes down as I did so. From one of the boxes, I took out bed sheets and a few pillows. I made my bed, trying hard to personalize my room enough to make it look a little less artificial. Bright, tye dye tie dye sheets, along with a black and pink comforter added a certain, zing to the room. The bed helped, but still didn’t take the fakeness out of the blank, white walls.

I shook my head. These white walls have got to go, I thought, eyes flashing from one wall to the other. Even if I kill myself doing it, this room will have attitude, spunk, and creativity written all over it. White just doesn’t cut it.

Not having anything better to do then unpack, I pulled up some more boxes, and started to unload. First, I put all my clothes in separate drawers in my dresser, eliminating a full box, which I chucked into the hall. Next, my posters came out. Roll after roll of glossy sheets. There were my favorite bands, soccer stars, illusions and abstract shapes, and so much more plastered on them. I hung a large amount of these on the wall, satisfied that they covered up a majority of the whiteness. Now my room was getting funked out, Carson style.

I unpacked most of my things, including my backpack, cosmetics kit, books and lucky furnishings. I left what I knew I didn’t need into one box, pushing it into the corner of my closet. Sooner or later, that box would come out, packed and ready for a trip someplace else.

I sat heavily on my bed, letting my head fall back on my pillow. My unpacking was done. Now what? I had no friends, no hangout spots, and no reputation. I basically had nothing, again. By the time I’d make a name for myself in this town, my mom will have us jumping the coop because of a Dash. I closed my eyes, blocking out the sun, the room, the walls, but most of all, blocking out the misery.
7
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Well, you certainly seemed to have identified your problems! And they say that recognizing the problem is half the battle, right? And now, because you've 'published' this, you'll be pushed to doing better! Although based on your piece i think you did quite a bit last year for WDC. Even managing to stick with the site for a whole year is pretty impressive, because it's quite time consuming.

But I definitely agree that a lack of formal 'writing' education means nothing. You don't have to write poetry that follows formal guidelines. Freeverse has very few rules, mainly that you keep to the rules that YOU make up. So maybe that's somewhere to start with?

Keep on writing, and i look forward to seeing you around a little more on WDC.
Nicolina
8
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Review of Circle of Life!  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is very inspirational and very well writen. I like the way that you interchanged the good with the bad, it's very poignant and highlights each in your work.

I do have one suggestion though, your first few lines about happiness and loneliness are a little confusing. There is a slight difference in the implication of forever and a lifetime, and the implication is that loneliness is fleeting and happiness is eternal...Is that the impression you wanted to create?

Keep on writing,
Nicolina
9
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is your third review from Hummingbird's Raffle.

Being a 'daughter' myself, all I can say is that I wish my parents were like that! lol. Somehow I've made it to sixteen without knowing how to operate the washing machine, dishwasher, vacuum cleaner, how to cook anything beyond a piece of toast...nor do i have a stereo set! *Bigsmile*

You've shown your decisions well here, carefully framing them and making them appear sweet and kind despite their ulterior motive! *Laugh* I love your descriptions of us as the 'dark side of lunar terror', i'm sure that most parents will agree with you!

Keep on writing,
Nicolina
10
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is a review for Hummingbird's Raffle!

Lol, very cute and very sweet. I've never actually gone to look for those things, because my friends have reported incidents exactly like yours!

This is well written, easily capturing our attention and you held it all the way through till the end. I loved your final line particularly! You used informal slang, so it became a very personal piece without the formality that we expect for essays etc. That's good, because you connected with your readers well.

Keep on writing,
Nicolina
11
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Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
Okay....well, you asked me to come by and review your work, so here i am. I think what you need to work on is your sentence length. You put a lot into one long sentence, which makes it hard to read. Try to read it aloud and when you pause for breath there should be either a comma or a full stop.

The other thing I would suggest is that you work on showing rather than telling. You seem to skim over important events, which means that the readers can't follow properly, and we feel very detached. Get us inside your speaker's head, show us his thoughts and feelings! I know it's an action piece, but you still need to show us more so that we can sympathize and empathize with your characters.

If you want examples of showing vs. telling, I can send you the link to my novel. Or you can look around writing.com, there are a lot of incredibly talented authors who do very good jobs of this.

Keep on writing!
Nicolina
12
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Rated: E | (4.5)
A very interesting poll indeed! I'd never seen this test before just now, but coming to see the results it surprised me that there are two main groups where we writers tend to gravitate to! Admittedly, there were some really major errors in the test's comparison to my personality, but nonetheless this is an interesting poll and one that makes me feel a little less alone! *Bigsmile*

Nicolina
13
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Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hey laidman Author IconMail Icon
You asked for a detailed review, so it’s a detailed review that you’ll get! Lol. I hope this is useful, and keep in mind that I’ve focused on the improvements rather than the many good and wonderful things about this extract.

The names you’ve used give the implication that this is set in Spain? Or Portugal perhaps. Is this correct? There’s also the impression of them being in the country side, in an abandoned old house, and that this is set in the past (perhaps the 1800s).

Fear-blanched? I’ve never heard that before, and it sounds a little strange. You might want to consider using one or the other, such as ‘his face was white with fear’ or ‘he blanched’.

In your second paragraph, where it reads ‘Ratoncito didn’t know the people in Roca Verde like he did.’, it’s not quite clear who the ‘he’ is. We can guess, sort of, that the ‘he’ is Rigoberto but it’s a little odd.

In the third paragraph, the line ’as if he were there next to him behind the croton plants’ sounds odd as well. We don’t really need to know this (unless croton plants will reoccur and this is foreshadowing them affecting the plot). I liked the way you explained what the Spanish words were without translating them exactly in this paragraph.

Your fourth paragraph creates a sharp contrast between the initial impression of a young, deceit-ridden man by turning Rigoberto into an old man whom we can relate to and sympathize with (the communion and his granddaughter). If he’s the old man, I think you need to include more signs earlier of his old age. By the time we reach this paragraph, we already have a firm mental image which is thrown by the revelation that he’s elderly.

Your fifth paragraph gives us a good glimpse into the character of Rigoberto and shows us his motives, which is good for catching our attention and eliciting our sympathy. The line if Ratoncito doesn’t mess up. is very foreboding here, hinting at future developments and things going wrong.

The siren you mention in your sixth paragraph? Is this a police siren? Or an alarm system? It’s not really clear here and I’m a little confused. Your seventh paragraph, it’s not clear quite what Ratoncito has forgotten either. Clearly it was something important to the mission, but what exactly…? That needs to be cleared up.

When you use the word ‘strafed’, the immediate impression I get is of bullets against a car or wall. Is that the sort of imagery you wanted to create here? And would Rigoberto really ‘entreat’, rather than demand or something? It doesn’t quite fit the personality he’s shown before and after this in terms of his harshness towards the boy.

I liked the little exchange about snakes! It showed some characterization on both sides and was interesting to read. But the word ’skin-thin’? Is that even a word? It sounds strange, because we don’t normally consider things ‘skin-thin’. You could say his thin legs, or his skinny legs…?

When you’re using onomatopoeia (words that sound like the sound they describe), you don’t put them in speech marks. At the moment Ratoncito is saying ‘thwack’! Leave the speech marks out and it’ll be fine.

Hip to hip, they watched the headlights of the car scour the gravel driveway until Doña Caroline entered the covered parking area, turned off the car’s engine and extinguished the lights. This is a run on sentence. They make it very difficult to read and follow. Try to break it into several smaller sentances.

I hope this was helpful! Keep on writing,
Nicolina
14
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Review of Red Tears  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
This poem certainly attracts attention, and catches a reader’s attention quite well. I liked the repetition, it gave it a very child-like tone and feel.

My constructive criticism for you, is that you are giving different impressions in each stanza, which makes it very hard to determine what you are trying to say exactly. Maybe this is intentional, I don’t know, but it makes it more complicated. In the first verse the impression, with your use of words like ‘urn’ and ‘used to’, is that this is after her mother’s death. In the second verse, with the words such as ‘butcher knife’ and ‘vomit’, the implication is simultaneously a murder scene (I thought the mother was murdered originally) and an abused child (the second half of the stanza). The third stanza follows up on the abused child idea as does the fourth, but the fifth stanza becomes more about grief after death again….? You might want to take another look at that!

Keep on writing,
Nicolina
15
15
Rated: E | (4.0)
You've definitely given considerable thought and devoted a great deal of time to working on this! It's a complicated process of ideas, but one that seems to make sense!

It' good that you included the bracketed explanations because it made it slightly easier to follow, and helped to explain your thought processes. The extended metaphor also gave us something to associate with and follow throughout the piece.

My constructive comment is about your formatting. By splitting it up like that you've made it more confusing. If you keep it going across the page like normal, until you need a new paragraph, it would flow better.

Keep on writing,
Nicolina
16
16
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Talk about the irony! Wow!

Every second line I was laughing. You certainly know how to turn what seems to be a serious diary entry/essay into a comedic routine! Very nice. The shouted conversations were amazing as well, and very typical of family exchanges. Your dialogue and character interactions were very realistic as well!

Keep on writing,
Nicolina
17
17
Review of T'Lan'toria  Open in new Window.
for entry "PrologueOpen in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Title:
 T'Lan'toria Open in new Window. (E)
This is a work in progress.
#1054244 by Tretion Author IconMail Icon


Chapter: Prologue

Author: Tretion Author IconMail Icon

Plot:
This is an introductory prologue for this work, giving us the background information for the rest of the novel.

Style & Voice:
Nothing really stood out as errors or anything. You didn’t seem to use the passive voice more than necessary (especially seeing this is a narrative piece at the moment) so I think you’re fine here. It’s hard to discern a particular style in such a short prologue.

Scene/Setting:
You gave us a lot of setting, in time and in location. The reader won’t be as lost now as if you’d plunged them directly into the novel. However, there isn’t really much in here to hook the reader, if that was what you were attending.

Characters:
No specific characters were introduced in here. We have a group of children turned grown-up, mostly unnamed, and a powerful creature who has been called back to another place.

Grammar:
You have quite a few spelling errors, but I think they’re just typos. You missed words out in places and put too many in others, but other than that your grammer is pretty much okay. Any errors I found, I’ve highlighted below for you to edit.

Just My Personal Opinion:
The world you’ve created sounds interesting and rich enough to keep a novel going, although I would have liked a couple more hints of what is to come in the novel itself so that it hooks the reader. I look forward to reading more.

*~*~*


My comments will be red
My suggestions will be in blue
Repeating words will be underlined and in bold

*~*~*


(STRIKE THROUGH THIS ON PURPOSE B/C MAGIC IS NOW FORBIDDEN SUBJECT) This line is very confusing as it’s not clear whether this is a part of the document or if it’s a note to yourself that you forgot to delete!
The Histories:
Klicch's Tower Library, Chief Historian Litsof Ro'de, Year Two Hundred Five After Reformation- Good, you’ve given us the time period and quickly told us that we’re on another world, with different customs (through the different names)
When men were more primitive, the wilds was a place of high order called T'lan'toria. Check your phrasing here. I’m not sure if it’s the tense of the word ‘was’ that is wrong (if so, it should be ‘were’) or if it is ‘wilds’ that should be ‘wild’. Take another look and maybe see if you can rephrase it in someway to make your meaning clearer as well. It was controlled by a council of sorceressorcerers/sorceresses, and enchantresses. No creatures were If you change the word ‘were’ to ‘could’ you get rid of some of the passivity in the sentence. allowed to enter T'lan'toria without the consent of the counsel. You’ve used the wrong word here. This ‘counsel’ is advice, rather than ‘council’ which is a group of people. Ever creature in existence in the Wilds is a remnant of that time, the time that was before the Black Enchantresses. When the Black Enchantresses took control of T'lan'toria, the members of the council had to flee. The surviving members dedicated their lives into hiding their existence from the new rulers of T'lan'toria. But It was only a matter of time before the Black Enchantresses found the council members. When they were discovered, the Black Enchantresses sealed all the surviving members into a hidden chamber in the mountains. If you can explain why she did that, it would help here. One man, a primitive man who had been a servant- caught, tamed and taught by a council member- managed to escape and stole back into the world of primitive men. This man then He taught the other men how to speak, how to organize themselves; don’t use a semi-colon here. The two ideas are connected so it sounds better if you use a transition word such as ‘and’ he quickly became their ruler. The Klicch Is this a title or a group? If it’s a group the next phrase should be ‘direct descendants’, a direct descendant from that man, rules over all of Nakia.

After defeating the council, the Black Enchantresses had complete control over T'lan'tori. Jealous of any holder of magicks other than themselves, the Enchantresses Three Enchantresses Three? Or Three Enchantresses? hunted down and enslaved all the magical people in the land. Only some It flows better if you say ‘a few of the’ instead of ‘some’ children were able to escape notice, whether from luck or a higher hand. You’ve put some foreshadowing in here of the rest of the story, that’s good. The number of children that went unnoticed by the Enchantresses is unknown; the oldest of the group was in his eighteenth year and the youngest was twelve. How is this known? Or is this a myth about them? Either way, you should explain how they ‘know’ this. It is speculated that this group was able to slip through the Enchantresses Three nets by the fact that magic generally only comes in waves through adolescence (Flyoddick Taringael, circa 137 AR). Kehate and Tehalia led the group to the river Ertia, one of the ancient barriers between the primitive world and T'lan'toria. (See sketch in appended journal) Nice comment to remind readers that this is a ‘historical document’. From what can be gathered in texts and legends, it is safe to say that Ertia was guarded and controlled by Natiar- a creature left over from the creation of the world. Natiar was sympathetic to the children's pleas, specifically those of Tehalia's. Natiar agreed to create a small sanctuary, an island called Isthos on the condition that the children agree to help gaurd guard, not ‘gaurd’ and protect Ertia. Many years passed and the group noticed that T'lan'toria was becoming unruly, it was becoming the Wilds. Soon thereafter, Natiar told the group that he was being called back {x:blue}Comma as was the river and the old land. Natiar instructed Kehate and Tehalia to take what remained of the children This sounds like they are taking corpses with them. You need to rephrase it, maybe something like ‘to take the remaining children’ and leave the island.

With Natiar gone and the landscape changing quickly around them, the now grown children broke apart and spread accross across, not ‘accross’ what used to be T'lan'toria, searching for new homes and if at all possible- old faces. It was at that point that T'lan'toria became lost and the Wilds was born.


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18
18
Rated: E | (4.0)
Very well written I think. The ambiguity at the beginning was good characterization of the confusion that a child has, and the lack of information that adults think to give them. However you also showed the perceptiveness that children have (often to the detriment and horror of the adults around them)! Your last couple of sentences were very poignant too.

*Star*Constructive Review *Star*
'taken way to long to get', the first use of 'to' should be 'too'

'you started to make a fuse, it should be 'fuss' not 'fuse'

You may have over done it with the line 'Heavy, gut wrenching sobs that had started to hurt the people who heard it, not only the person emitting them.'. It just took everything a little too far for me.

Keep on writing,
Nicolina
19
19
Rated: E | (4.0)
A very interesting twist at the end! Definitely taking me by surprise! i liked the repetition of the 'She was scared'. It gave the whole piece a sense of continuity and make the final line a whole lot more effective.

*Star* Constructive Criticism *Star*
Your point was a little vague. It would be more powerful if we knew more about why she chose to get up and leave. By leaving it ambiguous like this, it makes it more difficult to sympathize with the characters.

In the phrase 'There shoulders were flush against each other,', the word 'there' should be 'their'.

Keep on writing,
Nicolina
20
20
Review of Let Me Apologize  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Well, you certainly haven't lost the ability to tug at the heart strings! I was about to cry when I read this...

*Star*Constructive Criticism *Star*
I'm afraid I could only find two. *Bigsmile*
With the line 'you asked if I though you', it really should be 'thought' not 'though'.

And in the line 'for the jealousy streak in me', I think it should be 'streak of jealousy', not 'jealousy streak'. Currently it doesn't quite flow as well as it could.

Keep on writing,
*Heart*
Nicolina
21
21
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Definitely depressing and a guide to self-hatred. It's one thing that I don't think anyone needs a guide to do, because most of us are very talented at it. You've managed to capture the emotions very strongly, and in a way that means most of us can relate in some way or another!!

Keep on writing,
Nicolina
22
22
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Review for Humming Bird's Raffle!
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Wow! I was running through your port for Humming Bird's Raffle, and ran across this! It looks really really interesting. It's a good way to promote dedicated writers and reviewers, and help them gain exposure...it's also a good incentive for the not so dedicated to become more dedicated in order to win!!

This is really amazing, and I'm going to keep checking back! I'm really upset that I didn't find out about this before it closed for applications!

For the Special Awards part (or some other award that you decide), maybe you could ask people to donate reviews or something for it? Reviews are always nice, and it'd be a chance for me to get involved in some way! i know, i know, shameless plug!

Quick suggestion though, in the main part of the forum you have a link to the application form, and beside it you say you are still accepting applications. You might want to change that to avoid confusion!!

Keep on writing (and in this case, hosting contests!)
*Heart*
Nicolina
23
23
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Very poignant, and certainly a topic that is current and applicable to probably over half of your readers! I liked the way you brought in a specific example that you used throughout the essay, it helped to give it sense of continuity.

Keep on writing,
Nicolina
24
24
Review of On Gray  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
A very depressing, but entirely true poem. I've felt this way before, and I'm sure most of us have.

One quick question,
was the line fourth line in the third stanza supposed to be "Quiet" or "quite"?

Oh, and another. In the line once create a myriad known as, are you sure it wasn't supposed to be 'created'?

Keep on writing,
Nicolina
25
25
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
The dynamics between the three main characters are very good, and I liked how you’ve switched point of views according to necessity. I also loved the last line of the second chapter. It was so cute and showcased Justyn’s character perfectly. And to poke at another bee's nest.

A couple of constructive suggestions next, but if you don’t agree with them, feel free to discard them.

At the beginning you do more passive telling than active showing. You could strengthen your writing by turning some (or a lot) of verbs ‘to be’ and ‘to have’ into active verbs, and by sliding the little hints about the place into the dialogue or in little snippets rather than all at once. Especially at the opening of a book.

In the second chapter it’s the same, you do a lot of passive telling, which weakens it. Your story will have more force if you ‘show’ it, by using active verbs and cutting down on narrative description. You can slide a lot of information about setting and characters through dialogue, or through actual thoughts, or even through little periodic one-line comments. It’s more natural and more effective that way.

You don’t really have a hook at the end of the first chapter either. A hook will force the reader to keep reading, and ending without one this early on may mean that a reader will give up on the story. For example, if you stopped it right before she tells them her big news it would be more effective because we want to know what the news is. A cliff hanger of sorts…although you can’t use them at the end of every chapter. At the end of the second chapter you do have a sort of hook (without being a cliff hanger), with the wonder about Lacey and Chad’s relationship brewing.

Keep on writing,
Nicolina

P.S If you decided to redo this chapter, feel free to email me and ask me to rereview your work. I'll be happy to come back and have a second look.
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