Your thoughts here are those that many can relate to!!
I belive that writing can be our subconsous revealing itself, and your last two questions, truly are answered in your own poem!! He did what he did, for all the reasons you know already!!
(I'm fifty one, been there done that...)
YOur third line could be re written, it really dosen't make sense, but I know what you mean.
Good topic!
take care,
Barbarea
Overall, your message is a lovely and important one,
however, I found it to be a bit wordy, and vague in the beginning.
I think if you took out un important words, and made it more direct, it would read smooother, and more powerfull, for example...
A storm approaches, I close my eyes
MY pain within.....
instead of "and my tears begin to fall..
"my tears fall"
a lot of the "and's " aren't needed, and just seem "filler" words to me,
I'm no expert, just my opion,
the message overall is good, so I think it could be made a lot better,
hope this helped,
don't use my thoughts if you don't want..
Barbarea
WEll, first, check your spelling in this. You obviously have a lot to say here, so if you made it more personal, it would be understood more clearly.
Your last stanza is too long, and feels like you're fitting all of these thoughts in too much a binding way.
Maybe you can rewrite it, and be more detailed in what you are telling us, it could either be a success at the end, or a lesson of some kind, that would make it meaningfull.
Barbarea
Ha!! Witty, funny, and I have dogs also, so I enjoyed this one. Jus a thought here, one word that looks a bit out of place, wonder if you wanted to change "and their toys for to play" to "and their toys with to play" that still sounds a bit awkward, but it keeps the rythm-this was easy to read, and I like your
"Christmas theme"-
very cute,
Barbarea
This sounds like a man I knew.... I know this feeling of being lied to, this was lovely,
There is no storybook ending, how true, for a true liar , will always be just that, a liar.
I didn't understand your meaning at the end, it sounded like you are wiling to be with this person, and drown, depsite what you know is false.
Harsh reality, is what this person cannot handle, but for me, being in his sick lies, and false reality,
was even worse.
I really understood this one,
take care
Barbarea
I gave you this rating, for now, because it's a bit wordy. You have a great theme going, and I'm sure many readers here are going to relate to it, I can!
I think what will make it smoother, and more poetic, is , go back and look at all those little words, that you really don't need. To make it more direct, and flowing, will make a better poem,
I'm not expert, just my thoughts here.
For example, the first line,
"There are many titles for this poem I could name"
so, you could say
"Many titles this poem could have,
see? You probably don't want to use that, but that's what I mean, more direct, and take out those little words that make it more work to read.
what do I know, I just love to write,
take care,
Barbarea
HI- I had to read this first, all the way through,and then again, to understand it. I think your style is rambling, and actually, it works, because your thoughts are rambling. The very best line in this, to me, is, "tis all for not.."
As I read others works, it seems sometimes that the very best lines are near the end, like the writer is warming up to be able to be really creative.
A thought on your message, it will reach many readers, for either man or women, we've all been there, but for me, I just cherish "what was"
I think what would be really great, and maybe healthy for you, would be to take this, read it back to yourself line by line, (you have the answers inside you) and rewrite it, from a very self empowered view point, I think you will be very suprised at what you say, when you let it all come through
take care,
BArbarea
HI- My first impression here, is that you are writing with a very sensitive, and loving soul. I don't want to pick it apart, line by line, as some poetry sites do, but there are places where you touch on being very creative, and deep, then you seem to lose the debth, to make it rhym. If you want me to, I can go through line by line, I"m certainly no expert.
I think if you re write it, and keep your creativity along with the rhyming, it will be really beautifull.
What do you think about taking out the word "nice' in regards to the moon? I think it would read better.
I think there are a lot of beautifull poems in you,
just waiting to be written!!!
take care,
(I'm an old lady of fifty, I just love to write, so I"m no expert here)
Barbarea
My sentiments excatly!! I am very independent, and not a "joiner" so I very much identified with this one.
It takes courage to follow your own path, but the rewards are that you will find yourself.
Wonderfull,
one thought here, the word "split" is rather strong, not sure, how about "change" instead? It sounds a bit softer.
very strong poem, great topic
Barbarea
Ok, I'm writing this in knowing that you do realize, I am straightforward, and a NICE PERSON!!! ha ha
Couple questions, why is the earth enriched?? The first thing I thought of was, well, I have three horses, and you know what enriched means when you're on a farm... Not sure what you meant by enriched..
Then, at the end, it says "Dad can you come out before you start baking, but in the beginning he already is.
I had another thought, since you wrote this from a beautifull memory of a four year old (mine were rotten) anyway, would a four year old say "awaken?"
Not sure if you wanted this to sound like a four year old's perspective??
Lou, you have a lovely stlye,and it's nice to see men
who have passion, and the ability to share it in a artfull way.
Again, I"m just little ol me, no training, I did learn from the puncuation, since it's all correct.
But what I think is, I am a passionate, caring person, and I can see that in this.
You are clearly a very talented, and passionate man.
Reading this taught me about proper puncuation, for i read this out loud,and it was written with such
feeling, and passion. there I go again, passion, but it's there.
To me, passion is the most important thing in a poem, or in any artform, and you have it.
I am not familiar with the story content, so I won't even go there, but you write in a very captivating way.
I'm sorry but I wont'even go near touching this with any changes, I think you have a lovely, powerfull writing style.
take care,
see you around
Barbarea
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