This is a really neat idea, I can certainly imagine it would be a great way to relax on a starship, but I'd advise working some more on the language and punctuation. When you're writing, try and think of your text as being read out loud. Listen for where the pauses fall, where new thoughts come in, and use commas, full stops, question marks, all that jazz accordingly.
For example, your first sentence:
"Why did it always smell wet, everytime it seemed."
What we've got here is a question, and a response. You've seperated them up, which is great, but the comma gives the effect of the same thought being continued with a quick break. What works best is to present them as two seperate ideas, almost as though it's two characters speaking. You can do this by fully ending the first thought and starting the next one as a new sentence:
"Why did it always smell wet? Every time, it seemed."
Now it's a question, and an answer, which gives it more of a feel of suspense. The same rough formula can be applied to pretty much any writing, just keep in mind how everything sounds when it's read out loud. Here's another example:
"his eyes opened fully now he glanced at the ensign, damn they make em younger and younger he thought."
This portion of the text has a description (eyes open), an action (glancing), a thought, and a closing adjective. Try and seperate each of these things so they can all receive the attention they deserve:
"his eyes opened fully now, he glanced at the ensign. 'Damn, they make 'em younger and younger,' he thought."
Now the ideas are broken up a little, a reader can enjoy each of them as they come. Obviously this isn't a complete hard-and-fast rule, there's always going to be situations where you want a rush of words with no breaks because it can create a real sense of fear or excitement if used correctly (the last line of your own short story 'Royce' is a great example, the way that line is structured pretty much mimics exactly how I speak when I'm desperate to get rid of someone), but for the most part it's better to pace writing to seperate each thought and idea that goes into it.
Hope this helps. You have some really great ideas, keep it up!
-JIMMY |
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