I like you poem, it's funny and silly but jokey and fun. I love the idea of the elephant sleeping in the child's bed and I think you have conjured up some good images that stay with you even after you have finished reading. You have also managed the rhyming pattern really well.
I really enjoyed your poem which has strong actions link to something that we all have (well very much almost everyone)- hands. Hands are so powerful they can welcome, they can swear, they can show your life's story and I think you've really captured that feeling and truth.
In each stanza you've chosen a different group of people from the innocent to the the blameful (almost step by step) and I love the idea of the Government having a hand too, even if it's not one you like or want to acknowledge.
Make sure you keep writing and message me when you've done more!
Wow, some very powerful images in your story and clever use of wording to do 100 words without any repetition. I love the image of the stars hiding behind the clouds. I thought this was pretty powerful. I saw it more as if they were hiding from the beast rather than just doing their normal thing...but maybe that's the point. Man can feel tormet, but the bigger world just goes on doing it's own thing.
Hi there,
I like your poem a lot. It's obviously quite personal to you and I think it flows really well. I particularly like 'just fall asleep and not wake up' as it's a longer line than others and almost clings onto the next line, reaching out.
I like the words and the content, but I think a some of your punctuation is unnecessary and detracts from the quality of your writing. This is a real shame from the way I read it, because it's such a good piece of writing.
If you'd like to change it, I'd suggest taking out all of the punctuaction from verses 2 & 3 apart from the full stops at the end and just putting a comma after tears (v2) and life (v3). As I usually say, this is a matter of personal taste but I think it would help the flow of the poem, highlight the best words and give you a more rounded piece.
Either way I do like the content of your poem and I look forward to reading more.
You managed to sum up in 33 words exactly what I think rushes through peoples' minds the second when they buy a lottery ticket. I love the idea of 'destination imagination', it's a real extreme of what people imagine luxury to be and I think you summed it up very well. The two or three word lines are far more hard hitting than something with more explanation. The concepts in each line are simple, but coupled with the rhyming scheme which is really strong, it has high impact.
Nice subject area to choose to as it would grab lots of peoples' imaginations automatically. Who isn't hoping for that big win only to feel the bitter disappointment of not getting it?
The only thing I'd say is that mid line some words like fascination and imagination have capital letters and I'm not sure why as that isn't continued throughout the piece although that's more a matter or personal taste.
A compelling story of true love indeed. I like the fast paced nature of this poem and I particularly liked the length. You didn't try to cram it all into two stanzas, but you gave it the length it deserved to give just enough information.
I am also interested by the fact it is a true story. That gives it more meaning to me and made me feel the poem with more emotion. It made me consider how I would have felt in that situation and despite it being so short, I still had time to feel despair and hope that it would be OK, knowing how dangerous those things can be.
No tips for improvement. It is long and the tradition is to write shorter, but that's what makes it work so well. I've seen lots of your poems up of all different types so I'll hope to read some others soon.
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