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3 Public Reviews Given
44 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review of Monday  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
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Welcome to writing.com - also known as WDC.

I hope you’ll find this review helpful.

As this piece is in its early stages, it has the potential to grow into something great. I like that you mostly write nice simple sentences.

As a reader, I’d like to know more about the two school boys since the story begins with them. The two most outstanding details for me are how old they are and what kind of personalities they have.

Towards the end, I felt there should be more interaction between the two boys. It’d be interesting to see how they will react to the situation of the landlord’s husband. I think it would really make a nice addition to the story.

I felt there was some inconsistency in the beginning. You mentioned it was the end of another day at school, but students walked out with their lunch boxes. I had trouble reasoning why they were carrying their lunch boxes around when it was the end of the day.

Grammar wise, there are a few things that can be done to make this story read smoother.

There are two punctuations that were absent from your piece, the use of commas during dialogue, and quotation marks (also known as talking marks).

Here is a rule when using both commas and inverted commas during dialogue.

Use a comma to separate direct speech from the rest of the sentence. Here is an example using speech from your story:

Hello boys, he said.

Using the same example of speech from your story, you can also use an inverted comma in such cases as:

He said, Hello boys.

And all speech should be defined by using quotation marks. Here is an example using the same dialogue.

“Hello boys”, he said.
Or
He said, “Hello boys.”


Thanks for sharing your work.

-Samantha
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Review of Beethoven  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
870854

It isn't a complicated story, but it's as captivating as reading a really good book.

Wow! This is some story. It's different and inspires me to write. Brilliant use of words. Simple and meaningful, using the exact right words to mould into the sentences.

I do recommend members to read this. This should be put out there more often for people to read. Try entering it into contests, Darcy, and see how you go.

-Samantha
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