This particular piece of writing has a steady continuous pace, its really good. Your use of repetition was very good kept the reader there, and even in the verse that you repeated you changed one line again keeping the reader interested. Your vocabulary is also very good, I honestly can't think of anything you need to improve on. Very good job I really enjoyed it.
It's good, good use of metaphors and similes, good vocabulary it is a rather interesting piece, a possible way to improve may be to make it longer, however it is still perfectly fine the way it is. Bravo and continue writing I would look forward to reading more.
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