This is an interesting vignette that raises more questions than it answers. Whose grave is the protagonist grieving at, and what was the relationship between them? Why does the protagonist feel a heightened sense of hypocrisy at this place? Why does she feel so conflicted?
Good job in sketching this scene with all of its complexities. The moody nature of the piece shines.
Suggestion: unless you were poetically inventing a word, i should be "self-conscious."
Very good write! I remember those senseless killings clearly; my visits to Amish country in Pennsylvania nearly forty years ago, not so clearly.
Many of us could join you, "to float unbound, untethered, to pass the cold, pale moon" every time we learn of another Columbine, another Dawson College, another Virginia Tech. But the lesson truly is "to forgive, to pray, to mourn,the souls of the living, the souls of the dead."
This is an outstanding poem. Your well-chosen words explore the unexplorable, and describe the indescribable.
You've done an admirable job of expressing the vastness of creation and of painting a descriptive portrait of the divine force that permeates it all on every level. You've woven a piece that's scientific yet faith-filled at the same instant.
I especially liked the following:
I have to let go of myself,
Yield to the wondrous enormity
Of the feeling of the Truth
Which blots out my sense of self
I enjoyed reading this warm and inspirational story. It is an excellent parable on the need to allow others to reach out and extend the help we require to surmount our obstacles.
The story is simple and straightforward yet significant. Your use of imagery and description in the tale is very good, and the story overall is very well-written.
It's always a pleasure to see a new writer on these pages who brings talent and vision to our community. I look forward to reading much more of your work.
This is a very powerful poem. Your treatment of the theme is skillful; you use the cinq cinquaine form fluidly, pacing the phases of the storm perfectly.
The real strength of the piece, though, is the vivid use of description you employ. "Ominously," "clap," and "silence belies fury" are all excellently used.
You've penned an interesting story here, Iowegian Skye.
Older cars have their pluses and minuses, like newer ones. They're comfortable, powerful, and built like tanks, so they're safe. But they lack a lot of modern amenities, they suck down gas like crazy, and when they break down, they cost an arm and a leg to fix.
I guess it's all in what you're looking for.
This is a well-written piece, and conveys your thoughts very well. You are a welcome addition to WdC-- we can always use a new, talented writer in our midst!
This is an interesting variety of poetry, and demonstrates a skill level beyond your age.
"Winter Wheat" is excellent... it demonstrates the spirit of haiku, if not the precise form. The mental picture evoked is clear and demonstrative.
"The Inner World" describes an imaginary land where the poet can escape the turmoil and confusion of the real world. I found this poem less satisfactory. The story and description were good, but the poem seemed too long for the subject. The main weakness for me was the frequent use of trite, weak, and predictable rhymes: "hero/zero," "night/light" (twice,) and "sad/glad" are examples. This poem might actually benefit from being rewritten without a rhyme scheme.
"A Werewolf's Pain" used good imagery, but is marred by repetition. "Suffering" and "alone" are each repeated in the same stanza, and while repetition can be used to effect as a poetic device, I don't think it works particularly well here.
"Love and Lust" is probably my favorite of the quintet of poems you've offered here. It not only uses natural imagery to explain your points, but the message of the poem is powerful and very mature. You understand the differences between love and mere physical infatuation very well, and you are in a good place to discuss the subject, it seems to me.
Similarly, "The Road of Life" shows a maturity of thought and a great understanding of life that is rare among teens. My only criticism would be, again, a tendency towards repetition: The word "map" is used six times in the piece. Synonyms that could be used are atlas, chart, and plan, for example.
Poetry is the expression of thoughts and ideas in as beautiful and unique a manner as possible. Your work shows very good potential as you improve your art. Well done!
OVERALL IMPRESSION: This is an interesting piece on an unusual subject for a poem, archery. I was, as a young boy years ago in summer camp, a fair-to-middling archer, and the piece brought me back to that New Hampshire field and the straw-stuffed targets that were my nemesis.
STRENGTHS: There are a few memorable images in the poem: "But this lollipop vision is not what you want..." "As your arrow slices/ Through the thick silence." "...the throbbing paper heart,.."
The piece captures the process fully, and gives the reader a clear picture of what transpires in the archer's mind as she aims and releases.
OPPORTUNITIES FOR IMPROVEMENT: In this reviewer's opinion, the poem leans too heavily on literal narration. It has the whiff of a "how to" prose piece about it. I would have liked to see a less literal, more "show, not tell" approach to the piece. The author has come tantalizingly close to achieving this, and with some review and revision, the piece could rise to even higher reaches.
Stanza three, line 2, the first word should be spelled "Its," not "It's" "It is only task"?
Stanza six, line one, the word "site" should be spelled "sight." "Site" refers to either a physical location for a building or structure, or a web page. "Sight" is the device used in aiming a bow or other weapon.
CONCLUDING THOUGHTS: This is a better than average poem that captures some of the romance of the sport of archery, an activity with its roots deep in centuries of warfare and hunting.
This is an excellent poem on a variety of levels. The gravity of the subject, the measured, rational dissertation, the thoughtful rhyming couplets, and the smooth flow of the poem bespeak the combination of skill and effort you have brought to this composition.
You may be a novice to the site, but it is plain that you are no novice to the art of poetry. I welcome your voice to the site, and look forward to reading more of your efforts. You have the potential to be a standout writer here.
You've employed some skillful phrasing to achieve very vivid description in this poem.
I particularly liked the lines:
Bleeding old poetry,
onto pages that will never come Alive.
That evokes a powerful image.
I must admit I was put off somewhat by the apparently random capitalization scheme you've used. There was no consistency or pattern I was able to discern, and I found it a distraction.
Aside from that criticism, this is a good poem. Welcome to WdC.
The lyrics form a technically well-constructed song, although I have reservations about the line "While unknown soldiers are buried in unknown graves" and how it would fit structurally in the song. It is significantly longer than any other line.
In the opening stanza, I'm puzzled at the reference to a specific day forty years ago when The Beatles started playing, especially since the Fab Four began considerably longer than forty years ago, but I'll chalk it up to poetic license!
Also, I wonder if the references to "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band" and "The Day the Music Died" were intended to be as pointed as they are... just musing.
"perpetrate words"-- a very subtle use of words here, and an apt one. It's a beautiful verb, perpetrate, sinister in its implications, flowing, compelling, and an excellent illustration of the inappropriateness of conversation at that moment. That's the highlight of the poem.
"Merely attest: merely a test." Clever, but more than that. Not just a facile device, but a strong statement reinforcing the theme of the first stanza.
The meter, strictly speaking, is not iambic tetrameter, but it flows nicely, and the juxtaposition of metric schemes conforms with the internal conflict hinted at in the theme.
The repetition of "Oh, happy day!" in stanza two called to mind the old eponymous Negro spiritual and lends a positively jubilant conclusion to the poem.
You've gotten the absolute utmost from every word you've employed. I'm envious!
When I conjure the face of the Divinity as I send my prayers into the spiritual ether, I find it far more reassuring, and far more probable, to visualize them being lovingly received by a feminine visage than a stern old man with flowing hair and beard.
I was particularly struck by the lines--
I cried out to the feminine face of God,
the wine-dark womb, the Eternal Healer...
This is a very descriptive and evocative poem, and I enjoyed it quite a bit. It struck a responsive chord deep inside my memory, for I'm far removed from my childhood.
The theme and the message of the poem are poignant and thought-provoking. I spotted no errors in spelling, grammar, or meter.
I've taken the liberty of highlighting this piece today in the "Poet's Corner" section of my journal, Invalid Item.
This is a very accurate observation and one that many people overlook.
The amazingly low median age in most Middle East countries along with an abnormally high unemployment rate makes for far too many young men with no hope and thus a receptivity to a doctrine that guarantees a place in Paradise for the martyr.
This story is an extension of your poetry. It is simple, mystical, and spiritual,
Besides being refreshing and peaceful, the story served me by disabusing me of my juvenile notion of mermaids being nothing but tails and other Splash paraphernalia!
"Flowers and Stones" is a moody, atmospheric piece that reflects the somber, dignified, and slightly foreign atmosphere of the funeral ceremony that is at its core.
The reader is conveyed credibly and gracefully through the streets of Vienna and the banks of the Danube via the nostalgic recollection of the narrator. The atmosphere is vividly described, and the story's pace and tone are well suited to the quiet, dignified message.
This is a very enjoyable read, nearly perfectly polished.
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