This story kept me riveted the entire time. Jonny is a sympathetic protagonist with great determination, just as his father and brother are unsympathetic antagonists. The ending was a surprise; I was expecting to find out that Bobby purposely caused the injury to his brother's hands because of jealousy.
Nice use of imagery in describing the feelings that the rose elicits. In particular, the final stanza describes the nightingale's worship and praise.
The one area of improvement I saw is the second stanza. "He loves its. . . ." is repetitive. It tells, rather than showing, the reader. More vivid verbs for loves and sing would elevate this poem.
Hello! Dynamic Pencil here to review your work. First off, I'd like to thank you for sharing this piece. I know sometimes it's hard to post your work publicly, so hats off to you!
Let's start by looking at some areas I thought were well done. Great job on these aspects:
* Writing limericks is harder than it seems. You've done well in finding words that rhyme.
* Most of your word choices are clear and specific. You've generally avoided dull language.
* Your challenges as a writer are relatable.
* This piece is free of errors in grammar and conventions.
Now that we've talked about all the great things about this piece, I hope you don't mind if I give you a few suggestions to make this even better.
* The only possible change I can think of is to find another word to rhyme with stuff in the first stanza. But that's a picky thing.
* If you want to make an em dash instead of two hyphens, you can hold down Alt and type 0151 in sequence.
Hi there. Dynamic Pencil here to read and review your work. Thanks for sharing. I hope you will take my advice in the spirit it's given: to help.
I know you've worked hard on this. That's why I wish I could rate it higher. Unfortunately, there are some issues that keep this piece from being as effective as it could be. Here are some of the main issues I noticed:
* The language could peel wallpaper. I'm not sure how necessary it is to use the same vulgarities over and over.
* The term "black thug man" could be considered highly offensive. "Like a queer coward" has the same problem.
* Spacing between paragraphs makes this difficult to read in places.
* I noticed several punctuation errors, especially missing commas.
* "We could care less" should be "We couldn't care less."
* Word choice is somewhat effective, but I'd really like to see some more clear and specific synonyms for said.
* In the "3 Months Later" section, Wiz starts by saying dinna but then says dinner. Make sure to maintain a consistent voice for your narrative and your characters.
* Overall, the story reads awkwardly, especially when describing people or events.
* I don't understand why your characters are eating excrement.
* Was the part about microwaving the cat really necessary?
That sounds like a lot, and I apologize for that. I'd like to offer these suggestions for you to make this piece the best it can be:
* It seems that you're trying to describe a dystopian environment. Develop that theme more consistently throughout this piece.
* Explain more clearly where the zombies came from.
* Explain why these particular people of different races are at odds.
* Tone the vulgarity down. If it's absolutely necessary, spell the F word the same way every time.
* Your blurb talks about an apocalypse, but I'd like to see you go into more detail about the apocalypse itself.
* Develop your characters more thoroughly. Give readers a reason to care about them.
Please feel free to ask for clarification if you're not sure about something I said. If I didn't think this piece had potential, I wouldn't rate it. Good luck to you
Hello! Dynamic Pencil here to review your work. First off, I'd like to thank you for sharing this piece. I know sometimes it's hard to post your work publicly, so hats off to you!
Let's start by looking at some areas I thought were well done. Great job on these aspects:
* This is an ambitious poem that tells a moving story.
* The story follows a logical, cohesive sequence.
* Word choices are generally clear and specific.
Now that we've talked about all the great things about this piece, I hope you don't mind if I give you a few suggestions to make this even better.
* Missing punctuation impeded my ability to smoothly read this through. Namely, the phrase "Dragons there be" should have quotation marks around it every time, because someone in the poem is saying it. Some judiciously placed commas would also help throughout.
All the best here on writing.com! Please feel free to contact me if you need clarification. Thanks once again for sharing.
Hello there, fellow writer. Thanks for sharing your work here on writing.com. I'm here today to rate and review this piece.
First, I'd like to mention what I thought you did well on. Keep up the great work!
* This does read like a song you could sing by a fire.
* The use of slant rhyme (Earth/hurt) and exact rhyme (dry/cry) are effective.
* The last stanza is particularly trenchant because of the solution the narrator finds.
* Your word choices are generally clear and effective. I can visualize each stanza.
I'd also like to offer some advice for improvement. These are only suggestions, so don't feel that you *have* to do any of them:
* I'm not sure whether the lack of punctuation is intentional, but perhaps some periods at the ends of lines would let the reader know when you're shifting gears within stanzas.
* In the second stanza, it's should be its.
* The theme of seeking shelter is not clearly developed throughout. I would have liked to see you expand on how turning to nature gives the respite the narrator seeks. (Perhaps a cave, or the shade of a mature tree, could add this imagery.)
Hello! Dynamic Pencil here to review your work. First off, I'd like to thank you for sharing this piece. I know sometimes it's hard to post your work publicly, so hats off to you!
Let's start by looking at some areas I thought were well done. Great job on these aspects:
* Nice use of exact rhyme throughout.
* Thanks for explaining what riven means for those who might not have known.
* Word choices are crisp and vivid. Every word works to convey your message and give the reader a mental image.
* The poem flows nicely when read aloud. You've used an effective combination of short and long, familiar and less familiar words.
Now that we've talked about all the great things about this piece, I hope you don't mind if I give you a few suggestions to make this even better.
I know you highlighted the words to show that you used them, but what if you had used green? That would have gone especially well with grassy. (This is only a thought and not a criticism.)
This poem kept my attention throughout. Thanks again for sharing this. Well done.
Hello! Dynamic Pencil here to review your work. First off, I'd like to thank you for sharing this piece. I know sometimes it's hard to post your work publicly, so hats off to you!
Let's start by looking at some areas I thought were well done. Great job on these aspects:
* The word choice is vibrant and crisp. Every word serves a purpose and conveys your message.
* Everything flows smoothly. The free verse works well here.
* Your use of metaphor is fascinating, especially the comparison of words to ripened fruit.
* I can visualize your transformation from discouraged to inspired.
Now that we've talked about all the great things about this piece, I hope you don't mind if I give you a few suggestions to make this even better.
* "tear filled" should have a hyphen.
This poem called to mind the old song "The Lost Chord." Thanks for the memory.
Hello! Dynamic Pencil here to review your work. First off, I'd like to thank you for sharing this piece. I know sometimes it's hard to post your work publicly, so hats off to you!
Let's start by looking at some areas I thought were well done. Great job on these aspects:
* Your word choice is generally crisp, vivid, and effective. Everything flows nicely.
* Your theme of one who strays is consistent throughout the poem. You develop this theme well.
* You have done well in conveying a gentle, almost longing tone.
Now that we've talked about all the great things about this piece, I hope you don't mind if I give you a few suggestions to make this even better.
* I'm not sure whether you intended to leave out punctuation at the ends of some lines. Putting periods at the ends of some lines would make it more clear to the readers that you're shifting gears a bit within stanzas.
* I'm not sure how the title correlates to the poem itself. I do know of the biblical parable of the sower and the seed, but I don't see that theme consistently throughout.
* "My child" needs a comma after it in every case.
* "My child, I ask just one thing" needs a colon after it, since you're using this line to introduce your main point.
Thanks again for sharing your heart and your talents. This piece has great potential.
Thanks for sharing your insights about the importance of newspapers. I agree with you that there is nothing quite like holding the daily news in your hands, flipping its pages and enjoying a cup of coffee.
On the plus side, I like the last part. It's witty yet straightforward.
I'd like to, however, offer some suggestions for making this piece more effective. I'm approaching this as a former English teacher, so I hope you'll take my advice as it's intended: to help.
1. I don't understand why the first all-caps line, which you bolded, is not the title of your piece. I don't think you need both.
2. It doesn't seem that you intended for the whole piece to be in bold print. This should be easy enough to fix. Check and double check your work.
3. The first sentence is long and unwieldy. ("We are living in a global village where every news spreads like a wild fire whether it is about a video of a Syrian kid found dead at a seaside in Turkey or the handshake of Nawaz Sharif and Narendra Modi and we are at click away from them through a number of apps our androids have.") This could easily be broken up into two or three sentences.
4. Since an Android is a brand name, it should be capitalized.
5. "Every news" should be "Every news story."
6. For this topic, you should probably keep the tone professional, since your intended audience is probably adults. (Use "child" instead of "kid.")
7. I recommend running this article through Grammarly or another grammar checker to identify mistakes in usage and punctuation. This piece has several issues that make it hard to read.
8. Remember to indent when you begin a new paragraph. The layout is hard on the eyes.
9. To make your point more effective, be sure to support your general statements. How, for example, are newspapers "spokesmen of human conscience"?
10. To arrange your ideas more clearly, I'd consider rewriting this as a five-paragraph essay: ¶ 1 for introducing the topic, ¶s 2-4 for covering three topics (one paragraph per topic), and ¶ 5 for summarizing and concluding your piece. One topic could be about how many are unaware of world events, another could be about how newspapers prepare the readers for the day, and another could be about how newspapers influence public opinion.
This piece has potential, so I hope you'll give it the TLC it needs to be as effective as possible.
Thanks for sharing your insights about the importance of newspapers. I agree with you that there is nothing quite like holding the daily news in your hands, flipping its pages and enjoying a cup of coffee.
On the plus side, I like the last part. It's witty yet straightforward.
I'd like to, however, offer some suggestions for making this piece more effective. I'm approaching this as a former English teacher, so I hope you'll take my advice as it's intended: to help.
1. I don't understand why the first all-caps line, which you bolded, is not the title of your piece. I don't think you need both.
2. It doesn't seem that you intended for the whole piece to be in bold print. This should be easy enough to fix. Check and double check your work.
3. The first sentence is long and unwieldy. ("We are living in a global village where every news spreads like a wild fire whether it is about a video of a Syrian kid found dead at a seaside in Turkey or the handshake of Nawaz Sharif and Narendra Modi and we are at click away from them through a number of apps our androids have.") This could easily be broken up into two or three sentences.
4. Since an Android is a brand name, it should be capitalized.
5. "Every news" should be "Every news story."
6. For this topic, you should probably keep the tone professional, since your intended audience is probably adults. (Use "child" instead of "kid.")
7. I recommend running this article through Grammarly or another grammar checker to identify mistakes in usage and punctuation. This piece has several issues that make it hard to read.
8. Remember to indent when you begin a new paragraph. The layout is hard on the eyes.
9. To make your point more effective, be sure to support your general statements. How, for example, are newspapers "spokesmen of human conscience"?
10. To arrange your ideas more clearly, I'd consider rewriting this as a five-paragraph essay: ¶ 1 for introducing the topic, ¶s 2-4 for covering three topics (one paragraph per topic), and ¶ 5 for summarizing and concluding your piece. One topic could be about how many are unaware of world events, another could be about how newspapers prepare the readers for the day, and another could be about how newspapers influence public opinion.
This piece has potential, so I hope you'll give it the TLC it needs to be as effective as possible.
Thanks for sharing your story of the princess Genevieve. Although I think this piece has potential, it needs a lot of work. For that reason, I can't give this a higher rating than a 2.
I see that this is meant to be the first chapter of a longer story. So my question is, is this meant to be a summary or a complete story? Your title and introduction don't make this clear. So my first piece of advice would be to use a more descriptive title.
I'm going to go through the story and point out areas that concern me:
Sentences #1-2 ("Once a upon a time there was a princess her name was Genevieve. She was beautiful girl she was 18 years old."):
This is a run-on sentence. Could you maybe try something like this? "Once upon a time, there was a beautiful princess named Genevieve, who was 18 years old."
Sentence #3 ("She was the queen of Fairytale Land.It was a town of fairytale creatures or people."):
You just told us she was a princess, but now you're saying she's a queen. Notice also that you should space once or twice after a period. Usually, a queen doesn't reign over a town. Could you maybe try something like this? "Princess Genevieve reigned in Fairytale Land. In that wondrous land lived many mythical beings, including...."
Those are just some examples of what I mean. You included a lot of facts here, but you don't go into any detail or depth. So here is my advice to you:
1. Go sentence by sentence and break this up into separate ideas.
2. For each separate idea, brainstorm as many details as you can for characters and places. (You're probably familiar with bubble maps and circle maps. Make these for each idea and each character.)
3. Remember to show us and not just tell us your story. Use vivid words, such as colors and strong verbs, so that we can make a picture in our minds of the people and places in your story?
4. Make a timeline of events in your story. (Where does the warlock come in, for example?)
5. Rewrite the story, using the details you came up with in step 3. Write at least three paragraphs, five sentences each, for each character and place. Include dialogue and characterization to give Genevieve and her parents each a personality.
6. Go sentence by sentence in your rewritten story, and check for spacing, spelling, and usage issues.
I'm especially intrigued by the imagery at the beginning of the poem. Wrapping up your regrets and tying them to sunbeams is an interesting metaphor I wouldn't have thought of. I also enjoy the idea of whispering your memories to fleeting seconds, as if the seconds were your confidants.
The use of exact rhyme and slant rhyme is effective, as is the vivid and clear choice of words.
I wonder, though, whether you could break this up into stanzas for easier reading. Also, I noticed a couple of very minor punctuation issues:
* "The sun sheds as it sets" should probably have a period instead of a comma.
* "Tie them to the rays of light" doesn't need a comma after it.
* "Whisper all that was" probably doesn't need a comma; same with "Then sit with eyes turned skywards."
That said, I also like how the theme of tranquility is woven throughout the poem, both as inner peace and the calmness of a day becoming night.
This is a nice reminder to let each new year present its own opportunities.
I'm sure your friend will appreciate this gesture.
I like your description of his honesty in the first paragraph. It's obvious that you think highly of him. The lines "He laughs and cries but can't tell lies" make that clear.
I wish I could give this a higher score, but I think this poem has room for improvement, especially in the following areas:
1. The lack of punctuation makes the poem difficult to read in some places. I especially noticed this in the line "And friends of dear."
2. I think you could expand on what makes your friend "not average." It's good that he's honest and that he's open with his emotions, but I wonder whether there's more you could say to really drive those points home. Why, for example, is it enlightening that he's honest and open?
3. The biggest concern I have is that some of the lines don't make sense. I wonder what you could do with this if you tried free verse or blank verse instead of rhyming.
a. Second stanza: What are "friends of dear" and "time spent in tons"? These expressions aren't used in standard English.
b. Third stanza: What are "times of wry"? Also, the article "an" should go in front of "old bitter man."
I think this is a gentle, kind effort that can be something special with some TLC.
First, I want to thank you for writing such a charming story. At first, I didn't realize how well the title suited the story, but I think you did a fine job interweaving breakfast throughout the story.
Your use of dialogue is effective in showing both Shweta's and Mrs. Aitahb's personalities and struggles, all while introducing the readers to the characters' culture. It was obvious that Mrs. Aitahb was nervous about her presentation, making her more impatient and on edge.
The irony of the ending is also a strong point that shows Mrs. Aitahb's resourcefulness.
Just a few very minor things:
* The title "head of the board" doesn't need to be capitalized. It's capitalized only when you're directly addressing her.
* It would have been helpful to put a note at the end explaining unfamiliar terms.
All in all, this is a well-rounded story with effective dialogue.
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Great job on these aspects: