Hmm. not much to say on this. narration is good, I have heard that there are some stories out there that use only narrations from start to finish, but I don't like reading narrations much. As a reader I want short narrations. narrations are meant to tell the reader something important but not so important to the story. I can see that this entire piece is mostly narrations and while it his important I believe that a paragraph would have said all about Rachel and I find the other part redundant. your writing is good in terms of grammar but work on your writing style. you need it
good work, it was a bit too fast forward for me at first but I got used to it. when you were describing this scenario I didn't get the feeling that the character was actually freezing, only frustrated and helpless. try to show what your characters is feeling not just in terms of emotions but physical feelings with his senses. good job though.
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