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14 Public Reviews Given
34 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of Fear  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
The structure, form, and rhyme are solid. I like the increasing syllables as each stanza progresses. Right now the language in the poem is very simple, and this is not a bad thing; however, I feel in this case it detracts from the severity of such a topic as fear. Think about how word choices convey meaning; for example, if the first four stanzas were painted using a more mature word pallet, the last stanza could remain exactly as it is, simple and concise. What does this do for you? It, to me, would convey that the last stanza, which speaks of emancipation from fear, gives instructions that are simple to follow, and that the stanzas before it talk of complicated matters that can all be reversed by the direction in the last stanza.

Fear resides inside the heart,No need for a comma here. Maybe a period, but often in poetry you can end a line without punctuation if that line alone is a sentence and does not spill onto the next line
Once it consumes, you try to part.Same here as I mentioned above
Fear latches on with all the its power;
Soon you give up and begin to cower.

Think of words that are synonyms for some of the two word phrases you have in this stanza. For example, give up could be replaced with submit. The syllables are still preserved. Inside could be replaced with 'within.' The 'all the' before power could be replaced with a two syllable adjective. Play around and see how much more mean can be pumped out of each stanza by changing a few words.

Loneliness comes to pays a visit;
This sour feeling does not fit. This line seems to be written in an obligation to the rhyme rather than by the poet’s command.
You loose lose the last all scraps of your completeness,
Hold on real (I'm not sure exactly what could go here to fit, but with some thought I'm sure you could think of something because 'Hold on real tight' isn't the best phrase nor is good English. I feel it detracts greatly from this stanza) tight, you now fear loneliness.

My idea of how this stanza could be improved using what you’re trying to convey would look like this:
Loneliness pays a visit;
This bile feeling won’t resist
Eating all scraps of your completeness.
Grasp so tightly, you now fear loneliness.


Rain falls down plummets around your space face,
You crave for one more ounce of grace. I love this line
It rains so much hard you can feel the pain,
Congragtulations, you now fear the rain.

The future becomes unclear,
You put it off for one more year.
Chances you never took are torture, I think you’re trying to talk about regret here. If that is so look at this line and try to find a way to express that a little more lucidly.
Run for your life; you now fear the future.

Fear resides inside the heart,
It has consumed, now but make it part!
Unlatch it with all of your power!
Fear will give up! and begin It will start to cower!

So going by my suggestions you can see what I think would make the best improvements. Please remember that these are just my opinions and should be followed at your discretion. Combining all of my opinions above the poem would look like this:

Fear resides within the heart.
Once it consumes, you try to part.
Fear latches on with entrapping power;
Soon you submit and begin to cower.

Loneliness pays a visit;
This bile won’t resist
Eating all scraps of your completeness.
Grasp so tightly, you now fear loneliness.

Rain plummets around your face;
You crave for one more ounce of grace.
It rains so hard you can feel the pain.
Congratulations, you now fear the rain.

The future becomes unclear;
You put all off for one more year.
Chances you never took are torture;
Run for you life, you now fear the future.

Fear resides within the heart;
It has consumed, but make it part!
Unlatch it with all of your power!
Fear will give! It will start to cower!
2
2
Review of Wasted Words  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello! I'm Blake~almost got scammed! Author IconMail Icon one of the guest judges for the Write It! Monthly Challenge created by gardengirl All I am going to do is give you a general review of your piece without getting into nitty gritty specifics. By doing this I hope to point you in what I think would be the right direction to make improvements without actually telling you what to do! This allows me a clear view to see exactly what it is you think can be changed for the better when the actual judging occurs after the round has closed. Now on with it shall we!

I think there is real emotion here just screaming to be let loose. But you're holding it back. Unchain it by transforming the present imagery into the rendering of your heart, of your soul. Connect to the paper and pencil in a way that transcends the ordinary, for poetry is written best, and typed second. Though I will confess, I myself do not stick to this; but go back and write this down if it is not already, capture the spirit of its birth, and recreate it in verses that cut to the core of the reader, not just to their mind. Why do I say this all? Because this has potential beyond the word!

Thank you for your submission and good luck!
~Marshall
3
3
Review of Why Bother  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello! I'm Blake~almost got scammed! Author IconMail Icon, one of the guest judges for the Write It! Monthly Challenge created by gardengirl All I am going to do is give you a general review of your piece without getting into nitty gritty specifics. By doing this I hope to point you in what I think would be the right direction to make improvements without actually telling you what to do! This allows me a clear view to see exactly what it is you think can be changed for the better when the actual judging occurs after the round has closed. Now on with it shall we!

There is nothing really wrong with this piece despite the fact that the last stanza is an incomplete sentence. The poem touches on a very universal experience, but does so in a way that is not the most unique possibility. In the words of Mr. Keating, "I do not mind if your poem is simple. Some of the most beautiful poetry was written about simple things...But do not let your poetry be ordinary!" See if you can develop this more with some imagery; right now it is more of a collection of thoughts just dripping with an unquenchable thirst for development.

Thank you for your submission and good luck!
~Marshall

4
4
Rated: E | (4.0)
Try Moon buds falls in pond. I think it would sound a lot less caveman-ish, if you know what I mean. If this was not meant to be symbolic I think it is unavoidable because I see a lot of symbolism here. A spring bud represents chastity, and it falls too young, the lose of virginity at too young an age. Capitalize the T in too, I think. Crimson waves set night aglow. sort of threw me. Does that mean that the buds were red and the moon is reflecting off of them? Because otherwise I do not see how it would set night aglow. Thank you.
~Marshall
5
5
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Edgy, unafraid, forward, and raw. I like it. I'm not saying that my political beliefs are like this (some are, some are not) but that does not stop me from seeing the power in this all. It's good to have an opinion, even better to have a strong opinion backed by strong evidence. Where is your evidence? A citation would be beneficial. But if this is just opinions and observations, then I encourage you to develop them further and fortify them with research if any is to be found. The from is a little bulky, and in the fifth stanza, separate it at Despite...everywhere to create another stanza with its own rhyme scheme. I liked the little blurb in the beginning. Indeed these are precarious times. I can sense the passion and the emotion and the power. Just make sure you have footing for that mouth. Keep it up.
~Marshall
6
6
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Thumbsup*
         *Flower1*: I am a huge nature lover, so haikus have always been for me tiny yet striking glimpses into the cogs and aesthetic of nature. Your poem, in this manner, delivers.
         *Leaf1*:It seems to me that not only is this a haiku, but it also retains qualities of a senryu. The external conflict of man and time is beyond imagery of nature, it dealves into the heart of the human animal's soul and opens its eyes to a dark yet realistic forever-truth about its nature. You encompassed both the examination and projection of a natural occurrence with human perception and behavior seamlessly.
         *Flower2*:Your personification of the leaves is fresh, and very welcome. I was absorbed in their role as the mouthpiece for Mother Nature and the auditory response demanded by cackling.
         *Leaf2*:This is a fine example of what thought and words can do. Here, even if it is not intentional, you've seemed to cram eon's of philosophy and create a powerful brief statement of poetic prowess and impact.

*Thumbsdown*
         *Flower3*:It's very trifling to state this, and a simple change will suffice and fix this problem, but like a mentioned before this is not solely a haiku in my opinion. Maybe take that part of it out of the title and put hybrid or something along those lines.
         *Leaf3*:This is a grammatical ambiguity. If we put this poem into a sentence it reads Lovers romp in wise old leaves, cackling, "Dears beware, Time tries to steal lives." I understand that haikus are restrictive in the amount of syllables used, but, even though it is still completely understandable what the poem is saying, it is confusing as to whether or not the lovers or the leaves are giving the beware. This is a hard matter to fix and really nothing much can be done because the poem's meaning is not affected by this at all. Just from a grammatical stand point the poem can be read two different ways. Maybe in the future you can work this to your advantage with a double entendre.

I must say I greatly enjoyed reading this. My reasoning for giving it *Star**Star**Star**Star**Halfstar* rather than *Star**Star**Star**Star**Star* is simply because, like that rating says, it is not an absolutely perfect piece of writing, but that by no means makes it a insignificant piece of writing. Thank you for your contribution to the writing world!
~Blake~almost got scammed! Author IconMail Icon Check me out if you get a chance!
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