Hi Monica! Here I am :)
I'm not really the type of reviewer that follows any kind of reviewing template, so my reviews can be a mess sometimes :p So I'll start where I always do with a review, at the beginning. (Ps: don't be alarmed, I have a reputation for making to many comments, but most of the time at least half of them are useful)
The first time I read your first sentence I had a feeling that something wasn't quite right with it, but I couldn't put my finger on it. But now I think I know what bothers me. It feels like she's doing all of those things at once, while in fact it should feel like a sequence of events.(It's also a bit weird that she lays her son's breakfast on the table, making it would be better)
How you could do it differently: Regan Gillian turned on the TV tasting her morning coffee. She always liked to listen to the news while making her son's breakfast.
I already notice that you use a lot of adverbs and adjectives. For example in the second sentence you are talking about a "Very Plain White dress", so there's already three of those there. You can easily remove "very" here, which already makes it easier to read.
I find your first paragraph a bit strange. I'm not quite sure if your an omniscient narrator or not. I get it, you're trying to portray your character right from the beginning, but to me it feels out of place. But in the next paragraph it becomes clear that you are not an omniscient narrator, because Regan hears Connor's footsteps down the stairs. I would prefer it you would show me how she looked and what she was like over a period of time, instead of trying to capture her in your first three sentences.
Your second paragraph also has some sort of flow problem. In the first sentence for example you say the same thing twice. Well, not really, but in essence they are the same:
"Connor's steps rattled down the stairs" and "he soon showed up."
How you could do it differently: Connor's steps rattled down the stairs. I turned my head the moment he entered the room. He looked like every morning: barely awake."
For the second part of the paragraph I would turn the two parts of the sentence around and leave "she thought" out of it.
In the third paragraph you repeat yourself again. Stuff like this slows your story down unnecessarily.
"scowled at the images" and " 'so early?" he grumbled.
One of the two is more than enough.
In the fourth paragraph you are explaining a bit too much. She only now payed attention, but apparently instantly knew the whole story.
Now, when Connor starts speaking, that I like! It's really nice. You are portraying Connor much better, with his morning routine, his way of speaking,...
But after this you get to your Telling thing again, instead of Showing me. (Show don't Tell), maybe you're getting sick, as was I at first, of the whole Show don't Tell thing, but in the end it is a really good guideline, but of course also one that is meant to be broken at the right times. It would be better if she would reply, which would show he surprise at her son's violonce, because if she is already surprised by a couple of hard words she would definitely be surprised by this.
After this you start Showing me stuff again, and I'm a happy reader once more! The conversation is fluent and shows the relationship the two have.
So that was the end of the first part apparently. Right now there's not really something grabbing my interest. Sometimes you need to open with something stronger than just interesting characters to grab your readers attention. So up to the second part. But I don't really know why you use double spacing here, because the story picks up where it left off.
Now you start again with some interesting Telling, with some adjectives and adverbs thrown in. If you Show something, you make it more personal, leading to your readers starting to love or hate the characters you write about.
How you could do it differently: Gillian drove through town following her daily route to the bakery and Orlando's. A bright summer morning such as this one always brought a smile to her face.
The whole young waitress and her running away from her boss paragraph is a bit strange. Wouldn't her boss want her to get out there as quickly as she can so she could get to work? So she didn't need to run from him.
But after this you're story become real good once more. The conversation with the guards is just plain awesome!
And after this conversation you Tell something, but this time it doesn't bother me the slightest since it's useful and just works here.
But you can leave at "the guard checked something on his computer"
Now this second part I really, really liked! The conversations are snappy, you show me stuff when it's right, you tell me stuff when it's right. Pretty good writing. Now make sure your first part is equally awesome.
Now for the third part. Again leave the double spacing out!
Leave out the whole mental picture thing. You have time to describe her office later. And it does not really add to the story here.
The conversation is nice, but the description of Banks can be improved I feel. Bit too much Telling and not enough Showing.
Some general remarks:
As I already said above, the second part of your story is really good! But the first and third parts are for me just okay. I know you can write these parts better and I hope my comments will help you get there!
Just focus on the flow of your story and sentences a bit more and if things would be better told in Tell or Show and you'll be writing great stuff!
I really enjoyed your story and I'll be sure to check out the other chapters, as by the end of the story you did eventually grab my attention, with the murder in combination with the serial killer expert arriving!
I hope you'll find my comments half useful! ;) and I'll read you around!
Myron
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